dressing up Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 After reading some of the posts here, I find that quite a number of LSers are still in contact with their exes. I'm not judging. I just wonder how you guys do it. I have never become friends with any of my exes because I like things black and white and it's just too difficult to be around someone that doesn't love you back anymore or seeing them eventually fall in love with someone else. How do you do the contact thing? And what do you hope to achieve from it? Link to post Share on other sites
EmperorR Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 im not, my family is however due to her son who they got extremely close to. Link to post Share on other sites
clumsiest Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 I don't know how to completely let go. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 i've never stayed in touch with any ex...and there are quite a few Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 The ones I'm still in contact with I like as people..as friends. They also get along with my husband so everything works fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dressing up Posted March 13, 2011 Author Share Posted March 13, 2011 I don't know how to completely let go. How does keeping in contact with your exes make you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dressing up Posted March 13, 2011 Author Share Posted March 13, 2011 The ones I'm still in contact with I like as people..as friends. They also get along with my husband so everything works fine. I've heard that if you're friends with your exes to begin with, it's harder to let go or easier to be in contact. Were you already friends with your exes before you got married or after? Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 I've heard that if you're friends with your exes to begin with, it's harder to let go or easier to be in contact.I wouldn't recommend being friends with exes if you're not over them. Once that's over, there's no reason why you can't be friends. Were you already friends with your exes before you got married or after?Before. Bear in mind that I was the dumper for all of them. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 I'm friends with most of my exes for the same reasons I am friends with anyone: we get on and enjoy each other's company. People fall in and out of love all the time. If you like each other, then know each other. If either one of you finds it too upsetting or is still trapped in the past, losing contact works best for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 Well, I don't know about other people, but being friends with my ex has helped me to move on gradually... you know, while in NC I thought of my ex the whole damn day, expected her to contact me, obsessed about her... you name it... Now, we talked a bit everyday and that's it... she is not the center of the universe anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
Author dressing up Posted March 13, 2011 Author Share Posted March 13, 2011 Well, I don't know about other people, but being friends with my ex has helped me to move on gradually... you know, while in NC I thought of my ex the whole damn day, expected her to contact me, obsessed about her... you name it... Now, we talked a bit everyday and that's it... she is not the center of the universe anymore... This is new. I agree I miss the communication though I think it'll only work if the constant contact remains constant. Link to post Share on other sites
Bateman Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 Well, I don't know about other people, but being friends with my ex has helped me to move on gradually... you know, while in NC I thought of my ex the whole damn day, expected her to contact me, obsessed about her... you name it... Now, we talked a bit everyday and that's it... she is not the center of the universe anymore... I find this completely counterintuitive to what this forum is saying. Although, I understand it completely. I do still wait for her to call but know she won't, and I just want her in my life as a friend. I'm scared of falling back in love though. I've been in 1 1/2 month NC but do not feel much more moved on. But whenever I think of her a good friend, I feel TONS better, even when I imagine her with someone else. I just want to be part of her life...Interesting Trovador. I won't jump into anything yet, but I feel like I should give this perspective some thought since all I have heard is NC stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
spackle Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 I've been in text contact with - well he's not even an ex, he's someone I had sex with a couple of times and it was all a bit whirlwind - for the past 4months. I enyojed the contact but it's brought up some other feelings for him. It also leaves me with more questions, most of 'em start with why? He said he can't see any reason not to be. I can't see the women he is back with (& cheated on and left) would see things the same. I don't know how people get to be friends with an ex when so many strong feelings are involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dressing up Posted March 13, 2011 Author Share Posted March 13, 2011 Actually, texts are the worst. They're addictive. I probably miss my guy friend's texts more than I miss him. The things he would say via text. Link to post Share on other sites
ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 For me it is black and white, I love him, he says he loves me, we should be together. Simple Seriously though, Im still in contact with him because Im hopeless...trying to overcome that though cause Im emotionally drained. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dressing up Posted March 13, 2011 Author Share Posted March 13, 2011 For me it is black and white, I love him, he says he loves me, we should be together. Simple Seriously though, Im still in contact with him because Im hopeless...trying to overcome that though cause Im emotionally drained. If you both love each other, why aren't you together? Link to post Share on other sites
ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 If you both love each other, why aren't you together? That right there is the million dollar question. Ill put a link in my sig so that if youre curious to know my story you can check it out. Link to post Share on other sites
stopthemadness Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 I did that. I stayed in contact with my ex for like 6 months after our break up and boy did i learn the hard way!!He was dating other women and I would let him tell me about it. I would listen just to have contact i guess..DUMB DUMB.. i have been N/C for just short of two months and NOW the healing is moving right along. I feel soo much better now. So my advice is after a breakup NO CONTACT is the way to go...anything else is just hurting your self......... Link to post Share on other sites
ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 Maybe Idve moved on faster if he did start telling me about other women he was with too, that would definitely have burst my bubble big time...but this whole time hes been more focused on telling me anyone hes involved with means nothing...even the woman he cheated on me with and for sure spent at least a year with...yeah forgive me but Im not buying that. All the same, he refuses to admit and never talks about anyone except to say it is casual fun, while Im the closest thing hes got to the real thing. Yeah not buying that either, if I was so close, why am I still the ex? (thats a rhetorical question tp the forum btw lol) Link to post Share on other sites
Trovador Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 I am not really advocating anything, but when you are in NC you forget the bad in your ex and, inconsciously maybe, think he or she is the second coming... While if you stay around (remember, you are doing this with the most absolute desire of moving on), you realize how common your ex really is... Do you want to see the true colors of your ex? Be their friend... You'd be surprised how different is an ex playing the role of a friend... the things they (can) tell you now! But of course, if your falling again for them, run away, go back to NC immediately, you will suffer less in the long run! Link to post Share on other sites
ReturnToSender Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 I am not really advocating anything, but when you are in NC you forget the bad in your ex and, inconsciously maybe, think he or she is the second coming... While if you stay around (remember, you are doing this with the most absolute desire of moving on), you realize how common your ex really is... Do you want to see the true colors of your ex? Be their friend... You'd be surprised how different is an ex playing the role of a friend... the things they (can) tell you now! But of course, if your falling again for them, run away, go back to NC immediately, you will suffer less in the long run! Actually Ive had the total opposite happen to me. While in this "lets be friends" mode, my ex has put forward his best qualities, reminding me how and why I fell in love with him in the first place and he knows thats what keeps me holding on, even without any promises or the relationship I want. On the flip, its during our times apart when I have time to reflect on what is actually going on here that the realization starts sinking in that Im not getting anything I want out of this and I remember what he did that we ended up here to begin with, as well as what hes doing knowiing full I cant possibly be happy with this. Some people will not show thier true colours until they find out things are not going to go thier way and its clear that they arent going to have thier way any longer...not giving into just being friends a good example of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Veng Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 Staying in contact with my ex for some time helped me to realise, there is really no hope (at least for now) and I can really do nothing here. It also helped me to get answers to a lot of my questions. So after this I could go into NC "with a clear conscience". Link to post Share on other sites
fresh8 Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 (edited) 3 weeks since the breakup and about a week of strict no-contact, I thought I was ok but last night and this morning, I was still upset as hell and today constantly thinking about us. FYI, I broke NC because of some personal issues and I went to her straight away and she was kind enough to oblige and help me through everything. Then I told her we should stop talking for a while as it was clearly not helping me move on after she kept texting to see if I was ok. Your question is very relevant to me because all of today I was thinking about 'how exactly can we be friends?' She wants to stay friends because she doesn't see us having a normal relationship because of her family. However, she's the jealous type and I am too. Right now, I'm scared to move on even though everyday I tell myself that she is moving on herself. And after I convince myself that she will move on, I cannot bear to think (and I will see this if we stay friends) her with another man so that's why I think that being friends ain't possible! At the same time, I feel like it's a shame if I were to lose her from my life completely. Stupid emotions! Edited March 14, 2011 by fresh8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dressing up Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 I am not really advocating anything, but when you are in NC you forget the bad in your ex and, inconsciously maybe, think he or she is the second coming... While if you stay around (remember, you are doing this with the most absolute desire of moving on), you realize how common your ex really is... Do you want to see the true colors of your ex? Be their friend... You'd be surprised how different is an ex playing the role of a friend... the things they (can) tell you now! But of course, if your falling again for them, run away, go back to NC immediately, you will suffer less in the long run! Actually Ive had the total opposite happen to me. While in this "lets be friends" mode, my ex has put forward his best qualities, reminding me how and why I fell in love with him in the first place and he knows thats what keeps me holding on, even without any promises or the relationship I want. On the flip, its during our times apart when I have time to reflect on what is actually going on here that the realization starts sinking in that Im not getting anything I want out of this and I remember what he did that we ended up here to begin with, as well as what hes doing knowiing full I cant possibly be happy with this. Some people will not show thier true colours until they find out things are not going to go thier way and its clear that they arent going to have thier way any longer...not giving into just being friends a good example of this. As shown in the two posts, staying in contact can have random results. I find that whether I stay in contact or I go NC, I still only remember mostly the good parts. I do know the bad parts but most of the time the missing him part outweighs them. I'm so mad at myself! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dressing up Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 Staying in contact with my ex for some time helped me to realise, there is really no hope (at least for now) and I can really do nothing here. It also helped me to get answers to a lot of my questions. So after this I could go into NC "with a clear conscience". I have no "courage" to stay in contact because I have no stomach for all the drama. I already have a hard time getting over it (even though we aren't even an item), let alone being around him now that he's in a new relationship. 3 weeks since the breakup and about a week of strict no-contact, I thought I was ok but last night and this morning, I was still upset as hell and today constantly thinking about us. FYI, I broke NC because of some personal issues and I went to her straight away and she was kind enough to oblige and help me through everything. Then I told her we should stop talking for a while as it was clearly not helping me move on after she kept texting to see if I was ok. I can relate. Sometimes I think I'm getting there, sometimes I fall back into feeling awful. Right now, I'm scared to move on even though everyday I tell myself that she is moving on herself. And after I convince myself that she will move on, I cannot bear to think (and I will see this if we stay friends) her with another man so that's why I think that being friends ain't possible! At the same time, I feel like it's a shame if I were to lose her from my life completely. Stupid emotions! If you don't think you can see her with another man, it's impossible to be friends. I'm on NC because I can't see my guy friend with his new girlfriend. I also feel it's a shame I can't continue my friendship with him but it's probably for the best even though I miss him. Link to post Share on other sites
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