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Thinking over and over and over and over...


BeagleGal

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... I hate how I torture myself by contantly obsessing over my ex, our breakup and the betrayal.

 

Normally with most breakups, someone ends it or both parties end it, move on and that's it. In my case, this breakup or the aftermath of it seems to be stretching on. We work for same company so I hear at times trickles of information regarding him (FYI, I dont look for the info and I've asked that no info be passed onto me re him). I see his friend every so often as he lives about 2mins away from me. My ex's new baby is being born in Oct with the woman he cheated on me with and married just over a month ago.

 

I think about his lies, his callousness, his deception - even up until 2 months ago when I last heard from him, he was still trying to deny and lie about what his situation was (pregnant OW/getting married). I beat myself up over how I allowed myself to fall so deep for someone so manipulative and not following my gut from the very start when I wasn't sure about him.

 

I remember when the wedding day was approaching, I was feeling like how I am now. Obsessing over it, feeling anxiety over it, feeling devastated and depressed as it was just a reminder of what how he hurt me. Now, with the birth not far off, I am starting to feel that way again. Dreading it, dreading people talking about it, feeling stressed over it, remembering how once upon a time, my ex and I discussed our future with a possible wedding and kids. And how easily replaced I was (they got engaged within 2 - 3 weeks of my ex dumping me b/c she got pregnant so quickly and while he was still living with me).

 

I see a therapist to help with my shattered self esteem, feelings of rejection, loneliness - everything. My friends have been a great support and I do write in a journal about how I'm feeling and all that. But I still can't stop this obsessive thinking especially with a major event coming up soon, another reminder of how this man has f*cked me over.

Edited by BeagleGal
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I really feel for you- its very hard when you have to still share the same area. Is there any way you could re-locate ? I know you may feel "why should I?" but perhaps being in a different area would give you some closure- so that you can get on with your life and not need to keep worrying about bumping into them/hearing about them.

If not then hold your head high in public and let the world know how calm and fine you are (you can let your feelings go at home).

Some people are not worth worrying about but as a fellow dumpee I know how badly it hurts. Be kind to yourself- nows the time to do what YOU would like to do- start up new hobbies and re-discover old ones. It will help take your mind off how you feel.

As for your ex- you've had a lucky escape- think about how badly he's treated you- you deserve better!:)

He sounds a complete dirtbag and I bet you it won't be long before he cheats on her as well.:p

Take care of yourself and remember we're all here for you:bunny::bunny:

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Thank you, worlybear...

Thankfully, he works at a different office. But still, with people from his office calling me about us/him, and people here at my office talking about it as well... it gets to be too much. And again, it does me no good.

I have thought about asking to relocate to a different city/province but I've also thought about relocating period and am looking into that right now.

Surprisingly, I've not bumped into him nor her even though her office is a skip, hop and a jump away from mine. But yes, that's what I've been doing - is just holding my head high and acting like I'm totally cool with it all despite how gutted I feel.

I know he's not worth me thinking about but again, with the birth of his new kid coming up, I can't help but obsessively think about everything and what he's done to me.

I have thought about going back to school part-time, going back to painting after so many years, getting a bike :)... productive things to get me moving forward.

Yeah I agree I've had a lucky escape, I do. I guess I'm still stuck at times at the "why me?" stage. He's not a good person. Anyone who is capable of doing what he's done and feeling no ways about it is a dirtbag.

 

Thanks again, worlybear - your words mean a lot :D

 

I really feel for you- its very hard when you have to still share the same area. Is there any way you could re-locate ? I know you may feel "why should I?" but perhaps being in a different area would give you some closure- so that you can get on with your life and not need to keep worrying about bumping into them/hearing about them.

If not then hold your head high in public and let the world know how calm and fine you are (you can let your feelings go at home).

Some people are not worth worrying about but as a fellow dumpee I know how badly it hurts. Be kind to yourself- nows the time to do what YOU would like to do- start up new hobbies and re-discover old ones. It will help take your mind off how you feel.

As for your ex- you've had a lucky escape- think about how badly he's treated you- you deserve better!:)

He sounds a complete dirtbag and I bet you it won't be long before he cheats on her as well.:p

Take care of yourself and remember we're all here for you:bunny::bunny:

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I'm sorry you are dealing with this BG. I went through something similar with my exH knocking up a waitress while on a business trip. The only good thing about it was that she lived so far away, and he worked so far away- that I didn't have to see them together or hear about it from anyone.

 

You should be the one walking about with your head held high. They are the ones that should be ashamed. I seriously don't understand why people feel the need to relay information that they know could be painful for a person! But I know office's can be like highschool at times.

 

Have you seriously looked into a transfer? A change of scenery could do wonders for you and give you a much needed fresh start. The problem with being where you are is that you are are all functioning in the same zone! It makes it hard to get over something when you are faced with it constantly. Heck, I know if it were me, I'd have anxiety about running into him/her all the time. Who needs that!?

 

I don't know why, but I felt embarrassed about people knowing my situation. I didn't want anyone feeling sorry for me:o

 

You will get through this- but maybe in order to do so quicker, you should seriously consider removing yourself from the situation?

 

Hugs.

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Thanks, D. You're lucky in that regard that they were not close to you. But augh, what a sh*tty thing to go through. It seems like you're doing better now.

 

I totally agree with you. And I've been doing good in keeping quiet (well the past couple of months) and just acting like I got it together. At first when we broke up (before I found out everything) I had agreed with my ex that we would keep it out of worklife. But when a coworker told me what was going on, I didn't keep my mouth shut much longer. I knew the only reason why he wanted to keep our split quiet or tell ppl it was "mutual" is so he didnt look like the bad guy. People started putting two-and-two together and were realizing what he had done.

 

Our company is notorious for gossip. He never came clean to what was going on, even after I confronted him minutes after my coworker told me the truth about why he left me and all, he still wouldn't admit to anything. Still contacted me as if nothing, still was trying to keep me on the backburner in case this new relationship busted.

 

I am totally considering asking for a transfer. I need it. I need to get out. Toronto is not a big enough city for me, him and his new wife and the gossipers in between. Its too much and I honestly don't know how I've come this far without completely losing my sh*t.

 

People at work pitied me and also supported me. My boss and his fiancee helped me out a lot. When my ex pushed me out of the house, with nowhere to go, my boss took me and my dog in. Because I had given everything up when I moved in with my ex, my boss gave me a TV, a futon and anything else I needed. Other people I think were silently backing me up as well, the more came out. But I too, felt embarrassed as well. How could I not? I didnt want anyone thinking that his cheating and bullsh*t was a reflection of me, I didnt' want people talking about me behind my back and feeling sorry for me. But it happened anyways. And aside from a few people I can confide in at work, I kept quiet. Because I didnt want anyone accusing me of being jealous, psychotic or bitter...

 

So yes, I've come to realize that to help me get over this quicker is to get out. Its something I need to do and want to do and will see what my options are.

 

Thanks D-Lish for sharing your story and giving me advise. :)

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this BG. I went through something similar with my exH knocking up a waitress while on a business trip. The only good thing about it was that she lived so far away, and he worked so far away- that I didn't have to see them together or hear about it from anyone.

 

You should be the one walking about with your head held high. They are the ones that should be ashamed. I seriously don't understand why people feel the need to relay information that they know could be painful for a person! But I know office's can be like highschool at times.

 

Have you seriously looked into a transfer? A change of scenery could do wonders for you and give you a much needed fresh start. The problem with being where you are is that you are are all functioning in the same zone! It makes it hard to get over something when you are faced with it constantly. Heck, I know if it were me, I'd have anxiety about running into him/her all the time. Who needs that!?

 

I don't know why, but I felt embarrassed about people knowing my situation. I didn't want anyone feeling sorry for me:o

 

You will get through this- but maybe in order to do so quicker, you should seriously consider removing yourself from the situation?

 

Hugs.

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I know you're right and you know what's funny is that lately, I've been doing alright. Anytime, I thought of him I reminded myself what a POS he is and that I'm better off. But I think because of recent events (him just getting married last month, his new baby with OW-turn-W is happening next month), its a constant reminder of his betrayal. I hear about his and her life and I can't help but feel that was suppose to be him and I. In a weird way I almost feel like "fate" has cheated me out of getting married to this guy I loved with all my heart, when in reality, I've been spared.

 

We all know what it is like to replay the same scenes in your mind over and over again and again. If I were in your case, I would try to focus on the fact that this guy was obviously a piece of trash and that you dodged a bullet by not spending a more time with him -- much less getting married.
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My ex is an assh*le. He's done nothing but lied since this whole thing went down. His contacting me was I'm sure, behind the new girl's back (calling me at like 2am or 4am, texting me at times I'm sure she wasn't around), lying about his situation to me and why he really broke up with me. Asking to meet for drinks and when I bring up his new girl and how she wouldnt like it, he tells me "he's allowed to do whatever he wants"...

A week before his wedding, his friend, well our friend now I guess, texted me to see how I was doing and told me that the new girl "is just a wallet to him".

 

Sigh. Its hard. I don't know what to think anymore.

 

I know what you mean. In the weeks leading up to our dissolution, my double-ex asked me questions like "do you think we'll ever get married" and "what kind of a wedding do you think you would want". That was two weeks before she left me for the man she fell in love with a first sight.

 

Given that I was ready to commit, but evidentially waited too long, I too feel like "fate" has cheated me out of the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with the only woman I've ever felt I was "meant" to be with. It really, really, really, really sucks. Just take heart in the fact that your ex at least sounds like a trashy guy, my ex is the most wonderful person I've ever met.

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HA! Yeah that's a start... and yes it shoudl help! like I said, BiA, lately I've been okay... its just with these events having happened/happening, I can't help but be reminded of his deceit.

 

I hope once the birth is done and over with, that's the end of it all. I dont know how much more I can handle...

 

I try not to take his cheating personally as in the end, this is the kind of person he is and its an issue he has.

 

How about you think that he is a manipulative piece of trash who is going to end up lonely because he will, eventually, do the same thing or something similar to the woman he is with currently? That should help!
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