How to overcome dumper's regret?

[Kristie16]

I'm experiencing a case of dumper's regret. I knew it would probably hit. I really truly loved my ex boyfriend, and I still do. I broke up with him two weeks ago because we both needed different things. He wasn't happy sexually and needed me to be more all about him. I wasn't happy emotionally. We were headed down different paths. I'm just the one who finally decided to take the step and break up. But I think I'm having a harder time than he is. We text briefly yesterday. (and yes, I know we shouldn't be talking, but it was good to hear from him).

 

I'd been experiencing the regret before even talking to him yesterday. Long term, I know I made the right decision, because we have too many core differences that would make a marriage/family impossible to have. (We were together close to a year). But I'm now wondering if I should have stayed with him short term just to have someone to be with? But I also think that's kind of selfish of me to think like that. Then again, my ex bf likes being in a relationship, no matter who the girl is, so why shouldn't it be me?

 

What's interesting is that I learned yesterday he's beginning an internship on Monday. He must have just set this up recently, because it wasn't in the cards when we were together. One of our main differences was that he basically didn't want to grow up and showed little drive or initiative to really do anything in life. Well, now he goes and shows some initiative! I don't know what to think. He has done this in the past, though. Once when we got into a fight early on in the relationship he went and enrolled in a college class the next day, because I was upset when I learned he wasn't going to school like he'd told me he was. So it's not totally out of the ordinary, but this time we actually broke up, so I don't really understand where it's coming from. Is he trying to prove something to me, did he finally realize he needed to grow up or did he personally just reach that decision on his own?

 

Maybe it took me breaking up with him for him to get his act together? And if that is the case, I'm happy, because I really do want him to reach his full potential. I just wish he would have showed this initiative when we were together.

 

Now the regret is even stronger, but again, I know, deep down, it's for the best because we would not be marriage material. But I'm questioning whether I should have stayed with him for the time being. My thought process at the time was I shouldn't delay the inevitable. Now, not so sure...

[0hpenelope]

I see your ex as just trying to live his life and establishing life without you in it. Because I'm a mere observer, I don't know what he's thinking but I do know that what he's doing is a good thing for himself.

 

Give your dumpee credit that he came to his senses on his own and that he doesn't care what you think of it or not. Perhaps he's doing this because he wants you to see that he can change, but you know... leave him alone. I'm not saying that he didn't contribute to the end of the relationship, but he needs to improve himself with you or without you. Where he's at? Without you. What's the guy to do?

 

You did what was best for you and he'll understand that someday. We're all going through our own regrets in the relationship, but focus on what you did wrong and go about working on that. That way, when you start a new relationship, you'll learn from your mistakes and you'll have a better relationship.

[jquest1280]

I've seen it often, for a dumper or dumpee to go and do something that you had been wishing they had done while in the relationship. I don't know why they have to wait until the relationship is over . Do they need a kick-start? It may not be necessarily be because he wants to prove something to you, so don't take it too personally. Maybe he thought it was a good idea, and since you dumped him, he went and found some productive distraction.

 

If you weren't happy with him, you are right to listen to yourself.

 

My impression is you both have some growing up to do, so some time apart might be good. I think you might benefit from some productive distraction yourself. If he goes NC, so should you. If he seems able to handle LC, it might be ok, like, birthdays, but keep it short and off sensitive topics, until you can see definite changes in him and yourself. It might take years. If the feelings return and changes have taken place, who knows? You might get a Part II. Good luck

[timchambo]

You definitely did the right thing by not waiting for someone else to come along. You sound a lot like my ex. She claims to have left because of our differences, and "wasnt in love" and I didn't treat her right and... the list goes on and on. The only thing I know for sure is that I treated her better than she deserved. She had her new man the day after she left. By waiting that long she was cheating emotionally. Cheers to being a better person girl.

 

Your regret also has something to do with him becoming more independent. I think he did this entirely based on need. For him, he didn't need to do that with you in the picture. Now he has nothing and needs to do something with himself. This is probably the best thing for both of you right now. Take the time you need to yourself, treat yourself right do things you've always wanted to do. Maybe in the future he will be that man you always wanted him to be and you'll have a bright future together.

 

I personally was able to accomplish what he did while in a relationship with my ex. It took me a couple years, but we were both really young. I don't think at the time that our RL was what delayed my ambition at all. I just think I needed to grow up and thats what I did... just took me some time. I took my ex much longer to do what I did, but when she did thats when she left.

 

I think my ex probably viewed some things the same as you did, but in my opinion she was way off. I did the school thing got a start in my career and lead to making above avg income. She bounced from job to job making very little money. She was unhappy with where her life was. I eventually became bored of what I do but continued to hold down my job to pay our bills and allow her to start school. She eventually landed her dream job by pure chance and quit school. Dream job didn't pay a lot but she was happy now. As work increased for her this would allow me to start looking for new career opportunities as we wouldn't need to rely so heavily on my income. Unfortunately this is when she left.

 

I say all that to say she viewed me keeping my well paying, unsatisfying job as a lack of ambition. I think it was totally unfair as we relied so heavily on me putting the roof over our head. I did look at other positions but this was in the height of the recession, and it was far to risky to risk job security and my healthy income.

 

I commend you in not being as selfish as my ex.

 

See my initial thread on how bad it could have looked if you waited for a new guy to enter the picture before you left.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t260600/

 

You have far better reasons to leave than she did, so please take this as a compliment