Jefferson12 Posted August 20, 2003 Share Posted August 20, 2003 How many Guys and Girls in good relationships... where someone leaves because they claim they need to "Find Themselves", end up back together? Can you ever trust that person never to leave again? Can you trust that person's Love to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted August 20, 2003 Share Posted August 20, 2003 Speaking from my own experience, I would say the chances of getting back together are slim to none. I was in an 8 year relationship and left for those same reasons. They mostly stemmed from being with him since I was 16 and I never got to "live" my youth. Once I was free, I partied, dated lots of guys, experienced what sex was like with another person, and basically just did my own thing without having the responsibility of someone else in my life. I think we need this because we need to see what else is out there and it basically helps us to grow as people. I realized what I wanted in a person by dating many different guys. I realized that my ex-boyfriend wasn't the one for me. I am happy I separated from him when I did. I never thought I would ever be able to find anyone else like him but low and behold I found that there are a lot of nice guys out there. Also, I discovered that what my ex-boyfriend was like was totally the opposite of what I wanted in a person. I am lucky enough to have found the love of my life now. It was only after truly being on my own, discovering who I am and what I like in order to truly appreciate just what my boyfriend means to me. I seriously thank my lucky stars everyday that I found him. Who knows, maybe someday you'll feel the same way about someone else! Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted August 20, 2003 Share Posted August 20, 2003 All too often, and I have discovered this in my own life as well, when people are in what seems to be a good relationship from one partner's point of view, it is NOT the case for the other. In such an instance, the one who is seeing the troubles has a tendency to begin to withdraw from their partner, grow somewhat introspective, and decide that they cannot "figure themselves out" with another person there all the time. This is valid and quite true in almost every case that this happens. Chances are both people could use the time and space to realize what they really want. And they ought to take that time and space to sort out not only what they want, but what they can do to acheive those goals. Not to mention that separation may allow for a catharsis that both parties may need desperately. There is always a <very small!> chance that in the time people spend apart they will realize that they actually had what they wanted. If luck is with them, and a willingness to make things work, then those few folks will have a great relationship to work with. Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted August 20, 2003 Share Posted August 20, 2003 i am thinking that if someone told me they wanted to break up to find themselves, they just are trying to be nice and say they want out, or they dont think this is what they want.... so there you have it....... Link to post Share on other sites
Oxydol Posted August 20, 2003 Share Posted August 20, 2003 Most of the time, but not all, people "want to find themselves" because they think that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. They often find this only to be a pipedream. Link to post Share on other sites
tommyboy Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 I was involved with a married woman who said she too needed to find herself as she felt deep inside she needed to return to the person she is. Now wether or not she did that I am not sure as she ended up coming in after 4 1/2 years of being involved to tell me she needed to say "good bye". This was just a week prior. I think people that say they need to find themselves might be saying they aren't sure what they want and say that to the person they may not want to be with to serve as notice for the final goodbye. I hope I'm wrong! Link to post Share on other sites
Oxydol Posted September 21, 2003 Share Posted September 21, 2003 When someone says they need to "find themself" it usually means "I think there is something better out there than you, but when I find that not to be the case, I'll be back." Link to post Share on other sites
OucHmyHearT Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 my ex told me she needed time to "find herself" and stated that it was JUST for herself...she didnt want to be in a relationship with anyone...if she wanted any guy it would be me...but she needed "her" time...so what did she do? Go out...meet some guys....eventually got close to the guy...something happened.....then later she meets another guy....so here i am....=( Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 Most of the time the "I need to find myself" speech is because they have lost themselves in the relationship and want out. My ex-boyfriend of 8 years, I gave the same speech to and it was true. I was with him since I was 16 and left him when I was 24. I needed the growing years. The years where you find yourself by going out, have a good time with many people, date different guys and get to know about yourself and what you want out of life. Many people question why people need this time. Well, if a person needs this time when they are in a relationship, then they need it because of the relationship. Relationships that are unbalanced can be draining and stifling which causes these feelings to surface. It's a fact of life and it happens more times than anyone can count. Usually it's an indication that the relationship is over, for good. It's no surprise she moved on to another guy. Don't take it personally. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 Pretty much impossible not to take it personally. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 Kevin, I understand it's impossible not to take it personally but these things happens and perhaps it's time to find the strength to move on and learn from the experience. Seriously, the only way we truly learn is from our own mistakes. Then when we're faced with the same circumstances in the future we know how to handle it better. That's a part of life. If we were all born perfect, what a boring place this would be. Learning is part of living! Link to post Share on other sites
OucHmyHearT Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 wow...8 years is a long time.... i guess what really bothers me is...how some people tell me that...oh...everyone goes through this with their first.... its like...dammit...just because she was my first and we were so young are we jinxed to not be able to be together for a long time...is it inevitable that we have to break up and see other people... Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 No, you aren't jinxed but the odds are highly against you. When I was young I used to believe that my ex and I would and could last forever. However, I was horribly wrong because when you're that age, you are just entering into becoming an adult. There is still a lot of growing to do and discovering who you are, etc etc... There's a big chance you're going to bloom into someone not compatible with your partner and go down another road in life. It's more common now a days then years ago (like when our grandparents and parents were growing up) because women are treated equally and we go to college now, vote, and have our own careers. It leaves many possibilities for both male and female whereas traditionally the woman stayed at home and raised the family. Do you understand where I'm going with this? Anyway, that's basically the jist of why young serious relationships typically don't last. Sometimes they do, but it's a rarity these days. The best you can do is wait and let her do her thing and if she comes back to you, so be it but if not, it just wasn't meant to be. In the meantime I would work on moving on yourself. You'll be amazed at how many great people there are out there! Link to post Share on other sites
CamusShotMyLastHope Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 When my girlfriend told me she needed to find herself, it really meant she wanted to indulge in instantly gratifying hedonistic behavior without having to suffer any consequences. No offense to Leikela, but what she said about needing to go out and discover yourself through other people is a total lie. Most intellectually weak people prefer to follow this route as it requires less thought. it is like stabbing yourself to make sure in hurts instead of following logical conclusions. Experience is wonderful and enlightening, but the only experience it seems one would break up with another, is to engage in degenerative acts. The truth is, you can find out who you are by what you desire, enjoy, think, feel and how you act based on that. Granted, you need experience to know these things, but if you lust for the kind of experience that is forbidden between you and your partner, then you do not deserve to be with him/her, as your want for it is just as bad as you acting upon it. Searching for yourself via this kind of behavior is much like looking for something that you know is in your pocket, but still span the entire globe because it feels good, only then looking in your pocket. For the person, it is an excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted October 23, 2003 Share Posted October 23, 2003 Campus, I am not offended. That's how you perceive it, so be it. You call it an excuse, and maybe for your gf it was, but it's not for everyone!! You cannot judge everyone on your own experience because experiences DO differ. There is only a certain level of growing you can do within the confines of a relationship when you are that young. No buts about it!! When you are committed to someone you have to respect them and their wishes and not cross any boundaries. This can be restrictive depending on the person. Going out with friends and not having to "keep tabs" or be responsible for your SO sitting at home is a great feeling. How is hanging out with friends, wanting to flirt, party, date different guys and just enjoy life horrible behavior?? Doing these things within a committed relationship is inappropriate. The way you describe "growing" for one person might not be the way EVERYONE goes about doing things. I am sorry that it wasn't that way with your gf but it's unfair to hold these same standards on everyone else. I made the right move by leaving my boyfriend. I seriously needed him out of my life in order to find my way and along the way, I found the greatest guy in the world and I could not be happier. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyX Posted October 23, 2003 Share Posted October 23, 2003 I'm in the process now of "finding myself" after a disappointing relationship ended 2 years ago. This term is significant to me because I tend to lose my own identity when I'm in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
OucHmyHearT Posted October 23, 2003 Share Posted October 23, 2003 yah...my ex told me that too....that she wanted to find herself...and find out who she was...she said she's not herself..or loses her identity when she has an attachment (me)..so yah....one of the main things why its so hard is that....after 3 years....here i am sulking....which i shouldnt be doing...but i am anyways...and she's out having fun....dating guys...doin her own thing....seems like its not affecting her at all... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts