Wow....big revelation

[loveforever]

My ex-husband is in a really f***ed up mood since yesterday....I say he's having his PMS days ....

 

We were having a little argument about something (silly) and I (also pms-ing) closed the door on him while he was still talking...

 

I went to cool off and came back and said sorry for what I did and he just said "It doesn't matter" without even looking at me.....

 

At first I was mad that he didn't say "It's ok" but then after I left I started freaking out.....

 

He's divorced me in January but asked me to stay and see how things work out since he does love me (confused ?!?! Read my story....)

 

Anyway....I wish for nothing more than for us to get back together and I am trying to do a 180 but I keep f***ing up (big time).....

 

Like today.....

 

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out thinking that I just ruined the last chance I had, over something petty.....

 

And it came to me.....I can't do this anymore....

 

I'm heartbroken.....

 

This way of living is impossible.....

 

I'm killing myself this way.....

 

I am going a full 180 now.....!!!!!!!!

 

This time not to get him back....not to make him see what good thing he has with me.....what he will be missing.....

 

This time to detach myself completely (as possible with 2 kids) from him......

 

I can't stand hoping for a change in him anymore.....

 

It's too hard.....it's hopeless !!!!!!

 

It's sad !!!!!!

 

But I'm going to do it......I have to.....

 

I realized how I'm destroying myself hoping for him to love me again....

 

Every time he acts weird (and if it's only because he's tired from work) I think "OMG, I've done something wrong"......then I start nagging "What's wrong, what did I do ???".....then he get's annoyed because there is nothing wrong and I get stupid and make little remarks about possible gf's....

 

Every time he acts weird I grab a bar of chocolate or candy......I've lost weight so well and am jeopardizing the results with this...

 

I've neglected going to the gym badly lately (granted I wasn't in the mood much with my mom passing ) ......I need to start going back next week.....

 

I have to live !!!!!!!! I have to take care of myself !!!!!!!!

 

I will live for myself !!!!!!!

[Shadowburn]

He is you EX-husband. You're divorced. This is it. Your marriage is over. People do not get divorced to salvage marriage - that's what marital therapy and counseling for. After the divorce, all you have to do is to grieve ending of you marriage and to move on. You're not going to win your husband back - he is not your husband anymore.

 

Start getting your life together because this is just so messed up. Best of luck to you.

[stopthemadness]

Hi, I read your post and also your last post, the really looong one. First i wanta say So sorry for thr loss of your Mother. And it really sucks that your marriage ended so soon after that loss. But the Lord never gives you more then you can handle. With that said I wanta say this. That man, your ex husband, he checked out of your marriage a while back. I could tell by reading all your posts. And you know what else? I dont care what he says or how many different lies he says. He is seeing smone else!! He has ALL the signs and if you go bk and read your own posts you would see that all the red flags are there!! I see a therapist and I think its a reaaly good idea for you to see one too.I know you said he has one, but you need one for you. He has played so many mind games with your head that even on a good day a therapist is a good idea for you. Your threapist will help you understand that smtimes its not about you, your weight, your this your that. Smtimes its crap in their head and almost always has nothing to do with us. You have to start to detach from him, in your head and in your heart. Yes it can be done even with kids, I did It. And that stuff about you ruined your last chance or whatever. If the mans looking for things wrong with you, hell find them. My ex boyfriend did that crap to me. Everything i did was wrong because he was looking for stuff wrong see? Now am sure my exs new person can do no wrong(for now) and she'll be whatever he wants her to be understand? So go a head grieve your marriage. Its clearly smthing you need to go through. Remember this, you are not alone!! Weve all been there too. Am joining a gym next week. Thats a great idea. I go to church at least once a week. And yes i come on here, it helps me to know iam not alone. Theres a chat line on here too..So when you need to talk, go on there, they will talk you through the rough times..Good luck.,hang in there..keep posting.....God Bless

[glimmer]

 

I realized how I'm destroying myself hoping for him to love me again....

 

I have to live !!!!!!!! I have to take care of myself !!!!!!!!

 

I will live for myself !!!!!!!

 

There you go right there. Empowering realization. My best wishes to you as you move forward.

[IfiKnewThen]

i didnt read the back story. cooking at the moment. but have a question for you.

 

do you two still reside together? does he live with you or you with him? who pays the rent? or do you not live together? i know youre divorced. thank you.

[loveforever]

Hi, I read your post and also your last post, the really looong one. First i wanta say So sorry for thr loss of your Mother. And it really sucks that your marriage ended so soon after that loss. But the Lord never gives you more then you can handle. With that said I wanta say this. That man, your ex husband, he checked out of your marriage a while back. I could tell by reading all your posts. And you know what else? I dont care what he says or how many different lies he says. He is seeing smone else!! He has ALL the signs and if you go bk and read your own posts you would see that all the red flags are there!! I see a therapist and I think its a reaaly good idea for you to see one too.I know you said he has one, but you need one for you. He has played so many mind games with your head that even on a good day a therapist is a good idea for you. Your threapist will help you understand that smtimes its not about you, your weight, your this your that. Smtimes its crap in their head and almost always has nothing to do with us. You have to start to detach from him, in your head and in your heart. Yes it can be done even with kids, I did It. And that stuff about you ruined your last chance or whatever. If the mans looking for things wrong with you, hell find them. My ex boyfriend did that crap to me. Everything i did was wrong because he was looking for stuff wrong see? Now am sure my exs new person can do no wrong(for now) and she'll be whatever he wants her to be understand? So go a head grieve your marriage. Its clearly smthing you need to go through. Remember this, you are not alone!! Weve all been there too. Am joining a gym next week. Thats a great idea. I go to church at least once a week. And yes i come on here, it helps me to know iam not alone. Theres a chat line on here too..So when you need to talk, go on there, they will talk you through the rough times..Good luck.,hang in there..keep posting.....God Bless

 

Thanks !!!!

 

About a OW.....it would have to be someone from his work, because he never, really never is going anywhere by himself....

 

I don't know anymore.....and to be honest....I don't care anymore....

 

If he thinks he is doing better somewhere else.....good riddance....I know he won't find anyone who loves him as much as I did....with all his little imperfections.....through all the rough times....I've stayed faithful to him for nearly 11 years.....not seeing him for 14 1/2 months when he was in Iraq and I never once even so much as looked at another guy.....

 

I've made my decision....I will do everything in my power to mentally and physically detach myself until he either lets me go because he's got someone else, or he found his love for me again....

 

I will definitely take him back if he decides he really wants us.....

 

I've lost myself here lately....I've been tiptoeing around his feelings and came to realize this is not the person he fell in love with.....not the person I really am.....

 

I'm not very attractive right now (and I don't just mean physically).....more pitiful than anything else....

 

No wonder I have no chance in hell !!!!

 

2011 started out really bad....but that doesn't mean it can't get better, right ?!?!

 

Your life is what you make of it !!!!!!

 

I want to be proud of myself again and I know I will.....with or without him !!!!!!!!

 

[loveforever]

i didnt read the back story. cooking at the moment. but have a question for you.

 

do you two still reside together? does he live with you or you with him? who pays the rent? or do you not live together? i know youre divorced. thank you.

 

He wanted me to move out (pay for my rent since I have debt and he pays the mortgage), but after a very close time (right after I signed the papers, our dog having to be put down) around Christmas he told me he does love me and he doesn't want me to move out, and that he wants to see how the next weeks/months go.....

[IfiKnewThen]

ok i read the whole thing. i like the way you put everything in one place and i didnt have to go searching all over LS to find it. good job. and you seem like you can be very organized.

 

 

so many thoughts went through my mind as i was reading it and i wish i would be more awake here when responding. not because it was long but because i have been reading a lot today overall and need more sleep . i liked all your little faces after the comments too. good writer..even a decent sense of humor. you have a lot going for you. not that you need me to tell you that.

 

heres a few things i did think. your exh, seems to have been banking on your trust in him, during this whole process. being an ex military man, being a cop, being married to you for 10/11years......being a good dad. those things are usually "good guy" (white ) hat roles. he knows you believe in this and even if he shifted into a not so good guy, he knew you would trust him and not see that not so good guy. you would see a stressed guy....maybe you'd think he had valid reasons....but he justified what he did, kept you in the dark, and continued to allow you to believe he is this "good guy".

 

 

there is little doubt in my mind he was been good for years. he may have had some very valid reasons to become frustrated with a "messy home" (bare with me here ) and bills he was worried about if thats the personality he has.

 

 

but he was NOT right or a good guy, to keep all this bottled up or make you feel guilty (in the END and at the last minute, and be helpless in all this to do anything about it now. he was DEAD WRONG THERE.

 

 

you said, AND I QUOTE: "And no....he barely has flaws....petty ones....like leaving the toilet seat up and socks on the floor, and bottling up problems instead of talking about it.....but that's it....."

 

 

thats it???? that is HUGE. an atomic bomb!!!!! bottling up problems instead of talking about it..... i hate to keep saying this but there are a lot more people out there with this MAJOR problem than anyone can believe. this man definitely has the biggest trait of being "passive aggressive". please take the time to look it up, and read it and learn about it on the internet. i hope to send you some links when i have the time but DONT wait for me : ). please do yourself a big favor and look this up.

 

i am sure he was darling to you and sweet and said yes to many things in your life, but he it sounds like he really build up resentment and has been stringing you along by NOT telling you how much things irked him for years. this is NOT an over night thing . as least i don't think so AT ALL. i have lived through stuff like this and been on the receiving end of it and even to a degree felt like this myself at one point in life. been on both sides of the fence.

 

i have a daughter too she might be your age, i dont know. but she had things her b/f didnt like about her. they were living together. he felt she should have paid more of the bills etc. now in the beginning he was soooo awesome. felt like an angel. acted like one too. her defender...etc. but as soon as there was something he wanted in life bad enough, he kicked her to the curb. no one thought he was capable. he was romantic...spoke of fairytale happy endings (i knew someone like this too and was a victim of passive aggressive behavior). so the contrast of him being like this was something she couldn't grasp when he was this different person before. he even talked her into living with him. and then he made her leave this past summer. he had kept it all in to himself. this past year 2010 was a mess. i too experienced heartache from this poet soul and my best friend who was in my life for 10 years. (thats a different story all together) point being....they are not confrontational, they give , they work hard, they seem to have ethics...but bam..secretly hold feelings in and they check out on you and even may deliberately try to hurt you. yes there is guilt and thats the driving force of the contradicting behavior.

 

the i love you is more like i love you as a "person" but not the in love , love i want to be with. they are gentle then withdrawn..etc.

 

cops (dont mean to stereotype) can be a little bit more moody in nature because of their jobs and can even have a wee but of a superiority complex.

 

 

he may be passive about it, but your husband sounds very controlling. passive but controlling. oh yes its possible. like a (these are harsh comparisons i know, trying to make a point tho), like a cult member smiling asking everyone to drink cool aid in waco texas. not everyone is out right bossy or particular and they may not outwardly seem judgmental but they are. now i dont think he is this BAD of a guy.... not a waco nut. no way. but my point is...when we trust someone, we dont see the flaws they may have developed and they counted on you not seeing it and went about their lives, preparing themselves mentally for what "they' wanted and didnt tell you about it. and even lied. he was so smooth about the divorce. giving it to you in doses. increments BUTTTTT again all at the last minute. "come on..it will be ok. its all good. its ok. " and you followed the bread crumb trail. dont feel bad you were fighting for your marriage here. we all would do it. but please take the rose color glasses off if you occasionally put them on. he has issues too.

 

you love them an want them so you walk on egg shells. hey after all they have valid points about you. i get that. i am extremely remorseful for the hurt i caused others. i self blame too. because i have been guilty of hurting and not appreciating like i should , etc. but this man did not treat you like an equal. not by hiding things he sure didnt.

 

he showed you no trust or faith but he asked for it from you...for HIM. every step of the way. he went about it gingerly..but he kept up the facade. i am sure he didnt want to see you in pain..but that's no excuse for the hurt and decisions and NO discussions made without you.

 

he talked about partnership ..bills ...clean house...but he didnt partnership with you with how his feelings were totally disappearing. he just did the disappearing act. i dont even believe he has a shrink or counselor and no counselor would say...Then he said "And just so you know....I'm supposed to text him whenever I have feelings or emotions and why I have them....so there you have it!"

 

do you really believe there are shrinks telling clients to text them after hours with their feelings? he is crafty. he is lying...at least about what his "shrink" expected of him.

 

he is wearing the black hat and you cant see it..and even if you do..you have this mental picture of him in the white hat for so so long.

 

also

, its not nice , or well mannered or whatever for a man to make you feel inadequate or guilty because you dont have a job. damn...being a mom is a job. and he HAD the means to support you, why begrudge you for this.

 

do i know what i am talking about? in this matter yes. i only had one kid and though i had marital problems up the kuzoon for different reasons thru the years...i wasnt made to feel like i had to work, and your money is yours and mine mine or yours mine and ours. and we just got by. God blessed up too through the years..but we were middle class and lower middle class and sometimes poor income. i was no less of a person because i didnt work. you work and he didnt like that you spent money. ok you have to agree on these things and usually before marriage. (i am sure you watched dr. phil sometime in life) but either way..he begrudged you too much for this and didnt really tell you it was a deal breaker or was so cumulative that it was becoming the ruination of your marriage.

 

he has been pondering these things and not PROPERLY articulating them or saying anything at all. then he dreamed of another life with a different kind of a female...and thought this is the prise i want. no hes not that perfect indeed. i am not bashing this guy. i thought my daughters guy was nice too and i told her we cant put our bad habits off on people and expect them to except everything about us. (she wasnt the greatest house cleaner at the TIME. but we can and should expect real communication that remotely resembles the truth in a TIMELY fashion!!!

 

that is what he is guilty of and its not a "little thing" . yes there are worse guys. but what legacy is that?

 

i think he did get scared because he saw you were capable of change....but is he? thats what hes scared of. he doesnt want to row the boat or do the homework. hes feels and tells himself he is entitled he has done enough. methinks.

 

he had this vision of what a wife should be. what about his vision of a husband?

 

good guy. you never saw him in any other light and he banks on you trusting that every single day. he guilt and the need for friendship brought him to a place of telling you about that girl. now he can live with semi truth. i felt like that once. guilt and semi truths.

 

its awesome you are working on you. praise God for your revelations and trying to save the marriage. but i dont think the revelations have come full circle. you are not looking at him fully. he is not looking at him fully.

 

you live thee now. he likes no confrontation...no fuss..no muss. and fuss sadly wont get you anywhere this this guy. but truth will set you free and get you on the road to some recovery. i don't claim that this is all truth but beseech you to look into it. its probably best you are handling like you are. you can always live with yourself... you tried and are trying your best. but you cant poison yourself with walking on egg shell all bottled up either and you can just now lash out. maybe just call him on his chit as it comes up.

 

and i know you dont want to sleep with him. and i know you think hes NEVER been physical with anyone. but i would use full blown protection (have him wear it) if he sleeps with you. i wouldnt take a chance.

 

you are the one it mostly falls on. oh hes doing dishes. but if he says so..you have to leave your own home. you are the one gravely inconvenienced. pray if you believe in that. seek your own counseling with a trusted pastor. take what he says with a grain of salt. go by what he does and how he acts. there may be reconciliation there may not. i know youre under great stress. its hard to keep walking on egg shells but keep praying for strength. anyway sorry this is so darn long. i just felt for you when i read your post. i hope you guys come out the other side. oh yeah you cant tell him hes passive aggressive he will just get upset. i havent a clue of course for certain...but either way no communication and poor communication is no good and IS definitely a BIG deal.

 

also, try to have fun together. make new good bonding experiences. when your dog had to be put down you really bonded that time. ok that was sad. but you bonded none the less. create new good happy bonding times. good luck on your journey.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi again. i am not saying your husband is absolutely PA..he may not be. he can even be...aggressive/aggressive or none of the above. but i thought i would pass this link on to you. if you want to take a look at it. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/226338/relationships_passiveaggressive_men.html?cat=41 there are 3 pages on info. marked at the bottom 1, 2 & 3.

 

 

again this may not be him. maybe he only has some of the traits. either way i wish you luck. and i think bonding experiences are good. i hope you guys reconcil. i am glad he didnt ask you to leave yet. perhaps that's a good sign:)

[loveforever]

hi again. i am not saying your husband is absolutely PA..he may not be. he can even be...aggressive/aggressive or none of the above. but i thought i would pass this link on to you. if you want to take a look at it. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/226338/relationships_passiveaggressive_men.html?cat=41 there are 3 pages on info. marked at the bottom 1, 2 & 3.

 

 

again this may not be him. maybe he only has some of the traits. either way i wish you luck. and i think bonding experiences are good. i hope you guys reconcil. i am glad he didnt ask you to leave yet. perhaps that's a good sign:)

 

Thanks for the info and the loooooooooong post before that !!!! I'll check it out later....

 

I got sent home today because our oldest (D) is sick and ex has to go to work later.....

 

This morning we had a conversation about D and he must have felt like he had to defend himself like I was attacking him because he kept saying "That's not what I mean...." in a 'please don't start an argument way'......and so I stopped instantly and said "It's alright, just go to sleep....I can tell you're exhausted !!!".....

 

So when he just got up we had a little talk about this and that and he even smiled at me a couple of times.....

 

I think I did well.....

 

I still will try to go LC with him from now on....it can only help.....one way or another !!!!

[loveforever]

Thanks for the info and the loooooooooong post before that !!!! I'll check it out later....

 

I got sent home today because our oldest (D) is sick and ex has to go to work later.....

 

This morning we had a conversation about D and he must have felt like he had to defend himself like I was attacking him because he kept saying "That's not what I mean...." in a 'please don't start an argument way'......and so I stopped instantly and said "It's alright, just go to sleep....I can tell you're exhausted !!!".....

 

So when he just got up we had a little talk about this and that and he even smiled at me a couple of times.....

 

I think I did well.....

 

I still will try to go LC with him from now on....it can only help.....one way or another !!!!

 

Well....the last couple of days were really nice.....

 

Friday I came home to him working in the yard....I complemented him on the work he's done and he seemed happy about it.....(words of affirmation is one of his languages)

 

Friday to Saturday night in the middle of the night I awoke to him touching me all over.....I didn't react but went back to sleep.....in the morning I woke up and his hand was resting on my waist and our feet were entangled....

 

Saturday he went to get some more stuff for the yard and after that I said I have to run some errands (10 am).....I went to the post office, to the movies, shopping and to the beauty salon.....I came back home 6 hours later .....

 

I looked HOT !!!!!!!

 

We were trying to figure out what pizza to get and so I sat close to him on the couch looking at the laptop gently touching his leg with mine .....

 

I'm German so I'm not good with American sizes so I asked him how big 10" are....he laughed and said "I'm 4 inches so this *showswithhands* are 10 inches".....

 

He's always made stupid comments about his size because he thinks every woman wants a porn star for a partner....but he has no reason whatsoever to feel bad.....he's perfect and I told him again....

 

Funny thing.....while he was picking his food I had the TV on and it showed "Fireproof"..... I had it muted but as soon as I turned the volume back on Caleb (Kirk Cameron) said something like "....working on our marriage...." or ".....saving our marriage..."

 

He must have heard it and I would love to know what went through his head at that moment....

 

Anyway.....we had a great dinner....a lot of smiles and some joking.....

 

I went to bed before him and again I woke up to him massaging and scratching my back.....

 

We had sex *yeahIknow*.....but it's been a long time for me and I'm only human too....

 

As for the nagging, questioning etc.....I haven't done it for quite a while, so I'm proud of myself...

 

I keep the conversations as short and simple as possible....yes, I have slip-ups, but overall I'm doing good I think....

 

I'm feeling much better about myself and I am not constantly thinking "I'm doing this to get him back"...but "I'm feeling so good about myself now".....

 

Time....patience.....hard work...

 

With that I'll be leaving for the gym now !!!!!!!

 

[IfiKnewThen]

thumbs up. good luck to u. if all goes well, and i know this all takes time, maybe remarry again?

[loveforever]

thumbs up. good luck to u. if all goes well, and i know this all takes time, maybe remarry again?

 

You know....that would be great, especially since no-one except for our brothers and my co-workers know....not even our kids know it.....

 

To just quietly get married again like (almost) nothing happened.....

 

But to be honest....I don't believe I'm that lucky....

 

Whatever happens...I'm working on bettering myself and therefore something good will come out of this.....

 

.......*The better Me*......

[IfiKnewThen]

wow, even that's gotta be hard that no one knows. was that his suggestion?

 

i guess there are better times to tell the kids maybe. i dont know.

 

i came from a divorced home. my parents fought a lot. when i found out they were divorcing, i was worried about where my dad would live. i was 7 at the time and i was asked who i would want to live with. i told them i loved them both equally but i thought it was best i lived with my mom. i think i handled it well. i was glad they would be separated so they couldnt fight as much. we were told rather straight forward about it, but gently...that they didnt get along. but i could see that myself. anyway kids are stronger than we think. its as long as we dont drag them thru our emotional baggage all the time. thats the key thing. being dragged thru all the time. i think my daughter would have been better off if she werent exposed to all her dads and my stuff. anyway it would be nice if it got patched up and you guys could start anew.

 

only you guys know how feasible that all is. and yes, there is nothing quite like learning about oneself. i only wish i knew more about myself in a timely fashion.

 

but like you said when you work on yourself something 'good" will come out of it

[loveforever]

wow, even that's gotta be hard that no one knows. was that his suggestion?

 

 

 

Yes, he mentioned not to tell our parents because both sides are really sick (my mom just passed away end of January) and we didn't want to shock them, because they love us very much and would be devastated....they all live far away enough for them never really having to find out......

 

I'm not sure about the kids though.....why he never wanted to tell them even though he knew he was going to go through with it......like maybe he really saw a glimpse of hope for us ?!?!?.....I don't know...it's all such a f***ed up situation....

 

 

i guess there are better times to tell the kids maybe. i dont know.

 

 

 

anyway it would be nice if it got patched up and you guys could start anew.

 

 

It would be all I wish for.....

 

I'm having a really hard time doing the right thing.....

 

Tuesday morning (he just got home from work) my little one (almost 4) did not want to come to work with me because he wanted to stay home to play the Wii ....he cried and cried saying "I don't want to go with mommy" over and over again and daddy kept saying "Why don't you want to go with mommy ???".....it started to pi** me off because it was like he wanted him to say "Cause I love daddy more"......so I snapped at him and said "Well it's not because he doesn't love me, he just wants to stay home to play the Wii !!!!!!!" and my ex just looked at me in disbelief and said "Why would you say that ????? I just wanted to hear he wants to play the Wii from him !!!!"......I just huffed at him and left....

 

I know that that's all he wanted him to say and not that he doesn't love me....but it all sounded so much like what you hear from those divorced custody battling couples on TV and it made me snap......

 

I didn't have the chance to apologize because i didn't get to see him anymore since then (he was already at work when I got home) so today (would have been our 11 year anniversary) I went to his favorite restaurant, got his favorite food, put it in his cooler and left a note on it saying "I will always cherish and remember this day".....

 

When I came home tonight he'd written a note "Thank you. I only slept a couple of hours and didn't have time to eat. I will eat it tomorrow when I get home.".....and put it in the fridge.....

 

With that I made the decision that today is day 1 of turning into a "bitch" .....

 

I've started reading the book ("Why men love bitches) and I realized that I am such a good girl and he's done all the bitch stuff....and I've been chasing him....

 

Now I want to reverse the roles and if he doesn't bite at least it'll give me back my confidence........

 

Have I said yet that I absolutely love this book !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Totally recommend it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[IfiKnewThen]

hey loveforever,

 

i am really glad you see value in the book. i think its excellent too and its something you can always kinda refer to, when you need to. its something we can pass on to our daughters.

 

i am sorry for the loss of your mother. i lost mine back in 2006 to cancer and it was a very stressful period in my life. but a blessing i got to be with her. i think its an honor to take care of our parents.

 

i understand the whole..not tell parent thing..and that perhaps the kids might blurt it out and protecting all in hard times. but i think there will be a time soon when most if not all will have to know and it will have its own merit. (for knowing)

 

perhaps a small part of your exh also wants to fell less accountable, and doesnt want to answer to anyone outside the marriage too.

 

and i totally agree about him chasing you not vise versa.

 

wow reading about your anniversary really touched me. i hope someday he comes to really regrets what he did, by treating you as an equal with love respect and deep appreciation. i know you dont want people getting all negative about him and i get that. but i hope he can step outside of himself as you have and take a good hard look at himself and see what hes contributing and contaminating to the relationship. he sounds a wee bit control, if even in a subtle way.

[Rose T]

Hey, IfiKnewThen, I just wanted to say thankyou for that long post you made earlier in this thread, talking about passive agressive guys who seem so kind on the surface. My ex was like that, such a supportive, capable person for so long - sorting out everything for me, until he cheated and left, at which point I only realised about the doubts and criticisms of me that he'd been bottling up. I was absolutely floored and I totally recognise what you're describing. Thanks - it's nice to know I wasn't going mad.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi Rose T, I am sorry you went through that. and yes, P.A. is very real and i feel men are more prone to being that way. the problem is is it devastating to be the last to know anything...because they keep everything to themselves in their own thought process and world. youre not going mad. have you gone to any of the P.A. links? anyway, glad it that particular info could help someone, in some measure.

[Rose T]

Yes I have had a look at those links, thank you. (sorry for hijacking the thread loveforever, will be back on track soon!) You know, the whole experience made me feel very guilty, even though he left in awful circumstances - it suddenly threw my flaws into relief, as my faults only really came out as he was leaving me. It's something I'll have to pay attention to in the future so at least I've learned, although recognising that you can't do much when they don't communicate has been important too.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi again rose T, its only natural for faults or flaws to surface when your world is spinning out of control and life as you knew it and your identity as you understood it, no longer belonged with him.

 

something i have noticed, P.A. guys also seem to have a tendency to drink. they don't have to be alcoholics but its another way they escape "dealing' and confrontation. they don't want to be the bad guys but end up being so to the extent of excluding their partner. anyway not throwing everyone in a melting pot here. its just a real hard personality to deal with because they lead you to believe everything is fine, until the end. you might see hints of things when looking back, but not enough to indicate what was really happening.

 

yes, oops sorry loveforever to hijack the thread. . anyway thank u for letting me know, the info was in anyway useful. )

[loveforever]

hey loveforever,

 

i am really glad you see value in the book. i think its excellent too and its something you can always kinda refer to, when you need to. its something we can pass on to our daughters.

 

i am sorry for the loss of your mother. i lost mine back in 2006 to cancer and it was a very stressful period in my life. but a blessing i got to be with her. i think its an honor to take care of our parents.

 

i understand the whole..not tell parent thing..and that perhaps the kids might blurt it out and protecting all in hard times. but i think there will be a time soon when most if not all will have to know and it will have its own merit. (for knowing)

 

perhaps a small part of your exh also wants to fell less accountable, and doesnt want to answer to anyone outside the marriage too.

 

and i totally agree about him chasing you not vise versa.

 

wow reading about your anniversary really touched me. i hope someday he comes to really regrets what he did, by treating you as an equal with love respect and deep appreciation. i know you dont want people getting all negative about him and i get that. but i hope he can step outside of himself as you have and take a good hard look at himself and see what hes contributing and contaminating to the relationship. he sounds a wee bit control, if even in a subtle way.

 

I hope he will regret it too and I hope even more that he will find his love for me again and we could as he said "maybe get remarried to each other".....

 

I really can't tell about his behavior right now....he's acting strange.....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t267533/

 

What do you think ???

 

I really have to stick to the "Bitch".....I did so well last night after coming home from my staff meeting, but then he didn't come to bed, I woke up, found him sleeping on the couch.....

 

I asked him why he was sleeping on the couch and he said "I didn't want to wake you up with my tossing and turning" (he had a dental appointment yesterday and a migraine).......

 

Needless to say....I couldn't sleep anyway because I worried about him (can't really tell you why ) and was grouchy and snippy in the morning which he responded to the same way .....

 

When I just got home he was smiling at me and we were joking around because I offered him donuts we had at work today (he's a police officer ).....

 

So I guess everything is ok again....I don't know.....

 

What do you say to my post up there IfiKnewThen ???

[IfiKnewThen]

hi loveforever

 

sorry to hear you are going through all of this. i have a lot of feelings about this and its a mixed bag, because it appears to be that several things are going on in my opinion. i think this is a bit of a complicated situation you two have here.

 

first of all it seems that your exh is confused himself. i think he had a plan that was was going to execute all set up in his mind (the divorce and moving on without you) ..and when the dynamics changed with you, and they way he interacted with you, it through his plan off. oh, he got the divorce...but the moving on without part was a bit more difficult for him.

 

so, he got his divorce, but having you out of the house was trickier. maybe he felt guilty about that and or feared having the kids away from him (even on a part time basis) so he invited you to stay..to see how things would go. he also may have had actual feelings of wanting to make certain he was doing the right thing and his feelings were no longer still in place for you. it could have been both these reasons. i think he worries about the finances too, and how that plays out living apart.

 

there's an old saying...."when in doubt, don't do anything". i think that's what he is doing for the time being.

 

i am going to say something else that might be hard to accept. (because it may not be true at all......this is only speculation)......he may have wanted to prove to someone else (besides himself) that he was serious about getting a divorce, so he did.

 

but that might have been where the buck stopped for him...till he could sort out if he really wanted to throw it all away. so keeping you there.

 

(again, this is a mixed bag of stuff that COULD be going on in his brain. we dont know. but you have to play the devils advocate...thinking it could be anything at this point. (but to keep your sanity and him you cant let this drive you crazy)

 

he seems to do things in increments...slowly...and pensive like.

 

hes got one foot in the door and one foot out. he also seems to know how much you love him and need or want him and this confidence has got him this far. this far and doing things gingerly, and not losing you yet.

 

he seems to not want to throw the baby out with the bath water.

 

also, it seems like he gets to caring all over again about you and feeling really good about it too and then pulls back and says to himself....wait, this wasnt my PLAN. he seems to act like he has to carry out things he started, even if he questions his own original decision.

 

he seems to like options, in his personality. he doesn't want to throw his option out with you. i know this all sounds a bit selfish....and it can be. its at least self serving. but i think hes worried about you too. he doesn't want to just say go...and you are out there on a limb. he is guilt ridden.

 

i think its good you stick with the bitch plan. because it doesn't trample on him, yet it doesnt allow him to trample on you.

 

i think his greatest mistake was getting the divorce to begin with. that was a radical bold move. he sorta inched that up on you too. always saying..it going to be ok.

 

i think, in his mind, he might not want to do anything demonstrative to get you to say to him someday (if he doesn't reconcile with you)....."why did you lead me on?" so he doesn't kiss you, make love to you, hug you whatever.

 

then there are times he cant resist you (for having feelings for you) or wants to give in to his fancy (his male hormones) and he approaches you more.

 

this man seems very confused and is thinking of himself a lot.

 

you have probably changed something in your own dynamics and this too has thrown him off course.

 

you are probaby doing things he finds more appealing and attractive lately.

 

of course living off a cliff has got you on edge (very naturally) and you are sick of being up in the air and fighting for him and not knowing where your future is going, so you get a bit upset and he reverts back to wondering, who is this now?

 

he gets confused again. NOTTTTTTTTTTTT because you are doing ANYTHING wrong at ALL. but because he is expecting perfect in a very imperfect circumstance. i really think the bitch (according to that book) mentality is your best bet. it preserves dignity and self respect and is both attractive and maintains self preservation.

 

 

i hope i didnt make any typos i will have to reread this when i have more time. going to eat a late dinner. (not your fault lol i got in late and am waiting for a delivery). anyway i hope this makes sense. i just think its such a mixed bag.

 

to really save things 1) he cant have another woman on the side. he cant get mad at you contact her and make you the bad guy 2) it would be great to find out what each of you want someday. have an open dialog. get him to open up and trust you more, and tell you what he wants from a relationship and what he would be willing to give to have that. 3) you have to keep a good tone, but be firm when you have to. but for a lot of men, less talking...more keeping busy and getting his interest works best. 4) i am not kidding that book men are from mars woman are from venus rocks. it would be so great if couples read that together.

 

ok have to go now. yeah i wrote another long post. but sometimes its hard to give input and edit it too

[loveforever]

hi loveforever

 

sorry to hear you are going through all of this. i have a lot of feelings about this and its a mixed bag, because it appears to be that several things are going on in my opinion. i think this is a bit of a complicated situation you two have here.

 

first of all it seems that your exh is confused himself. i think he had a plan that was was going to execute all set up in his mind (the divorce and moving on without you) ..and when the dynamics changed with you, and they way he interacted with you, it through his plan off. oh, he got the divorce...but the moving on without part was a bit more difficult for him.

 

so, he got his divorce, but having you out of the house was trickier. maybe he felt guilty about that and or feared having the kids away from him (even on a part time basis) so he invited you to stay..to see how things would go. he also may have had actual feelings of wanting to make certain he was doing the right thing and his feelings were no longer still in place for you. it could have been both these reasons. i think he worries about the finances too, and how that plays out living apart.

 

there's an old saying...."when in doubt, don't do anything". i think that's what he is doing for the time being.

 

i am going to say something else that might be hard to accept. (because it may not be true at all......this is only speculation)......he may have wanted to prove to someone else (besides himself) that he was serious about getting a divorce, so he did.

 

but that might have been where the buck stopped for him...till he could sort out if he really wanted to throw it all away. so keeping you there.

 

(again, this is a mixed bag of stuff that COULD be going on in his brain. we dont know. but you have to play the devils advocate...thinking it could be anything at this point. (but to keep your sanity and him you cant let this drive you crazy)

 

he seems to do things in increments...slowly...and pensive like.

 

hes got one foot in the door and one foot out. he also seems to know how much you love him and need or want him and this confidence has got him this far. this far and doing things gingerly, and not losing you yet.

 

he seems to not want to throw the baby out with the bath water.

 

also, it seems like he gets to caring all over again about you and feeling really good about it too and then pulls back and says to himself....wait, this wasnt my PLAN. he seems to act like he has to carry out things he started, even if he questions his own original decision.

 

he seems to like options, in his personality. he doesn't want to throw his option out with you. i know this all sounds a bit selfish....and it can be. its at least self serving. but i think hes worried about you too. he doesn't want to just say go...and you are out there on a limb. he is guilt ridden.

 

i think its good you stick with the bitch plan. because it doesn't trample on him, yet it doesnt allow him to trample on you.

 

i think his greatest mistake was getting the divorce to begin with. that was a radical bold move. he sorta inched that up on you too. always saying..it going to be ok.

 

i think, in his mind, he might not want to do anything demonstrative to get you to say to him someday (if he doesn't reconcile with you)....."why did you lead me on?" so he doesn't kiss you, make love to you, hug you whatever.

 

then there are times he cant resist you (for having feelings for you) or wants to give in to his fancy (his male hormones) and he approaches you more.

 

this man seems very confused and is thinking of himself a lot.

 

you have probably changed something in your own dynamics and this too has thrown him off course.

 

you are probaby doing things he finds more appealing and attractive lately.

 

of course living off a cliff has got you on edge (very naturally) and you are sick of being up in the air and fighting for him and not knowing where your future is going, so you get a bit upset and he reverts back to wondering, who is this now?

 

he gets confused again. NOTTTTTTTTTTTT because you are doing ANYTHING wrong at ALL. but because he is expecting perfect in a very imperfect circumstance. i really think the bitch (according to that book) mentality is your best bet. it preserves dignity and self respect and is both attractive and maintains self preservation.

 

 

i hope i didnt make any typos i will have to reread this when i have more time. going to eat a late dinner. (not your fault lol i got in late and am waiting for a delivery). anyway i hope this makes sense. i just think its such a mixed bag.

 

to really save things 1) he cant have another woman on the side. he cant get mad at you contact her and make you the bad guy 2) it would be great to find out what each of you want someday. have an open dialog. get him to open up and trust you more, and tell you what he wants from a relationship and what he would be willing to give to have that. 3) you have to keep a good tone, but be firm when you have to. but for a lot of men, less talking...more keeping busy and getting his interest works best. 4) i am not kidding that book men are from mars woman are from venus rocks. it would be so great if couples read that together.

 

ok have to go now. yeah i wrote another long post. but sometimes its hard to give input and edit it too

 

I love your long post because you actually go into detail and explain well....

 

Anyway, before I fall asleep right now, I will go to bed as I had a kicka@@ work schedule here lately and I am beat.....

 

I will answer tomorrow !!!!

 

Thanks again soooooooooooo much IfIKnewThen !!!!!!

[loveforever]

hi loveforever

 

sorry to hear you are going through all of this. i have a lot of feelings about this and its a mixed bag, because it appears to be that several things are going on in my opinion. i think this is a bit of a complicated situation you two have here.

 

first of all it seems that your exh is confused himself. i think he had a plan that was was going to execute all set up in his mind (the divorce and moving on without you) ..and when the dynamics changed with you, and they way he interacted with you, it through his plan off. oh, he got the divorce...but the moving on without part was a bit more difficult for him.

 

so, he got his divorce, but having you out of the house was trickier. maybe he felt guilty about that and or feared having the kids away from him (even on a part time basis) so he invited you to stay..to see how things would go. he also may have had actual feelings of wanting to make certain he was doing the right thing and his feelings were no longer still in place for you. it could have been both these reasons. i think he worries about the finances too, and how that plays out living apart.

 

there's an old saying...."when in doubt, don't do anything". i think that's what he is doing for the time being.

 

i am going to say something else that might be hard to accept. (because it may not be true at all......this is only speculation)......he may have wanted to prove to someone else (besides himself) that he was serious about getting a divorce, so he did.

 

but that might have been where the buck stopped for him...till he could sort out if he really wanted to throw it all away. so keeping you there.

 

(again, this is a mixed bag of stuff that COULD be going on in his brain. we dont know. but you have to play the devils advocate...thinking it could be anything at this point. (but to keep your sanity and him you cant let this drive you crazy)

 

he seems to do things in increments...slowly...and pensive like.

 

hes got one foot in the door and one foot out. he also seems to know how much you love him and need or want him and this confidence has got him this far. this far and doing things gingerly, and not losing you yet.

 

he seems to not want to throw the baby out with the bath water.

 

also, it seems like he gets to caring all over again about you and feeling really good about it too and then pulls back and says to himself....wait, this wasnt my PLAN. he seems to act like he has to carry out things he started, even if he questions his own original decision.

 

he seems to like options, in his personality. he doesn't want to throw his option out with you. i know this all sounds a bit selfish....and it can be. its at least self serving. but i think hes worried about you too. he doesn't want to just say go...and you are out there on a limb. he is guilt ridden.

 

i think its good you stick with the bitch plan. because it doesn't trample on him, yet it doesnt allow him to trample on you.

 

i think his greatest mistake was getting the divorce to begin with. that was a radical bold move. he sorta inched that up on you too. always saying..it going to be ok.

 

i think, in his mind, he might not want to do anything demonstrative to get you to say to him someday (if he doesn't reconcile with you)....."why did you lead me on?" so he doesn't kiss you, make love to you, hug you whatever.

 

then there are times he cant resist you (for having feelings for you) or wants to give in to his fancy (his male hormones) and he approaches you more.

 

this man seems very confused and is thinking of himself a lot.

 

you have probably changed something in your own dynamics and this too has thrown him off course.

 

you are probaby doing things he finds more appealing and attractive lately.

 

of course living off a cliff has got you on edge (very naturally) and you are sick of being up in the air and fighting for him and not knowing where your future is going, so you get a bit upset and he reverts back to wondering, who is this now?

 

he gets confused again. NOTTTTTTTTTTTT because you are doing ANYTHING wrong at ALL. but because he is expecting perfect in a very imperfect circumstance. i really think the bitch (according to that book) mentality is your best bet. it preserves dignity and self respect and is both attractive and maintains self preservation.

 

 

i hope i didnt make any typos i will have to reread this when i have more time. going to eat a late dinner. (not your fault lol i got in late and am waiting for a delivery). anyway i hope this makes sense. i just think its such a mixed bag.

 

to really save things 1) he cant have another woman on the side. he cant get mad at you contact her and make you the bad guy 2) it would be great to find out what each of you want someday. have an open dialog. get him to open up and trust you more, and tell you what he wants from a relationship and what he would be willing to give to have that. 3) you have to keep a good tone, but be firm when you have to. but for a lot of men, less talking...more keeping busy and getting his interest works best. 4) i am not kidding that book men are from mars woman are from venus rocks. it would be so great if couples read that together.

 

ok have to go now. yeah i wrote another long post. but sometimes its hard to give input and edit it too

 

 

 

I think he's a little confused himself.....

 

I can't imagine he really just lost all the love for me.....and the way he looks at me sometimes when we're laughing together.....speaks different....

 

Anyway....he's slept in the spare bedroom last night.........

 

He said he was reading and lost his temp crown which made him uncomfortable all night and he didn't want to wake me with this.....ok ?!?! .....besides me being sick and snoring ....only when I got a cold I swear !!!!!

 

I believe these were the only reasons....well....50% of me believes it....he joked about something with me today which ups the percentage a bit, but he seemed very tense otherwise (lack of sleep ???, our 3 year old being a pain in the *** today).....

 

I have to read a bit more in my book....I'm doing better but not good enough yet....still care too much about what he feels and does.....

[IfiKnewThen]

i still believe he cares too. or it would be totally over..except for kid visits and communication along that order.

 

there is still a good deal of hope in this situation. methinks

 

the fact that you still live under the same roof and you get along THIS well.

 

its just frustrating that you have to live on edge like this. him holding cards. but youre not totally helpless, thank goodness. and i do think the methods in the book (and please check out men are from mars too) will help along the way.

 

get some good bonding experiences in there too. share something good and fun and memorable together if you can