What now?

[kourtney01]

It's been 3 weeks since the break-up.

 

This is not my first break-up...but it is my first true love so this break-up seems to be A LOT harder than any other one I've had in the past.

 

We were together for 2 years, engaged to be married this summer. We got our wedding vows tattoed on our wrists, travelled the world together and have had many many amazing memories.

 

Problem: he cheated..more than once. He cheated (with a few women) at the beginning of our relationship and I disappeared. At the time, I blamed it on our constant fighting and butting heads. I blamed myself for being too needy and falling for him too quickly. (foolish I know) He promised me he changed so I took him back. This time it was different... we spent every day together, we got engaged, set the date for our wedding and really began to move forward in life. Which is why I was so shocked to catch him cheating again. This time, I didn't have as much BLANTANT proof as I did the first time around. But I found movie tickets, bank statements, a suspicious ski trip video, late night calls from one girl, text messages from ANOTHER girl, emails from yet ANOTHER girl. And he had the perfect explanation for everything. Until I couldn't take it anymore and dumped him a few days after Valentine's day. He said I'm too paranoid because of our rocky past and that I destroyed the relationship this time around. He says I'm insecure. Of course I'm insecure when I am a beautiful woman, I model part-time, I'm educated, I have men throwing themselves at me even though I only have eyes for him .. and he runs around with women nowhere near my caliber or flirts with anyone who wears a low-cut top or shows a bit of leg! Of course it has me question WHY I am not enough?

 

I keep beating myself up about it every day. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and now I cought a really bad flu and have been in bed crying and pining over him for days.

 

I changed my number the day we broke up (so I wouldn't send or receive any drunken texts I may regret sending or reading....mainly so I wouldn't relapse) And now, I regret it

 

This is my problem. At first, I felt great. I felt strong...maninly I felt numb. I was like a raging bull seeing nothing but red. I was done with love, done trying, done speculating, done blaming myself for his mistakes. I was done suffering. It took a lot of strength to break free from his tight grip and from him begging and telling me how much he loved me...but I did it. I even met a new guy just days after (by TOTAL fluke) who I've been casually seeing from time to time. (it's hard to bring myself to even like new guy...so I told him we can only be friends for now but he really likes me)

 

At first, I felt like I met the new guy because the higher powers were giving me a break. Meanwhile the ex was franticly calling my house line and mutual friends to see where I disappeared to and what I was doing. He poured his heart out in an email a few days post BU that really broke my heart...I almost caved when I read it...but I remained strong.

 

After a week he simply gave up... since then, I saw him once, 2 weeks in, when he simply came by to pick up his mail (I kicked him out...it was my place..now he is living with his parents) and he didn't say ONE word to me about the BU...it was shocking. A few days later, I noticed I had something of his he was looking for so I dropped by his parents' place...I gave it to him. He tried to act like nothing happened and said he might come by to visit me later that night...I snapped and told him he was crazy after cheating on me so many times and not even trying to contact me anymore that he can just 'come by'. He told me off...and we haven't spoken since..it's been a week NC and 3 weeks post BU.

 

WHY am I going nuts??? Why do I miss him more now than 3 weeks ago?? I want NOTHING to do with new guy...I just want my ex to do something spectacular and amazing to salvage our relationship and correct his flirtatious behavior...if I'm the so called "love of his life" why has he given up already?? And why do I feel like I can't go on without him? I keep having nightmares that he has already moved on and I can't even bring myself to digest what life would be like without him forever... I keep thinking about how GOOD things were between us before I started snooping through his tusff and found suspicious evidence...I keept thinking maybe I was wrong? Was I just looking for somehting that wasn't there? Or am I playing tricks with my head right now because I want him back?

 

Is there light at the end of this tunnel? What should I do? How can I expect to feel? Will it get better anytime soon? Will he ever re-appear? Will he ever change? will i get over this?

 

I have never felt this torn, lost, alone and hopeless in my entire life. The pain is debilitating...I thought after everything I've been through that I was stronger than this. What's wrong with me?

 

Thank you for reading. Any advice will help. Would lvoe to hear men and women's perspective on all of this.