wilson1 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 (edited) Yesterday night i finished this relationship over skype. It was something i was asking in the forum about for several days now. It hurts. Aside from the "issue" that caused the relationship to end, I really liked her and we used to have a great time together, i really enjoyed our talks, there was passion, and she produced genuine smiles on me. And even in the last moments there was "hope" in my heart that it would work. Now what? Do i do a strict zero contact policy from now on? Do i try to keep "friendly" contact? Do i erase her from my life completely? Or at least try to keep her in a way that is not hurting for any of us? (which i dont know if she will even accept). It's just too hurting to go from talking to each other every single day (one way or the other) to zero contact. This is the original thread and the reason why it ended: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=263998 Any honest advice will be welcome Edited February 10, 2011 by wilson1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 It's just too hurting to go from talking to each other every single day (one way or the other) to zero contact. Believe me it is much more hurtful to drag it out. You will get confused. Every email or text she sends you will make your heart race and you will get excited all for nothing. Every time you send her one you will wait for her reply with baited breath and will be depressed if she doesn't reply as you hope. It is death by 1000 cuts. No Contact is harder in the short term but in the long term it is much better. Link to post Share on other sites
stopthemadness Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Hi, ya i remember you chatting about this on the chat line. I was the one who said i think this lady told you way too much of her past. Her mistake and she cant undo that. Ya you did the right thing because from what youve said you cant get past her past so to speak. Youve made your decision now stay with it and dont look back. Sence you were only with her a few months, going to zero contact wont be that hard. Good luck.... Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 I just read why you ended the relationship, and honestly, I think it's sexist and ridiculous. I think you lost something potentially really great because of your own insecurity. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Go strict NC and avoid a rebound unless you truly feel physical intimacy is the best medicine. Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 ok i didn't read everyone's opinions and thread. i perused your original thread. i can seriously understand your fears. i do think it was great that she was honest but every love guru out there would tell a woman not to disclose so much information in such a short period of time or it can and will spook at man off and i can see this happened here. its sad and unfortunate. apparently there was something you saw in her and liked. and something gave you a good vibe..butterfies in stomach. sometimes having a bit of a "past" makes you learn hard lessons, in the end. (hopefully) it wouldn't be fair to her if you kept ruminating on this stuff in your mind if you stayed together. that would be something "you" have to change and over come..not her : ). not everyone is cut out of the same cloth with picture perfect lives. if a person loves you perfectly, that's all that counts. i agree that her dialog about you being the love of her life and marriage was way premature. but just because she was with a lot of people in her youth..does NOT mean that will be the same in her adult life and future. could be quite the contrary and it shouldn't be assumed that she will be that way forever. she could commit to you in marriage and honor that all the days of her life. i don't see it as a sign that she will run off...etc. you being inexperienced doesnt make you a worse lover and you shouldn't ever try to compare..perform etc. love is about loving each other and being in the moment. together...without negative useless external thoughts. i thin all people who have been sexually active in the past..if they respect one another should get tested...i firmly believe that!!!! thats just good common sense..whether you have been with one person or 21. makes NO difference. you have apparently thought all of this over and ended it and want to go no contact. then stick to it. did you speak to her of YOUR insecurities. personally i would have done that. does she know why you ended it? just wondering if she has a clue. personally i agree with a few people on her who said she told you too much too soon and you weren't ready for it. and its sad because she could have been a great mate and i really don't think that's any indication at all that she is a bad person or that you 2 couldn't have been monogamous and happy together. i know you want to use your brain on this and would think that another person might be better for you will less of a past...but it doesnt always work like that. but you took your chances now on that logic..so go with it and dont go back and forth hurting her. or you. oh and yes i think you should be decent and not not talk to her like she was a piece of trash. she sounds like she didnt do anything to you. so be kind and respectful...but move on and let her know this is not going anywhere! Link to post Share on other sites
fltc Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 I just read why you ended the relationship, and honestly, I think it's sexist and ridiculous. I think you lost something potentially really great because of your own insecurity. Yes, he did, but he could not overcome his feelings and the relationship would have been poisoned. He can't help his feelings any more than I can force myself to eat <UGH> tuna. Link to post Share on other sites
TerminalMan Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Sexist or not, we all have our limits. You were right to follow your gut instinct, as painful as it may have been to "give up" on this relationship. Sometimes you meet the right person, but at the wrong time in your life. Sometimes there are facts or feelings you can't get past. It's not worth the sleepless nights. Move on, and learn a little about yourself in the process. No contact. PegNosePete said it well: "Believe me it is much more hurtful to drag it out. You will get confused. Every email or text she sends you will make your heart race and you will get excited all for nothing. Every time you send her one you will wait for her reply with baited breath and will be depressed if she doesn't reply as you hope. It is death by 1000 cuts. No Contact is harder in the short term but in the long term it is much better." And the rush to marriage thing from her.... big red flag, as others have said. Always run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilson1 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 Hi, ya i remember you chatting about this on the chat line. I was the one who said i think this lady told you way too much of her past. Her mistake and she cant undo that. Ya you did the right thing because from what youve said you cant get past her past so to speak. Youve made your decision now stay with it and dont look back. Sence you were only with her a few months, going to zero contact wont be that hard. Good luck.... Thanks for the feedback. I don't really think it was a mistake for her to tell me. Imagine if we got married and at some point this discussion came up. It would be 100 times worse. You just need to know who you are with. And better sooner than later. Actually i am grateful she told me. thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilson1 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 I just read why you ended the relationship, and honestly, I think it's sexist and ridiculous. I think you lost something potentially really great because of your own insecurity. So you say i should stay with someone that i am insecure with? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilson1 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 Go strict NC and avoid a rebound unless you truly feel physical intimacy is the best medicine. There is no chance of physical intimacy right now, shes about 15.000km away and we can only chat on webcam through skype. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilson1 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 (edited) ok i didn't read everyone's opinions and thread. i perused your original thread. i can seriously understand your fears. i do think it was great that she was honest but every love guru out there would tell a woman not to disclose so much information in such a short period of time or it can and will spook at man off and i can see this happened here. its sad and unfortunate. apparently there was something you saw in her and liked. and something gave you a good vibe..butterfies in stomach. sometimes having a bit of a "past" makes you learn hard lessons, in the end. (hopefully) it wouldn't be fair to her if you kept ruminating on this stuff in your mind if you stayed together. that would be something "you" have to change and over come..not her : ). not everyone is cut out of the same cloth with picture perfect lives. if a person loves you perfectly, that's all that counts. i agree that her dialog about you being the love of her life and marriage was way premature. but just because she was with a lot of people in her youth..does NOT mean that will be the same in her adult life and future. could be quite the contrary and it shouldn't be assumed that she will be that way forever. she could commit to you in marriage and honor that all the days of her life. i don't see it as a sign that she will run off...etc. you being inexperienced doesnt make you a worse lover and you shouldn't ever try to compare..perform etc. love is about loving each other and being in the moment. together...without negative useless external thoughts. i thin all people who have been sexually active in the past..if they respect one another should get tested...i firmly believe that!!!! thats just good common sense..whether you have been with one person or 21. makes NO difference. you have apparently thought all of this over and ended it and want to go no contact. then stick to it. did you speak to her of YOUR insecurities. personally i would have done that. does she know why you ended it? just wondering if she has a clue. personally i agree with a few people on her who said she told you too much too soon and you weren't ready for it. and its sad because she could have been a great mate and i really don't think that's any indication at all that she is a bad person or that you 2 couldn't have been monogamous and happy together. i know you want to use your brain on this and would think that another person might be better for you will less of a past...but it doesnt always work like that. but you took your chances now on that logic..so go with it and dont go back and forth hurting her. or you. oh and yes i think you should be decent and not not talk to her like she was a piece of trash. she sounds like she didnt do anything to you. so be kind and respectful...but move on and let her know this is not going anywhere! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Yes, i always make my best effor to treat her as respectfully as possible (even if my hear aches so much when she tells me about her past). Her past is not simply about number of partners but about self destruction on many levels (some i didnt even mention and i dont even think its appropiate), and when she tells me about it i almost want to throw up (sorry to say it that way), and try to make my best effort to look relaxed but its just not the same. It's almost like i fall in love with someone and when she tells me about her past she tells me about a completely different person , someone i could never be with in a thousand years. And then that fear and feeling of disgust and anxiety owns me. I don't agree on the "telling too soon" part. At some point her life story would have to come up. What if we got married and she told me about this afterwards? I would want to cut my balls off haha. Sorry for the expression. I did tell her the reasons about why we were breaking up (i had to be honest). She said she didn't regret anything about her life, and that she doesnt want to regret, because it's a very destructive feeling and she wants to be happy (which is understandable). Also, it seems that one of the abusive boyfriends was always trying to make her feel guilty about everything, so now she is extremely defensive about any of this stuff. It's understandable. It's just extremely difficult for me to live with this. Maybe i dont have the strength. This said. After "breaking up" i felt so bad... i miss her smile, she has one of the most beautiful faces i've seen on my life and she always behaved extremely well with me. If we don't take into account the "past issue", i can tell she really made her best to make this work. I don't know if i ever had such CONTRADICTORY feelings for anyone before. Edited February 11, 2011 by wilson1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilson1 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 Yes, he did, but he could not overcome his feelings and the relationship would have been poisoned. He can't help his feelings any more than I can force myself to eat <UGH> tuna. This guy knows what he is talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilson1 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 Sometimes you meet the right person, but at the wrong time in your life. Sometimes there are facts or feelings you can't get past. It's not worth the sleepless nights. Move on, and learn a little about yourself in the process. This is a great insight, i am constantly thinking i wish i met her before any of this happened. And somehow "rescued her from herself". I know its irrational and theres nothing that can be done about it. And also, one doesn't even know if it would have worked at that time anyway... I just have the feeling that maybe in another life we would have been great together, maybe in the next one? Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 at least you know what you want and don't want and aren't going to drag it out with her for years. and be passive aggressive telling her ..yes yes..i get it ,,i understand then then going hating her more and more. I'll give you that. so its good you told her why. maybe she too will try to not unload all her stuff on someone and put it all behind her and just move forward....and think more on her future..than her past. Link to post Share on other sites
TerminalMan Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 ... i am constantly thinking i wish i met her before any of this happened. And somehow "rescued her from herself". I know its irrational and theres nothing that can be done about it. And also, one doesn't even know if it would have worked at that time anyway... I just have the feeling that maybe in another life we would have been great together, maybe in the next one? Sounds like you are figuring it out It's not irrational to wish things were different, but unfortunately it will get you nowhere. I kind of understand your situation. For years, I suffered from the "white knight" syndrome (always wanting to rescue a damsel in "distress"). It always ended badly. Now I just try to be a friend, and support them in their (good) decisions, and keep my mouth shut when I feel like putting on the armor and jumping on my white steed. The past is a two-edged sword. It should never be ignored, yet it's hard to get past. But don't let it be a conundrum. As Harry Callahan once said, "A man's got to know his limitations." Consider her a ship that passed in the night, and for a moment you appreciated each other. Perhaps one day you'll meet again. If not, perhaps that too is fate. To thine own self be true Link to post Share on other sites
ComputerJock Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 Maybe this has been a good experience, even though it was extremely hurtful. Now you know what you want in a life partner, not someone who has had multiple partners like former girl friend, but someone who has a equivelant background and the same experience. Having sex with someone should be a shared and loving experience, not something that is done just because it feels good or because you feel depressed. You might think also about finding someone within your culture who would expect the same behavior from you as you would expect from them not only in sex, but friends, family relations, financial, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 So you say i should stay with someone that i am insecure with? I think you should work to overcome your insecurity and not banish her as some kind of tainted woman because she was with other people before she ever knew you existed. It's such a double standard, and so driven by pointless machismo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilson1 Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 I think you should work to overcome your insecurity and not banish her as some kind of tainted woman because she was with other people before she ever knew you existed. It's such a double standard, and so driven by pointless machismo. Thank you for your comments. But have you bothered to read the full thread about her story? Because by the way you answer it doesnt sound like you do. And i already replied the "double standard" thing before. Would be nice if you read it before continuing the discussion. thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilson1 Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 at least you know what you want and don't want and aren't going to drag it out with her for years. and be passive aggressive telling her ..yes yes..i get it ,,i understand then then going hating her more and more. I'll give you that. Yes, my worst fear is that it would turn into a sick/poisoned relationship because of what you said. And it has started so wondefully that i don't want to spoil it. I'd rather just keep the wonderful memories. At least i have some good stories to tell my grandchildren about intercontinental experiences (trying to look at the bright side). Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilson1 Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 Maybe this has been a good experience, even though it was extremely hurtful. Now you know what you want in a life partner, not someone who has had multiple partners like former girl friend, but someone who has a equivelant background and the same experience. Having sex with someone should be a shared and loving experience, not something that is done just because it feels good or because you feel depressed. You might think also about finding someone within your culture who would expect the same behavior from you as you would expect from them not only in sex, but friends, family relations, financial, etc. Thank you ComputerJock. I really agree with what you say. I'm not really scared about intercultural experiences (honestly i find it attractive). I think it can be rewarding and an enriching experience. But there must be some basic values that must be shared. What lines are crossed and which don't. And even if they were crossed in the past and not again in the future i think a small part of me will be haunted about it. However, i do feel that even in the most "liberal" countries there must be girls who just behave mildly or even like "nuns", i mean, its a personal choice after all and every person makes their own, regardless of what country they are from. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 Thank you for your comments. But have you bothered to read the full thread about her story? Because by the way you answer it doesnt sound like you do. And i already replied the "double standard" thing before. Would be nice if you read it before continuing the discussion. thanks. Yup, I read it! And I stand by what I posted. If anyone I dated wanted to judge me based on my past, I'd think they were being ridiculous and would be turned off by the insecurity and short-sightedness. I don't want some guy to only want to go to bed with me because he has something to "teach" me. What's sexy is a guy who wants to LEARN. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wilson1 Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 (edited) Yup, I read it! And I stand by what I posted. If anyone I dated wanted to judge me based on my past, I'd think they were being ridiculous and would be turned off by the insecurity and short-sightedness. I don't want some guy to only want to go to bed with me because he has something to "teach" me. What's sexy is a guy who wants to LEARN. Then you must know it's not about "double standard", i already said i would be willing to accept if she had as much experience as me. And that it's not just about the "number of guys", it's also about choices made in life that are really different to what i have done in my own life (even myself being a guy). Even though i do admit i am attracted to innocence in a woman, its a turn on for me. I also like the feeling that when im doing something new, it's as new for the woman as it is for me. It just makes me feel special. That said, if you want yourself to teach to guys, its perfect. We don't all have the same tastes or preferences in life. But please don't come here and insult me. Thanks. Edited February 12, 2011 by wilson1 Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 That said, if you want yourself to teach to guys, its perfect. We don't all have the same tastes or preferences in life. But please don't come here and insult me. Thanks. I'm not insulting you at all! But I mean...you want a girl who "behaves like a nun?" Seriously? I had quite a bit more sexual experience than the last guy I was with, who didn't care one bit because it all happened BEFORE I MET HIM, and he was secure enough in himself and had enough of a sense of adventure that our sex was OUR sex! The lives we lived before we knew of one another's existence were of no consequence whatsoever, and shouldn't be. To limit ourselves because of numbers would have meant missing out on something beautiful for a very silly reason. Can't you see how incredibly insulting YOUR behavior was to HER?! Link to post Share on other sites
leftfordead2 Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 I don't get why you're so harsh on this guy. Everyone has their own preference as to what they want in a life partner and I'm sure you have too. Do you rather that he string her along? In ref to sedgwick's post above Link to post Share on other sites
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