wmrjw82 Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 (i posted this in the breaking up portion, but I want to here as well because I know some of you guys strictly hang out i here) ------------- Okay guys... if you are not familiar with my situation here are my previous 2 threads on it: "Ex went from AMAZING to cold in 3 weeks..." [COLOR=#660000]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t263936/[/COLOR] "Ex made contact... Does she miss me?" [COLOR=#660000]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t264543/[/COLOR] Well yesterday was day No. 42 of NC and I woke up this morning to two texts from her at 11:30pm. I wanted some input. For those who have been following my threads i'm still in love with this girl and i'm willing to give her a second chance. I just want to know what you guys think of the texts... "Okay so I've looked high and low. We are going to have to meet. You've got somet things of mine I really need!" "Plus I've got mail and some of (my son's) old baby clothes you might want." What gets me about these txts is the need to want to meet. What she is referring to that I have of hers is some old children's books. I already explained to her that I dont have them (at the time of BU 2 months ago). As far as my son's old baby clothes I could care less...they wont fit him anymore anyways. But in any case, why couldn't she just mail them...? Why the need to meet? Now, I never replied to her text on 2/9/11 at the advice of everyone around me (including LS) where she told me she was "praying for me and my custody battle".... BUT... i'm afraid if I dont respond to this I will come across as bitter. I love her and I want her back but I want to make sure the motives are right. What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
DustySaltus Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 As I said before, have a friend pickup any of the things you need. If you can't find someone to do that for you, go over there and pick them up yourself, keep it brief and civil. She is not screaming at the top of her lungs......"I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE!!!" Again, this warrants no response. Put all of her stuff in a box and have a friend give it to her. Unless you want to open a can of worms.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author wmrjw82 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 (edited) but what gets me is the need to meet up? why not just mail the stuff??? I could care less about the crap she has of mine and i dont have anything of hers. A friend of mine says to ask her why she wants to meet up instead of just mailing the stuff and if its for something more than she should leave that to my discretion... plus she never says what things she needs so she is obviously wanting some kind of response.... Edited March 14, 2011 by wmrjw82 Link to post Share on other sites
DustySaltus Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 I think that things aren't going as planned with the new guy and she still wants to see if your available. It's about options and needs for her. That's the reason why she is reaching out to you. it's not about YOUR well being, it's about hers. If she said something different maybe my thoughts would be different but I think this scenario is very clear. She wants your attention, wants to know that you are still available and more than likely wants to know that you don't hate her. The best response is no response. Let her begin to feel the consequences of her actions, otherwise she will continue to repeat this pattern of behavior. If you want, send the following text and then DO NOT respond: "Please send me a list of items you are waiting for and I will have someone come by to pick them up. If you have anything you want to give back to me, please give it to them when they come by. I'm looking to move forward and I would appreciate if you resisted the urge to contact me any further." Done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wmrjw82 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 I think that things aren't going as planned with the new guy and she still wants to see if your available. It's about options and needs for her. That's the reason why she is reaching out to you. it's not about YOUR well being, it's about hers. If she said something different maybe my thoughts would be different but I think this scenario is very clear. She wants your attention, wants to know that you are still available and more than likely wants to know that you don't hate her. The best response is no response. Let her begin to feel the consequences of her actions, otherwise she will continue to repeat this pattern of behavior. If you want, send the following text and then DO NOT respond: "Please send me a list of items you are waiting for and I will have someone come by to pick them up. If you have anything you want to give back to me, please give it to them when they come by. I'm looking to move forward and I would appreciate if you resisted the urge to contact me any further." Done. That's a great idea. I may just substitute the having someone pick up something for mailing the items. But regardless, if I dont reply... dont you think I come across as bitter? I dont want to leave that impression... i'm not trying to punish her but like you said I also dont want the pattern repeated. Link to post Share on other sites
DustySaltus Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 That's a great idea. I may just substitute the having someone pick up something for mailing the items. But regardless, if I dont reply... dont you think I come across as bitter? I dont want to leave that impression... i'm not trying to punish her but like you said I also dont want the pattern repeated. Punish her? She punished you. This isn't about her. it's about moving forward. Don't have her mail them, have someone pick it up this way things can't continue to drag on. You have every right to be bitter if you want. Being bitter helps YOU not to repeat the same patterns either....learn from this. Link to post Share on other sites
J0N Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 Just box them up and mail them to her. Thats how my ex gave me my stuff back. I would avoid meeting up with your ex if at all possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wmrjw82 Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 So basically I replied yesterday w/... "If this is in reference to those children's books, I already explained to you that I dont have them; however, I will look again just to make sure. In regards to (my son's) clothes, he will not fit them anymore so if you would like to donate them to the Red Cross or Salvation Army feel free to do so. Any mail can be thrown away" Then I woke up this morning and I realized this could give her an opening to mess w/ my head later on down the line w/ this BS... so I sent her one last txt this morning. It reads: "I couldn't find the books. Look, (ex), I was really hurt by our breakup and i'm just trying to move on. If you're just contacting me in regards to material things I would appreciate it if you could resist the urge to contact me in the future" I will send nothing more and that last txt message was VERY hard for me to do. It was like I was closing the door. Not only because I was exposing my feelings to her, but that I was telling her not to contact me w/ this **** in the future. I hope I did the right thing. I just dont want to sit back and wonder if she'll be asking me about these damn books in the future or not. I dont want to be bothered with it because it hinders my progress. all thoughts and feedback would be appreciated... Link to post Share on other sites
Author wmrjw82 Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 bump....any feedback is appreciated....need some thoughts here... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 So basically I replied yesterday w/... "If this is in reference to those children's books, I already explained to you that I dont have them; however, I will look again just to make sure. In regards to (my son's) clothes, he will not fit them anymore so if you would like to donate them to the Red Cross or Salvation Army feel free to do so. Any mail can be thrown away" Then I woke up this morning and I realized this could give her an opening to mess w/ my head later on down the line w/ this BS... so I sent her one last txt this morning. It reads: "I couldn't find the books. Look, (ex), I was really hurt by our breakup and i'm just trying to move on. If you're just contacting me in regards to material things I would appreciate it if you could resist the urge to contact me in the future" I will send nothing more and that last txt message was VERY hard for me to do. It was like I was closing the door. Not only because I was exposing my feelings to her, but that I was telling her not to contact me w/ this **** in the future. I hope I did the right thing. I just dont want to sit back and wonder if she'll be asking me about these damn books in the future or not. I dont want to be bothered with it because it hinders my progress. all thoughts and feedback would be appreciated... You handled this perfectly. And you did do the right thing. Sorry you're hurting again, I'm sure hearing from her has brought up some pain that didn't need to feel again. Don't try to figure out her need to see you/meet up. Honestly, I think it was a 'fishing' thing to see what is/was going on. Maybe an ego feed on her behalf. I hope she respects your wishes and goes back into NC mode. IF by chance she does text or email again, it might be a good idea for you to block her and/or change your number and email address. Less ways of her being able to contact you, the better off you'll be. Link to post Share on other sites
DustySaltus Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Agreed, you handled it well depsite how crappy you probably felt afterward. But you stood up for yourself, which is always commendable. The key to that message was tying up any lose ends for which she would try to reach out, and you did. You're halfway home. Link to post Share on other sites
1784 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 It's amazing, there are so many times that we tell ourselves that we've let go. Then, a week later, we realize that maybe we didn't let go 100%. I think by sending her that text, ACTIVELY shutting the door, you really did something healthy for yourself. It's not easy and I really commend you for your bravery. Good job, man. I'm in a very similar situation and it may make you feel better to know that I gained strength by reading your posts. Just when you think you're weak, you can actually be very strong for others. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wmrjw82 Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the positive reinforcement guys. I do feel like I went back to square one a bit because obviously the NC was broken and I haven't heard from her since those 2 txts on Sunday so this was an obvious fish attempt. BUT to be honest, I think those 42 days of NC did some real good for me. It obviously gave me the self confidence to tell her something like "dont contact me in the future". I could have never done that not too long ago. It makes me sad and angry that after nearly 2 months of not talking the only thing she cared about was some material things. Not asking how I was or my son was a clear indication of just how selfish she is. Also more than likely she sent those txts when she was drunk. Well, she can have her little ego boost by knowing that i'm still hurting atleast I closed the door to any further mind games. I'm not out of the woods yet and this event has brought on more pain for me but I do feel like i've grown spirtually from it. Also my vision of her as this saint on a pedestal has definitely toppled over due to her own actions. Edited March 16, 2011 by wmrjw82 Link to post Share on other sites
Kic Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 The door is not completely closed, because when you said: "...If you're just contacting me in regards to material things I would appreciate it if you could resist the urge to contact me in the future." it also means "I would be receptive to being contacted about non-material things." Closing the door somewhat still helps, of course, since she knows that the only way to open it would be to make a more serious gesture. On the other hand, you lost a little bit of pride by showing her you're not indifferent and still have feelings. Still, I think you replied appropriately, since you said you would consider taking her back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wmrjw82 Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 The door is not completely closed, because when you said: "...If you're just contacting me in regards to material things I would appreciate it if you could resist the urge to contact me in the future." it also means "I would be receptive to being contacted about non-material things." Closing the door somewhat still helps, of course, since she knows that the only way to open it would be to make a more serious gesture. On the other hand, you lost a little bit of pride by showing her you're not indifferent and still have feelings. Still, I think you replied appropriately, since you said you would consider taking her back. Yes, if she were serious about sitting down, talking and getting back together I would definitely listen. But the point of the txt was to stop any further mind games or fishing attempts. I think I achieved that. This girl broke up with me over facebook so she obviously is emotionally immature. I could see her continuing these fish attempts and I could see myself falling for them. I've heard of people being dragged on for years in those types of situations. Not me. If she's seriously missing me....let me know. Otherwise goodbye. Link to post Share on other sites
Layzie89 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Well played wmr. You did the right thing brother, now she knows you won't stand for her little mind games! I bet she also see's a stronger more confident you in the fact that you were able to tell her not to contact you regarding those things anymore. +2 to you bro.. what day are we on btw? Day...47 or something? Ahhh, back to the calendar! Link to post Share on other sites
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