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News I didn't want to hear


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

 
 
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Old 25th March 2011, 12:34 AM   #1
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News I didn't want to hear

In my last few days here, my ex wanted to meet up to sort out some business-esque issues. In the course of talking, she told me that she is now in fact OFFICIALLY dating this new guy. Before, things had been up in the air and I took some comfort that everything between them was kind of messy and unresolved (childish maybe but it made me feel a bit better and that's all that matters).

So having heard that, my mood has shifted from steady progress to violent mood swings. One minute I'm sad and depressed and the next I'm flaming mad. I have a ton of things I need to get done, but I'm so unfocused now that I can't do any of it.

Worst of all, this was the last "chance" to see her. So now I not only am angry and sad about it, but I feel hopeless as well. How the hell could she start things with someone the DAY AFTER we break up? Then she tells me she's extremely sad about her and I. What?!

Ugh, I'm sorry to keep posting similar things. It's just that every time something like this happens, I feel bad. This time is worse because it is the last time. My mood is just....awful because of this. I can't think of anything but her and him happy together and it makes me want to put a hole in the wall. Argh.
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Old 25th March 2011, 1:07 AM   #2
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one word- rebound. he's gotta be her rebound, there's no way someone could move on that quickly with absolutely no feelings.

rebounds never work out, dude. it's inevitable. it will fall apart as quickly as it started.

i know how you feel though, im an emotional rollercoaster as well. one day i'll feel good, the next i'll be pissed, or sad.

when you're angry maybe try going to the gym.. or jogging? that relieves stress and takes your mind off of all the ***t. just try to focus on the bad things, this might help too.
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Old 25th March 2011, 1:15 AM   #3
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Two words: Heavy bag.

In another thread, people were talking about how counterproductive it is to immediately get into another relationship for dumper or dumpee.
So very true.
Your ex is hiding--from herself and possibly the hurt of the b/u.

Resist the urge to idealize what's happening between them.
As the last poster said, this is quite obviously a rebound and we all know how those turn out.
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Old 25th March 2011, 1:40 AM   #4
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Thank you so much for the replies and kind words. It helps so much to hear others opinions.

As far as the rebound goes, they've known each other for a while and he's always had a thing for her. The pseudo-relationship has been going on since we broke up, so a few months now. I only found out now that it's been made "official." This is why it doesn't feel like a rebound. It wasn't "Random Joe" that she met, it was someone she had a friendly history with. I don't know if that matters or not, but the fact that they still seem to be together infuriates me.

To be honest, I would NOT want to be in his shoes. Even though he's technically with her and I most certainly am not, I don't feel like it's a healthy relationship. They barely get to see each other because of how far apart they live and how busy his schedule is. Plus, and I hope this isn't just my ego talking, I don't think she's ENTIRELY over things. She told me that when i leave and she has to live in our apartment alone, that's going to just about kill her. Whenever I saw her in the past (I say that now because I won't be seeing her again), she would either be really awkwardly nice or she would cry. She told me this most recent time (through tears and snot and the like) that she was so sorry and she wishes she felt love for me, but she just doesn't. She wanted to pin me down for a date when she could come visit me and many subsequent visits after that. She did this by saying "I want to see you again. During 'X' I want us to hang out a lot, is that ok?" I didn't really respond because I didn't want to say the wrong thing, but I'm thinking "no". Anyway, that's why I wouldn't want to be him. I wouldn't want MY gf to say that stuff to an ex, even if she said she didn't want to be with him.

I don't know. I think right now I'm just having a moment of lucidity. Maybe soon that anger and sadness will well up again.

...Oh yep, there it is!
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Old 25th March 2011, 1:40 AM   #5
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Wow. If she started dating this guy the day after the breakup...that means the relationship between you two has been disolved for quite some time now. I don't think he is a rebound..I think shes been interested in this guy for a while now and she acted on it. It sucks man...but if it didnt happen now it would have happened sometime down the road. Start nc as it will help you heal. I feel your pain, my ex did the same thing pretty much. Ive been NC for almost 60 days now and Im telling you...it has helped so much. No longer do I spend every hour of the day wondering if shell come back. Time heals all my friend. Be strong and think positive. Just focus on you right now brother...bc right now thats all that matters. Do good for yourself, i promise it gets easier.
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Old 25th March 2011, 1:48 AM   #6
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Layzie, I appreciate your post, but lie to me man, just lie to me.

@ cerridwen: You're 100% right. The thing that's killing me now is idealizing their relationship. From EVERYTHING I've heard, she is constantly flip-flopping on how she feels for him. One day they're hot and heavy and the next she just wants to be his friend. Plus she has been complaining to mutual friends (I've told them to stop telling me about her now) that he doesn't/can't give her all of the attention she wants/needs. He's too busy and she's just not the top priority for him. As a needy (read: OMGSONEEDY) girl, I'm sure this is awful for her.

Yet despite knowing all of this, I ALWAYS imagine them smooching in flower groves and skipping through meadows. Nothing can ever go wrong in the land of the ex!
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Old 25th March 2011, 1:53 AM   #7
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you need a new set of lips (aka girlfriend)

you should have been keeping your eyes open for someone when you very first separated.

I mean really.... isn't her loosing interest in you kind of a turn off in the first place?

you need to have the attitude that its "her loss"

As a guy I loose interest in somebody that's not interested in me in the first place

if your ex is to stupid to know what she had in the first place... then you shouldn't want to be with somebody like that.... that becomes very unattractive to a confident guy

now go out there and get a real woman who appreciates what you have to offer. Clean your slate my friend!
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Old 25th March 2011, 2:14 AM   #8
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Uncool, I know that logically you're right, and I DO think that "hey, her @#$%ing loss", because I know that she's going into a relationship that will be so much worse. The problem is I just don't FEEL it yet.

As far as dating another girl goes (or just "casually" dating them), I suppose I could. I just really have no interest right now. I was with my ex for so long that being single is kind of foreign. When I go do something that I want, I still feel a little pang in the back of my head like "you should probably text/call XXXX to see if she wants to come or just to let her know you're going here." So before I jump into anything else, I want to be able to find out what single life is like. Plus I want to be fully over my ex when I date again. I don't really think its fair to the other girl (or me) to have one foot out the door before the relationship even begins.

I think there's something to be said for wanting what you can't have. I found myself wanting to date and have sex with my ex more when those things were off the table. All of the sudden she was FASCINATING and her life was SO EXCITING, when just a month before that, she pretty much bored me to tears because she never wanted to do anything. It's odd that I can recognize that, "hey! I'm looking at this thing through rose-tinted glasses!" and STILL feel like she's the best thing since sliced bread. Very strange indeed.
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Old 25th March 2011, 8:35 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bslchump View Post
I ALWAYS imagine them smooching in flower groves and skipping through meadows. Nothing can ever go wrong in the land of the ex!
I feel for you as this is exactly how I picture my ex with his new girl.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Layzie89 View Post
Wow. If she started dating this guy the day after the breakup...that means the relationship between you two has been disolved for quite some time now. I don't think he is a rebound..I think shes been interested in this guy for a while now and she acted on it. It sucks man...but if it didnt happen now it would have happened sometime down the road.
Again this is a mirror of my own situation.

I want so badly to believe that things between us weren't a lie. I personally think it's gutless that people 'allow' themselves to get into a new relationship when they haven't properly cleared the mess up from their past.

Alas, like Layzie mentions, if they knew each other before, their chances of succeeding as a couple may be better than the average Joe Bloggs...

(that's what I keep telling myself to make me move on emotionally, but it's still not happening for me, even after a year with NC).
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Old 25th March 2011, 8:38 AM   #10
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Says It All, Doesn't It??

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Originally Posted by bslchump View Post
Uncool, I know that logically you're right, and I DO think that "hey, her @#$%ing loss", because I know that she's going into a relationship that will be so much worse. The problem is I just don't FEEL it yet.

As far as dating another girl goes (or just "casually" dating them), I suppose I could. I just really have no interest right now. I was with my ex for so long that being single is kind of foreign. When I go do something that I want, I still feel a little pang in the back of my head like "you should probably text/call XXXX to see if she wants to come or just to let her know you're going here." So before I jump into anything else, I want to be able to find out what single life is like. Plus I want to be fully over my ex when I date again. I don't really think its fair to the other girl (or me) to have one foot out the door before the relationship even begins.

I think there's something to be said for wanting what you can't have. I found myself wanting to date and have sex with my ex more when those things were off the table. All of the sudden she was FASCINATING and her life was SO EXCITING, when just a month before that, she pretty much bored me to tears because she never wanted to do anything. It's odd that I can recognize that, "hey! I'm looking at this thing through rose-tinted glasses!" and STILL feel like she's the best thing since sliced bread. Very strange indeed.
Love that way of thinking, because that's how I view this whole relationship malarkey as well.

I just wish there were more guys out there that felt like this.[sigh]
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Old 25th March 2011, 5:04 PM   #11
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Love that way of thinking, because that's how I view this whole relationship malarkey as well.

I just wish there were more guys out there that felt like this.[sigh]
Ah yes, but then we wouldn't be so special

She keeps contacting me after the other night. She's sent me various text messages, some with pictures and some with her just saying how much she'll miss me and how sad she is that I'm leaving. I haven't responded to any of them, though I've been sorely tempted.

Is she just phishing here? Why send me so many texts and messages if she doesn't want to be with me anyway? It's been suggested that she's just messing with me; just keeping her hooks in just in case she needs me later, but I have a hard time believing she's that straight-up cruel. She's been painfully honest with most of her feelings and she seems genuinely upset about EVERYTHING. Is she just confused and screwed up? I don't think I'd break up with someone and then continually message them with how much I'll miss them.
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Old 25th March 2011, 6:52 PM   #12
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Ah yes, but then we wouldn't be so special
Yes, too true!

Quote:
Originally Posted by bslchump View Post
She keeps contacting me after the other night. She's sent me various text messages, some with pictures and some with her just saying how much she'll miss me and how sad she is that I'm leaving. I haven't responded to any of them, though I've been sorely tempted.

Is she just phishing here? Why send me so many texts and messages if she doesn't want to be with me anyway? It's been suggested that she's just messing with me; just keeping her hooks in just in case she needs me later, but I have a hard time believing she's that straight-up cruel. She's been painfully honest with most of her feelings and she seems genuinely upset about EVERYTHING. Is she just confused and screwed up? I don't think I'd break up with someone and then continually message them with how much I'll miss them.
I think she's mixed up; she's so focussed on what SHE wants (comfort and attention) that she doesn't bother to take into consideration your feelings. You're right: she's not doing it to be 'malicious'. But right now she IS being insensitive because she can't handle the mess of emotions she's in.

I've had this done to me before and I've felt that way before as well. It's a total mind-f**k. You're right not to contact her.

Is there no way of blocking her?
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Old 25th March 2011, 6:57 PM   #13
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She is using you!

Hi bslchump,
I just wanted to say that you need TO RUN AWAY FROM THIS B*TCH AS FAST AS YOU CAN! You need to cut all contact to stop the hurt! She is using you to ease her guilt and help her slowly heal. Do not give her that satisfaction! You CANNOT be the backup plan nor can you be her moral support.

I am so sick and tired of ppl using other ppl in rel's. Ppl need to STOP with the f*cking selfish behavior and GROW THE F UP ALREADY! My ex was doing the same thing as ur ex! I'm infuriated when I think about him! Here's the thread I just posted http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t270657/ about him.

Like you, I also have these green grass images of him and the ho and it really f*cks with my head sometimes. You are better than that! The fact that she moved on with this guy RIGHT after your breakup means that there was always something going on betw them while you two were together. Whether they were friends or cheating. Do not be blind about this. This ho wanted my ex and she slowly started infiltrating our rel. I trusted him and didn't think anything of it until he just said one day that he wants to see other ppl. It was like the rug was pulled from rt under me. Then 9 mos later he confessed to cheating. So my guts were rt all along. There was always something suspicious about that ho. You see, they already got over us while they were IN the rel. They gave themselves plenty of time. So by the time they ended it, they didn't even have feelings for us. Hence why they can do such hateful things. The break up hit me like a truck coming at 100mph as I'm sure it did to you. I am sorry if this hurts you but the truth will help liberate you and help you move on!

If you need help, read this guy's post. It's the absolute best! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=56954
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Old 25th March 2011, 7:04 PM   #14
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I COULD technically block her phone number I suppose, but I don't really have the heart to do it. I half wish I knew she did something REALLY horrible to me so that I could hate her and have an excuse to block her, but I don't. I don't think what she did was right, respectful or kind in any way, but she's never been mean TO me. It's kind of weird to explain, because jumping into something the next day really set me off, but I still don't feel like she's a bad person.

Mary, I am actually moving about 700 miles away in a few days, so I am getting away!

The only thing I have to deal with now are the texts she'll probably be sending me for the next loooong while. Like I said, she seems like she looks for reasons to text me, but tells me breaking up is for the best. She'll text me a random picture of her doing something that I would like or that we used to do. It doesn't choke me up as much as I would think it would, but its not like, FUN seeing it. Again, I haven't responded.

Thanks for the link. I need all the help I can get!
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Old 25th March 2011, 7:47 PM   #15
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Block her!

Hi - I know where you're coming from b/c I was there a few mos ago. I'm gonna tell u that u need to block her from all contact. Whether you do it or not it's up to u ultimately. No one can tell u what to do but I got seriously hurt by not listening to other ppl's advice. Here's why you need to block her - you cannot handle what she has to say. These include all the updates on her life showing you that she's moved on without you. Again, you need to read this entire thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ .

When my ex and I broke up 9mos ago, my friend told me to block him on everything. I blocked everything except for his email. Like you, I couldn't do it and I wanted to keep a small door open just in case. Just to see how he was doing. Time passes, I'm doing great with NC. 9mos later, I get an email from him and he confessed that he cheated on me. Now I did not need to see that. I also did not need to hear details. I was FURIOUS! The progress I made with NC was killed! I was f*cked and have returned to square one. When I got this email I wanted to smack myself for not listening to my friend and filtering his email as spam. There's nothing good she can say to you. It's going to only make you even madder! Even if it's getting back together, why would you want her? She's obviously trashy if she can just turn her back on you like that.

Your ex sounds similar to my ex in that they are both needy and can't let go of the comfort and familiarity that we provided. It's time for us to turn our backs and give them a taste of their own medicine.
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