still trying to cope, how long will it take?

[blagro]

Today is my ex's birthday and I had to fight back tears this morning. It has been 5 months since I have seen her or talked to her and I still hurts and I still think about her every day. She has been dating someone else for a while now and it is hard to think about her being with someone else other than me. I have realized that I made a mistake when I hurt her by not marrying her.

 

Is there any advice on how to get through this period? I mean how long is it going to take? Will I ever get over her? It doesn't seem like it took her very long to get over me because she is already in another relationship. Maybe she didn't love me as much as she thought she did.

 

It has been 5 months and I still feel pain everyday. I have started dating but I haven't met anyone that makes me feel like she did. I am getting a little frustrated. Is it too soon to start dating? I'm 33 and I feel like I am putting to much pressure on myself to meet someone because I do want to be married someday and have a family.

 

There is one girl that I have been seeing for about a month. Nothing real serious but I think that she wants to make it more serious. I still have feelings for my ex and I think about her when I am with this girl. I don't think that I am ready to jump into a relationship right now but then again maybe I haven't met that girl who really excites me.

 

I am tired of the bar scene and when I go out I get depressed. I don't have the easiest time meeting people because I am a little shy. It seems so hard to meet people nowdays. Where do singles meet other singles? Anybody have any suggestions. Thanks.

[Oxydol]

Do you not have friends and family with whom you can spend time? Why do you feell the need to go somewhere where singles can meets singles when it is obvious that you still think of your Ex when you are with other dates?

 

In my experience, hanging out with good people with positive energy is what is in order. You might also visit your family physician who might diagnose you with depression and can make recommendations on how to cope.

 

You are still grieving, and as with any other kind of loss in one's life...there is no official time limit on grief. It ends when it ends, and sometimes it's goes into hibernation only to resurface when you least expect it.

 

Ride out the storm. You're 33 years old and your life is far from over. There will probably be wonderful surprises in store.

 

Chin up.

[Thor]

In my experience, the time it takes to get over someone varies with each individual. Your ex may be one of those people that needs to be in another relationship to get over the last one that she had. That or she may be one of those people that can shed herself of all emotional ties almost instantaneously.

 

In your situation, it's probably too soon for you to be dating again. You're probably one of those types (and this is just my guess) that needs time to heal before you start another relationship or to date at the very least. You say it yourself that you feel like you're putting too much pressure on yourself to meet someone. That will happen when it does. In the meantime, you can immerse in the things that you like to do whether it is with friends or by yourself. Before you know it, you'll probably meet someone with similar likes and who knows from there.

 

And sorry if this last part sounds corny or a bit Yoda'ish but you'll meet someone when you do. I don't think there's a "good" place to meet anyone. That can happen when you least expect it, and almost always, it can happen when you're not even actively looking.

[blagro]

Thanks for the reply. I have been going to counseling for a while and it has helped with figuring out myself and how to be a better person. She has told me that it is a grieving process that I am going through and it might take time. Maybe I should take some more time to myself and not push myself so hard to meet someone. It does suck being alone though because I start thinking about things that upset me. All of my friends are married and have kids which doesn't help either. I see how happy they are and it gets me depressed because I don't have that in my life and I could have had it. Anyway thanks again for the support. This is a great forum for help and to give help.

[GIZMO]

If you don't mind me asking.. why did you not marry her? If you felt complete with her, what was the problem?

 

Did you realize what she has meant to you, after you lost her? Have you ever came out and told your ex what you feel now about her? You say she is not dating another man... and as other people have said, maybe she is just dating someone to just be with someone.. A lot of woman are like that. A lot of times, woman just need to have someone on there side..

 

I myself are in a similar situation, where I am kind of shy, and I do not know how to meet a lot of people, but I am not ready to date anyone either.. I have went out on a few dates, and it made me feel worse.. So I would prefer to just do my own thing, and when I finally find the right person, I will know with my heart that I am ready to date.. The girl you are seeing, is probable just a rebound.. Make sure you do not break her heart..

 

I hope this all makes sense, and remember we are all on this website because we have all had a broken heart.. Things will get better, just try and look out for number 1 right now, and that is you..

You are still very young, and there is no rush to find anyone right now.. .Take one day at a time..

 

Good luck and you know we are all hear for you..

[Fancy]

Hi blagro! I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. I've been there myself a few times and to say it's hellish is an understatement.

 

I, too, am wondering why you broke up with your girlfriend and didn't marry her.

 

Just because she's dating someone isn't a sign she's over you. You're dating someone and you still hurt, right?

 

Is there any chance of you two getting back together or have things gone too far?

 

As for advice.......first of all, I'd advise you to keep seeing your counselor, as it seems to have helped you. I think you're comparing yourself to your peers a little too much. So what if everyone else is married and has kids? Does that guarantee they're happy? By the divorce rate, I'd say no. You have to live your life by your timing and by your rules, not society's.

 

Another thing........it sounds to me like your heart truly isn't in it with this new girl. If you know nothing will ever come from this, why not do her a favor and save her some heartbreak by ending it with her now? There's no need in stringing her along and giving her false hopes just because you're lonely and pining. That's totally unfair to her.

 

Five months may seem like an eternity, but there's no timeline for grieving. It must be done in your own way. Just make sure this doesn't become a habit and sink yourself into a deep depression.

 

Do you go to church or belong to any clubs or organizations? There's still plenty of nice, single girls out there. Personally, I wouldn't try the club scene, but that's just me. You have to put yourself out there and meet new people, even if they turn out to only be friends.

 

Most importantly you have to look forward and not live in the past. Yesterday is over and done with. Don't spend precious time today rehashing yesterday. If you know it's over, them keep your eyes and your heart facing ahead to better days. Time will heal you. I know it's hard to believe, but it's true!

[blagro]

Thanks Gizmo and Fancy. I appreciate your replies. Nothing makes a person understand how much something means to them than losing it. I wasn't ready to give her the ring and she was and did not want to wait anymore. The pressure drove me nuts and I told her that I wasn't ready financially and emotionally because we weren't getting along. My financial situation at the time and the pressure she was putting on me affected our relationship to the point that we were fighting a lot.

 

If I look back on it now we should have seen a counselor. It would have helped. I hate myself for what I did because she loved me and I know that it hurt her and her family. Even though we didn't get along all of the time(how many couples do?) we had a lot of good times and I miss her friendship and caring personality tremendously. Losing a best friend and realizing how much you do truly love them has not been easy to get over.

 

Anyway it has been almost a month since I last cried. I am going to try to make it a month and that will be a milestone for me. As with this new girl I will let her know where I am emotionally and that I am not looking to get into a relationship but do enjoy her friendship. I am going to take more time to myself and enjoy the Fall. As always you guys are full of good advice and I like what Fancy said about if the world didn't suck we would fly off. That is good.