Need to get it out

[bslchump]

So today I feel absolutely horrible. I don't know why, I just woke up with it. I went to get the mail in the morning and when I came back to the apartment I could have sworn I smelled the fragrance she uses. That set off a pang.

 

She's still on her "spring break" and it's getting harder for me to think about. She hasn't contacted me once, which I am grateful for, though it helps my mind wander to thoughts of, "if she isn't talking to me, who IS she talking to??". I tell myself (sometimes aloud) that it doesn't matter if she's having an orgy with 20 guys, she's not my concern anymore. It doesn't help. When the thoughts of who she may be spending her time with at the beach come into my head, I feel sad/depressed/jealous all over again.

 

I suppose the thing to be thankful for is that these bouts are getting less frequent. I used to feel like this every day and now I feel like this only a few times a week. That makes me a little sad to think about, strangely enough. It's like she's fading out of my life when all I ever wanted was for her to be at the forefront of it.

 

Everything in my current life is a trigger since I am the one living in the apartment for the time being. It's going to be so ridiculously sad for me leaving, but I hope it's better in the long run. Not only will I actually be around friends and family, but the environment won't be focused on our life together. All day every day all I see is "our fridge, our bed, our couch, our toaster, our tv".

 

I've been sticking to my LC as best I can. I have no initiated any convos with her in weeks, though sometimes I have to respond if theres something I have to deal with. I flat-out ignore non-essential texts. I've gotten to the point where when I hear my phone go off, 75% of me hopes that it's not her. I hope that other 25% will be squelched soon.

 

I had posted a question in someone else's thread but got no response. I was wondering what you guys thought:

 

I haven't broached the subject of getting back together in roughly 2 months, since I don't want to be back with a liar and a cheat. But in the past month or so she's been stopping by the apartment to get things of hers. The past few times she's tried to hang out with me when she's over here, but I completely stone-wall her attempts. She's cried a good number of times when she sees me and I'm not buddy-buddy with her. She even told me that she was staying so long because she wanted to spend time with me and talk to me, and that she thought I had wanted to see her (I have NEVER given that impression, even though I do want to). The last time she was over, she even tried to hug me before she left and I refused it. She was crying the whole time.

 

What gives? As far as I know, things are still chugging along with her and the new guy, though admittedly I haven't been in a position to hear ANYTHING about them in roughly 2 months. She has never said she wants to get back together, so is she just screwing with me? Trying to assuage her own guilt? It's driving me nuts.

[bslchump]

Anybody? I'd really like to know why she acts like that. She's the one who wanted to break up. She's the one who told me to find someone else because she already had.

[worldgonewrong]

What gives? As far as I know, things are still chugging along with her and the new guy, though admittedly I haven't been in a position to hear ANYTHING about them in roughly 2 months. She has never said she wants to get back together, so is she just screwing with me? Trying to assuage her own guilt? It's driving me nuts.

 

She's moved on, man.

 

And you need to, too.

 

If she was contacting you and all that, then she'd be screwing with you. As it is, she's over you.

 

I'm sorry.

[Renard99]

Don't really know what to say as I think it's a tough one.

 

On one hand I think she maybe trying to force the friendship card for her own purposes. Seeing if she can just lower your armour for just a second, just long enough to plant the friendship seed, knowing that when she does, it will relieve some of her own guilt.

 

On the other hand she may well be trying to test the water for a potential come back.

 

I think, if you're dead set on not having her back then keep playing it the way you are and reinforce your view that friendship won't work with you and it's business and loose ends only from here on. If on the other hand you're entertaining the idea of having her back, it may be worth asking what she wants to achieve by hanging out with you. If her answer isn't what you want to hear or it's obvious she's playing you, put your armour back up and move on because she has.

[bslchump]

Don't really know what to say as I think it's a tough one.

 

On one hand I think she maybe trying to force the friendship card for her own purposes. Seeing if she can just lower your armour for just a second, just long enough to plant the friendship seed, knowing that when she does, it will relieve some of her own guilt.

 

On the other hand she may well be trying to test the water for a potential come back.

 

I think, if you're dead set on not having her back then keep playing it the way you are and reinforce your view that friendship won't work with you and it's business and loose ends only from here on. If on the other hand you're entertaining the idea of having her back, it may be worth asking what she wants to achieve by hanging out with you. If her answer isn't what you want to hear or it's obvious she's playing you, put your armour back up and move on because she has.

 

This was a really nice post. I'm feeling pretty ok right now and it makes a lot of sense. I doubt she's trying to get back with me, but I think she hates that I'm not even giving her an opening anymore.

 

I think you're right that it's more likely she's trying to plant the "friendship seed". My guess is she feels incredibly guilty for all the sh*t she's done to me, so she wants to hear that she and I are ok. We're not. She won't be getting any reassurances from me about that.

 

Thanks guys. That helped a lot.