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LC Journal by mm4


marqueemoon4

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Here's the backstory:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t258871/

 

I'm on day 9 of LC, as we have a 4yr old son together so NC is an impossibility. All I have left is the last resort technique which is most likely not going to work. 1yr of separation is in May, and most likely she will file then.

 

I want her back very much and still love her. I have changed a great deal for the better but it appears its too late. Also suspect she is seeing another man, as my son has dropped his name numerous times. She picks up our son today at 6pm. I'm not saying a word.

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I need to convince myself that being divorced from her is the best thing going forward. My feelings are strong the other way though.

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I'm the same. After he threw me a few crumbs the other week and we had actually had a talk and been civil, he has not turned for our 4yo son today. I am so angry again, I have been NC for 4 days and am going to be VNC from now on. V= virtually!

I don't blame you, hope it goes as well as you can expect.

 

BTW and off topic so I'm sorry, but I used to listen to Television when I was younger and loved that track! x

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I was just laughing about something she said.. summed our 8yr relationship by saying "it had its moments". F**k you.

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6pm handoff was uneventful. I owe her support for January, and she later texted me saying "don't you owe me a check?" I told her I'd get it to her asap. This whole thing is a business transaction to her. I love my son but seriously I wish I never met this person.

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Went through my support order, my God I owe her a lot of $$ by Feb 15th. Like the emotional loss of my family unit wasn't bad enough, add in attorneys fees, and support. What a nightmare.

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Home sick from work today, took two steps back. txt her and got a cold, annoyed response back. Looked at a message board I used to frequent and she still does, she had posted a pic of her all done up before she went out. On sunday night. She is so starved for attention.

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so basically I got totally used by someone who never really loved me, or she really did and I blew it. Which one is worse?

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I absolutely hate dealing with her, she's awful. Txt me asking if i can take our son sunday while she works during the day, overnight and take him daycare at 8am on monday (its her long weekend) She has a meeting after work 6pm-10pm. I work at 6am on monday morning, and I'm not losing 2hrs of pay so she can go out with her friends after the meeting.

 

I txt her back and said I can take him during the day and night but I have to work at 6am. She comes back with well can you go in late? I respond with: No. She txts back saying "ok nevermind". Let me also say that she would NEVER miss her precious job that pays nothing to do something like this, I did once already. So I asked "is there a reason you can't pick him up after the meeting?" She responds with 10pm is too late to pick him up". I'm like "he goes to bed at 9pm, its not a big deal". She said sorry he's in bed at 8pm when he's with me, 10pm is too late. So she is going to have her mom watch him again since she lives with them. I can't wait until she gets out into the real world and actually has to do things for herself.

 

I can almost GUARANTEE you its not that 10pm is too late, its that she is going out after her meeting though she'd never admit it. I'm really starting to hate her.

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dreamingoftigers

If she views it like a business transaction then you should as well. Don't do anything for this person that doesn't benefit you

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If she views it like a business transaction then you should as well. Don't do anything for this person that doesn't benefit you

 

oh its a business transaction for her alright.. I owe her thousands of dollars by Feb 15. And there is nothing I can get from her that would benefit me, short of some caring and understanding, which she isn't going to give.

 

how about those Flames? 3 straight!

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dreamingoftigers

MM4, where are you trying to go?

 

What are your next goals?

 

If you just sit in here blogging about what she is doing and how it hurts you, it can help you vent, but it needs to have a direction too, right? Or else it is just dwelling.

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MM4, where are you trying to go?

 

What are your next goals?

 

If you just sit in here blogging about what she is doing and how it hurts you, it can help you vent, but it needs to have a direction too, right? Or else it is just dwelling.

 

seemingly unattainable goal: avoid divorce and get another chance with my family

 

somewhat attainable goal: get over her and move on

 

very attainable goal: continue to build a strong bond between my son and I

Edited by marqueemoon4
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things took a turn for the worse. why am I so insecure that I need validation from someone who clearly does NOT care about me at all? Why won't I let it go? Why do I keep trying to get a positive emotional response from her? YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET IT. Come to terms with it. No matter I want from her, no matter how small, she will do everything in her power to make sure I don't get it. Thats just how she rolls. Its totally f**ked up, but its how it is. Why the hell can't I accept the woman who I thought loved me is long gone? Yes, I want her to care about our long relationship/marriage but she does not. I'm making a fool out of myself, I look terrible for not moving on at this point. I'm just hurting myself over and over and over.

 

I feel so lost and alone. I continue to mourn the loss of my family, but have to realize that it was MY dream, not hers. At this point I don't think its ego.. my pride and dignity are gone. I have no idea how to recover it. I didn't think anyone who once cared could stand by and let me go down the drain like this. I rarely asked anything of her, just to be there. She couldn't be further away at this point, and most likely forever.

 

She ceased to exist in my world a long time ago, I'm in love with a ghost. Its not about fault at this point.. I don't care whose fault it is, thats so not the point. I don't want to hate her, I don't want to be angry. I just want nothing more than to be able to deal with this sh*t situation and not let it control my life anymore. I'm struggling to find any solace by myself. I feel everything is coming apart, everything I built for over a decade is imploding around my ears. I've never felt this helpless in my entire life.

Edited by marqueemoon4
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rereading the post above from yesterday, wow, some serious drama. I do keep flip flopping back and forth between anger, disbelief, and sadness. My mind wants a neat, tidy explanation for why all this happened, and there really isn't one. Alot of it was my fault for sure, but it does take two. 6mos of this nonsense, and no end in sight. So many things I'm struggling with, I need to make a list:

 

1. missing my son, 10 days a month is just not enough

2. caring about my stbx even though she pretty much abandoned me after 8yrs together

3. how poorly I've dealt with the separation

4. being depressed again for the first time in 13yrs, being on meds for the first time ever

5. my behavior during the marriage- good provider, not so great husband

6. the complete indifference/contempt my stbx treats me with

7. how this whole thing has brought numerous other personal issues to the surface

8. the financial mess I'm in because of attorneys fees/support/out of network therapist/psychiatrist

9. how I'm losing friends because I can't seem to get over this

10. anxiety on whether I'll ever be able to trust anyone again

11. being pretty much alone except for visitation with my son

12. still having trouble sleeping

13. negative effect this has had on my performance at work (getting better)

14. that I'm so dumb I still think if I ask enough she will feel some sort of compassion for me, she totally won't

15. angry at myself for looking past numerous red flags and marrying her anyway hoping for the best

16. confidence completely shot

17. using poor judgement and doing things she'll use against me in divorce proceedings

 

oh, and I miss her.

Edited by marqueemoon4
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yes it is, thanks for the support.

 

last night I came to a startling conclusion. I was watching tv and it came to me.. my wife knew, she knew that if she left she was leaving for good this time. she knew that if she took my son and cut me out of her life it would be awful for me and I'd totally regret it. she tried to warn me a few times saying you're not going to like it if I leave, but I was defiant and over confident. i was so wrapped up in what I wasn't getting from her I totally neglected her needs. she didn't want to leave, she was hoping that warning me would be a wake up call. it wasn't. i thought since I supported her and my son i could do whatever I wanted and expected too much. i was too hard on her, she was doing her best. she started detaching and didn't even bother to mention it to me because she didn't think I'd care and it'd hurt her further.

 

she knew how painful real separation and divorce is.. she had seen it first hand with her parents and her friends. I knew nothing about it, my parents have been married for 47yrs, and I don't have any friends that are divorced. I wish she had shook me and said WAKE UP YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE IT ALL AND I PROMISE YOU WILL REGRET IT! She shouldn't have had to, and at that point I probably wouldn't have listened. Then to make matters worse I made one mistake after another when she finally left, did everything wrong. blamed her, cried, promised to change, got nasty, acted paranoid and said she used me.. you name it. i feel really, really dumb right now. she loved me, i totally pushed her right out of my life, probably for good. I think GIGS played a big role in my behavior as well.

 

even though its tragic to me i felt good when i figured this all out. its most likely not going to change anything with her....too much has happened. I can say that if I find love again I am going to cherish it. i'm proud of myself for objectively coming to this conclusion... i'm definitely an over analyzer. maybe it will help me move on in a positive way. I hope so.

Edited by marqueemoon4
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dreamingoftigers
yes it is, thanks for the support.

 

last night I came to a startling conclusion. I was watching tv and it came to me.. my wife knew, she knew that if she left she was leaving for good this time. she knew that if she took my son and cut me out of her life it would be awful for me and I'd totally regret it. she tried to warn me a few times saying you're not going to like it if I leave, but I was defiant and over confident. i was so wrapped up in what I wasn't getting from her I totally neglected her needs. she didn't want to leave, she was hoping that warning me would be a wake up call. it wasn't. i thought since I supported her and my son i could do whatever I wanted and expected too much. i was too hard on her, she was doing her best. she started detaching and didn't even bother to mention it to me because she didn't think I'd care and it'd hurt her further.

 

she knew how painful real separation and divorce is.. she had seen it first hand with her parents and her friends. I knew nothing about it, my parents have been married for 47yrs, and I don't have any friends that are divorced. I wish she had shook me and said WAKE UP YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE IT ALL AND I PROMISE YOU WILL REGRET IT! She shouldn't have had to, and at that point I probably wouldn't have listened. Then to make matters worse I made one mistake after another when she finally left, did everything wrong. blamed her, cried, promised to change, got nasty, acted paranoid and said she used me.. you name it. i feel really, really dumb right now. she loved me, i totally pushed her right out of my life, probably for good. I think GIGS played a big role in my behavior as well.

 

even though its tragic to me i felt good when i figured this all out. its most likely not going to change anything with her....too much has happened. I can say that if I find love again I am going to cherish it. i'm proud of myself for objectively coming to this conclusion... i'm definitely an over analyzer. maybe it will help me move on in a positive way. I hope so.

 

There, You got it. :)

It would seem that you are one of those real lucky folk that learn the hard way, me too.

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