Used, led on, and lied to.

[decoy]

“I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had.”

 

I wouldn’t normally post this sort of thing on a public forum. But I was used, led on, and lied to by someone that I thought I loved… for almost four months. And I’m having trouble coming to terms with how I’m feeling.

 

Looking back, there were so many red flags. We had not known each other long, but we considered each other friends. In the beginning, he asked me what I was so afraid of when I would not tell him that I had feelings for him, and I said I was afraid of ruining our friendship. He knew before he ever kissed me that I could not have sex without surgery. That first kiss, out under the stars, was incredible. Sleeping in his arms was something out of a dream. We would lie in the grass together and just look up at the sky or skinny dip by the light of the moon. The time he was with me was bliss. But something wasn’t right. That first night he kissed me, he asked me if I wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend. I told him yes, I wanted to be more than friends. But he had not actually asked me to be his girlfriend. And after some time I realized that while he did consider us more than friends, he did not consider us to be an official couple either. I told him it was ok, but not to kiss me again unless he meant it. He said he really liked me, and cared about me, and kissed me again. We went as far as second base in the time we were together.

 

Then he had to go away. We stayed in contact by texting all day, every day. It started with a 'good morning' every morning and ended with a 'good night' every night. We would instant message or web cam into the wee hours of the morning... midnight, one, three, even five. Then I found out about a girl that had a crush on him. I knew they'd been hanging out a lot. One night he lied about where he was at. I knew he was alone with her, at her house, watching a movie, but he had told me that he was out with friends and couldn't be near his phone. I was confused why he would lie to me. So I finally asked him about her. He said she was just a friend, and that he was bored and she was the only person that had time to hang out. That night we made the agreement that we would not be mad if the other person found someone else, someone who could be there in the flesh, who they wanted to pursue. But we would tell the other person. And he promised that I would be the first person to know if he found someone else that he wanted as a girlfriend.

 

Things went back to normal and were very good for several weeks. Then our conversations began to change. They were almost entirely sexual. He would ask me to take my clothes off on the web cam, which I told him repeatedly I would not do for someone who was “just a friend.” Then out of nowhere, he told me he felt bad and was using me. He said that I was “a flower that he had picked, and kept to himself, and looked at, and looked at some more, and played with, but not done anything with.” He told me not to get my hopes up until he told me that he wanted me. He also said that he was confused why he wasn't with me because he wasn’t with anyone else. It hurt me very deeply and I did not talk to him for several days. But he tried very hard to win me back so I forgave him and took him back. A week later, he told me he loved me. But I did not know what to say back. I had loved him for weeks now and only been hurt by him. How could he love me if he didn’t even know if he wanted to date me?

 

Once again, things went back to normal... until he got a new job. He didn’t have time to text and web cam and instant message like he used to. That was ok, I understood, but I sensed that something else was wrong. He was hanging out with that girl a lot again. I could tell she had feelings for him. I asked him about her, and he only admitted that yes she liked him. I was seeing a counselor for some issues I was having at the time and she told me that she thought the relationship was unhealthy and I should stop communicating with him for a week. It was very hard but I succeeded in not responding to his texts for a week. He finally got me to talk to him online and every night we talked again. But then I heard he sent her flowers. When I asked him about it, he got mad that someone had told him and was making him look bad. I was frustrated that he was only concerned with who told me, so I stopped talking to him. He called me, said he was worried about me because I was one of his “kids.” By “kid” he was referring to how we met, he was leading a wilderness survival/service program that I was participating in.

 

These words hurt me deeply. I wanted to know if he treated all his “kids” like he treated me. Did he stick his tongues in their mouths, sleep with his arms around them, send them dirty texts, tell them he loves them, or ask them to undress on web cam? I highly doubted it. I was silent and he tried to fix his mistake by changing it to “really good friend” but the damage was done. I had nothing else to say to him. So he said goodbye and hung up the phone. It was his birthday the next day, so I stayed up to text him happy birthday right at midnight although I was still hurting. The next day I awoke to find a message posted by the other girl on his Facebook. She said “in case anyone was wondering, yeah he sent me flowers and yeah we’re dating, does anyone have a problem with it. I was shocked by the insensitivity and immaturity.

 

I called him and said we had to talk, but he said his phone was dying so we got on instant messenger to talk. I asked him if he knew why I was upset. He said he did. I asked him if it was true. He said it was. I told him that I hope someday he can learn that leading someone on isn’t right, that I wished he’d been man enough to tell me the truth instead of letting me find out the way I had, and that I sincerely hoped he was happy. He claimed he wanted me to be happy too, and I asked if she knew about us. He told me that yes she knew we had been talking “off and on” and I was appalled that he would consider the last four months of my life to be just “off and on.” At the time I had nothing left to say to him. He apologized profusely for hurting me and violating my trust, then said he did not deserve to speak with me and left.

 

It has been over three weeks now and I have not contacted him. And to my relief, he has not attempted to contact me either. Although I sometimes see him online and it hurts.

 

I’ve never been hurt like this by someone that I loved. I realize now that I did not truly love him, I loved the lie that he was making me think he was. Some nights I have irrational thoughts and I wonder what is wrong with me that I wasn’t good enough for him. I also wonder what he ever got out of playing me, since he knew I could not have sex. I terribly miss the friendship we once had, even though I know it was lies. And I miss feeling his touch, kissing him, the embrace of his arms, his laugh, and his voice. Then I get terribly angry because of what he did to me, and there are so many things that I wish I had said. And I start thinking horrible thoughts. I don’t want to sound conceited, because that is not who I am, but people consider me to be very “attractive” and because of this I attract a lot of the wrong type of guy. The girl he is with now is very unattractive and unfortunate looking and I start wondering why he would choose her over me. And I HATE having those terrible thoughts because I am not the type of person that would say or think such a thing! And sometimes I feel jealous although I know he isn’t worth it. I don’t want to be angry and jealous anymore.

 

Two of his ex’s and several other people have come up to me after this incident to apologize for not warning me months ago. They thought if they warned me I would write them off as being bitches and ignore everything they said. I probably would have. The things they have told me about him are very upsetting. Apparently he has told me many, many lies. I don’t want to get into details but I am not the person he has used.

 

Like I said before, I wouldn’t usually post something this personal online. But the death throes of love are painful and sometimes family and friends are not enough. Sometimes you need to turn to strangers with the hope that they can offer unbiased advice. I’ve shared my story so that you might have a glimpse of the lie that I lived for so long. And with that glimpse, perhaps you will have the wisdom to escape a similar fate. And maybe - just maybe - the sour taste of lies in your mouth will keep you from doing the same to somebody else.

 

“If he was stupid enough to walk away be smart enough to let him go.”

 

“I wish he meant it when he kissed me because then I could look back and see someone who loved me. But I can only go back and see someone who used me.”

 

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love.”

 

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

Edited November 12, 2010 by decoy

[alwayshoping]

Wow. I'm so sorry he put you through that.

 

He's an idiot. You deserve so much better and tbh sex isn't all that important anyway so he should have committed to you.

 

It's a good thing we found out the truth sooner rather than later.

But I know that wont make things feel better.

 

Okay, I didnt really mean to write all the above, it just came out.

 

What I wanted to say is Thank you. Your story and especially your last few quotes really touched me. It has really made me feel alot better about my situation.

 

I'm sorry I can't be more help to you. But I know that these things are all a lesson. Whether we choose to learn from them is our choice. I just want to say thanks for letting me learn from your story.

 

I know your going to find a real man, one who actually commits and loves you for who you are so good luck and remember it's not the destination but the journey that's the best part x

[Eeyore79]

The way you describe it, you sound very young and he sounds like an older man, a sexual predator who takes advantage of young women.

 

How old are you, and how old is he?

[decoy]

Thank you both for the kind words.

 

I am an adult by law. Still in college. He is four years older than myself.

 

And I noticed some typing errors in my post, sorry about that, if there is anything that doesn't make sense just let me know.

Edited November 13, 2010 by decoy