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How do you trust again?


happythroughout

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happythroughout

I just read a post of someone having broken up after eight years together. It'll take about half that time to get over someone, according to modern theory.

 

It's too draining a process after you part ways with an SO. I don't know how I'll trust again. After the initial does-he/she-like-me, butterflies-inthe-stomach, honeymoon periods, I'm not sure how willing I'll still feel giving my heart away wondering whether the relationship would last and even if it lasts, will it last "too long" that by the time we call it quits, I'd have to spend the rest of my life getting over the someone?

 

Sure, this sounds really pessimistic, but after the exes I've gone through, it's something I really should think about, even if to finally learn something from all of the past relationships to make sure the next one sticks.

 

But LSers, can you trust again?

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That's a tough question.

 

I have two answers really.

 

Being only 2 months out of an 8 year relationship myself, I feel, right now, and right this minute that I don't think I can trust again. I thought she was 'the one' and she gave me every indication that she felt the same... right up until the moment she told me that she didn't love me anymore. It wasn't the rug she pulled from underneath me, more like my whole world!

 

However, if you ask me again when my healing has taken hold I'll almost certainly say, yes, I will trust again. I've learnt some lessons about red flags and how to spot them. I've also learnt that love is a risk. Not just in the long term, but even in the short term. Right from the first date you're taking a risk. Trust is just one part of the game of 'Love'. To not give it a go is to miss out, potentially on something wonderful.

 

Ok so I'm in great pain now and will be for some time, but I wouldn't trade those 8 perfect years for anything in the world. I wouldn't have had them if I didn't take a risk and trust her from the beginning. If I don't trust again, I may miss out on even more years with someone else special

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GreenPolicy

No one is meant to live a life without love. There is nothing more tragic than continuing to live with a broken heart. To love again does not mean that we have stopped loving those whom we lost. Unending sorrow is not a testament to our undying love, but rather a sickness that requires a cure.

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marqueemoon4

I'm 10 months out from my wife leaving after 8yr relationship/2.5yr marriage. I'm still hurting every day, especially since I found out she and my son are living with another guy. She also insinuated she's doing just fine and she pretty much despises me. If anyone knows how to trust again, please let me know, I trusted her more than anyone ever and she breached that trust on so many levels. I used to not have walls up at all, now they're going to be up in full force. No way I'm ever going through pain like this again.

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silvermane187

I have no idea how but I know it's possible. My older sister was cheated on in a 6-7 seven year relationship. A few years later she met a guy and now they're married with a kid. Eventually you get lucky and meet someone worthy of your trust again is the only way I can think of.

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I'm three months out of a 5 year relationship which ended with my ex cheating. Trust was thus a huge factor in the break-up but probably not the only issue, as break-ups are inevitably complex.

 

I've been meeting new people and find myself casting a very cool eye over the prospect of dating them. I don't think I've ever approached future romance in such a rational way before, and my first instinct was that this was a sign I'm not ready to move on and trust again.

 

Now I'm rethinking that. While I do want to be in a more carefree state of mind before I get into anything new, I don't want to forget the lessons of this break-up. Maybe it will make me better at choosing future partners, and casting a rational eye over potential partners before I allow the romance to sweep over me could actually be a healthier approach.

 

Of course, at the end of the day a new person comes to the table with a clean sheet as far as cheating etc. are concerned, in terms of their relationship with you, so it's worth giving that someone a chance. Taking care of the 'flags' in the initial stages, assessing if that person seems trustworthy and emotionally mature, a good communicator and other positive characteristics is the best you can hope to do. I'm hoping that it's really that simple...

 

So this probably also involves getting to know a wide range of new people, not necessarily for dating, but just to make sure your instincts are honed and you ultimately have the widest possible potential dating pool available to you to make some good choices. I do think that faithfulness to a large extent comes down to character, I could be wrong, but I believe that you can help your chances greatly - sounds obvious - just by making the best possible choice about who you date next. :)

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Sorry for your pain.

 

I think you have to trust again and not see this as something outstanding to do.

 

In my opinion, the learning process never switches off and what you see as not being able to trust is probably the heart and minds way of evaluating the experience.

 

Trick is to not over use energy on wasted topics.. and to know when to kick off.

 

Take care,

Eve x

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Love is the greatest risk we can take in our lives. It would only be holding your life back, Happythroughout, to not date and fall in love. But know what you want and don't settle for someone who'll only bring you down. The dynamic of a relationship should raise a couple to happiness.

 

Past mistakes can be lessons if you're open to improving your situation.

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brokendreamz

I'm 2 months out of an 8 year relationship. She was perfect - actually too perfect and I didn't realise just how much I was taking her for granted.

 

She was my everything, never cheated on me and I know she is as gutted about the split as I am!

 

I trusted her with my life and EVERYTHING that went with it. I never saw it coming when she left and at the time I swore that I'd never let anyone in that close again and I meant it!

 

Thing I'm beginning to realise is that I will take some life changing lessons from what has happened to me and in future I will only share certain things with any SO.

 

I know I'm rambling on here but I guess to me a loving relationship can only be based on trust so if I ever get together with anyone else, that will have to be the most important thing - although I'm still so broken over her leaving so I doubt I'll be in a place to see anyone serious for a while yet.

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That's a tough question.

 

I have two answers really.

 

Being only 2 months out of an 8 year relationship myself, I feel, right now, and right this minute that I don't think I can trust again. I thought she was 'the one' and she gave me every indication that she felt the same... right up until the moment she told me that she didn't love me anymore. It wasn't the rug she pulled from underneath me, more like my whole world!

 

However, if you ask me again when my healing has taken hold I'll almost certainly say, yes, I will trust again. I've learnt some lessons about red flags and how to spot them. I've also learnt that love is a risk. Not just in the long term, but even in the short term. Right from the first date you're taking a risk. Trust is just one part of the game of 'Love'. To not give it a go is to miss out, potentially on something wonderful.

 

Ok so I'm in great pain now and will be for some time, but I wouldn't trade those 8 perfect years for anything in the world. I wouldn't have had them if I didn't take a risk and trust her from the beginning. If I don't trust again, I may miss out on even more years with someone else special

 

This is EXACTLY how I feel.

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happythroughout

From past breakups, I know I always find someone else and I wonder what I ever saw in the exes. But it's not always easy to think that way at the beginning.

 

After this breakup, with the disappointment still fresh though not that recent, it made me think how much more heartaches I can handle.

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proactivedreamer

I will say that you will trust again, if you let yourself trust again. We all have a choice when we end up with a broken heart. We can choose to let it dishearten us or we can choose another point of view. Since my break up, I have felt a range of emotions, and found myself saying that I will never love or trust anyone again. I know that this isn't true, but right now since some of us are still healing, it's hard to get some clarity about what the possibilities are. I think love can either be more risk than reward or more reward than risk, it all just depends on who we are loving and who is loving us in return. The cold reality is that people come and go from our lives and we have to accept this process. My break up left me terrified of this reality-I guess because I am not one to just walk away from a relationship that I spent a great deal of time and effort on, and he did-that scared me. Love is a gamble, and it is up to you, me, and everyone how we will participate in this process. You will trust again, and it will be special again. Keep smiling.

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