*She* Stopped By

[BiAxident]

There I was, minding my own business, sulking in bed after having been dumped Monday by the only woman I've wanted for the past 10 years, when who should happen to call my cell phone? Yep, her. She came called to let me know she was in my driveway, there to return all my things.

 

So, I went out to meet her. It was a bright, sunny day. She got the stuff out of the trunk, then set it down and spread her arms out to give me an embrace. Pride told me not to take it -- but my heart was much stronger.

 

It was terrible, she fit in my arms so well, and she wasn't in any rush to leave. I ran my hands up and down her back, memorizing the contours that I'll probably never feel ever again. Tears started streaming down my face as I looked at the clear blue sky.

 

My brain traced back everything that we had shared over the past four months, and the two years previous to that, and the thirteen years previous to that. All the joy and laughter and love, culminating in this one final moment.

 

She tried to reassure me that everything would turn out alright, that I would meet someone else even better than her. She tried to explain how she went from talking about marrying me a month ago, to marrying this guy over the course of a single weekend. She tried to explain her love for him -- I told her that she didnt have to, I already understood. She loves him, the way that I love her.

 

We embraced several more times over the next five minutes or so, my chest heaving from trying to keep from busting down into full blown crying. She helped me carry my stuff inside, talked about wanting to get together sometime to hang out. We shared one final hug, and then she left.

 

My eyes followed her until she got into her car, then shot to the floor so she wouldnt have to watch my sobbing. Seventeen years, all leading up to that one moment. It is going to live on as one of the worst memories of my life, one that I will mentally relive time and time again. Coping is hard.

 

http://tinychat.com/myrelationship

[skydiveaddict]

God, that must have been painful.. I would have told her just to leave it on the porch. But what's done is done. Never put yourself through that again. It's just too painful and it doesn't do anyone any good especially you.

 

My ex left a message on my phone last week "I hear you're shipping out for Afghanistan again soon please be careful, I love you". I should have never even listened to it but I did. And my heart got smashed all over again. Let's both promise each other we won't make the same mistake again. It's the only way to let go. No more contact. I'm sorry you're hurting.

[witabix]

That sounds awful. I am so sorry for you.

 

Our hearts sometimes will not give up hope, even when there is no hope.

 

I could feel my own emotions running up as I read your post.

 

Time is the best healer, an old cliché I know. The memories will not be quick to depart, hopefully the pain will leave more rapidly.

[Tayla]

Things are drawn to us not by our wants but by our needs, You needed to experience this. No one said what we experience is to be pleasant, but it is Life learning lessons. As well you portrayed.

 

There are things in life that I wouldn't wish on folks, but having loved someone and grown from it is something I wish for many , even with the separational departure....ITs how we handle it and what we do with it on future times.

 

May you heal quickly and grow wisely

[commonlife]

She tried to reassure me that everything would turn out alright, that I would meet someone else even better than her.

 

Bitch!!!!!!!

I am sorry it had to some out but who knows better than you what you need. they keep saying this crap about not being good enought for you that you need someone better. **** off I know what I need no?

[Darren Steez]

talked about wanting to get together sometime to hang out.

What a condescending....

[Binster]

Sorry pal I know your in a bad way. But after this try and have no contact with her, it's the best thing for you.

[Simon Attwood]

She tried to explain how she went from talking about marrying me a month ago, to marrying this guy over the course of a single weekend.

 

She dumped you 3 days ago and is already talking of marrying another man?

 

There will be new chapters to this story, I feel.

 

Above all, have courage

[LostInTurn]

I agree. This entire situation is ridiculous.

 

I know you're upset. I understand what it means to feel as though you've met someone you feel close with. However, this person does not deserve the upsets and pain you're going through.

[bonpaw2008]

Big Hug Bi - been thinking about you and hope you are doing ok.

 

I know one of these days you are going to know that this girl was never worthy of you. Someone who falls in and out of love so quickly will never know what real love is. Stay strong buddy.

[Simon Attwood]

She dumped you 3 days ago and is already talking of marrying another man?

 

There will be new chapters to this story, I feel.

 

Above all, have courage

 

 

Now that i have read a few of the back posts, my hunch is confirmed, you have a serial runner on your hands with commitment, intimacy, attachment and abandonment issues. Her controlling ways are her ways of trying to compensate for the anxiety she feels within a relationship.

 

trying to piece everything together from your previous threads is kinda making my head spin, so it might be useful to provide a summary of the turmoils you have experienced in your relationship with this woman.

 

She sounds of the Avoidantly Attached type (god I hate types). And I'd be curious if you have heard any stories about her early life experiences, most notably any traumatic experiences involving separation from her mother or an emotionally distant mother, or any similar traumatic experiences from her early life.

[BiAxident]

trying to piece everything together from your previous threads is kinda making my head spin, so it might be useful to provide a summary of the turmoils you have experienced in your relationship with this woman.

 

For the first eight years I knew her, she was simply a good friend. I had a massive crush on her, but couldnt imagine she would ever be interested. In 1998 she moved three hours away to attend school, and I figured that I would never see her again.

 

In early 2000, she wrote me an e-mail saying that she had been "thinking about me a lot lately". Turns out, she was having troubles with her BF (she caught him masturbating to porn, and he admitted to fantasizing about her sisters). So, she came out to visit me for the weekend, and things became sexual -- my first such experience. She then visited again, unannounced, the next week, having driven three hours to do so.

 

Eventually, after adequately punishing her BF, they decided to work things out. He would become very upset at the mention of my name, so for two years I didn't hear from her. This is when my obsession really started. I was utterly infatuated with her.

 

I was allowed to visit her once in 2002. We hung out for a day at her place, under the condition that I had to be gone by the time her BF got home from work. Again, I thought I would never see her again. We hung out again at a music festival in 2004 -- me, her, and her boyfriend.

 

In 2005, she finally broke up with the guy after seven years and moved back closer to where I am, but started dating another guy right away. Eventually, they broke up, and she agreed to be my date for a wedding. While at the wedding, she got the # of one of my friends, and they started dating. She had to know how I felt, I had explained it before. I was crushed.

 

Three months later, February 04, 2006, she showed up on my doorstep, crying that she missed our friendship, asking if she could have it back. I said no because "I didnt just want to be friends with her". She said, "what if I'm finally ready to try dating you?" -- and so it was. The happiest two years of my life. We moved in together in September of 2007.

 

On March 25, 2008, I woke up in the morning and came downstairs. She was home sick from work and said we needed to talk. Then, she told me that the relationship "wasnt working" for her and dumped me on the spot, no negotiation, no ultimatums, just done. I felt her reasons were valid. So I swept my the pieces of myself, joined LS, and went NC.

 

She tried to contact me several times to be friends, once that summer, once again the following March, and again last summer. Eventually, in March of this year, I called her back, thus beginning everything that has started now.

 

She said that she had made a giant mistake in leaving me, spent several weeks trying to convince me that we could make it work. Then, she got impatient and signed up for the online dating service. After letting me twist in the wind for a month, she chose me. Four weeks later, she left me again.

[BiAxident]

She sounds of the Avoidantly Attached type (god I hate types). And I'd be curious if you have heard any stories about her early life experiences, most notably any traumatic experiences involving separation from her mother or an emotionally distant mother, or any similar traumatic experiences from her early life.

 

She grew up in a large, Mormon family with eight siblings. Her father was emotionally and physically abusive -- as well as too proud to take any job he could find in order to suport his family. He had an MBA, but refused to bend under someone elses authority, so they grew up very poor. As a result, almost all her siblings went on to work very hard in school, two of them work for Microsoft.

 

In 1998 or so, she was raped by a guy that she went to highschool with in her apartment. When she told her boyfriend about it, he didn't believe her, and cheated on her. She dumped him and started dating his best his friend, so her ex stalked them both for several months. Eventually, he was arrested.

 

To her credit, she didn't let it stop her. She still graduated valedictorian of her class at school, got a huge scholarship for graduate school, and got the job she always wanted. It's just one of the many things I admire about her, the things that wont allow me to let go.

[BiAxident]

She dumped you 3 days ago and is already talking of marrying another man?

 

There will be new chapters to this story, I feel.

 

Above all, have courage

 

Well, I misquoted her slightly. She stated that now she knows what true love is, believes in love at first sight, and knows who she wants to spend the rest of her life with. She didnt specifically mention the word marriage, but it's pretty much implied I suppose.

 

http://tinychat.com/myrelationship

[Sambo]

Dude,

 

I'm so sorry !

 

I know exactly how you feel.

 

My ex found someone new in 5 days after the break up and she says she loves him and wants to marry him.

 

Whatever you do stay away from her (I wish I did) because the sooner you forget about her the better off you will be and contact with her will only torture you.

 

The bottomline is this SUCKS bad and there is nothing we can do but get over it.

 

You have no choice so you might as well just do every thing you can to move on.

 

I know my words are not enough for you right now because you hurt so much but try and remind yourself that in 3 months from now you will feel better and in a year from now you will be just fine.

 

Get through one day at a time.

 

 

The truth is in time you will see her differently and you will see that it was her loss.

Edited August 26, 2010 by Sambo

[Simon Attwood]

All the above points to someone that has probably got dysfunction in the development of the connections between the behaviour regulators in the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala.

 

This man she has met, won't last, just like all the others. She will find a way to destroy it. She will rationalise some failing in this man that will give her a reason to to escape because she is unable to sustain a long term relationship due to trauma in her early development. She will try and come back to you again. You are the point of consistency that she will continue to return to. The consistency that was lacking in her infant years.

 

I wonder if her father was abusive from an early age, and that her mother turned a blind eye to it, that in effect would have determined dysfunction in the pathways of emotional regulation. A lack of intimacy and a lack of protection, from the protector.

Edited August 26, 2010 by Simon Attwood

[Chi townD]

Okay, I went back and checked some of your past posts and I can safely say! RUN! Run fast as you can and NEVER look back! She is evil and toxic!

 

I can pretty much assure you that this "Love at first sight" crap is not gonna last! Don't make yourself available for the shoulder to cry on when it happens. BELIEVE ME!!! THERE ARE MUCH BETTER GIRLS OUT THERE! Girls that will treat their men with love and respect!

 

Yoy got luck and dodged a bullet by not marrying her.

[BiAxident]

This man she has met, won't last, just like all the others. She will find a way to destroy it. She will rationalise some failing in this man that will give her a reason to to escape because she is unable to sustain a long term relationship due to trauma in her early development. She will try and come back to you again. You are the point of consistency that she will continue to return to. The consistency that was lacking in her infant years.

 

I wish that were to happen. She doesnt necessarily have a hard time maintaing long term relationships. She dated one guy for seven years, but left because he didn't want marriage or kids. She dated me for 2 years, left me because I didnt have my act together. Then last longterm guy turned out to be gay. I think that one is self-explanatory.

 

I'm sure she would find your analysis interesting though, given that she is a psychologist!

[BiAxident]

Okay, I went back and checked some of your past posts and I can safely say! RUN! Run fast as you can and NEVER look back! She is evil and toxic!

 

I can pretty much assure you that this "Love at first sight" crap is not gonna last! Don't make yourself available for the shoulder to cry on when it happens. BELIEVE ME!!! THERE ARE MUCH BETTER GIRLS OUT THERE! Girls that will treat their men with love and respect!

 

Yoy got luck and dodged a bullet by not marrying her.

 

The more I think about it, you might be right. Hurts like hell right now, but you might be right.

[You Go Girl]

Oh my gosh, stop being this woman's backup plan for decades. Seems like you are always her second choice.

THere's a woman out there that is just waiting for you to walk into her life so that you can be her FIRST CHOICE.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

BiAxident. Met you on the chat site the other night. (Dad) You mentioned in the early part of the post that she was you first person to be sexually intimate with. Is this correct? Was she also your only?

[Simon Attwood]

I'm sure she would find your analysis interesting though, given that she is a psychologist!

 

 

Hah! doesn't mean anything. I mean, look at Freud, he had a very unhealthy fixation on his mother

[Simon Attwood]

She's probably heard of Melanie Klien. Klien was a forerunner in child psychology

 

One of her famous quotes was;

"If we have become able, deep in our unconscious minds, to clear our feelings to some extent towards our parents of grievances, and have forgiven them for the frustrations we had to bear, then we can be at peace with ourselves and are able to love others in the true sense of the word"

 

But things have moved on a lot since then, now that neuroscience has begun to be integrated with our understanding of the human mind and it's emotional structures. At birth, many of the structures and connections for the regulation of emotional behaviour have yet to be built, and are built through intimate contact with the parents in the early years. Consistency, protection, and having basic needs met are essential to the development. How we are loved by our parents actually defines how structures in our brains grow and make connections. Prolonged periods of high levels of anxiety chemicals, such as cortisol and norepinephrine, in the early infant years can actually alter, permanently, the structures of the brain that are associated with emotional regulation. Also if, during her pregnancy, the mother is subject to high levels of anxiety, this can also have a permanent effect on the development of the babies brain because the mother and baby are connected, and high levels of stress hormones in the mother are passed on to the baby's developing brain.

 

Essentially, an infant that experiences any prolonged disruptive experiences, either in the womb, or during it's early relationship with it's parents, is more prone to go on to manifest dysfunction in emotional behaviour in their relationships as an adult. How we are loved by our parents as babies, impacts upon how we are able to love others as adults.

.

Although you mention that the longest relationship she has had to your knowledge was 7 years. It doesn't mean that during those 7 years there were not periods of conflict and dysfunction that she brought to that relationship. You already appear to suggest that she cheated with you during one of her other relationships.

Edited August 27, 2010 by Simon Attwood

[tornandmarried]

she sounds like a jenny...dont be a forest gump.....but if your life flashed before your eyes, she would proably be there.....even if it didnt work out, be happy youve had someone in your life to feel that strongly for

[Sambo]

Okay, I went back and checked some of your past posts and I can safely say! RUN! Run fast as you can and NEVER look back! She is evil and toxic!

 

I can pretty much assure you that this "Love at first sight" crap is not gonna last! Don't make yourself available for the shoulder to cry on when it happens. BELIEVE ME!!! THERE ARE MUCH BETTER GIRLS OUT THERE! Girls that will treat their men with love and respect!

 

Yoy got luck and dodged a bullet by not marrying her.

 

^^^

 

Have to agree with this 100%

 

This is a blessing in disguise.