One Year's NC, What That Means, and Other Stories

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

At the end of next month, it will be exactly one year since I began my first and only attempt at NC with my ex. I say attempt because I broke that NC around 2 months in with a drunken text in which I asked her how she was, and she didn't respond. Since then I prefer to see it as she who instigated NC and me who helps her maintain it.

 

But one year's NC...It's so hard to believe I'm nearly at one year and the ramifications of my break up are as sharp as ever and seem to ripple, still, throughout my life.

 

I don't have the same feelings I did, and I would honestly rather be nowhere near her anymore, or her friends or family for that matter simply for what she, and by proxy they, represent: the death of yearning romance, you know? A cold, hard reality check into a world where love isn't this all powerful, all encompassing, define-your-very-existence experience. To a world where, by contrast, love is weak, malleable, given to small, inconsequential moments where all you'd rather do is f*ck a person and so you give them the illusion of love in order to buy a nights comfort and human heat from someone.

 

What I'm saying, I guess, is that I have turned from this incredibly romantic idealist whose view of the world was rosy tinted when wrapped in the love of a wonderful woman, to this cold, bitter, mean b*stard. And I am, now. Because of what happened last night, I realize this.

 

I went to a family party last night with a few friends of mine. I don't often see my family these days since I moved away for Uni, but I travel back and forth when I can. Anyways, myself and a few of my friends went and were enjoying ourselves until I received a phone call from a girl I have begun dating. Now, it's not serious and I've been tryin to keep my distance so that I don't give this girl the wrong idea, but I know she's smitten with me. In fact, she reminds me of me a few years ago. She has imposed herself on me for the last 2 weeks, tryin to make me as much a part of her life as possible and, not wanting to hurt her feelings, I've been obliging her. However, last night I would not allow it, so when she began heavily hinting to come to the party, I declined and said I wanted a night with my friends. Nevertheless my aunt (whom this girl had met before through a mutual friend) decided to call her (on my behalf) and invite her. I caught wind of this and called the girl and told her that under no circumstances was she to make an appearance at this party.

 

Well, she did. And I went berserk. I shouted at her, and my aunt for imposing on my life. And I couldn't understand quite where my anger was coming from. But it all just exploded out of me and I let out the rage I've been keeping in for a while now.

 

I've made my apology's now, although my aunt was in the wrong too because she invited this girl to the party with the intention of having us become a real "couple" and she lectured me on settling down (although I'm only in my mid 20's) and possibly starting a family, since that is what she did at only 19. She also claimed I was still madly in love with my ex, and that I was letting that hold me back from being with this girl (who I, admittedly, do not love and have no really strong feelings for).

 

She was wrong about that, but maybe she was right about me letting what happened hold me back. Could that be true? Here I am coming up for the year mark now, I should be moving on surely. Given that so much has changed in a year, and it really has. And my friends occasionally comment on how much I've changed over the last year with the abandonment of a lot of values or morals I upheld. For instance, me a year ago would NEVER have begun seeing a girl unless I was 100% sure there could be a future, which was why I was known for dating very seldom, unlike now where I am more known for sleeping with women I meet in clubs, if not frequently, certainly not infrequently, and get a lot of good natured abuse from my friends for my tendency to be very distanced and cold towards the women I sleep with.

 

A year's NC has led me to becoming a cold hearted b*stard with no concern for the women I hurt, and its a horrible realization to come to. It's been haunting me all day.

 

I don't quite think I've achieved anything in my year's NC...

Edited March 14, 2011 by TheUnthoughtKnown

[coltsfan1]

Sounds to me like you are not fully over your ex and believe me I am not either and it has been 7 months for me. I would speak with the girl you are dating and explain the situation to her. Then I would sit down ahd truly think about what happened. Maybe you aren't ready for a serious relationship and there is NOTHING wrong with that. Just give it time and things will get clearer.

[0hpenelope]

Brother, you have your own timetable for healing. It took me two years to get over the ex that "brought" me to Loveshack - and that was in 2008.

 

Small steps. As long as you're moving forward, those small steps are victories too.

[Livelovelearn]

I am not sure if you have been cheated on, but i have by my ex that i dated for about 3 years. We started off well and i was madly in the love, but the end of us was a sour one. I completely understand what you are going through as I am the same way. I am so bitter and i dont care how i treat men (i hate to say this but i have cheated also on those that i have dated) I think i lost my innocence and the person i once used to be. But i am trying to figure things out. It has been a year since me and my ex broke up and we havent had contact ( its been on and off) but just recently i deleted his fb and we no longer talk. I think i still have feelings for him and thats why i am acting out. But its good to see that atleast you realize this. You just have to make a conscious effort in changing and remember not all women are the same. Back off the dating scene and just work on making your self happy and comfortable with the life you live right now. Then go from there.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

I think i lost my innocence and the person i once used to be.

 

That is exactly how I feel. This girl took my innocence. She took that wonderful, powerful idea of love that I had and showed me this horrible, shallow replacement and I can't stand it. If I can be hurt by someone I loved as much as her, can't I then just as easily be hurt by anyone? She was supposed to be the last person on Earth who would do this to me. So why did she turn into the first?

 

Sounds to me like you are not fully over your ex

 

I can't stop thinking about her today, and it's killing me. I have been doing okay thus far, but why now does she come unbidden into my head? I would do anything for the ability to text her right now, as I used to, and to have her give me the comfort she once did. I feel like crying because I know I've lost that comfort, and I feel like I'll never be the same again. I'll never find someone I loved like I loved her. And I'll never forget what she meant to me, and I'll never be able to move on.

[Stilicho]

^theunthoughknown, i feel you pain man. the notion that the person you loved the most hurting you so easily is mindnumbing. when me ex and i split in december, i could not even comprehend how she did what she did, and i still struggle to. i too look at love with rose colored glasses now.

 

as for doing anything for the ability to contact her? man, let me tell u something, it doesnt mean anything. i was with my ex for 2 years, we had plans to move in together, have kids, marriage, etc, than one night, it all collapsed. at first, she said to never talk to her again, i obliged, than, once the semester started, and she saw me on campus, it began to change. she began to initiate all contact, from calls, to texts, to emails, to notes, etc. even when i say we should do NC. shes dating someone else, which kills me inside, but i know, that if i text her right now, shell respond asap, and let me say, its no consolation.

 

she even asks to hang out, do things we used to do, etc, but im actually planning on telling her to go NC again, this weekend sometime, bc when you have an Ex, that tries to remain in your life, and keep your interest alive, its torturous, bc she seems so close, yet still so far.

[Theforgottenmelody]

Dude i am in the exact same boat you are in, its been a year and two months for me after ten years and a broken engagement. Now i meet women all the time and some are really good people, but i feel absolutely nothing for any of them, in fact after a couple of really good conversations i just get disgusted with the whole process and just run them away. I don't even see them as women anymore they are more like temporary fixes to a problem im too afraid to solve.

Its a sickening feeling to wake up everyday and to just not care. i feel like my heart just died and there is nothing inside. But i decided to focus on me and whatever makes me happy. i want real love but my heart and my mind tells me it doesn't exist. I went from being superman to the evil superman after the bad kryptonite. good luck!

[smudge21]

Yep, been here. Around 8 years ago I fell so strongly for someone who threw my love away and didn't want to know. It put me back in my shell. My safety net where I didn't allow anyone to enter and any relationship was pretty much doomed as I wouldn't allow myself to have feelings. It followed a pattern - I'd find a girl, knew exactly straight away I wanted to date her, so I would build up my wall and only allow her access to certain areas of my life. Emotion wouldn't be one of them.

 

Then only last year, I met someone who I had no intention of dating. Never thought I would have a chance. So the wall was down. Over the course of a month of friendship things got stronger and before I knew it, she'd got under my skin. I fell for her, big time. Sadly, I feel life is repeating as she too walked away, leaving me feeling cold, heartless and empty.

 

So now my wall is back up. I just know it is. It's not something I'm really chosing to do either. I can just tell I'm watching what I'm saying and keeping people at arms length, and it's all thanks to these other women that got my love and twisted it, spat it back at me.

 

My only advice would be that if you do meet someone who you feel could be right for you, but you're afraid how you'll treat her, then tell her the truth. Be honest from the start. If she walks away then at least you haven't wasted yours or hers time. But if she stays, then that's surely a good sign, and you can both begin to work on something new and special.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

My only advice would be that if you do meet someone who you feel could be right for you, but you're afraid how you'll treat her, then tell her the truth. Be honest from the start. If she walks away then at least you haven't wasted yours or hers time. But if she stays, then that's surely a good sign, and you can both begin to work on something new and special.

 

See, that's the thing; every girl I meet or have a fling with, they just don't match up to my ex. Not even a little. They don't have her humor, her sensibilities, her view and opinions. I feel like this girl was perfect for me. She just suited who I am and what I do and how I feel about things. It just needs to be her. An no matter how many girls I date, sleep with, spend time with, none of them have filled that gap!

 

Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of the day she broke up with me...and I'm pretty wasted as I type this, simply because I don't want to deal with it anymore. Don't want to deal with the thoughts of her, wondering if I can remember what her voice sounded like, her face, what it was like to be in her presence.

 

My friends say I built her up too much, made her out to be some kind of princess. Claim I was p*ssy whipped, but I just don't see it. We were happy together. I enjoyed every single second of every single day I was with her. And although I wonder now if she ever loved me at all, I can remember days when she acted like she did...and I'd give anything for those days now...

[EmperorR]

I would say I'm somewhat you, I trust no one at all anymore, Im sick of opening my heart and getting it broken nito pieces 3 times in a row, I'm sick of getting cheated on and then lashed out on, so I just changed my ways, I have a real nice girl interested in me but I just keep thinking in my mind my exes wer nice girls as well and eh its not what I want, once I get over this recent ex I doubt i'll be entering a relationship again.

 

Well that's what I feel at the moment, I know exactly what your going through.

[Div]

I completely feel you man. I woke up this morning feeling exactly like this, its almost been 1 year. I have made so many changes in my life to make me happy, Ive taken an interest in so many things I never did before and I can say its been wonderful discovering who I am.

 

However, when it comes to women and dating I'm still a bitter person. I hold so much anger towards women because all they seem to want is a d*ck, and they'll happily drop you a moment later if someone else tickles their fancy. It's a horrible way to view them but really I'm waiting to be proven wrong.

 

Outside that, I find making myself happy through every other part of life quite rewarding. I just hope one day I will share that with someone very special...

[NoEnd_Mary]

I hear you all. I was moved by all your posts and I am a woman but I feel the same way. I will have to start off by saying to the men on this post - not all women are slutty ho's that use and abuse. I treated all my ex's with a lot of respect and love and unfortunately I experience what you guys did, they took me for granted. This has now turned me to a cold, heartless b*tch. And if this is what I need to do to protect my heart from bleeding anymore in the future, so be it. When I met my ex, I let my guard down b/c I truly thought I found someone who I could feel my heart is safe with. I helped this abandoned souless person grow into a man with confidence. And after half a decade together where I have helped him thru thick and thin, thru deaths in his family, thru him losing his house, what does he do? Cheat on me. I'm done. I can't do this anymore.

 

Like many of you, I am now keeping my relationships very shallow. I will not allow any ounce of emotion to come out. I am now dating a nice guy who really does worship me but I can't open up. I simply don't have it in me anymore. In fact, I told him I don't want to do anymore romantic things together and he is fine with that b/c he enjoys my company that much. I am angry for you all, and also sorry that we had to be subjected to this torture. Many times during my 9mo pd of NC, I asked the heavens above why I deserved this. What did I do that was so bad for me to deserve to have my heart betrayed and broken? I have done nothing but be a good person in this world that tried to always open up my heart to help another. Not anymore. I'm done.