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We have been emailing each other. Mainly because I wanted to know what she was up to. She is doing so well, going out a lot, work is going great guns. She says she has never felt so confident with her work and within herself, and that it is liberating. She also says that her family misses me but she thinks that they understand why she has to do it. She says so she can push herself to achieve more (I still don'y buy that but whatever). I believe it is because she doesn't love me anymore, because I never stopped her doing anything she wanted. She asked what I had been up to, but it all seemed so **** compared to her. She is off overseas for work next week, she is spending all her time with her new work friends. These are the ones she says she "bonded" with on her convention.

 

She seams so strong within herself now, I wish I could be.

 

She got so wasted at a gig the other night she got kicked out but doesn't remember anything. It meant she couldn't come around to drop my stuff off. Thats ok. But it worried me. I told her about the extent of my depression, she knows that it isn't just due to the break up, it has always been there. But it is pretty bad right now. I can't concentrate and I have no self-confidence, and it is not just over her.

 

But sadly, I still love her. I can't help that. I wish I could. I really really really lover her. She still mesmerises me when I think of her face and her nature. I know I have to get over her, I know I do. But before the relationship I was depressed (and during it) and I still am now, so I know it isn't just the depression, I know that I actually love her.

 

So yeah, just needed to vent.

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Ouch, sorry Jond your in the thick of it, and it sucks. That depression does not help.

 

Despite all that, there is things that will. First stop the emails, any contact is just reminding you how bad you feel. It feed both the pain and the depression. Make the commitment to go NC, its hard but needed.

 

What are you doing for the depression... exercising, eating healthy, staying away from the booze and such, seeing anyone, looking into meds?

 

All of it does get better.

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Yeah I am on meds, and have a counsellor. I have a family history of this and I need to fix it for good somehow.

 

I know I need to go NC, but she contacted and we talked. Five years is a long time, with lots of connections that have built up so it was easy to have things to talk about. She wanted to know all about my family and I genuinely wanted to know what was happening with her. I think she still cares for me, but she is in such a strong successful place. A place I would like to be. But the depression has always been a beast that has held me back.

 

The issue is that I have trouble socialising, I really want to do what most people do and that is have friends who will go and have activities with you like see bands or maybe go to the beach but I have always found this hard. Now she is doing it it just makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. And there is because I find life very very hard, I kind of let it happen to me as opposed to live it. It makes me jealous and sad.

 

And like I said, loving her is easy because I do. It isn't just being needy, I care for her. But I know I have to let her go. I know I do.

 

The year before I met her I was very low, I was at uni but I had no friends there. I had now part time work I could find and I used to sit at home alone in my room each night. It was hell. And i have found myself back there so quickly, i couldn't get out of bed last weekend it was awful. it isn't wallowing, it is an actually illness I have carried since I was a teenager.

 

It has stopped me doing so much, I have to find a way to beat it.

Thanks for listening guys, it has been very helpful.

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I do understand. One of the positives that came out of my break-up was I finally discovered that I would not ever go back to that really dark place depression once put me in. Not to say it is not still part me, something that I will always have to work at, but while there will be downs never what it was. I will find your way too.

 

One of the important thing I learn, again thanks to my break-up, exercise is not something that is good for me, it is simple a requirement. While all the other things are helpful, exercise makes the difference. I highly recommend you find some type or types activity that keeps you moving everyday. More and mores studies shows exercise is the best treatment for depression. Understand though, do not wait to be motivated, first comes the doing then comes the feeling. It true with depression as it is with healing from a break up.

 

I also suggest taking up cooking as a hobby. It is a good distraction plus it encourages you to eat better, and he better you eat the better you feel. Plus it a great way to win over a new one when you ready.

 

I also understand the friend things, I have too always been the type of one or two close ones, nothing wrong with that. I suspect much of what your feeling now is loneliness which is understandable, you going through a break up.

 

Keep posting, you not alone, and you will get there.

 

.

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Just got back from the doc. gonna take some time off work and try and focus on the Psychologists.

 

It is funny the things that set you off, I am housesitting a house at the moment and my friend texted me to see if I was making the most of the house. It triggered me right off, because I was lying on the floor having a panic attack at the time !! Oh well.

 

Life can be bloody weird I tell ya!

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Here I will give you another panic attack and then use it to get you going. Either go for long jog or a linger walk. Get your self bloody tired.

 

Then tell me what your going to fix yourself for dinner.

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