Can NC push an ex farther away?

[Username37]

Basically what the title is asking.

 

I know NC is you time and can be also used to get an ex to miss you. But is it possible that NC can push them farther away?

[USMCHokie]

Yes, it can. But the answer to this question is quite irrelevant, as the question is irrelevant to the proper principles and motivations for NC.

[Username37]

Yes, it can. But the answer to this question is quite irrelevant, as the question is irrelevant to the proper principles and motivations for NC.

 

Are you asking why I'm doing NC.

 

Well it was originally to get her back, but I'm not sure about that. So it's about healing now I guess.

[USMCHokie]

Are you asking why I'm doing NC.

 

No, I'm not...

 

 

Well it was originally to get her back, but I'm not sure about that. So it's about healing now I guess.

 

It should have always been about healing...

[Thedudeabidez]

Well just know that the whole point behind no contact is to prove that

you are not too needy and you can make yourself happy without her.

If this is not your point then no contact might not be the best idea.

Most people think that no contact to help clear their mind or sort of get away is a good idea. If you are in a marriage or relationship that is strong and have been together many years then yes. If you are just relatively new maybe a couple of years then no. Communication is the key.

No contact could push them away if all they want is to talk to you.

[Username37]

Well just know that the whole point behind no contact is to prove that

you are not too needy and you can make yourself happy without her.

If this is not your point then no contact might not be the best idea.

Most people think that no contact to help clear their mind or sort of get away is a good idea. If you are in a marriage or relationship that is strong and have been together many years then yes. If you are just relatively new maybe a couple of years then no. Communication is the key.

No contact could push them away if all they want is to talk to you.

 

I was in a relationship for 1.5 years.

 

So I should NOT do NC if I want them back?

[spriggig]

I was in a relationship for 1.5 years.

 

So I should NOT do NC if I want them back?

 

NC should never be used to attempt reconciliation unless it's literally your last ditch effort and you realize it will almost certainly fail--even IF she does come sniffing back around, you or she will probably screw up the reconciliation process and break up again in short order.

 

NC is for you to more quickly get over her, that's really it.

 

There are a couple of current pending success stories on here, Reardon (used NC) and What_Next (used 180), but the jury is still out on both.

[Username37]

NC should never be used to attempt reconciliation unless it's literally your last ditch effort and you realize it will almost certainly fail--even IF she does come sniffing back around, you or she will probably screw up the reconciliation process and break up again in short order.

 

NC is for you to more quickly get over her, that's really it.

 

There are a couple of current pending success stories on here, Reardon (used NC) and What_Next (used 180), but the jury is still out on both.

 

What's the 180?

[lullaby]

I was in a relationship for 1.5 years.

 

So I should NOT do NC if I want them back?

 

I'm stuck like you. What would you say to your ex if you break NC?

 

NC worked at the begining for me, for myself, but it's not working now, not making me feel good at all.

 

As Thedudeabidez said, sometimes communication is key and if you are still getting to know the person and are better, feeling stronger, well... then, do whatever suits you. I'm learning that myself.

 

NC is for healing, for nothing else. If the dumper comes back, it's just a collateral effect of NC, not the reason to go NC.

[aeren944]

In my case, it's pushing my ex farther away, I think. She doesn't call so much or really text at all anymore. It sucks, cuz I was just like you... just wanted her back. But, now, I'm doing much, much better. This is my time... I don't need her, and I don't need anyone to distract me from myself. It sucks, but NC is the hardest and best thing you'll do for yourself. If you feel unhappy in NC, you need to change something... but that something is NOT breaking NC.

[GrayClouds]

NC never pushes anyone away further. READ THAT AGAIN.

 

At NC is about you and you alone, giving you the space and the strength to move on, not exposing your self to new pain, starting living your life for yourself.

 

At has very little to do with the EX. It, at best, communicates what honestly is in there heart about their desire to be with you. It way to easy to say NC will / did push the person away, but in fact it would simple be a excuse, people ultimately choose what they want. With or without NC if they do not come back, it was their choice to keep moving.

[Ilovecake]

By asking that question I can tell you are looking at NC in the wrong way, like it's some kind of tool.

 

So here's my answer.

 

They're your ex because they don't want you in their life, therefore they are no longer in your life, how much further from you can they be pushed away? They're either there or they're not and by dumping you they are telling you they are no longer there for you. I would imagine if someone told me they're not interested in having me in their life the automatic response would be to no longer speak to them, anything else is irrational.

 

If you were on a playground and some kid told you they didn't want to play with you would you follow them around and scheme to somehow get them to be your friend? Probably not and you would probably make fun of any kid that would do that because that’s just creepy. So why would you do that with an ex? It's the same thing.

 

People you need to get it through your thick heads that these people simply don't want you. Stop playing games and scheming because you're only hurting yourself.

Edited July 19, 2010 by Ilovecake

[Stymie123]

My Ex broke nc, so i played along. I kept up communication, I tried to make it work...show that we could move forward. The truth was, nothing had changed with her, and she didn't trust that i could/would/had changed.

 

All it did was mess ME up for another month and I was back where I was the day we broke up (5 years together).

 

So, every situation is different, but really, if they want you, they will make an effort, especially if you laid it all out there for them at least once.

 

That's my 2 cents.

 

I would have stayed NC if I had to do it over again.

 

That being said...if they left because you wouldn't get married, or didn't want kids....and you changed your mind...maybe then i would call and tell them.

[Username37]

I did make an effort to get her back.

 

And I got no other form of contact since my b-day.

[LikeCharlotte]

Yes. And hopefully its far enough away that you can meet someone better and more suited. It sucks to lose someone but there is no point in hanging on when you could be spending that effort on something worthwhile. You shouldn't spin your wheels when you could be having a good ride.

 

I am the sort of person that moves on pretty quickly mainly because the first priority for me is reciprocation. You don't want me, you don't know? Thats cool, im going to cry for a minute then get up and find someone who does. Guess its too bad for you if you change your mind. Isn't it?

[A Hot Mess]

It can push them away. In my situation, I started NC and a week and a half later, she apparently panicked and jumped full-on into a relationship with another guy (whereas before she talked about dating around for a while) and has spent every waking hour (outside of work) with him for the past week or more.

 

I wasn't using NC as a tool (as I realized I could never date her again, regardless if she wanted to), but as a way to finally (after being stupid for a while) start respecting myself and begin picking up the pieces.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think NC can potentially drive people away but it depends on the context of the relationship.

 

For instance, if you were unfaithful or abusive and were dumped, going NC is not useful in your situation. You need to be communicative.

 

If we are dumped for any other reasons, and yes most of us have our fauls and made our mistakes, NC usually is best but I still struggle with NC.

 

It comes to this I think: if someone dumps you and they don't come to contact you or at least communicate well, then NC is best.

 

Me and my ex were in contact but he went off on a crazy one and hasn't contacted me since. I have a tendency to self-blame, partly due to self-esteem and partly because I did my fair share of f-ing up the relationship, but I still feel if he was mature and cared about me enough, he wouldn't have reacted that way and he would have been kind enough to speak to me properly instead of go mental. So I carry on with NC and hope its for the best.

 

I don't NC sometimes because only on this board do I see it advertised. In real life, I don't really know of anyone who keeps to NC except those who had really abusive break-ups. I do wonder sometimes if i've done the right thing and now the traincrash of our friendship may be unrectifiable. Hard to ever know in life!

[smk]

I don't NC sometimes because only on this board do I see it advertised. In real life, I don't really know of anyone who keeps to NC except those who had really abusive break-ups. I do wonder sometimes if i've done the right thing and now the traincrash of our friendship may be unrectifiable. Hard to ever know in life!

 

To be honest I haven’t visited any other boards and yes I do see both the upside and downside of NC – however my break up was quite different to most conventional ones (her family – and race issues) and hence the break. However having said that I don’t really know many people in real life who have gone NC…

 

Like you I do sometimes wonder if going NC is the right thing to do – I recall her telling me the day we broke up that for the first few months we should have NC because it was too hard for the both of us, yet 2 days later she broke it – for the next 4 weeks she would call every other day, then all of a sudden last week she went NC. I have been tempted to call but haven’t, and now all I think about is whether this is the right way to go or not.

 

I understand both arguments for it, that if she does care then no matter what happens she will contact me, yet I also understand that for me to truly heal and move on with my life I need to maintain NC – so yes it is a B***h….

 

I want to have that friendship with her and she always said that no matter what she would always be a friend in my life, however I know that right now I am at this place where I am still not over her, I know how hard it was for me everytime we spoke when I could not express my feelings – I don’t know how she feels anymore because since a week before we broke up she had switched off all emotions towards me… but I have now come to accept that if in the future our paths are due to meet again then they will, and if not, then hey I have some great memories of her… I do however always think of her, wondering if she has moved on, if she is seeing someone else, etc… and I know one thing, at the place I am in right now it would break me apart to be “just friends” with her – I could not handle it… I want her to be happy in her life, whether with or without me, but I also know that if I was in her life and she was with someone else right now I wouldn’t be able to handle it, hence for the moment I am taking NC one day at a time…

 

But I do wish and hope the best for her, and hey as I said before, if mine and her paths do cross again in the future, in any way shape or form, I will deal with that hurdle when I get to it, for now I need to focus on moving on with my life, bettering my life, and learning things about myself. I realised that it came to point after the break up that I believed (or still believe) that I need her to be here to validate my being which was not the case before I met her…

 

Right now I know one thing, she was and will always be the first person I truly love, and I will always have a soft spot for her, and I hope that one day when I have moved on I can truly be friends with her

[Ilovecake]

It can push them away. In my situation, I started NC and a week and a half later, she apparently panicked and jumped full-on into a relationship with another guy (whereas before she talked about dating around for a while) and has spent every waking hour (outside of work) with him for the past week or more.

 

I wasn't using NC as a tool (as I realized I could never date her again, regardless if she wanted to), but as a way to finally (after being stupid for a while) start respecting myself and begin picking up the pieces.

 

Believe me if your ex jumped into a relationship she would have done that whether you were in contact or not, she was single after all, that's what all single people do sooner or later.

[A Hot Mess]

Believe me if your ex jumped into a relationship she would have done that whether you were in contact or not, she was single after all, that's what all single people do sooner or later.

 

Right. But with me on the leash, it provided her some security in that she didn't have to pick anyone. She had said that she was having fun being single, meeting new guys, and doing whatever. She was very casual about the whole thing. But once I told her I was no longer going to be the fall-back, and that she wouldn't be hearing from me any longer, I think reality set in and she hit the panic button.

 

Every situation is different, all I'm saying is that NC can "push an ex farther away". Yes, she would've ended up in a relationship (no kidding?), but I think I helped expedite the process by going NC.

[davisc123]

NC is to help you move on, and to make sure you don't get used by an ex who is only stringing you along with no real intention of getting back together with you. That is my opinion anyway.

 

If you have been dumped I would suggest NC, greaving and healing. Let's face it, it's not easy and it will hurt in the beginning but unless the dumper makes a concrete move to get you back for good you are probably just wasting your time.

 

My ex kept in contact - even sending me old pics of us, telling me she will always love me etc. It took me a while to realise that despite all this she still didn't have it in her to give us another go. Ignoring her is the best thing I've ever done.

[Ilovecake]

Right. But with me on the leash, it provided her some security in that she didn't have to pick anyone. She had said that she was having fun being single, meeting new guys, and doing whatever. She was very casual about the whole thing. But once I told her I was no longer going to be the fall-back, and that she wouldn't be hearing from me any longer, I think reality set in and she hit the panic button.

 

Every situation is different, all I'm saying is that NC can "push an ex farther away". Yes, she would've ended up in a relationship (no kidding?), but I think I helped expedite the process by going NC.

 

Wait, so you told her she can no longer string you along and that you won't take her crums and she bailed?

[HeavenOrHell]

smk; I took the decision to go NC after asking my ex 7 months post break up (18 years together) if he had feelings for an old friend of mine, he said he did, and that was the point it would have been more painful to see him than not.

We are both with someone new now and we are friends again now, so it may be possible for you, but only when you truly no longer want her back, I do get the odd pang of jealousy about his new relationship but not because I want him back, it's more to do with issues between me and his partner in the past, we all go way back. I don't feel jealous to any great extent at all, I have no sexual feelings towards my ex, haven't done for months, our friendship feels relaxed and comfortable, I look at him like I would a brother now, I would not like to not have him in my life.

I can't stress enough the importance of NC to enable you to move forward and heal.

You're doing great by the way

[smk]

smk; I took the decision to go NC after asking my ex 7 months post break up (18 years together) if he had feelings for an old friend of mine, he said he did, and that was the point it would have been more painful to see him than not.

We are both with someone new now and we are friends again now, so it may be possible for you, but only when you truly no longer want her back, I do get the odd pang of jealousy about his new relationship but not because I want him back, it's more to do with issues between me and his partner in the past, we all go way back. I don't feel jealous to any great extent at all, I have no sexual feelings towards my ex, haven't done for months, our friendship feels relaxed and comfortable, I look at him like I would a brother now, I would not like to not have him in my life.

I can't stress enough the importance of NC to enable you to move forward and heal.

You're doing great by the way

 

I do hope that someday me and K will be able to friends - because I truly do want her to be happy with or without me, however I know that if i did attempt to be friends with her right now, then i would truly push her away from me. I am still not in that place emotionally where I can be just friends with her, and where I will be perfectly happy and have no emotions if she was seeing someone else - i dont know how she would react to this at the moment - but right now everything just feels so surreal. I am a complete trainwreck while she is out enjoying herself, with her friends and working on her tan, where as i cant stop crying - and i just find it really hard to fathom how she can continue with her life as though the last 6 months did not even happen - i know this is selfish of me, wanting to see her hurting, but i am human at the end of the day. I would give up the next 50 yrs to relive the last 6 months with her, thats how much she meant to me, thats how much i love her, and i know and hope that eventually over time i heal and at that point if our paths are crossed to meet again i am sure they will...

[Melrapuo]

When I did NC, I initially did it thinking it would get my ex to contact me more and ask how I was doing.

 

It worked. And thats all it did, too. She didn't realize her "mistake" or anything like that. It just made her curious. And in the process, I just stressed myself out even more.

 

It didn't push her away until I finally told her that I didn't think it was a good idea to talk to her or be friends with her anymore. She had left me for one guy, tried to keep me along as a friend/back up, and screwed a second guy in the process. I had to use NC the only way it works - to start over again.

 

Granted, I'm still emotionally hurt by having to make that decision, because I didn't want to. But I wasn't left with much else. I had to regain control of my life, and NC does that in the best way possible.