Insert guttural scream here.

[radrluv72]

I'm so frustrated right now, that I feel like I should be on the floor, kicking & screaming like a 2 year old.

 

I found out yesterday, which was day 70 of NC for me, that my ex is active on the personals again, on the same site that I met him at and where I still have a profile. It's my own fault, really. Once we broke up, I never deleted him off my list of favorites, even after he defriended me on Facebook. So when I would pull up my list, there he is. He never deleted his profile, even being over in Afghanistan for the past 3 months.

 

Well, I happened to notice earlier this week that he was hopping online to the personals a lot this week, and now it's at least once a day. And immeadiately I felt a panic attack coming on. I KNOW, I KNOW, I SHOULDN'T BE LOOKING IN THE FIRST PLACE. So again--my own fault.

 

So, I've had a million things going through my head in the past 24 hours, like this stuff....

 

OMG, who's he talking to. No, no, no, you're supposed to come back to me!!

 

That SOB...he comes home next month, he's just looking for a piece of tail.

 

Maybe he's just searching like I am. Oh, who am I kidding? He gets on once a month, and now he's been on 4 times in a week?! WHO IS HE TALKING TO??!!

 

...Stuff like that. Anyone who's been in my shoes knows exactly what I'm talking about. Well, after my shock, I got good & angry...which is probably the first time that I did get angry since I tore into him 3 weeks after we broke up and told him not to contact me anymore unless he wanted to have an honest discussion about what was really going on with him. And I came to a very overdue realization.

 

This entire 10 weeks of NC, I've been under the firm belief that my ex abruptly broke up with me because he thought I was too good to be true. And I don't know why it took this to make it happen, but now I know it's true. As much as I insisted after he broke up with me that I never would have cheated or left him while he was deployed, he just didn't believe me, period. And I had given him no reason to not believe me. Jeebuz, you know, I've been screwed over before in my life, but I've never carried that baggage into the next relationship. I had sent a handwritten letter along with the things he gave me to him in Afghanistan the day I implemented NC...I told him that I loved him and how much I wish we could just wipe the slate clean & start all over again, that I was sorry things turned out like they did, and that my door was always open to him. I didn't expect a response, and I didn't get one. I've spent this entire time trying to pick up the pieces of my life, mourning the loss of a beautiful relationship...well, the time for that is over. Now I'm p****d off!!!

 

I feel sorry for the next girl he picks up off the personals. Not because my ex is a bad person, because he's not. But he's an overgrown kid playing soldier in a flight suit. I was probably the best damn thing that ever happened to him, and he's too stupid to drop a pair & see it. I'm tall, independent, sexy, I spend my own money on my own things, I'm intelligent, I say what I think, and I can tell you right now, I was probably the best sex he ever had. And I know that it's for every single one of those reasons that drew him to me and kept him around. I never complained about how often he had to travel for his work, I never asked him for anything material despite how often he offered, and I was proud--PROUD--to be on his arm. I LOVED him. Bloody well adored him. And in the end, he couldn't handle that I was just that genuine. Bottom line is that, he's scared to death of me, scared to death of what he feels, and he still is.

 

I am done. I'm done with hope, sympathy, sad love songs, crying to myself at night, worrying if he was really going to move on to someone else, worrying if my last words made any impact or meant anything to him at all. When he comes home from Afghanistan next month & gets his rocks off with whoever he's in the process of picking up online right now, if he shows up at my door, he'd better be on his knees...and they better be bloody. After what I've been through, all the tears I've cried, all the pain and the self-doubt, looking for ways that this could have been my fault...I think it's the least he could do.

 

Spring is on it's way, girls. I don't know about you, but I'm all ready to get cute, go out & show myself off. I'm worth it, and so are all of you.