I've hit an emotional wall.

[hitbyatruck]

This is a bit rambly as I haven't posted for a while and need to get a bit out.

 

I've hit the wall.

 

After making quite a few positive changes to my life, this year I have become happier and physically and emotionally healthier than I have for a very long time. The problem is, my ex & mother of my 2 yo has noticed, is impressed, likes what she sees and has told me so - even mentioning that she is annoyed that I got my act together almost a year after we had broken up. (She cheated & left me for a mutual friend - see past threads) My happiness has meant that we have been getting on really well at drop off & pick up resulting in chatting for quite a while and occasionally actually talking about "us" and good times rather than the fairly terse exchanges that were commonplace last year.

 

We had been getting on so well and the communication, whilst mainly child related, had become so frequent that we had practically become friends again, so I said it had to stop as I had to protect myself from being hurt again. She agreed but I know not much will change.

 

I know she is still confused and not very happy. I recently asked her to sit down, be as honest to herself as she can be, and ask herself why our relationship has gone from estranged and bitter, to friendly and kind? She wouldn't answer except to say I am a nicer person now that I am happier. I think it is just too hard to face the fact that she has got herself into a situation that to get out of will require again causing pain - this time to Mr. Rebound - again. (she went back to him after our early attempt at a recon failed because neither of us were ready)

 

I am positive that she is not fully over me despite the fact that she is living with this guy, has told me during the recon attempt that she wants more kids but not with him, or any other man for that matter. I am positive that she has very deep feelings for me that she can't shake - she has tried to push them down but they keep resurfacing - I'm guilty of doing the same. I'm happy with myself and fairly happy living the single life aside from seeing my child much less, but with all the "bad love" stripped off all I'm left with is a feeling towards her that I had for most of our relationship - a very fundamental form of love that I can't even really categorize or describe. When our son was born this bond was strengthened, even if heaps of external and internal forces broke us down in the end.

 

I've come a long way since our breakup, and believe I have changed a lot, and for the better, but I feel that I can't fully move on until I am as sure as I can be that she has also moved on - more than just living with some guy, but actually feeling that way - and showing me so rather than reining me in when she sees me getting away. It's unfair but it gives me some insight into her mixed emotions. I did notice that when she recently suspected I was seeing other women she became angry and jealous. Her reaction spoke volumes. If there were no feelings she shouldn't have cared.

 

We both agree that things would be much easier if we hated each other, and we have both tried that and failed terribly. I feel like there is a kind of stalemate now where she knows something big is missing, but if she looks too deeply into her heart she will want her family back and there would again be collateral damage which she is afraid to cause plus she is afraid to lose the OM (who's benefits I suspect are diminishing). I want her to truly make up her mind and choose ALL of one man or ALL of the other, not take the bits and pieces that she fancies. I know OM must live in constant doubt, and fear that she may one day want to reunite our family. That can't be the recipe for a healthy relationship. I also know that she has to take the first step toward any attempt at reconciliation but I feel like I'm going to cave in, tell her my feelings and plead with her to sort her own out so I can be freed from this emotional limbo that I'm in.

 

I'm pretty clear headed these days but have had this situation on my mind almost constantly lately and it's obviously starting to get to me.

 

Phew, got it out!

 

Any and all opinions welcome.

 

Thanks.

[hitbyatruck]

Or to paraphrase:

 

We still love each other and the charade is getting harder and harder to perform each day.

 

Everything is up to her and totally out of my control.

[Rose T]

Hitbyatruck,

 

Thanks for this thread, it's good to hear your story although I'm sorry about all the confusion. I'm in a slightly similar situation although it's early days for me - my fiance cheated and left for the OW 3 months ago (who he still works with and I'm sure there are still feelings there) but is drawn to me now I'm healing.

 

Recently he was so impressed with me and I joked about how I was a much better person than the one he'd been with, and he said, I'd like to share my life with that person. We're now contemplating meeting up but I am hugely confused.

 

Anyway, my thread's on the second chances board.

 

What I have realised though about my ex, and which I'd just say to you, is that your ex is very different from you in terms of moral style and self discipline. They might sound like strange characteristics to pick on, but time and time again, when people cheat and let us down, even if they acknowledge they were weak and failed, there also seems to be a sense that "they can't change". They believe that. Maybe we should start listening too.

 

Your ex left your relationship, I imagine, rather than communicate her problems with you and your relationship, or fight for what you'd got. She also didn't have the imagination to see what you'd be like as a more centred, "nicer" person, off the emotional rollercoaster. Now that she sees it, she's surprised, even blames you for becoming "nicer", as if it were really your fault that she cheated and left. It's another aspect of her weakness and refusal to accept responsability for her actions.

 

It also speaks volumes about that fact that you got through the pain of the break-up, made a huge effort to pull yourself together and actually make yourself a better person, for the sake of your child and for your own self-respect. You have the capacity for change. You have the capacity for self-discipline and you have a strong set of beliefs in what is right and wrong. Does she?

 

She's drawn to you now, now when you're strong, but you also need to be able to have bad days. You need to be allowed to be vulnerable. Is she going to go off you again when she sees you crumble? Then she still has this OM in the picture, who she's also using in a pretty selfish way (don't worry about him, I'm sure he's MUCH more screwed up that you are )

 

All I'm seeing is, you're an incredibly strong and well adjusted person and because you have those qualities, you're ready to be strong for her as well, because you love her. But she needs to be stronger and more disciplined to make your relationship work again. At the moment she's cherry-picking the best of him and the best of you, and using your mutual fear to keep you both being nice to her.

 

I know you don't just want to step back and give up. I would just say, though, you need her to do something now. She needs to step away herself from the OM, show that she's capable of strength. I just fear that getting back together with a weak person would leave you vulnerable to repeat behaviour in the future.

[hitbyatruck]

It's getting weird now.

 

A typical day now is up to 20 texts each way between Ms. Ex and I. Communication is initiated by her most of the time. Instead of communication being 100% child focused, now a few texts turn to just friendly chatting. A phonecall can be up to half an hour with not all of it "business-like" as before. There is very subtle flirting going on; jokes & honest laughter. No aggression. Patience from both. No talking over each other as before. Listening. It doesn't really bother me too much, but I'm starting to feel like Ms. Ex is verging on emotionally cheating on her boyfriend with me now. I don't feel guilty in the slightest - I owe the OM nothing (well, a right hook maybe) but it is getting a bit strange now.

 

Ms. Ex knows full well that I will not be happy with being "just friends". You can't do that after a decade together given the circumstances of our breakup. I don't think "just friendship" is her intention and we recently agreed that it is wrong - so why do we keep communicating so often? Because I allow it? Maybe. I just don't want to play the 180 (or LC) game anymore. We actually like each other more now than we have for years, the problem is that she ran to a new R and remains there to this day, physically anyway. If this goes on much longer without her telling me her true feelings I'm going to have to ask her to be honest with me as it is holding me back and I'm going nowhere, but I'm afraid she will get defensive and put the wall up.

 

I know Ms. Ex as well as she knows herself and when she is not in protective mode, I can read her like a book. Something changed recently - her tone of voice, body language and attitude towards me seems to have softened a bit.

 

I'll just carry on and keep busy.

[hitbyatruck]

After ear-bashing friends & family for too long I have decided that they are biased and none have experienced anything similar to my situation. Some here have. It is your advice I would like.

 

Do I just wait what seems like an eternity to let the love die?

 

or......

 

Do I tell her I can't fully move on with a very strong suspicion that she still hasn't fully let go herself?

 

I have to choose one but I'm stuck between the two.

[hitbyatruck]

She and I joked recently that we would probably end up together in a couple of years. Its probably no joke. I don't know what to make of this either. I place more importance on the family unit than her but we both agree that we should never be together just for the sake of our child.

 

"Partially requited" love and mostly from a distance is no fun at all.

A lot of the time I feel like she has my heart held hostage.

I wouldn't wish this upon anybody.

 

Sometimes I think that she must feel like she has started something and can't get out of it. I'm sure she must think of the possibility of reconciling, but the work involved and pain that she would inflict on the guy she left me for is a big barrier. I actually think she loves two men in quite different ways.

 

The crazy thing is that her leaving me has made me a better man. More patient, generous, thoughtful. It took a long time.