i feel so empty

[arewehomeyet]

my life feels so empty and pointless.

 

i've been feeling this way for a while.

i don't remember feeling this way before.

i had hopes and dreams and determination.

i was passionate about my life and my future.

3 years ago i was at a really great place in my life.

i just graduated from a prestigious university with honors.

i was involved in a project that was really making head way, and gaining attention throughout the major city i live in.

i had friends around. not tons of close friends, but i knew enough people that when i threw a party, a 100+ would show up. some people still talk about my parties even years later.

i had a reputation.

don't get me wrong. life was not perfect. i'm not even sure i realized how good life was until the good was gone. looking back i now see these things.

 

then, i met a girl.

she was absolutely stunningly beautiful.

she had everyone's attention, particularly mine.

one thing lead to another, we were soon a couple.

 

it didn't take long for the "red flags" to start waving.

only, i had never dated someone with undiagnosed borderline personality disorder, so i didn't understand the warning signs. i was constantly trying to stabilize an unstable relationship.

at first i told myself we were just a summer fling. after all, she was too crazy to think of as a long term relationship.

but as time went on, so did our relationship.

i knew it was not a good idea when she asked me to move in with her.

but post grad status, my life was slowly changing. i no longer had my fun, cool roommates. i no longer had my academics to focus on. i couldn't find a job (start of recession), and my friends were dwindling into their own futures and their own relationships.

so i decided to move in with her. after all, i was falling in love and really wanted us to work out even though the better part of me knew it couldn't work. so i told myself i could always move out if it didn't work.

i was so wrong about that.

the next few years continued the downward spiral of my life. it was slow and gradual. i'm not entirely sure i recognized it's full demise until i hit rock bottom.

my girlfriend continued to emotionally (and sometimes physically) abuse me. i was under-employed for year and a half, working odd jobs just to get by (not the bright future i was reaching for). the few friends i had left were nowhere to be found. (hell, who would want to hang out with a toxic couple anyway). and that amazing project that i was apart of, well....it collapsed as well.

i found myself drinking too much, and feeling miserable that my life was on the wrong track.

at that point, i realized that my unhealthy relationship was helping to create an unhealthy, unfulfilling life.

so after 2 years of living together, i finally moved out.

the separation was a relief, but the relationship didn't end there.

we went back and forth for another year trying to make it work any way.

 

finally, over time, i fell out of love.

 

 

i was able to really let her go, and try to move on.

i wanted it. i needed it.

vowing a lesson learned- never put up with this kind of **** again. i've learned to set boundaries. i've learned what i want. i've learned what works and what doesn't work for me.

the relationship is over. i can't put an exact date on the end, as it happened slowly over time. we stopped having sex over a year ago. we had the break up conversation 7 months ago. and i stopped talking to her 3 months ago. although, to this day i receive text messages and frantic phone calls that go unreturned.

 

since this breaking up process has started, i've met a few new friends. got more comfortable with being single (and not dating). lots of alone time (too much alone time). even got a new project up and running again (and it's pretty exciting). landed a really great job.

 

but i'm left with the "now what" questions in life.

now what?

yes i want a healthy relationship

no i don't think i'm ready to jump into one.

yes i haven't had sex in over a year.

no i don't find anyone attractive.

 

my life feels empty.

the hopes and dreams that use to motivate me don't feel the same to me.

yet, i no longer have the drama of a toxic relationship to occupy my energy.

i want my life to move on, but i don't know what that means any more.

it's no longer about my ex. now, it's about me. who am i? what do i want?

none of it feels appealing regardless of the answer.

 

 

i'm asking for your advise on what to do now?

i've done the meet ups, i've done the "finding common hobbies to meet people", i've done the volunteering, i've put myself out there. i feel empty and not sure how to fill the void when it all feels so pointless any way.

 

ps. i have been seeing a therapist for the past two years to get to the root of why i accepted such a toxic relationship. which i have discovered and continue to address.

[stopthemadness]

my life feels so empty and pointless.

 

i've been feeling this way for a while.

i don't remember feeling this way before.

i had hopes and dreams and determination.

i was passionate about my life and my future.

3 years ago i was at a really great place in my life.

i just graduated from a prestigious university with honors.

i was involved in a project that was really making head way, and gaining attention throughout the major city i live in.

i had friends around. not tons of close friends, but i knew enough people that when i threw a party, a 100+ would show up. some people still talk about my parties even years later.

i had a reputation.

don't get me wrong. life was not perfect. i'm not even sure i realized how good life was until the good was gone. looking back i now see these things.

 

then, i met a girl.

she was absolutely stunningly beautiful.

she had everyone's attention, particularly mine.

one thing lead to another, we were soon a couple.

 

it didn't take long for the "red flags" to start waving.

only, i had never dated someone with undiagnosed borderline personality disorder, so i didn't understand the warning signs. i was constantly trying to stabilize an unstable relationship.

at first i told myself we were just a summer fling. after all, she was too crazy to think of as a long term relationship.

but as time went on, so did our relationship.

i knew it was not a good idea when she asked me to move in with her.

but post grad status, my life was slowly changing. i no longer had my fun, cool roommates. i no longer had my academics to focus on. i couldn't find a job (start of recession), and my friends were dwindling into their own futures and their own relationships.

so i decided to move in with her. after all, i was falling in love and really wanted us to work out even though the better part of me knew it couldn't work. so i told myself i could always move out if it didn't work.

i was so wrong about that.

the next few years continued the downward spiral of my life. it was slow and gradual. i'm not entirely sure i recognized it's full demise until i hit rock bottom.

my girlfriend continued to emotionally (and sometimes physically) abuse me. i was under-employed for year and a half, working odd jobs just to get by (not the bright future i was reaching for). the few friends i had left were nowhere to be found. (hell, who would want to hang out with a toxic couple anyway). and that amazing project that i was apart of, well....it collapsed as well.

i found myself drinking too much, and feeling miserable that my life was on the wrong track.

at that point, i realized that my unhealthy relationship was helping to create an unhealthy, unfulfilling life.

so after 2 years of living together, i finally moved out.

the separation was a relief, but the relationship didn't end there.

we went back and forth for another year trying to make it work any way.

 

finally, over time, i fell out of love.

 

 

i was able to really let her go, and try to move on.

i wanted it. i needed it.

vowing a lesson learned- never put up with this kind of **** again. i've learned to set boundaries. i've learned what i want. i've learned what works and what doesn't work for me.

the relationship is over. i can't put an exact date on the end, as it happened slowly over time. we stopped having sex over a year ago. we had the break up conversation 7 months ago. and i stopped talking to her 3 months ago. although, to this day i receive text messages and frantic phone calls that go unreturned.

 

since this breaking up process has started, i've met a few new friends. got more comfortable with being single (and not dating). lots of alone time (too much alone time). even got a new project up and running again (and it's pretty exciting). landed a really great job.

QUOTE

but i'm left with the "now what" questions in life.

now what?

yes i want a healthy relationship

no i don't think i'm ready to jump into one.

yes i haven't had sex in over a year.

no i don't find anyone attractive.

 

my life feels empty.

the hopes and dreams that use to motivate me don't feel the same to me.

yet, i no longer have the drama of a toxic relationship to occupy my energy.

i want my life to move on, but i don't know what that means any more.

it's no longer about my ex. now, it's about me. who am i? what do i want?

none of it feels appealing regardless of the answer.

 

 

i'm asking for your advise on what to do now?

i've done the meet ups, i've done the "finding common hobbies to meet people", i've done the volunteering, i've put myself out there. i feel empty and not sure how to fill the void when it all feels so pointless any way.

 

ps. i have been seeing a therapist for the past two years to get to the root of why i accepted such a toxic relationship. which i have discovered and continue to address.[/]

Wow soo sorry for your pain. But i gota tell you, the way you spelled that out was great. I feel like i got a play by play it was good reading. And yes the story sounds just like ALL of us on here in one way or another. But the end results are all the same. Heart ache and pain and trying to move on.I too ask myself "what now" and i can only hope that one day when am not looking the answer will just come. I too see a therapist, but I think am ready to quit. I kinda feel like I got this now. Not so sure my therapist feels the same way? Our time lines are kinda the same. So i know just where your at with this. The way your life was before you met the girl? That person that you used to be? Hes still in there! Ya hes been through some bull****. But hes gona come out just fine. Remember You, who You were before all the drama.The fact that you learned from that relationship is great. What doesnt kill you makes you stronger. Hang in there! Post here let it out. It helps. Theres a chat room on here too. Try that. Those people are great.

Edited February 8, 2011 by stopthemadness

[IfiKnewThen]

i echo the WOW..when i read this. you DO articulate yourself very well and i felt sad when reading your story. not because its pathetic (lol) because it's NOT..but because i can relate in an very odd way. i believe someone felt like this while in a relationship with me once. whew...either that or i have developed a serious complex lol.

 

i had different problems at the time (than your ex) which weighed someone down (i am beginning to believe )in the relationship..but if it's any comfort...they did move forward to live happily ever after. a new life, marriage , child the works. you can love someone but be worn down by events and the way you interact (or not)..etc.

 

you seem to understand yourself well, but you seem lonely. you have the things you longed for and missed back in your life...but not in your romantic life.

 

for some they can be happy with a career no family..etc. they need never get married..etc. for for others..who might be more romantic..and long for a different kind of companionship....your career is not enough.

 

first it would be best to (if you feel this way)..forgive yourself. forgive your ex too. we may have good intentions in relationships but not the right tools. there's a difference. and if your ex was truly sick with a "personality disorder" than understanding and forgiveness is probably also in order then too. she may need help. or maybe its was just a case of immaturity and emotionally dysfunctional. sometimes if you dont learn how to control your feelings...and had no real roll models...that can seem like a disorder...but likely just needs experience and maturity. anyway...the bottom line is..

 

is good..and even necessary to make peace with your past. also, it helps to turn to a higher power.

 

the hopes and dreams may not feel the same anymore because you might still want to share them with someone who can appreciate them and encourage them. your question was...what do i do now....

 

i would make my connections stronger with family and friends..because life is short. maybe reconnect with old friends. (keep writing.. youre a good writer)..and just give things time. you sound like youre a bit depressed. thats natural. stay away from drinking and drugs. that depresses people more and complicates their lives more and ruins lives...period. maybe plan a nice vacation. people usually meet someone special when they least expect it. give things time. everyone says you have to be happy with yourself. this is very true and to know yourself. but most people are not an island either and is nice to have a quality relationship. there is no perfect...but quality..of life relationship. God willing less stressful , more in common. i would also like to add...that the girl probably really did love you..even if it was dysfunctional. (try not to forget that and maybe remember something fondly out of it. i guess you miss her love too...to some degree...at least when it was good...or healthier...but i am sure she loved you in her way.

 

do some reading..sometimes..the therapist doesnt have all the answers all...its good to come here and talk to people you can relate to as well.

 

anyway good luck