happythroughout Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 Was there an ex that you never heard from again? They never contacted you, asking for friendship or another go at the relationship. You lost touch completely. About 90 percent of my exes never contacted again, whether I was the dumper or dumpee. What did I do wrong? Or did right? I know NC is better but I wish they would contact me, telling me they miss me and want me back. Is it ever possible to get an ex to contact you first without you breaking NC? Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 What did I do wrong? Nothing. Or did right? Everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happythroughout Posted March 13, 2011 Author Share Posted March 13, 2011 Then why does it feel awful, wanting an ex to contact me? Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 Then why does it feel awful, wanting an ex to contact me? Because you're valuing yourself based on how others value you. If an ex doesn't contact you wanting to get back together, then you feel unwanted and get that awful feeling about yourself. It may have absolutely nothing to do with you. People move on. The best thing you can do is to stop valuing yourself based on others' opinions of you. OR... Stop thinking your sh*t don't stink and feeling that every ex is "obligated" to come crawling back to you. [upon further thought, I'm not really sure how to interpret your situation/question...] Link to post Share on other sites
stopthemadness Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 If your not with smone its because you are not meant to be together. For what ever the reasons the relationship didnt work out.So now you move on, go on with your life and meet smone one new and one day fall in love again....Stop (try) thinking of the past so much and think about the future. And no theres is no way to get an ex to contact you first, without you contacting them...Leave it alone..I miss my ex smtimes too. Its ok, its normal. But they have moved on and we have to too.. good luck..hang in there.. Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 (edited) Was there an ex that you never heard from again? They never contacted you, asking for friendship or another go at the relationship. You lost touch completely. Out of the 5 guys I've dated (including my most recent ex), two of them have gotten in touch with me. One, years later through Facebook; the other, right after the one month I asked not to speak to him and things went ugly from there. I don't speak to the second ex and I don't care if good or bad things happen to him, but the first one, we're still in contact through Facebook but nothing substantial. These guys broke up with me. The two where I was the dumper, one of them didn't want to speak to me even when I reached out; the other one reached out to me to apologize even when it was my fault that we broke up in the first place. I have no idea what's happened to them, but I suppose they're alive. The most recent one where I'm the dumpee... I have a feeling it's not a matter of if but when he'll reach out to me. I'm just acknowledging that possibility that he will because in retrospect, all of my dumpers have gotten in touch with me in some way or the other. Also, I really just don't know what's going to happen. Is it ever possible to get an ex to contact you first without you breaking NC? Yes. Step one: leave the ex alone. Step two: move on believing you will never hear from them again. Is this a guarantee that the ex will contact? No, because you need to move on with your life without them. When my dumpers got back in touch with me, I was at the point where I didn't care for them. These steps? Really hard for recent dumpees to wrap their minds around - and understandably so. Edited March 13, 2011 by 0hpenelope Link to post Share on other sites
Layzie89 Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 (edited) Yes. Step one: leave the ex alone. Step two: move on believing you will never hear from them again. Is this a guarantee that the ex will contact? No, because you need to move on with your life without them. When my dumpers got back in touch with me, I was at the point where I didn't care for them. These steps? Really hard for recent dumpees to wrap their minds around - and understandably so. Day 44 NC for me and I will say, it DOES get easier. As hard as it may be to believe for fresh dumpees...stick with it long enough and you'll reap the benefits. Back to the original question though, my ex has only contacted me once since I went NC, it was on day 24 NC she texted me "How are you?" I didn't respond. I doubt she'll try again...she probably just reached out so she can say she did. And to be quite honest, I would rather have her never texted me. All it did was make me wonder, which set me back a few steps. Edited March 13, 2011 by Layzie89 Link to post Share on other sites
z00m25 Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 i was so mad after i found out i was cheated on but i havent heard from her since. i hated her so much. i got a happy bday text about three weeks ago but thats all so far. and for some reason this last week ive been wanting her to say something to me finally. idk why id rather hate her than sit here waiting for something thats not going to happen. i just quit smoking last week. i bet thats the cause of my recent feelings. On a better note, Battle for LA is an awesome movie lol, first time i went to the movies on my own. go see it Link to post Share on other sites
Author happythroughout Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 Because you're valuing yourself based on how others value you. If an ex doesn't contact you wanting to get back together, then you feel unwanted and get that awful feeling about yourself. It may have absolutely nothing to do with you. People move on. The best thing you can do is to stop valuing yourself based on others' opinions of you. OR... Stop thinking your sh*t don't stink and feeling that every ex is "obligated" to come crawling back to you. [upon further thought, I'm not really sure how to interpret your situation/question...] At least in my latest situation, it's more because I value myself based on the guy. I'm jealous he has someone now. I'm even upset that I'm single just because he's not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happythroughout Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 If your not with smone its because you are not meant to be together. For what ever the reasons the relationship didnt work out.So now you move on, go on with your life and meet smone one new and one day fall in love again....Stop (try) thinking of the past so much and think about the future. And no theres is no way to get an ex to contact you first, without you contacting them...Leave it alone..I miss my ex smtimes too. Its ok, its normal. But they have moved on and we have to too.. good luck..hang in there.. There are ups and downs. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes not so much. But I generally wish he would contact me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happythroughout Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 [quote=0hpenelope;3289064Yes. Step one: leave the ex alone. Step two: move on believing you will never hear from them again. Is this a guarantee that the ex will contact? No, because you need to move on with your life without them. When my dumpers got back in touch with me, I was at the point where I didn't care for them. These steps? Really hard for recent dumpees to wrap their minds around - and understandably so. Since most of my exes never contacted me, I'm inclined to think this one won't either. I don't know what I want him to contact me for. I just want him to contact me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author happythroughout Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 Day 44 NC for me and I will say, it DOES get easier. As hard as it may be to believe for fresh dumpees...stick with it long enough and you'll reap the benefits. Back to the original question though, my ex has only contacted me once since I went NC, it was on day 24 NC she texted me "How are you?" I didn't respond. I doubt she'll try again...she probably just reached out so she can say she did. And to be quite honest, I would rather have her never texted me. All it did was make me wonder, which set me back a few steps. I'm sorry it set you back a few steps. But I'm amazed that you never responded. It must have taken a lot in you to not respond. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happythroughout Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 i was so mad after i found out i was cheated on but i havent heard from her since. i hated her so much. i got a happy bday text about three weeks ago but thats all so far. and for some reason this last week ive been wanting her to say something to me finally. idk why id rather hate her than sit here waiting for something thats not going to happen. i just quit smoking last week. i bet thats the cause of my recent feelings. On a better note, Battle for LA is an awesome movie lol, first time i went to the movies on my own. go see it Out of curiousity, what would you have wanted him to say to you? Link to post Share on other sites
AC06 Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 My ex's I still see, because I work with or near them, one I hang around outside work because of their new relationship, the other I just run into every now and then, quick hi and that's it. If it wasn't because of location I wouldn't hear off them. Wouldn't bother me now, it's two and a half to three years after the fact. The current ex, well, we don't live close, I don't have Facebook, so if either of us changed our phone number (it's becoming a distinct possiblity for me), I doubt I'd ever hear off her again, short of attempting an email or one of us going to find the other face to face. It hurts now, but I'm still in love with the memory of her and hoping for the possibility I'll see her like that again. I felt about her in a way I've never felt about anyone in my life, and knew it the whole time. But I think this may be it. In a couple of years I probably won't worry, but we'll see. Link to post Share on other sites
Iselia Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 It's been 11 months ish since the ex and I broke up. She dumped me (I'm the dumpee). Just two nights ago she texted me. First contact we've had in 7 months. I didn't respond. She just wanted to see how I was. It was breadcrumbs. Guess f*cking paradise isn't so great after all, or she wouldn't be texting me. I'm thinking it's time to change my cell phone number. Link to post Share on other sites
Author happythroughout Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 I'm jealous you guys get exes that contact you after some time. At least right now I really want him to contact me, whatever it is he might say. As each day passes, the less I think he will, just because I don't know what he would have to say. If it's sometime now, I can think of what excuse he could use. Maybe I'm feeling this way because today isn't great for me emotionally. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Maybe I'm feeling this way because today isn't great for me emotionally. probably. my LTR exes contact me from time to time for a chat. some are on my facebook. Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 (edited) Since most of my exes never contacted me, I'm inclined to think this one won't either. I don't know what I want him to contact me for. I just want him to contact me. Yeah, how you're thinking right now is the exact way of thinking I eventually developed when it came to the exes who got in touch with me. So with regard to your original question ("What did I do wrong? Or did right?"), you're doing everything "right." Seriously, I stopped harboring hope that I would hear from them again in any way or form. When I got to thinking that way, that's when a few of them came around for good or for bad. My most recent ex deactivated his Facebook while we dated and just a few days ago, I saw him pop up on my news feed. I thought the possibility of us having communications "crumbs" was closed to me forever and then there he was, the fool... Will I de-friend him? No, he went through the trouble of breaking up with me and he can go through the trouble of getting me off his list of Facebook "friends," if he were so inclined. I've taken a few peeks at his profile, but doing so doesn't set me back in healing. The way I feel now, what with my fear of seeing something and the emptiness I feel after taking a look, it's helped control my urges to peek; I don't like not feeling good. To quote The All-American Rejects, when he sees my face? I hope it gives him h*ll! I'm jealous you guys get exes that contact you after some time. At least right now I really want him to contact me, whatever it is he might say. As each day passes, the less I think he will, just because I don't know what he would have to say. If it's sometime now, I can think of what excuse he could use. Maybe I'm feeling this way because today isn't great for me emotionally. Don't be jealous... In other relationships where I lost contact with someone I care about, having them try to re-connect has upset me more than make me feel happy. Because I'm reminded of the tough stuff I went through when they conveniently disappeared and now that everything's all happy and awesome with me, that's when they start coming around. By then, I've gone through the process of forgiving them and letting them go with full belief that I will never hear from them again. I hold no bitterness or resentment towards them, but it doesn't mean I want them back in my life either. Did you do something to make you feel good about yourself? I didn't feel like going to the gym today, but I forced myself to and I'm glad I did. Edited March 16, 2011 by 0hpenelope 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author happythroughout Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 Yeah, how you're thinking right now is the exact way of thinking I eventually developed when it came to the exes who got in touch with me. So with regard to your original question ("What did I do wrong? Or did right?"), you're doing everything "right." I can't feel that "right" part because I feel there are unresolved issues. That I probably cut off too early instead of giving him a second chance. I was really angry at that time about something he did. Friends tell me he's probably moved on and that he's not doing the moping that I think he might be. Don't be jealous... In other relationships where I lost contact with someone I care about, having them try to re-connect has upset me more than make me feel happy. Because I'm reminded of the tough stuff I went through when they conveniently disappeared and now that everything's all happy and awesome with me, that's when they start coming around. By then, I've gone through the process of forgiving them and letting them go with full belief that I will never hear from them again. I hold no bitterness or resentment towards them, but it doesn't mean I want them back in my life either. I think a lot of how it would be like if he was still in my life. That's probably the hardest. Did you do something to make you feel good about yourself? I didn't feel like going to the gym today, but I forced myself to and I'm glad I did. I'm not at that stage where I couldn't do anything anymore. I go to the gym and have a social life. I still haven't regained all of my appetite though. Some days I think I would just contact him just because seeing all that's going on in the world, I find that this is too petty and silly, to cut someone I was once close to from my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Kic Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 OP, the people you dumped are not contacting you because they may be correctly following NC or have moved on. You wish you'd hear from them? Good - that means NC has an impact. In a more ideal world, NC would happen 100% of the time. The people that dumped you would only contact you if they want you back or are stringing you along with breadcrumbs as an option. Their new relationship or other motive for ending it would have needed to fail or become less of a priority. If contact happens, I'd guess that desire for reconciliation occurs less than 10% of the time, with the other 90% of the time being to feed their egos, string you along, manipulate your feelings, etc. Be grateful that they aren't contacting you! Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightinMadrid Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 OP, the people you dumped are not contacting you because they may be correctly following NC or have moved on. You wish you'd hear from them? Good - that means NC has an impact. In a more ideal world, NC would happen 100% of the time. The people that dumped you would only contact you if they want you back or are stringing you along with breadcrumbs as an option. Their new relationship or other motive for ending it would have needed to fail or become less of a priority. If contact happens, I'd guess that desire for reconciliation occurs less than 10% of the time, with the other 90% of the time being to feed their egos, string you along, manipulate your feelings, etc. Be grateful that they aren't contacting you! My such negativity,i'm sure exes reaching out doesnt have to always be a bad sign. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kic Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Bad sign or not, it's not helping you and/or them move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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