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Still having trouble coping with breakup sometimes.


gracielou8

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I'm in a weird and pretty ****ed up situation with my ex BF right now.

 

We have been together for 6 1/2 years and have joint accounts, lots of debt, car, house etc. Neither of us are in a position to break the lease and have to live together until the lease is up in October. I also work with his NEW GF who he evidently started dating pretty much right after he broke it off with me. Luckily I found a new job and will be starting in a month so that will no longer be an issue. Our finances are so intertwined that we are trying to pay off as much debt as possible before we move our separate ways.

 

The issue I'm having is how to best cope with this situation? I'd love to do no contact as that would be the least painful for me, but there is no way it can happen right away.

 

He says he wants me to be happy and would like to still be friends because we have known each other for so long and he still cares about me. What I cant understand is how he could move on so quickly? Things werent all roses but we had been through hell (injury, surgery, out of work, couldn't find a job, had to move, death of his father) the previous 2 1/2 years.

 

Now I do see that breaking up was probably a good thing...at least we needed to be away from each other for a while to take care of ourselves first. I just am trying to deal with his actions and wonder how he can actually care about me and do what he is doing. He tells me he wouldn't care if I dated other guys...like it would give him a reason to feel better about what he is doing.

 

I had suspicions that he might be dating someone after we broke up, but I really didn't think he'd do that to me until we were able to go our separate ways and split our finances. I was wrong...I asked a mutual friend and she confirmed my suspicion. I guess at least a few of our mutual friends had known for at least a month. He had been told by all of them that he needed to tell me before I found out, but he didn't listen.

 

Has anyone else been in this type of situation? Any suggestions on how to cope in the meantime?:(

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willowthewisp

Oh my! That is an awful situation, I just don't know what to say to you, you poor love...it is quick and after such a long relationship, perhaps a rebound but I would be wondering if he was cheating on you before he left? Why did he break up with you? Were you aware of any major problems beforehand or was it a bolt out of the blue? I'm just wondering if cheating was a possibility here?

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Sorry. I've never been in your situation, but I might be able to give you some ideas on how to cope???

 

First of all, staying in the same place after you break up is WAY TOO TOUGH! It's making you see him every day, the memories of your relationship are all over the place and I'm sure it's leading your mind to wonder! I would research the possibility of subletting your part of the lease to someone else.... maybe the new girlfriend? Maybe one of his friends? Who knows! It would be the absolute best thing you could do for yourself!

 

With that being said, be VERY cautious about splitting up your shared assets and accrued debt. Do not just accept his agreement to pay you a portion of the debt on a regular basis... get his debt transferred into his own personal debt (credit card, loan, etc) to take your name off of it! What you're going through is very similar to a divorce, however you don't necessarily have the courts to assist with the legality of the situation so be very careful and cover ALL of your bases.

 

Lastly, you ask how he can say that he cares about you and continues to do what he's doing. Great question.... most of us on LS ask the same question. It certainly sounds like he was interested in someone else and thought best to break up with you before pursuing this girl. He saw the lust of a new relationship and thought it would be better than the love you both shared. Grass is greener syndrome. He is saying that he still cares about you because he does! He just can't decide which option is better for him right now, the fun new relationship or you. I once heard a phrase, "Don't make someone a priority that only sees you as an option". Take the decision out of his hands Gracielou. He doesn't deserve you.

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Oh my! That is an awful situation, I just don't know what to say to you, you poor love...it is quick and after such a long relationship, perhaps a rebound but I would be wondering if he was cheating on you before he left? Why did he break up with you? Were you aware of any major problems beforehand or was it a bolt out of the blue? I'm just wondering if cheating was a possibility here?

He said he didn't feel like we were in a relationship anymore. He was miserable and I was miserable. In my case, I have been through two major surgeries in the past 5 years which has caused us to go into debt since I was out of work for a while and I brought in the most income.

 

After the last accident in 2009, I was unable to work for 5 months and then lost my job and couldn't find a permanent position for 6 months. We moved out of state for a job that ended up being the worst place I've ever worked. And his father died very unexpectedly right before my accident.

 

There were many major stressors that happened in a short time. I know I didnt deal with all of it very well and I was probably depressed. He was drinking a lot and I was playing video games to escape my pain. I was too sad/numb/stressed to realize what was happening. I loved him no less, but I couldn't deal with everything going on in my life at the time. I wasn't showing him I loved him. Nor did he try to get me help or anything either.

 

To me the breakup was out of the blue at the time. Now that I look back, I can understand that he was probably feeling neglected and unhappy in the relationship.

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I am angry, as I don't think he is really serious about us getting out of debt. Got a thank you note in the mail from Tiffany's thanking him for his business. There is nothing at Tiffany's that is necessary to survive, even if it was a gift for his mom or sisters (or new GF). He would not be able to pay his bills without my help right now and he goes out and does this! I've been going without and buying less expensive stuff this whole time in order to save money to put towards our debt, but I can't do it alone!

 

He has no filter and when I talk to him, he will at first get very angry and say mean and/or ridiculous things. Then he calms down and we can have a decent conversation. The last time I spoke with him, I told him I thought we should split up our bank accounts because I don't think its fair that I have to put money towards our credit card bill when he has spent money on going out with her. He flipped out at first and said he would get a lawyer and also sue me for his retirement (when I was out of work he cashed out his retirement which was $3600...I cashed out mine too). My parents also gave us a lot of money to help us out. And I actually approached him calmly...I was not emotional or flipping out!

 

We were actually able to have a productive conversation after a few minutes, but I do worry about what he would do if I decided to leave him. I really don't want to screw him over, but I will leave if he continues to be disrespectful of our situation. I know we are not dating, but we are still tied via our debt and property that we co-own together and we need to work out a plan that we both stick to.

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Oh my! That is an awful situation, I just don't know what to say to you, you poor love...it is quick and after such a long relationship, perhaps a rebound but I would be wondering if he was cheating on you before he left? Why did he break up with you? Were you aware of any major problems beforehand or was it a bolt out of the blue? I'm just wondering if cheating was a possibility here?

I did ask him if he cheated and he said he would never do that. He was engaged prior to our relationship and she had cheated on him. He also assured me that he didn't dump me for her...he wasn't looking for a relationship, but it just happened.

 

I'm not sure if I believe him or not anymore. I actually think he does care about me, but I just cant trust him anymore after all this.

 

Im close with his mom and sisters--he hasn't talked to them hardly at all since he broke up with me. They are so mad at him and he wont go to visit because he doesn't want them to yell at him for what he is doing. Wonder if he is feeling some serious guilt?

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