I am the one leaving - yet I am so broken over it!

[cowgirltuff]

Hello,

 

I have a question for you all - is it normal to be the one seeking the divorce and feel as much heart ache as though you are the one being 'dumped'?

 

I am the one leaving - yet I am so hurt and angry that this is where it has all lead to. 6 years of my life, gone. The only good thing from those years are my 3 beautiful children.

 

My husband doesn't know it yet, but I will be leaving the week of the 13th. I wanted our marriage to work more than anything, I have tried everything to make it work - I have changed who I am in effort to match who he is, I have saught God and tried to encouarge him to do so also (which he wouldn't) I tried to get him to go to MC with me, he wouldn't.

 

Fact is, I have been in a abusive relationship with him since day one. And I have finally woken up to that fact - the fact that I find myself afraid of him, to ask him a question or to ask him to grab ketchup while he is already in the store for other things (long story, but bottom line is I was terrified to ask him to do that because I knew he was going to get mad at me.) I am tired of having anxiety attacks after I go grocery shopping because I am afraid he's going to get angry with the amont I spent.

He tells me "With fear comes respect." Not in a marriage it doesn't!

 

I am so ready for change, I am so ready to be alone and not live in such fear every day of my life. There aren't any good memories, or very few at most. Which is very sad to me considering we have spent so much time together. There isn't a single holiday that has ever been good with him, the births of our children, the pregnancies, hell even our wedding he managed to ruin because of his attitude and his lack of love for me.

 

Fact is, I have found that I am just unpaid help to him. I have stopped my life completely in order to be "mom" to his 4 children and our 3 together, which would have been fine...but he lives as though he doesn't have any children at all. I feel like they all are mine not his by the way I am teated and how he is never there. I am the one doing their home work with them, giving them baths, putting them to bed, reading stories, taking them everywhere, going to school, picking them up/dropping them off, buying them the things they need, getting them clothes/birthday/christmas/easter gifts. I am the one doing it all, while he is no where to be found. I don't get a "Thank you" or any sign that he even is greatful for all I do. Instead I get in "trouble" for not unloading the dishwasher for the 3rd time that day (house hold of 9 people = a lot of dishes), I am a very clean person and with 7 children to manage on my own and a house to keep up... I will be the first to admit, some things just don't get done right when I want them to. I am only one person though and I am being run so thin! I am the one up most of the night with our 11 month old son who is yet to sleep though the night, I am the one up first thing in the morning with all of our children... and he doesn't even blink an eye to it. He thinks what I do is just a piece of cake, that I should be "thankful" to be home doing what I do. I do love being a SAHM, but it is hard work to do by yourself all of the time with never so much as a "thank you" from him. I feel he should be atleast helping somewhat, atleast with the children HE brought to the marriage.

 

I am an object to him. I am nothing more than an unpaid maid, house keeper and nanny. And yet here I am hurting because all I wanted was to be loved, to be shown love and he has never done it. I want this divorce, yet my heart is aching over it all. I cried myself to sleep last night.

I feel like I am grieving what never was. Everything that I had hoped for in a marriage has never been, and I am having to let go of all those hopes and dreams and it feels awful!

 

I have been so mistreated throughout these years, I find it hard to believe that this isn't just how men are. I know that isn't the case, that there must be good men out there. I hope one day, way down the road from now, I will find one who will show me what a real man is. Until then though, I have to admit I have little faith in men right now.

 

I know I am not perfect and I have screwed things up at times - fact is though, I loved him and was trying everything in my power to be a good wife and mother (to all of our children), he has shown me though that I will never be good enough. Acceptance is huge for me, and I am tired of never messuring up.

 

Anyway, sorry I know this was long and thank you if you actually made it this far! I just need to know that the hurting wont last forever!

[RachieG]

You know there a proper organisations and charities out there that can help you right? I know half of what you are going through, except we don't have children so I can only imagine how hard it is for you. You are being so brave though.

[GreenPolicy]

You're torn up because emotionally you're the dumpee even if you're technically the dumper. Good luck to you.

[cowgirltuff]

You know there a proper organisations and charities out there that can help you right? I know half of what you are going through, except we don't have children so I can only imagine how hard it is for you. You are being so brave though.

 

Yeah I know. I hate the thought of crying "abuse", I know there are so many women out there worse off than I am.

And plus, he doesn't see anything wrong with how he treats me and if I claim abuse, he will make things so much worse throughout and after the divorce. Abuse has to be extreamly bad for a judge to decide the "abuser" is an unfit parent - which is insane to me, but anyway! He would make life hell for me though our children and I don't want that for them.

 

I want out as quietly and peacfully as possible, I want to co-parent with him for the sake of the kids, and I want them to be as untouched by this as much as possible. Because no matter how he treats me, they adore him.