Story of How I Moved On/Coped (2 ex'es ago)

[solo123]

In an attempt to give back, in an attempt to maybe even help one person here, and maybe just to write and inspire here is the true story of how I got past the loss of one of my greatest loves. This is ironic because I have another current post here on how to save a situation with my last ex, but let's focus on this for a while because maybe it will help some of you:

 

- Was single/dating for two years and loving it. No shortage of women in my life, was early 30's, 2-3 years or so from a split with ex-fiancee, then I met HER.

Sexy, hard to pin down, a few years older, and had that certain something. A week after meeting her was partying out of town but was thinking of her all weekend. The next weekend took her on a trip for Fourth of July because couldn't stand to be away from her for two weeks in a row. She told me that she thought we'd be married in a year if we kept this up.

 

- Three of the most intense, passionate months ever. We were in love 4 weeks in and calling each other 'husband/wife' jokingly but slowly living/believing it. Friends couldn't believe how fast I went from a casual dater to super intimate relationship guy.

 

- Hit some roadblocks, first fights, seeing some issues start poking out (materialism, unable to resolve conflict nicely i.e. not leaving/slamming door shut only to return next day).

 

- Pushed through and always worked things out, got to the 8 month mark as New Year's hit. Were raw from some fights, and I pushed the envelope. She broke down, I broke down, was a crappy night. Still, loved this woman like no other till now.

 

- First week of January, I slam the phone down in anger telling her to call me when she can be positive for once. We both go NC for a week. I finally call and she blames me for the break-up. I blame her. Try to work it out and she resists. I'm heartbroken thinking it's really done. Can't listen to some songs on the radio, etc. etc. Try EVERYTHING - funny texts, casual texts, sexy texts, calling once a week, every other week, nothing works. Finally she caves and agrees to come to dinner one night.

 

- Things are great, we're making out, deciding that we have to keep trying to get the life we were supposed to have together. Then something from the past comes up, we blow up, and it's really done! Fighting, crying, yelling while sitting in a car from 10pm - 4am. Next few weeks are brutal.

 

- Decide that I can't let the wrong person hold me back from my happiness, and I will get it with or without her. I try LC with her, while spending a LOT of effort meeting new people. Go our 4 times one week and end up with 4 new prospects. Rinse, wash repeat. Most of these go nowhere serious but great distraction, great sex and great MOVING ON.

 

- Focused a lot of effort on new 'projects' as I no longer had booked weekends: Lot of emotional support (i.e. outlet to give love) to a friend going through a break-up after 6 years. Working out like crazy. Volunteering.

Building physical things (getting that sense of completion). Getting close to friends neglected during relationship.

 

-3 Weeks after the final split I meet a special someone. Call her two days later and she gives me some hokey text about being in Canada for a few weeks for work. Decide, what the hell, start texting her to see where it will go. Day after she's back in town we spend the night together, she sleeps in my arms so well I know that things will never be the same. A week later we're exclusive, and have 4 amazing months together. immediately get rid of all the other girls, without thought or regret.

 

-That woman turned out to be MUCH better than the crazy ex for me, and I saw that I could have a MUCH happier life with her. I would have never known this had I not gone for it and pushed so hard to move forward every day. Oh and the crazy ex? I went NC after I met my new girl, and now 5 months later still have not heard from her. Could I call and talk to her? Sure. Do I want her back? Nope.

 

Accept the situations you're in for what they are.

Move forward and build the life you want, with or without 'the one'

Realize that there are at least 50-100 people in most every town that can

give you the same amazing experience you had with your ex. Spend time

finding them, not brooding.

Do not let any one person become a weakness to you unless they show you that they truly

love you and they continue showing it.

Edited July 21, 2010 by solo123

[106rob]

If the forum had a " like" button now would be the time to use it!!

 

Very good read there thankyou!

[GrayClouds]

- Three of the most intense, passionate months ever. We were in love 4 weeks in and calling each other 'husband/wife' jokingly but slowly living/believing it. Friends couldn't believe how fast I went from a casual dater to super intimate relationship guy.

That is not love it is lust or need.

 

- Hit some roadblocks, first fights, seeing some issues start poking out (materialism, unable to resolve conflict nicely i.e. not leaving/slamming door shut only to return next day).

OP mistakes intensity for intimacy,

Pushed through and always worked things out, got to the 8 month mark as New Year's hit. Were raw from some fights, and I pushed the envelope. She broke down, I broke down, was a crappy night. Still, loved this woman like no other till now.

 

- First week of January, I slam the phone down in anger telling her to call me when she can be positive for once. We both go NC for a week. I finally call and she blames me for the break-up. I blame her. Try to work it out and she resists. I'm heartbroken thinking it's really done. Can't listen to some songs on the radio, etc. etc. Try EVERYTHING - funny texts, casual texts, sexy texts, calling once a week, every other week, nothing works. Finally she caves and agrees to come to dinner one night.

You really do like drama

- Things are great, we're making out, deciding that we have to keep trying to get the life we were supposed to have together. Then something from the past comes up, we blow up, and it's really done! Fighting, crying, yelling while sitting in a car from 10pm - 4am. Next few weeks are brutal.

More drama... Pssssst, drama does not mean love

- Decide that I can't let the wrong person hold me back from my happiness, and I will get it with or without her. I try LC with her, while spending a LOT of effort meeting new people. Go our 4 times one week and end up with 4 new prospects. Rinse, wash repeat. Most of these go nowhere serious but great distraction, great sex and great MOVING ON.

That is not moving on, that is avoiding

- Focused a lot of effort on new 'projects' as I no longer had booked weekends: Lot of emotional support (i.e. outlet to give love) to a friend going through a break-up after 6 years. Working out like crazy. Volunteering.

Building physical things (getting that sense of completion). Getting close to friends neglected during relationship.

Finally offering something of value.

-3 Weeks after the final split I meet a special someone.

This is called a rebound, seldom ever works, and keep a person from grown as a reslut of a break-up. An example smart people will not follow.

Day after she's back in town we spend the night together, she sleeps in my arms so well I know that things will never be the same. A week later we're exclusive, and have 4 amazing months together. immediately get rid of all the other girls, without thought or regret.

Please understand this is coming form a 30 something not a 16 year old. It is an example of someone who looks for someone else to deliver happiness rather then work hard to find their own

-That woman turned out to be MUCH better than the crazy ex for me, and I saw that I could have a MUCH happier life with her. I would have never known this had I not gone for it and pushed so hard to move forward every day.

People who put in the work understands the best a love will do is compliment a life. It all start with focus on yourself understanding you make your own happiness.

Accept the situations you're in for what they are.

Interestingly enough the OP is current unable to do this himself at the moment.

Move forward and build the life you want, with or without 'the one'

Even a broken clock is right twice a day....

Realize that there are at least 50-100 people in most every town that can

give you the same amazing experience you had with your ex. Spend time

finding them, not brooding.

Wrong, spend your time building a great life, growing as a person, learning from your past mistakes, understand why you made them, finding healthier ways to behave. If you all that you will not have to find that amazing person they will find you.

Do not let any one person become a weakness to you unless they show you that they truly

love you and they continue showing it.

I am not sure what this means but I think what the OP is trying to say if someone truly loves you, you should allow them to become a weakness. Again bad advice.

 

 

 

 

.

Edited July 21, 2010 by GrayClouds

[solo123]

GrayClouds -

 

I appreciate all of your words but you gotta relax a little bit. The answer to everything is not always - let it go fully and work on yourself. If that were the case, no one would ever get together!

 

Look, I'm not pushing rebounds but after seeing a lot of the posts in these forums thought I would give ONE example of a situation where I thought I would really have a hard time moving on, but by actually DOING it I ended up in a better place.

 

I don't know about you but I have perspective, have had many women in my life to the point that yes, I can tell in a few weeks if someone is 'special' and a question mark, meaning not sure where it will go or being pretty sure that it will never go anywhere serious. No need for name calling.

 

Yes, yes everyone knows that happiness has to be found within first and foremost but there is nothing wrong with enjoying the highs of a passionate love at the same time.

 

Quote:

Accept the situations you're in for what they are.

Interestingly enough the OP is current unable to do this himself at the moment.

Different situation, different person, there is no one size fits all answer.

 

Quote:

Realize that there are at least 50-100 people in most every town that can

give you the same amazing experience you had with your ex. Spend time

finding them, not brooding.

Wrong, spend your time building a great life, growing as a person, learning from your past mistakes, understand why you made them, finding healthier ways to behave. If you all that you will not have to find that amazing person they will find you.

Ok, sit at home and wait for them to find you (kidding). I am proactive and realize it takes work, dated probably 30 women before the last serious one, then another 5 before this last one. That's ok - the first person you meet next month probably won't be the one that lasts. It's a process. Yes, build a great life, grow, learn etc but also put in the work. Careers take work. Building bridges takes work. Finding true, lasting love is also work, not just chance.

 

Quote:

Do not let any one person become a weakness to you unless they show you that they truly

love you and they continue showing it.

I am not sure what this means but I think what the OP is trying to say if someone truly loves you, you should allow them to become a weakness. Again bad advice.

No, just that if you have true love, you can give more and be more flexible and at the end of the day put up a little bit more than if you were just dating the person.

[McGrupp]

i like op's post.

 

im in a similar plight.

 

keep it moving, meeting more women, trying different things, while exercising you mind and goals.

 

after moping for 5 months, and analyzing everything, really meeting a new woman or women helps a lot, no matter what label you want to give it.

[GrayClouds]

GrayClouds -

 

I appreciate all of your words but you gotta relax a little bit. The answer to everything is not always - let it go fully and work on yourself. If that were the case, no one would ever get together!

 

Look, I'm not pushing rebounds but after seeing a lot of the posts in these forums thought I would give ONE example of a situation where I thought I would really have a hard time moving on, but by actually DOING it I ended up in a better place.

 

I don't know about you but I have perspective, have had many women in my life to the point that yes, I can tell in a few weeks if someone is 'special' and a question mark, meaning not sure where it will go or being pretty sure that it will never go anywhere serious. No need for name calling.

 

Yes, yes everyone knows that happiness has to be found within first and foremost but there is nothing wrong with enjoying the highs of a passionate love at the same time.

I know break-up are hard and painful. Solo with all do respect, you have fail to show perspective. This story you told did not bring you to a better place, your right back where you were, or am I mistaken? If anything your post is helpful is that you have illustrated that jumping from one relationship to another is not the answer.

 

And yes you are right "the answer to everything is not always - let it go fully and work on yourself". It is only right 99.9% of the time, unless there was abuse but even then a fare amount of time should be given to understand why a they made the choices they did and to heal.

 

i like op's post.

 

im in a similar plight.

 

keep it moving, meeting more women, trying different things, while exercising you mind and goals.

 

after moping for 5 months, and analyzing everything, really meeting a new woman or women helps a lot, no matter what label you want to give it.

 

Yes is does, but you did more the mope, after a point you worked hard and gain real insight into yourself. You set goals, took risk, change things you did not like in you and your life, and created a life independent of that meeting a new women.

 

 

.

Edited July 21, 2010 by GrayClouds

[solo123]

Well of course it brought me to a better place

 

a - I found a 'better' woman

b - I moved on past a woman I might have otherwise been stuck on for a bit

 

Meeting someone new and jumping into something new with an open mind and an open heart IS taking a risk.

 

By you saying I'm right where I was, well the last situation did not work out thus far, yes, but not for the same reasons/same issues. Hell 90%+ of relationships people have will not work out, and that's ok.

 

I'm thrilled I had the experience I had with my last ex, and it's a recent split (going on 3 weeks) so of course I'm still torn. But I have gained insight, set new goals for myself, worked on changing things I didn't like that I was doing in the relationship and if this situation doesn't get fixed within a few weeks I'll have to move on again.

 

You HAVE to move on and APPLY the things you've worked on in a new relationship with someone else. You don't jump into a rebound to feel better (well ok, sometimes you do), but you DO move on with somebody to enrich your life.

 

I would think you of all folks would be supportive of this main issue - if there are folks on these threads still pining over an ex who they lost month/years ago (and that relationship wasn't even much longer than the amount of time they're pining over), they do need to MOVE ON. Run the hail mary if you need to - call the ex one day and see if they'll meet, lay it on the line, and move forwards or onwards.

[McGrupp]

often after a break up and i suffered this myself, we put up a wall to others.

 

to feel love again you have to open yourself up to the fact you may be hurt again.

Edited July 21, 2010 by McGrupp

[GrayClouds]

often after a break up and i suffered this myself, we put up a wall to others.

 

to feel love again you have to open yourself up to the fact you may be hurt again.

Correct, and doing the hard work to understand your contributions to the break-up, taking time to make sure they are not a pattern of behavior, learning to change that behavior if it is, putting yourself first and making a life for yourself and learning to love being alone gives a person the confidence and the security to open themselves up again.

 

Then we or someone else does not have to tear down those wall, they come down on their own. Otherwise you enter the next relationship holding yourself back and will attract the same, making it even more difficult to evaluate "Am I in love with this person or just the part they are showing me?".

 

Having that confidence reminds you that yes you may be hurt again, but you are stronger then that pain. Moving too quickly into another relationship short changes a person's growth resulting in destructive patterns repeating and pain being repetitive. Such as the girl who continually picks controlling jerks, the guy who always picks emotionally unavailable women, the Fixer who only goes for Problems, the Needed attaching to the User, the Lonely drawn to Mr/Ms Rightnow or Ego constantly looking for the Upgrade.

 

We all make mistake in relationships; past, present and future. The object is not to repeat them. The willingness to take the time between relationship to make sure you not going to healthier and happier from the others. Which one of those a person wants to be is a choice. But it is important it is a choice that take effort and time, courage to walk alone for a time.

 

Everyone deserves the best life possible, but it does not happen by accident.

 

 

.

[mickleb]

GrayClouds appears to be right, solo. You do seem to confuse intensity for intimacy.

 

From your other thread and this one, I have to say, you seem to be screaming issues. I don't like to be the bearer of bad news but, sometimes, that's the kindest thing to do.

 

I think you should try to relax. If you have worked hard on your issues, as you claim to have, you should be able to trust you will be fine in the future. Solo or not (and for years, if needs be).

 

Also, do you present your '95% failure' theory to the women you go out with? It might be a more honest approach to dating because if you're going in thinking that, you're not being very open-minded or fair to the girls you're with.

 

Take care.

 

x