Relapsing

[bslchump]

Ever since she went away on vacation for spring break (3 days ago) I've been feeling terrible. Not only can I not shake the feeling that she's going to hook up with someone, but I'm anxious about my move back home. I had been kind of excited and looking at all the good parts, but after I saw her last, I just feel bad.

 

She had come over to grab a couple of things for her trip. After she had gotten everything she needed, she sat down and started making idle conversation about stupid little things. My heart was just pounding the whole time, wishing she would leave and wishing even more that she would stay. I didn't respond much. I kept a stone face. I finally asked why she wasn't leaving and she broke into tears. She said she wanted to spend time with me, and that I'd said that I wanted to spend time with her (trust me, I haven't. I rarely even respond to her texts unless I HAVE to). She told me she was upset I was leaving and she wouldn't get to see me anymore. I didn't really respond so she kind of laughed bitterly and said she'd go. I haven't had any actual physical contact with her in months now, so when she approached me, obviously looking for a hug, I turned to the side and gestured at the door. She just nodded and kept crying and left.

 

I don't know why the @#$% she does that to me. It was exhausting. I mean, she's the one who wanted to break up. She's the one who was flirting with and ignoring me for the new guy in her life. Why is she getting the impression I want to spend time with her? I do, but only in a masochistic sense. I miss the ever-loving hell out of her, and it makes my heart ache to see her in the apartment, but how can I say any of these things? She doesn't deserve the attention or affection that she craves. I hate myself for missing her, because she completely betrayed my trust. It's such a weird feeling trying to interact with her. Just a few short months ago she was the girl in my life who I trusted COMPLETELY.

 

I've flopped back to wanting to date her again. I'm 99.9% sure even if I asked she would refuse, and I don't want to on an intellectual level, but I just want to be with her again. I miss how things were. I suppose that's normal, but it doesn't change how much I ache for it.

 

I looked through some old AIM conversations from when we had just broken up. The thing that I noticed was that, while I sounded pretty pathetic, she sounded unbelievably cold. My responses were pretty lame because I didn't know how to deal with that. She's always been such an emotional person that I didn't know how to interact with her being frigid and uncaring. I deleted the convos.

 

I'm scared to go home because that means it's over. It sounds silly because it's already over, but moving that far away is definitive. I want her to miss me. I want her to cry for me and beg to have me stay. I'm a complete moron for wanting this, because she wants the sparkly new attention that her new guy is giving her. I hate it, but I still have the territorial drive kicking in making me want her more than ever. I'm incredibly attracted to her, post-breakup even more so. That makes it really tough when she comes over because all I can think is "wow she looks really pretty".

 

I just feel like I can't do anything right here. I've been stonefaced to her and keeping LC as best I can. I haven't told her any of these feelings, but I daydream of it sometime. She seems hurt whenever she comes over. How is it that I STILL feel sympathy for her when she gives me the big puppy dog eyes? She acts so hurt by me moving out and not giving her friendship, but SHE CHOSE THAT.

 

I'm bent out of shape all over again.

[KennyD]

I want her to miss me. I want her to cry for me and beg to have me stay. I'm a complete moron for wanting this, because she wants the sparkly new attention that her new guy is giving her. I hate it, but I still have the territorial drive kicking in making me want her more than ever. I'm incredibly attracted to her, post-breakup even more so. That makes it really tough when she comes over because all I can think is "wow she looks really pretty".

 

 

Trust me, I am in the same boat. I want her to miss me, I want her to stop by my house and beg me to take her back....I want her more than ever, 8 months have passed and I have to just accept things are out of my hands.

 

You too, have to accept...its out of your hands. As much as you would want her to do this....you can't make her-- she's already made up her mind. Don't stress, one day she will look back and regret-- and that's payback enough.