What I was spared, not what I lost, dating somebody with low self esteem and baggage

[GreenPolicy]

I feel like what is helping me partially these days is focusing more on what I was spared had I continued on with my ex than pining for what I lost. I'm coming up on five months post breakup and I can tell I'm making progress because I don't feel the need to tell my story to EVERY SINGLE PERSON I come across.

 

I can't get inside my ex's head, so I'll never know for sure with 100 percent certainty what she was thinking and feeling and her thought process when dumping me. If you want to read my backstory, you can here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253770/

 

 

To make a long story short, a very common theme emerged in the feedback I got from talking to people about the b/u: To sum up, my ex has some kind of emotional baggage and issues that she's never dealt with properly. We could spend all day speculating as to exactly what those issues are, but all it would be is speculation. In the end, because of these issues, she has a habit of sabotaging her romantic relationships. I overlooked some red flags in order to be with her.

 

I tell myself that maybe she could have stuck things out for another week, another month, another year, maybe we would have made it to the altar, but one of three things would have happened: being left at the alter or her calling things off before the ceremony, getting a divorce, or being stuck in a marriage with her.

 

Here is what I need help with. The first two scenarios I can understand and visualize in a vivid way. But it's that third scenario, being stuck in a marriage with a person with low self-esteem and some serious intimacy/abandonment issues she's never dealt with. I've heard it said that dealing with people with low self esteem is no picnic. Can somebody here tell me what a marriage with my ex would have looked like if we hadn't gotten divorced? Or since none of you know her personally, what it's like to be married to somebody who has low self esteem, doesn't share her feelings, has baggage that she doesn't deal with, etc. I keep trying to tell myself that the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, growing old happy together, she could not have provided that for me, and it's a powerful fantasy to think that she could because of how wonderful our relationship felt up until she ended it.

 

I guess what I'm looking for here is for somebody to tell me what it's like to be stuck in a marriage with a person like this, where if you don't get divorced, you stay together for the sake of kids or the financial implications of being divorced. I was talking to my best friend and his wife the other day. They have been together for 10 years, married for 9. They have three kids, a 4 year old girl and two 1-year-old twin boys. They said that up until they had kids, their relationship never felt like work. Now it does, but they still love each other deeply and they make it work.

 

When I tell people my story, they almost always say that my ex is bad marriage material, but I'm having trouble figuring out exactly what that means, maybe because I'm still holding onto the fantasy and mistakenly thinking that what would have followed would have been as great as the honeymoon courtship we had.

[brneyedgrl]

Great post GreenPolicy! I don't have an answer for you but I do feel like whatever answers you receive could help me as well.

 

I moved out of our place exactly 1 month ago after he ended our 6 year relationship, and kept NC since then. We were close to engagement and things seemed great up until a couple months prior to the actual b/u (December).

 

He has been diagnosed with depression however, he seems to have a love/hate relationship with the medication he's on, therefore continuously having great highs but even lower lows.

 

I keep reminding myself that as great a person as he was and as good as were were when he was "normal", in the long run it wouldn't have worked or would have been detrimental to MY heath. Keeping this in mind has been helpful but first-hand experiences would also be great to read!

[GreenPolicy]

Great post GreenPolicy! I don't have an answer for you but I do feel like whatever answers you receive could help me as well.

 

I moved out of our place exactly 1 month ago after he ended our 6 year relationship, and kept NC since then. We were close to engagement and things seemed great up until a couple months prior to the actual b/u (December).

 

He has been diagnosed with depression however, he seems to have a love/hate relationship with the medication he's on, therefore continuously having great highs but even lower lows.

 

I keep reminding myself that as great a person as he was and as good as were were when he was "normal", in the long run it wouldn't have worked or would have been detrimental to MY heath. Keeping this in mind has been helpful but first-hand experiences would also be great to read!

 

It's just messed up when somebody leaves you at the height of intimacy and bonding, as opposed to a r/l deteriorating and then ending. I've had breakups before, but dealing with a walkaway spouse...it's just hard putting into words what it feels like. Going from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in a short space of time. Your ex treating you as a non-entity.

 

There are so many things she told me when we were together that she could not have faked. It's a battle between my rational mind to move on and my heart and ego that has endured a deep psychic wound.

[wmrjw82]

It's just messed up when somebody leaves you at the height of intimacy and bonding, as opposed to a r/l deteriorating and then ending. I've had breakups before, but dealing with a walkaway spouse...it's just hard putting into words what it feels like. Going from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in a short space of time. Your ex treating you as a non-entity.

 

There are so many things she told me when we were together that she could not have faked. It's a battle between my rational mind to move on and my heart and ego that has endured a deep psychic wound.

 

I know exactly what you mean here. You put it into words better than I could have. My ex dumped me right before our 6 mo anniversary, the day after my birthday, OVER FACEBOOK. I have a 12 mo year old son, and we had moved into her house just one month earlier. She built this great nursery for him, spent quality time w/ him, she was really great to both of us.

 

There were no signs. A little after New Years she just started becoming distant and said she needed space. She later admitted she just wasn't ready for a family and found herself interested in someone else. Great timing on her part. She did have baggage though. A previous marriage which only lasted a year, mood disorder, borderline alcoholic... things I all looked past because I wanted to be the "savior". Didn't end up that way.

 

I'm currently on 32 days of NC since moving out and i'm struggling to say the least. It seems to get worse as the days go by.

Edited March 3, 2011 by wmrjw82

[GreenPolicy]

I know exactly what you mean here. You put it into words better than I could have. My ex dumped me right before our 6 mo anniversary, the day after my birthday, OVER FACEBOOK. I have a 12 mo year old son, and we had moved into her house just one month earlier. She built this great nursery for him, spent quality time w/ him, she was really great to both of us.

 

There were no signs.

 

I'm currently on 32 days of NC since moving out and i'm struggling to say the least. It seems to get worse as the days go by.

 

Sounds like your ex has intimacy/commitment issues like mine does. A month after moving in she wants out? Seems like if she wasn't sure about the long-term viability of the r/l then she would have popped the brakes on that.

 

But I've learned that's what CPs do: they come on strong and in a way they burn themselves out. One thing that has helped me is realizing that I probably got the best of what she has to offer another person. The first 10.5 months we were together the intensity and passion was pretty much the same as the day we agreed to date exclusively. The last month as I began to firm up plans to formally propose and we took steps moving towards that, something seemed off a little bit. It wasn't like a normal relationship where we were fighting, completely drifted apart, she completely shut down. I would characterize the last month we were together as good instead of completely f*cking awesome like the first 10.5 months. I realize now she was in that last month struggling to stay in the r/l and preparing a dash for the exits.

[wmrjw82]

One thing that has helped me is realizing that I probably got the best of what she has to offer another person.

 

I like that alot. I will try to keep that in mind.

 

I, too, am starting to believe she was a CP. The red flags were there but I chose to ignore them. How she was only married for 1 year. That ended 3 years ago and she's never had a relationship longer than ours since. (6 months). The longest relationship she ever had was 2 years in high school.

 

Looking back I suppose I could nitpick or point out alot of things about this girl that were bad for me but like you said, the intensity and passion in our relationship were AMAZING. I couldn't pass it up. And now i'm paying for it.

 

If I learn one thing...

 

one little tiny thing...

 

from THIS breakup....

 

That is to TAKE IT SLOW.

 

I dont care how much the next one tells me she loves me and wants to be with me...I NEED to put on the brakes. Not only for myself, but for my son. He is 14 months old now and he will come to know the next girl in my life. If I dont take it slow and create a foundation for the relationship then it will crash and burn just like this one did. And next time I wont be the only one who is paying for it....he will.

 

That is something i'm simply not willing to risk.

 

I miss and think about my ex everyday and 32 days into NC it just seems to be getting harder for me. Why can't love just be simple?

[GreenPolicy]

Short-term relationships where she is invariably the dumper? That's a hallmark CP. What do you know of her childhood? Relationship with her father? Mine was abandoned by her biological father before she was even born. Her mom remarried at five and she was raised by her stepdad, but it wasn't exactly a happy home life.

 

What about your girl's self-esteem? Did she deflect or refuse compliments? Not accept them? Mine was gorgeous, but whenever I told her how pretty she was, she'd say things like "I don't feel pretty." Insecure people with abandonment and intimacy issues tend to leave relationships first before they can be left.

 

I had a counseling appointment today and we actually talked about what a marriage with my girl would have been like. People like my ex eventually stop working on relationships and end up exclusively in the taker role. The healthiest relationships feature the two partners switching the giver and taker roles as circumstances dictate. People with low self esteem don't put in the necessary work and eventually treat their partners the way they treat themselves: poorly. I would have eventually grown to resent always being in the giver role. It's not that my ex didn't love me. She loved me as much as she's loved anybody in a romantic relationship. Part of love though is giving it through actions, and people like her struggle with that.

 

Some people just don't have it within them to accept love and give it back. So they eventually struggle, fold and hurt their partner. They feel themselves binding to their partner and it freaks them out so they bail.

 

Check out the book "He's Scared, She's Scared" for more insight. It won't bring her back, but you'll understand what happened better.

 

Things will get better. Your heart will start catching up to your head.

[wmrjw82]

What about your girl's self-esteem? Did she deflect or refuse compliments? Not accept them? Mine was gorgeous, but whenever I told her how pretty she was, she'd say things like "I don't feel pretty." Insecure people with abandonment and intimacy issues tend to leave relationships first before they can be left.

 

Yep. She did this ALL THE TIME. Couldn't take a compliment for anything. As far as her childhood goes her parents are still married after 30+ years. Seems pretty normal, but then again she never went into real depth about her parents relationship. Ya never really know...

 

I might check out that book sometime. Thanks.

[cj2]

Short-term relationships where she is invariably the dumper? That's a hallmark CP. What do you know of her childhood? Relationship with her father? Mine was abandoned by her biological father before she was even born. Her mom remarried at five and she was raised by her stepdad, but it wasn't exactly a happy home life.

 

What about your girl's self-esteem? Did she deflect or refuse compliments? Not accept them? Mine was gorgeous, but whenever I told her how pretty she was, she'd say things like "I don't feel pretty." Insecure people with abandonment and intimacy issues tend to leave relationships first before they can be left.

 

I had a counseling appointment today and we actually talked about what a marriage with my girl would have been like. People like my ex eventually stop working on relationships and end up exclusively in the taker role. The healthiest relationships feature the two partners switching the giver and taker roles as circumstances dictate. People with low self esteem don't put in the necessary work and eventually treat their partners the way they treat themselves: poorly. I would have eventually grown to resent always being in the giver role. It's not that my ex didn't love me. She loved me as much as she's loved anybody in a romantic relationship. Part of love though is giving it through actions, and people like her struggle with that.

 

Some people just don't have it within them to accept love and give it back. So they eventually struggle, fold and hurt their partner. They feel themselves binding to their partner and it freaks them out so they bail.

 

Check out the book "He's Scared, She's Scared" for more insight. It won't bring her back, but you'll understand what happened better.

 

Things will get better. Your heart will start catching up to your head.

 

I can't tell you what marriage would have been like for the two of you, but having spent 3 years in a relationship with a CP with low self esteem I can validate some of the things you said above.

 

First some background, my story is here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t256576/

 

My ex was definately a CP, we originally broke-up after just one year, one month after we had gone to Australia to travel together. One day she just turned round out of the blue, told me she still loved her ex, felt really confused and was splitting up with me, right at what I thought was the height of our relationship. I came home, because the living situation we were in was pretty much untolerable. Then as you'll see in my story, we got back together and had another 2 years.

 

For a CP, 3 years in total was a long time I think. This was by far her longest relationship ever. Typically she had been in and out of 6 month to 1 year relationship for the past 10 years. I got everything she had to give at this time in her life, no question.

 

Back to the point, low self esteem is draining. The compliment deflection you raised above surfaced all the time. Honestly this girl was gorgeous, 5ft10, 9 stone, simply stunning figure and got so much male (and female) attention. But everytime we went out, it would take an hour for her to chose what to wear, because everything made her look "fat", or "ugly". When we were out if someone looked at her the typical conversation went "is there something on my face?", "no they are looking at you because you're pretty", "don't be so ridculous I'm hideous".. There were even occasions when she caught her reflection in a shop window and made us go home, because she didn't like the way she looked.

 

But it manifested itself in far more ways than that. There was a 3 month battle to help her find a full time job. Every little set back was because she "was just average", "wasn't good enough" etc. I taught her to drive, but again it was just a battle, at first she would freeze at the wheel and break down and cry because she didn't think she could do it. There was a same over her alcohol issues, studying, I could go on and on.

 

I may sound like an arse the way I am talking, but I wasn't. I was so supportive, always there, always believing in her, always giving. It just wears you down after a while though, because no matter how much you support them, no matter how you believe, no matter how much they actually acheive as a result, you never actually get through to them, never!

 

I was always the giver, never the taker. After a while, its not just seen as a nice thing that you give so readily, it becomes expected of you and that creates a weight over your shoulders. It was getting to a point where I felt like I was neglecting myself, because so much time had become entangled with her problems, her issues. Your life gets put on the backburner. When we split up, she said she had fallen out of love with me because I wasn't the carefree guy she met 3 years ago, well there wasn't anyway I could be really!

 

I also think that a break-up with someone with low self esteem is tough no matter when it ends. Like you, we had really, really good times, but after giving so much, putting so much of yourself in, for them to just turnaround and walk away at the first sign of trouble, it's really hard to deal with.

 

Finally though have a read of this post I made last week, I think this just sums up the sort of **** that is possible with these people:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t266854/

 

Trust me, you got out at the right time..

[GreenPolicy]

Thanks for your story cj2. It's such a battle between learning to trust your brain and disregard what your heart is telling you. After all this, if she came back today and said sorry/I want to try again, and agreed to go to counseling to work on her issues, I'd probably be inclined to give her another chance...even though a second chance would be extremely problematic in the sense that I'd never feel confident about the relationship or its future. It's hard letting go and accepting just how f*cked the whole thing is. I spent way too much time trying to emotionally reconcile how she could walk away from a loving relationship without any drama that was stable and well-grounded, and I finally realized I can't.

 

I'm trying to change my focus and the subject of this thread suggests. It's tough though.

[GreenPolicy]

Another thing I've been doing is trying to find a positive counterpoint to every negative thought or feeling that comes up when I think of my ex. For instance, lately it has really been wearing on me that the final chapter between the two of us has been written. So when I think about the fact that we'll likely never reconcile, I tell myself that I will replace her. When I think about the fact that I'll never receive any kind of validation from her on what I meant and what our relationship meant, I tell myself that I get validation from myself and not to base my self-worth on what she thinks. When I tell myself that I will likely never get an apology and she won't reach out to express regret or contrition over how she hurt me, I tell myself that I will forgive her so that's not necessary for my healing.

[cj2]

Another thing I've been doing is trying to find a positive counterpoint to every negative thought or feeling that comes up when I think of my ex. For instance, lately it has really been wearing on me that the final chapter between the two of us has been written. So when I think about the fact that we'll likely never reconcile, I tell myself that I will replace her. When I think about the fact that I'll never receive any kind of validation from her on what I meant and what our relationship meant, I tell myself that I get validation from myself and not to base my self-worth on what she thinks. When I tell myself that I will likely never get an apology and she won't reach out to express regret or contrition over how she hurt me, I tell myself that I will forgive her so that's not necessary for my healing.

 

I think that's a really positive mindset. It is tough with these types of people, both times we split I was blindsided. The second time maybe less so, because I think I had realised in the few weeks prior that she was detaching a little. But I didn't realise quite to what extent till the day itself came. I think it said in "He's scared She's scared" that a CP won't talk about relationship issues, rather they will just save them up so they can use them as a get out clause. I think that happened in my case to a certain extent, but it leaves the dumpee a little shellshocked.

 

It's taken me until finding out the stuff in that link last week to really start to let go. It is difficult, despite how hard it was at times to support her self esteem, to get over it when you did have so many good times, when they reel you in by making you out to be something truly special to them, when the reality is that there is a lot more going on under the surface..

[GreenPolicy]

I think that's a really positive mindset. It is tough with these types of people, both times we split I was blindsided. The second time maybe less so, because I think I had realised in the few weeks prior that she was detaching a little. But I didn't realise quite to what extent till the day itself came. I think it said in "He's scared She's scared" that a CP won't talk about relationship issues, rather they will just save them up so they can use them as a get out clause. I think that happened in my case to a certain extent, but it leaves the dumpee a little shellshocked.

 

It's taken me until finding out the stuff in that link last week to really start to let go. It is difficult, despite how hard it was at times to support her self esteem, to get over it when you did have so many good times, when they reel you in by making you out to be something truly special to them, when the reality is that there is a lot more going on under the surface..

 

The last month we were together, looking back I can see things were a little off, but they seemed like ordinary relationship issues and I was truly blindsided. A couple times we hung out she was irritable, but who isn't from time to time? A couple of times we hung out she was kind of distant, but who isn't distracted from time to time? I know I am. She made some very weird comments a few weeks before we broke up about wanting to be in heaven now, wanting Jesus to come back, etc. That's an alarming thing to say but I tried not to think about it too much at the time.

 

And it's funny what you say about storing up relationship issues and reeling you in by making you feel so special. She NEVER expressed any dissatisfaction with me or the r/l. The feedback I got until the day she left was 100 percent positive. She used to say things like "With the other guys I've dated, I'd get irritated or bored with them after a few months, but you're just so different. There's no drama with you, you don't get on my nerves like the other guys do. Everything is just so much easier with you. You're just different from anybody I've ever dated." She did things with me that were unprecedented. Met her real dad, something she'd never done before. Told her parents I was The One. Now I'm realizing that there was so much going on underneath the surface that I was never aware of. But how could I have been aware of it? She kept it well hidden.

[bl22]

GreenPolicy,

 

I find our situations pretty simarlar, i know my ex had issues deep down that I tried to help her overcome. She has low self esteem despite being drop dead gorgeous also. With your new found understanding on the situation, are you ever tempted to contact her just to say you understand?

 

Whats your views on the contact perspective? Do you think you will hear from her ever again? i find it quite hard to come to terms with that part. Being sooo close to someone for 2 years then never ever speaking to them or seeing them again. I dont know about you but every ex ive been with has come back sooner or later, and shes the first person ive truly loved with all my heart. It hurts to think Im going to live the rest of my life as though she never even existed.

[cj2]

The last month we were together, looking back I can see things were a little off, but they seemed like ordinary relationship issues and I was truly blindsided. A couple times we hung out she was irritable, but who isn't from time to time? A couple of times we hung out she was kind of distant, but who isn't distracted from time to time? I know I am. She made some very weird comments a few weeks before we broke up about wanting to be in heaven now, wanting Jesus to come back, etc. That's an alarming thing to say but I tried not to think about it too much at the time.

 

And it's funny what you say about storing up relationship issues and reeling you in by making you feel so special. She NEVER expressed any dissatisfaction with me or the r/l. The feedback I got until the day she left was 100 percent positive. She used to say things like "With the other guys I've dated, I'd get irritated or bored with them after a few months, but you're just so different. There's no drama with you, you don't get on my nerves like the other guys do. Everything is just so much easier with you. You're just different from anybody I've ever dated." She did things with me that were unprecedented. Met her real dad, something she'd never done before. Told her parents I was The One. Now I'm realizing that there was so much going on underneath the surface that I was never aware of. But how could I have been aware of it? She kept it well hidden.

 

Those sound so familiar it's almost eerie. I had "usually I'm bored out of my brains after six months, but you are so different", there was the whole "I want to marry you", "I want your babies" etc etc. Comments about how our chance meeting must have been "meant to be", or the favourite over the last few months of it all was "I can't remember what the time was like before you were in my life".

 

I mean we had some issues, but like you say, stuff that I thought was just normal relationship issues, that were dealt with and knocked on the head. Maybe even the odd little comment that signalled detachment. But when it's mixed in with all those other things, you just think nothing of it.

[GreenPolicy]

GreenPolicy,

 

I find our situations pretty simarlar, i know my ex had issues deep down that I tried to help her overcome. She has low self esteem despite being drop dead gorgeous also. With your new found understanding on the situation, are you ever tempted to contact her just to say you understand?

 

NO. Anything I know to be true is beyond her realm of thinking and feeling. How would that come across to her: "So you're telling me that I'm mental for dumping you?" That's how she'd take it. Either that or deep down she'd recognize the truth of what I was saying and resent me anyways for confronting her with it.

 

I don't think it's blame-shifting at all to describe her as a walkaway partner/spouse. I own 100 percent of my 50 percent of the relationship. This isn't on me that up until the day she walked out she led me to believe that we had a long and happy life together ahead of us, and she never brought up any problems she had.

 

Whats your views on the contact perspective? Do you think you will hear from her ever again?

 

I don't know what the future holds. But the only way I can move on is to not expect anything more from her.

 

i find it quite hard to come to terms with that part. Being sooo close to someone for 2 years then never ever speaking to them or seeing them again. I dont know about you but every ex ive been with has come back sooner or later, and shes the first person ive truly loved with all my heart. It hurts to think Im going to live the rest of my life as though she never even existed.

 

I do too. All of my other dating situations, I can point to something I own, what I contributed to the demise of the relationship. I'm not perfect. Nobody does right by their partner 100 percent of the time. What mistakes I may have made, the times I might have gotten on her nerves, all honest mistakes. Nothing that to a rational or logical person would be deal-breakers. But you have to move on as best as you can. I've spent too much time clinging to the wreckage of this relationship instead of seeking shelter. There is nothing I can do to bring her back. I can only do things that will push her further away. I shouldn't want her back anyways until she properly deals with her intimacy issues.

Edited March 4, 2011 by GreenPolicy

[wmrjw82]

This is an email my ex wrote me on November 10th (roughly 2 months before she broke up with me) The disease she is speaking about is endometriosis.

 

Hey baby! it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I also realized that sometimes it's easier to write how I feel then tell you. First off, i want to say that I love you soooo much. You are so sweet and funny and handsome and you're my favorite! LOL But I also want us to discuss my disease a little more. I am so impressed that you took it upon yourself to read up on it and become more familiar with it. I also love that you are making suggestions and trying to get involved in me feeling better. I did a little reading tonight on how I can help you. i think i am just a little scared because my diease was one reason that my marriage went down in flames. I want this relationship to work and so i want to help you help me.

 

This disease is hard for people to understand because it is not visible and pain and fatigue are relative. All you can do is trust the fact that i am in pain, i am nauseous, and I am soooo fatigued. People like me have a hard time performing in school, at work, and in relationships. I will get every sickness that goes around town because my immune system is comprimised. I will need more sleep then a normal person. I will need to take naps often. I will get cranky and even mean when i am in pain and fatigued. it will be hard for me to get out of bed some days. It will be hard for me to do anything more than take a shower some days. I will make plans that often I can't complete. I will make promises that I sometimes can't keep. I will frustrate and anger you because I will always be frustrated and angry. I will get depressed and blame myself for this and have days where I just need you to remind me that it's not me... it's the disease. This is a chronic and possible lifelong disease and we both need to understand that some days, the disease will win. What I want from you is that we both fight to make sure the disease does not win over our relationship.

 

Furthermore, I've been wanting to tell you something that I don't want you to take the wrong way. I want you to know that I want a child more than anything in the world. It has been my only real aspiration since I was 2 or 3 years old. I know we aren't for sure that I can't have kids, but it is very likely that I can't. The mere thought of that is agonizing and depressing for me. It makes me sick every holiday being around all my cousins and siblings and their new babies and perfect families. I hate that I feel that way, but I get jealous in way, angry in another, and anxious that I may never have that. I love (my son) and love having him in my life. But please realize that sometimes it's hard for me. You are a wonderful father and I wish so much that you could be a father to my children. But also understand that as (my son) gets older and we continue to experience all these "firsts" in his life, that it is very bittersweet for me. Again, I hate that it makes me feel this way, but I get depressed everytime thinking that I may never have a child to share those things with. It's just not the same when it's someone else's child. Don't get me wrong that I love my role in his life, but know that especially for a woman, that it's very very different when it is not your own. I also think that if I didn't have this disease, that this really wouldn't be as big of a problem. Cause with the disease, it's almost like a sick joke or an evil taunt that someone like (my baby's mother) can get pregnant in a week and someone like me may never ever ever get pregnant. Again don't think this is bad, just know I am very emotional as a result and may need some extra lovies everytime we go through something with (my son). All I want is a hug or a kiss or a smile that acknowledges that you know what I may be feeling.

 

Well I love you and your son and can't imagine life without you! Thank you for everything you do! We can talk about this more this weekend. I just wanted to write it all out Love you love you!

----------------

We moved in together on December 1st and she kicked us both out (well technically I decided to leave when she dumped me over facebook) on Jan 14th. Her reasoning, and I quote, "I just wasn't happy. I just wasn't ready for a family and all that. I found myself interested in someone else, dont worry nothing has happened and probably wont but I didn't think I should be wondering about someone else if I were with you"

 

Took me 2 weeks to move out all my stuff.

 

The reason I brought this out is because I wanted to highlight the parts in bold that I believe some of you are discussing. Do you think this is classic signs of a CP? I mean, to say this kind of stuff only 2 months prior to dumping me? It just doesn't make any sense and it hurts me deeply.

 

I'm currently on 33 days of NC and didn't respond on Feb 9th (the one time she's txt'd me since I left)...

 

Just wanted someone input from you guys...

[Rap17]

The last month we were together, looking back I can see things were a little off, but they seemed like ordinary relationship issues and I was truly blindsided. A couple times we hung out she was irritable, but who isn't from time to time? A couple of times we hung out she was kind of distant, but who isn't distracted from time to time? I know I am. She made some very weird comments a few weeks before we broke up about wanting to be in heaven now, wanting Jesus to come back, etc. That's an alarming thing to say but I tried not to think about it too much at the time.

 

And it's funny what you say about storing up relationship issues and reeling you in by making you feel so special. She NEVER expressed any dissatisfaction with me or the r/l. The feedback I got until the day she left was 100 percent positive. She used to say things like "With the other guys I've dated, I'd get irritated or bored with them after a few months, but you're just so different. There's no drama with you, you don't get on my nerves like the other guys do. Everything is just so much easier with you. You're just different from anybody I've ever dated." She did things with me that were unprecedented. Met her real dad, something she'd never done before. Told her parents I was The One. Now I'm realizing that there was so much going on underneath the surface that I was never aware of. But how could I have been aware of it? She kept it well hidden.

 

 

This is EXACTLY what happened in my relationship with my ex. I knew she had low self esteem and had issues stemming from her past. Shes gorgeous, and I would tell her this time and time again, and how special she was. She never really believed me, would always brush it off like she didnt really believe me. For a long time I thought she was just being modest, but in the last months of our relationship I found out she wasnt. Then the distancing began, I had stress and she began to feel like I didnt appreciate her enough, since the sex became less frequent. I simply didnt have the energy at the time. But I still was very intimate and caring with her, and still told her how much I loved her and how beautiful she was. Sure, I own up to my own faults in the relationship, but I never thought that we had bigger problems than the usual issues that can arise in a relationship, and that we could easily overcome the problems that did occur.

 

I too was blindsided, and also she cheated on me before I realised what was going on. She began being distant once in a while the last month of the relationship, I didnt even think it was that bad. She was stressed too, had exams and stuff. Exactly like you describe it Green. I too was completely blindsided by the breakup. Issues yes, but not worse than they could easily be fixed, just had to finish exams and get back to a normal, less straining schedule. Then bam, she wanted a break which lasted a week, then we reconciled for two weeks, then she broke up with me.

 

If you look through my posts I started a monster thread in the breakup forum, and I dont expect you guys to read it, its over 200 posts long. But the way you described your ex, the profile matches my ex exactly. Even down to the "Youre different than the other guys Ive met, things are so easy with you, you understand me so well blah blah". Then two weeks after she broke up with me and we had a talk, I was trying to win her back. Thats where she suddenly told me that "Youre different than the guys I usually wanted to hook up with", but this time like I didnt match her criteria.

 

You guys have no idea how much this thread is helping my healing along. Thank you.

[kris-26]

I totally went through the same thing. It is very difficult to date someone with emotionally issues and low self esteem. You give them 200% and they are just takers and never able to be truely happy. And when you finally let go to move on, its so simple for them b/c they are so unfeeling, you are left to pick up the pieces. I feel your pain.

[Rap17]

Btw, just wanted to add. She was in a 4 year relationship before me. They had issues after two years, where they had a break, then got back together. Then broke up two years after that. Then I hooked up with her after awhile. During the talk I mentioned she insinuated that she still loved me, despite what she told me during the breakup, and I could tell that she was still attracted to me from how she behaved. But then she said it was too late to go back, she was afraid the same thing would happen after another 1½ years, the cheating and her not feeling appreciated. I was dumbfounded by this to say the least. In my mind, how could the same issues come up again if we worked to overcome those issues together? We were a couple for 1 year and 9 months btw.

 

Dont want to hijack your thread Green, I just wasnt able to edit my original post and add this in time, so appologies

[GreenPolicy]

Btw, just wanted to add. She was in a 4 year relationship before me. They had issues after two years, where they had a break, then got back together. Then broke up two years after that. Then I hooked up with her after awhile. During the talk I mentioned she insinuated that she still loved me, despite what she told me during the breakup, and I could tell that she was still attracted to me from how she behaved. But then she said it was too late to go back, she was afraid the same thing would happen after another 1½ years, the cheating and her not feeling appreciated. I was dumbfounded by this to say the least. In my mind, how could the same issues come up again if we worked to overcome those issues together? We were a couple for 1 year and 9 months btw.

 

Dont want to hijack your thread Green, I just wasnt able to edit my original post and add this in time, so appologies

 

You're not hijacking. My ex told me she still loved me and I was everything she had ever wanted in a man, but she couldn't get married. So f*cked up. Didn't seem like the usual "You're a great guy, but..." let you down gently stuff women sometimes say.

 

I read somewhere that most people have that one breakup, that one relationship, that they never completely heal from. They get to 95 percent healed, 98 percent healed, they learn to live with that tiny ache that remains and don't let it from them living their lives fully in the present, it doesn't prevent you from loving again, but it is sh*t you carry with you for the rest of your lives. Sometimes we don't ever let go 100 percent, but we let go enough, if that makes sense.

[usagi]

This thread is really helpful emotionally for me. I find myself agreeing with every sentiment and action of GP. Thanks guys for sharing as it's helping me too.

 

Last night I saw my ex in a bar with her new man; I've been single ever since the break up 1 year ago, and I didn't feel jealous or gutted...just kind of sad knowing she is just re walking the same steps with someone new who she'll probably hurt and push away too.

[GreenPolicy]

This is an email my ex wrote me on November 10th (roughly 2 months before she broke up with me) The disease she is speaking about is endometriosis.

 

Hey baby! it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I also realized that sometimes it's easier to write how I feel then tell you. First off, i want to say that I love you soooo much. You are so sweet and funny and handsome and you're my favorite! LOL But I also want us to discuss my disease a little more. I am so impressed that you took it upon yourself to read up on it and become more familiar with it. I also love that you are making suggestions and trying to get involved in me feeling better. I did a little reading tonight on how I can help you. i think i am just a little scared because my diease was one reason that my marriage went down in flames. I want this relationship to work and so i want to help you help me.

 

This disease is hard for people to understand because it is not visible and pain and fatigue are relative. All you can do is trust the fact that i am in pain, i am nauseous, and I am soooo fatigued. People like me have a hard time performing in school, at work, and in relationships. I will get every sickness that goes around town because my immune system is comprimised. I will need more sleep then a normal person. I will need to take naps often. I will get cranky and even mean when i am in pain and fatigued. it will be hard for me to get out of bed some days. It will be hard for me to do anything more than take a shower some days. I will make plans that often I can't complete. I will make promises that I sometimes can't keep. I will frustrate and anger you because I will always be frustrated and angry. I will get depressed and blame myself for this and have days where I just need you to remind me that it's not me... it's the disease. This is a chronic and possible lifelong disease and we both need to understand that some days, the disease will win. What I want from you is that we both fight to make sure the disease does not win over our relationship.

 

Furthermore, I've been wanting to tell you something that I don't want you to take the wrong way. I want you to know that I want a child more than anything in the world. It has been my only real aspiration since I was 2 or 3 years old. I know we aren't for sure that I can't have kids, but it is very likely that I can't. The mere thought of that is agonizing and depressing for me. It makes me sick every holiday being around all my cousins and siblings and their new babies and perfect families. I hate that I feel that way, but I get jealous in way, angry in another, and anxious that I may never have that. I love (my son) and love having him in my life. But please realize that sometimes it's hard for me. You are a wonderful father and I wish so much that you could be a father to my children. But also understand that as (my son) gets older and we continue to experience all these "firsts" in his life, that it is very bittersweet for me. Again, I hate that it makes me feel this way, but I get depressed everytime thinking that I may never have a child to share those things with. It's just not the same when it's someone else's child. Don't get me wrong that I love my role in his life, but know that especially for a woman, that it's very very different when it is not your own. I also think that if I didn't have this disease, that this really wouldn't be as big of a problem. Cause with the disease, it's almost like a sick joke or an evil taunt that someone like (my baby's mother) can get pregnant in a week and someone like me may never ever ever get pregnant. Again don't think this is bad, just know I am very emotional as a result and may need some extra lovies everytime we go through something with (my son). All I want is a hug or a kiss or a smile that acknowledges that you know what I may be feeling.

 

Well I love you and your son and can't imagine life without you! Thank you for everything you do! We can talk about this more this weekend. I just wanted to write it all out Love you love you!

----------------

We moved in together on December 1st and she kicked us both out (well technically I decided to leave when she dumped me over facebook) on Jan 14th. Her reasoning, and I quote, "I just wasn't happy. I just wasn't ready for a family and all that. I found myself interested in someone else, dont worry nothing has happened and probably wont but I didn't think I should be wondering about someone else if I were with you"

 

Took me 2 weeks to move out all my stuff.

 

The reason I brought this out is because I wanted to highlight the parts in bold that I believe some of you are discussing. Do you think this is classic signs of a CP? I mean, to say this kind of stuff only 2 months prior to dumping me? It just doesn't make any sense and it hurts me deeply.

 

I'm currently on 33 days of NC and didn't respond on Feb 9th (the one time she's txt'd me since I left)...

 

Just wanted someone input from you guys...

 

I choose not to, but I have all of our emails saved to a .pst file. If I wanted to, I could pull gushing emails from her and post them here from right before we broke up. I feel exactly the same way: it doesn't make sense and hurts deeply.

[Rap17]

You're not hijacking. My ex told me she still loved me and I was everything she had ever wanted in a man, but she couldn't get married. So f*cked up. Didn't seem like the usual "You're a great guy, but..." let you down gently stuff women sometimes say.

 

I read somewhere that most people have that one breakup, that one relationship, that they never completely heal from. They get to 95 percent healed, 98 percent healed, they learn to live with that tiny ache that remains and don't let it from them living their lives fully in the present, it doesn't prevent you from loving again, but it is sh*t you carry with you for the rest of your lives. Sometimes we don't ever let go 100 percent, but we let go enough, if that makes sense.

 

Yeah makes perfect sense. And I have a feeling that this past relationship is the one thats gonna haunt me forever, since Im now 4½ months removed from the breakup and Im still not over her.

[GreenPolicy]

Yeah makes perfect sense. And I have a feeling that this past relationship is the one thats gonna haunt me forever, since Im now 4½ months removed from the breakup and Im still not over her.

 

I don't look at this relationship with her as haunting me. I gave it 100 percent. I could not have done things any differently really to get a different result. It wasn't my choice to end things. I was never given any feedback other than "I want to be with you forever." I was doing my part to create a lasting relationship with her. I handled the aftermath with dignity and didn't do anything to push her away any further. I have no regrets.

 

I guess what I meant is that this will be the one relationship that was probably the toughest to get over, the one that created the most scars. But I will NOT let it defeat me! Defeat is not an option from this.