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Soldier Boy, PTSD, and Breaking Up


Jilly Bean

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I'm pretty bummed.

 

Soldier Boy and I broke up today. Despite us getting along really well, and having a great time together, he's really struggling with his PTSD from his latest deployment. So much so that he's had to take a leave from work, hit the VA for treatment/disability, and get this under control.

 

I feel for him, I really do. He's very dear to me, and so sweet. But the PTSD manifested in such a way that he would shut me out when life was overwhelming for him. This is hard to deal with in a new relationship. I'm not secure enough with him, nor strong enough right now due to other personal stressors, that I could stand by and be patient while he went off and coped alone.

 

So, we decided today to call it quits for a bit. I told him he needed to focus all of his energy on getting himself well and readjusting to civilian life. It was a teary and emotional discussion, as we really do have feelings for each other, but the timing isn't there right now.

 

He asked if we could remain friends, and I said for now, I wasn't open to keeping the door open, as I don't think we'd be able to keep things on that level. We all know how a simple coffee turns into a weekend. We did agree to be there for each other if we needed someone, however, and I said I wouldn't entirely abandon him if he really needed me. He said the same.

 

Who knows what the future will bring. I know this is the best decision for both of us, but it still sucks and I miss him already. I care enough about him to want him to direct his energy on himself, and I care enough about myself to not (occasionally) be put on the shelf for someone's disease.

 

Love sucks.

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Love sucks.

I am sorry things didn't turn out better.

 

I disagree. Love is amazing, losing it is what sucks.

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Yes, you're right, of course. Love sucks today for me, however. lol

 

Thanks - I'll be OK. I have some leftover birthday cake in the freezer that might need to make an appearance. Along with some hot wings. And tequila.

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Yes, you're right, of course. Love sucks today for me, however. lol

 

Thanks - I'll be OK. I have some leftover birthday cake in the freezer that might need to make an appearance. Along with some hot wings. And tequila.

 

✔ Cake ✔ Hot Wings ❒ Tequila

 

That's how I would do it :cool:

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skydiveaddict

Jilly PTSD can be treated. I know, I'm going through it too. If you really like this guy dont give up on him just yet. He just needs time. War sucks

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Jilly PTSD can be treated. I know, I'm going through it too. If you really like this guy dont give up on him just yet. He just needs time. War sucks

 

Hi, Sky. I know we talked about this last week... :(

 

His PTSD is triggering mine, however, and it's not a good fit right now. I know he can be treated, and will be. Hes going on disability, and hitting the VA for treatment. Hes also going to go back to school fulltime, and not work for a while. I think these are all good things for him.

 

It was a very emotional breakup this morning, for both of us. :(

 

Its just that I have some really difficult things Im dealing with right now on my own, and I am not as strong as usual, and cant be his rock while he heals. What little emotional energy I have, I need to use for myself, and my family.

 

I'm not turning my back on him entirely, nor him on me. We agreed to be able to turn to each other if need be. I think we may still end up together in time. But for now, he needs to focus 100% on getting well, and I dont have it in me to be as patient as I would need to be.

 

Im not rushing off to date someone else, and Im sure hes not either. So, well see what the future brings.

 

But, for now, we agreed it was best we spend some time apart until he gets things under control and is stronger.

 

On a good note, he told me he was in worse shape after Iraq. (lol - not). Im confident hell come out OK, but as you well know, its a rough road.

 

I hate I cant be with him right now, and miss him like crazy already. :( Its amazing how quickly we can get used to new people being in our lives...

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Hi,

 

Too bad JB. You seem to like the law enforcement types.

 

But if he was so messed up it's better that he deals with his problems not face a new relationship.

 

And you might still talk again when he gets better.

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Hi,

 

Too bad JB. You seem to like the law enforcement types.

 

But if he was so messed up it's better that he deals with his problems not face a new relationship.

 

And you might still talk again when he gets better.

 

Hi, A!

 

LOL - I do seem to have this thing for civil servants, don't I? Maybe it's the whole thing about how they put their lives on the line for others that I stand in awe of. Truly. Plus, they tend to be pretty masculine. :)

 

Well, he's not DRAMATICALLY messed up, just having a really hard time readjusting to civilian life this time (so PRETTY messed up, but not insane - lol). But for sure, he's not good relationship material right now, and with my crap, I need someone more grounded ATM... I know when he's well, he'd make an excellent partner.

 

I somehow think we will see each other again, A. Just because being together was really nice, really comfortable, really fun, and really easy.

 

Still sucks for today, as the first days are of being apart, and knowing once again, you're ALONE. I'm wearing out, I think. :(

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I somehow think we will see each other again, A. Just because being together was really nice, really comfortable, really fun, and really easy.

 

Still sucks for today, as the first days are of being apart, and knowing once again, you're ALONE. I'm wearing out, I think. :(

 

Yeah, probably. And besides, if he is going to be in disability he may get bored and most likely call.

 

About the masculinity that you like, also the football player. ;)

 

And being alone yeah.. :( Hugs {{{JB}}}

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Hey Jilly, ((hugs)) from me.

 

You've always been the girl that will make the hard choices when you know something is off. That's an admirable quality- too many of us accept less than what we deserve just to be in a relationship.

 

I remember a friend saying to me once (about a LTR)- that even though she was never really "alone", she was always "lonely". That conversation has always stuck with me.

 

Hopefully he gets treatment and can find a way to start living his life again.

 

I know the choice must have been hard- but it's the right choice for now.

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Yeah, probably. And besides, if he is going to be in disability he may get bored and most likely call.

 

About the masculinity that you like, also the football player. ;)

 

And being alone yeah.. :( Hugs {{{JB}}}

 

Oh, he wasn't the one pushing for the separation. I think he would have been fine to continue on, but when I told him I wasn't happy, he didn't want to be a negative force in my life. So, we agreed to part. He wanted to still maintain contact and a friendship, and I had to say no to that. I do think we'll reunite one day, however.

 

I want him to get well, and put his energy into that, without me being a distraction in his life.

 

Yes, baller was quite burly. Like a refrigerator. lol. Side by side.

 

Thanks for the hug, sweetie.

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I'm bummed for you, JB. :(

 

Me, too, honey. He's a good one.

 

And it was a rare breakup for me, in that it wasn't heated and accusatory. No blame game. Just mutual sadness on both parts for knowing our romance was ill-timed.

 

I dunno. Maybe us cutting this off now is a good thing, as if we do pick this up again, it's not like we have some ugliness to reconcile.

 

I smelled him on the pillow today. :(

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He wanted to still maintain contact and a friendship, and I had to say no to that. I do think we'll reunite one day, however.

 

I see.

 

You are a tough one, you let that baller go too.

 

Well, don't complain too much then. Just some tequilas and bye bye military guy.

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I smelled him on the pillow today. :(

 

Man, that's the worst. :(

 

I was feeling good today, now I'm blue.

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I see.

 

You are a tough one, you let that baller go too.

 

Well, don't complain too much then. Just some tequilas and bye bye military guy.

 

No, I'm really not, A. I do it for self-preservation. If I was tough, I'd still be seeing SB. I had to cut it off because the hurt was only going to mount right now, and I didn't want to feel worse. I did it to protect myself. Not tough. Weak? Smart? I dunno.

 

I let baller go because I didn't care to have to be in an exclusive relationship with someone who was gone 6 months a year. JB is way too needy for that. lol

 

 

Man, that's the worst. :(

 

I was feeling good today, now I'm blue.

 

Oh, I'm sorry! I just noticed it when I made the bed this morning. I may sleep in the guest room tonight. :(

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xpaperxcutx

J_B, sorry to hear about soldier boy. I thought things were going to work out between you too. But you're a tough gal, you'll make it.

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OJB, sorry to hear.

 

PTSD is something he'll have to go through.

 

We'll be here.

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How are you doing today, JB?

 

A bit better, thanks. Thought about him all day. Every time I saw his type of truck, I'd look to see if it was him driving. Wanted to call/text to say hi, but didnt. I feel it would be selfish.

 

Im eating a costco ice cream bar, and it helps. lol. How are you after I triggered you? :(

 

J_B, sorry to hear about soldier boy. I thought things were going to work out between you too. But you're a tough gal, you'll make it.

 

Thanks, X. :( I'm not cutting him out of the race totally, however. Just temporarily.

 

OJB, sorry to hear.

 

PTSD is something he'll have to go through.

 

We'll be here.

 

Thanks, OJB. Do you know someone with it? Its tough. I have faith in him, but relationships are tough enough on their own, without having to deal with a personal disease of this magnitude.

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Hey Jilly, ((hugs)) from me.

 

You've always been the girl that will make the hard choices when you know something is off. That's an admirable quality- too many of us accept less than what we deserve just to be in a relationship.

 

I remember a friend saying to me once (about a LTR)- that even though she was never really "alone", she was always "lonely". That conversation has always stuck with me.

 

Hopefully he gets treatment and can find a way to start living his life again.

 

I know the choice must have been hard- but it's the right choice for now.

 

D - I missed this last night! Sorry, hon. Thanks for the hugs. :)

 

It was, and is, a VERY tough choice. I cant tell you how many times I looked at my phone today, hoped he would contact me, then thought I should just call him and tell him to come over, but I still think it would be selfish of me. Im too needy right now, and the last thing he needs is more pressure and demands in his life right now. I really want him to focus on himself and get well. He knows hes not relationship material right now, but we both didnt want to have to admit it.

 

Im just not ready to entirely let go of him as a possibility. I keep hoping hell heal quickly, and be ready for a relationship sooner than later, but I know these things cant be rushed. Hes really got a lot to work through, as he suffered some permanent physical injuries this tour, has short-term memory loss, and the PTSD has left him pretty emotionally empty.

 

I know going back to work was the straw that broke his back, so now that he wont be working for a while, Im hoping cutting that out will hasten his healing.

 

There has to be lessons in all of this for me. Somehow, somewhere...

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D - I missed this last night! Sorry, hon. Thanks for the hugs. :)

 

It was, and is, a VERY tough choice. I cant tell you how many times I looked at my phone today, hoped he would contact me, then thought I should just call him and tell him to come over, but I still think it would be selfish of me. Im too needy right now, and the last thing he needs is more pressure and demands in his life right now. I really want him to focus on himself and get well. He knows hes not relationship material right now, but we both didnt want to have to admit it.

 

Im just not ready to entirely let go of him as a possibility. I keep hoping hell heal quickly, and be ready for a relationship sooner than later, but I know these things cant be rushed. Hes really got a lot to work through, as he suffered some permanent physical injuries this tour, has short-term memory loss, and the PTSD has left him pretty emotionally empty.

 

I know going back to work was the straw that broke his back, so now that he wont be working for a while, Im hoping cutting that out will hasten his healing.

 

There has to be lessons in all of this for me. Somehow, somewhere...

 

Jaysus, I was just about to send you a bump telling you "I will not be ignored"!!:lmao: JK.

 

But you know I love you, and I also know that you don't make decisions like this without putting serious thought into it. If he can't give you what you need right now, then your decision is a good one.

 

All decisions are reversible, everything can be re-visited and re-evaluated. Right now, being together doesn't make sense, and that's okay. If things change tomorrow, you can re-visit things.

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Jaysus, I was just about to send you a bump telling you "I will not be ignored"!!:lmao: JK.

 

But you know I love you, and I also know that you don't make decisions like this without putting serious thought into it. If he can't give you what you need right now, then your decision is a good one.

 

All decisions are reversible, everything can be re-visited and re-evaluated. Right now, being together doesn't make sense, and that's okay. If things change tomorrow, you can re-visit things.

 

Ha ha! I totally missed it during my posting last night. You know I would never snub you. (crazy stalker Alex that you are - lol). ;)

 

Well, he told me a week ago that he *thought* he was ready for a relationship, and then realized he wasn't. :( We still kept seeing each other, as we didn't want to let go. But, as I wrote on the PTSD thread about him, he would go MIA for a day or two, and I wouldn't hear from him. That's extremely difficult to manage for a new relationship, particularly since I am feeling more needy than usual these days... So, as I told him, unfortunately, him dealing with his own PTSD, was triggering mine all over the place, as it hit all of my abandonment/being ignored issues. So, for now, no, not a good fit.

 

When we discussed breaking up, it was very mutual, which is what sucks. He knows he cant be a good BF right now, and I know I cant be strong enough for both of us to withstand his absences. He said he didnt want to do anything to make me unhappy, and I said I didnt want to do anything to make him stressed.

 

So, a very healthy and mature breakup.

 

No matter what happens for he and I in the future- friends/lovers - I just want him to be well, whole and grounded again.

 

Today, I was walking out of costco, and I swore I smelled him. He wasnt a cologne guy, but just his natural scent I smelled. Sucks when they infiltrate your senses like that. :(

 

But, we both said we weren't saying good bye forever. He knows if he needs me, he calls, and Im there. And vice versa. I really like to think we'll find our way back to each other, when we're both in a better place.

 

I wish I was stronger right now, D, I really do. I wish I was strong like I used to be, and able to be there for both him, and me, so that we could still be together. But, a close friend said it weeks ago, when he asked if with everything I had going on, was this going to be something I could handle. And I tried. And I failed. But, I still really believe this was the best thing for both of us.

 

Two weak people together don't become stronger.

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Hey, I'm sorry to hear about this. It sounds like it was really hard to do, but also done with a lot of caring and thought...

 

And I like what you said about if you do come closer again at some time in the future, you won't have a bunch of ugliness to work through - it seems like you both did this kind of as a survival thing, but even so, you handled it from a really caring place... Hang in there.

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Hey, I'm sorry to hear about this. It sounds like it was really hard to do, but also done with a lot of caring and thought...

 

And I like what you said about if you do come closer again at some time in the future, you won't have a bunch of ugliness to work through - it seems like you both did this kind of as a survival thing, but even so, you handled it from a really caring place... Hang in there.

 

Thanks, Trimmer. I really appreciate that. :)

 

It helps to write it all out...

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