How do I get over wanting revenge?

[LoveTruthChaos]

So, a fair few of you are probably sick of me cra*ping on about this stupid breakup that I should be well and truly over by now but I'm not.

 

We were together for more than a year and a half, mostly long distance. He was 41, I was 25. I'm Australian, he's American. He left me at the start of April for another chick, who he's now with, and had been cheating on me with.

 

It's been 3.5 months since he called me and broke up with me. I don't want him back. I live my life forwards. He's a dirtbag and I never want to see him again for as long as I live.

 

The thing is though...I can't seem to get past the fact that I want him to HURT the way he's made me hurt. He doesn't deserve happiness after how much he's hurt me. Being cheated on is horrible. I have excellent self esteem, and yet I still wonder what it is about her that I don't have. God forbid if I had esteem issues! There is absolutely no one in this world like me - if I must say so, I'm extremely unique and very proud of it. He ain't ever gonna find someone even remotely like me. Why was that suddenly not enough?

 

Okay, I'm rambling now.

 

Back on track - I was doing okay for a couple of weeks, but the last couple of days I've slipped back into anger and revenge mode. Has anyone got any ideas of how to let go of feelings of wanting revenge? It's getting a little all-consuming, and I don't want these feelings to swallow me whole.

 

It's not like I'm not keeping busy either. When I'm at work I feel like this, no matter how busy it is, the thoughts creep in. And when I'm not at work, I'm busy packing boxes to move house, so I'm always doing something.

 

GOD how I WISH Karma would bite him on the a** in front of me....

Edited July 18, 2010 by LoveTruthChaos

[mikezombie777]

Karama WILL bite him on the butt. Just you watch! But no through your own doings.

Be the better person, he doesn't deserve to have you feeling like this over him. Don't become what you hate. You seem to be a really nice person and its understandable why you want him to suffer, but sit back and remember it won't change how you're feeling. It may seem good in theory, but it's not in practice.

 

You'll feel that you've stopped to his level. I hope you feel better soon LTC!

[TheLoneSock]

You get over wanting revenge by getting over the person. It's as simple as that.

 

If you still want revenge, it's because you still want them whether you admit it or not.

[GrayClouds]

Revenge is wanting to prove your worth, prove it to the person who hurt, but more proving it to yourself.

 

I suspect it has more to do with a greater hurt from long time ago that you have never really come to grips with if it is as intense as you suggest. It may be worth while spending some time down that road. And maybe your just in the anger stage, 3 months is not that long.

 

Try picking up the book "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" it will help regardless of why your feeling like you are.

[Username37]

I was at a point where I really wanted to hurt my ex. She changed her personality 180 degrees and I was ticked off. I could honestly say I was out for blood.

 

Then I realized, why play this game? What's there to prove really? I realized that the reason I wanted revenge was because i wanted her back.

 

Like what mikezombie said. Be the better person. You already are. Stay that way.

[DustySaltus]

When you get that inevitable call months from now from him that says he made a mistake (because the new girl left him). The best revenge will be when you hang up, because that's when the karma will truly hit. I was in the revenge mode once myself. The thought of revenge always makes us feel good in the short term but the consenquences can last a lifetime.

[TaraMaiden]

The thing is though...I can't seem to get past the fact that I want him to HURT the way he's made me hurt. He doesn't deserve happiness after how much he's hurt me. ......

(...)I've slipped back into anger and revenge mode. Has anyone got any ideas of how to let go of feelings of wanting revenge? It's getting a little all-consuming, and I don't want these feelings to swallow me whole.

 

(. . .)

GOD how I WISH Karma would bite him on the a** in front of me....

 

What, like your karma is biting you on the @$s right now?

you think when we wish karmic retribution on anyone, we too are not enduring our own Karma?

 

Karma is as a result of volitional, deliberate and wilful intention.

 

Karma is not being punished FOR our sins, it's being punished BY them.

 

I don't know, and have not researched your previous threads to investigate, so forgive my obvious and evident ignorance...

I do understand that his actions have hurt you deeply.

 

but I don't know how wilfully deliberate and intentional his actions were, with regard to actively wanting to hurt you.

Did he do any of this, with a solid and actively planned strategy to actually hurt you?

or was that just a bi-product of his complete self-centredness, cheating, selfish desire?

 

Be honest now.

 

However, you are actively, deliberately, intentionally wishing to hurt him.

To see him in pain. To cause him some kind of harm.

So, (and here I'm going to get utterly whacked for it) your karma risks being worse than his.

[LoveTruthChaos]

Thank you so much everyone, I really appreciate it.

 

Be the better person, he doesn't deserve to have you feeling like this over him. Don't become what you hate.

 

You're so right. I feel like I'm becoming so jaded and I'm turning back into the attitude I held about relationships before I met him. I consider myself to be very laid back, free spirited, compassionate person....but lately I'm just a big ball of anger, and I'm almost resenting myself. I don't like this person, nor can I handle her. I'm going to work very hard to turn my frown upside down! Being with friends brings me back to my true self, and I haven't been out with them for a couple of weeks now. Looks like I need to change that!

 

 

 

Revenge is wanting to prove your worth, prove it to the person who hurt, but more proving it to yourself.

 

I suspect it has more to do with a greater hurt from long time ago that you have never really come to grips with if it is as intense as you suggest.

 

Hmmmm, possibly. It is a VERY intense hurt. I do have a very passionate need/desire to prove myself to people. Might be because my father abandoned me before I was born, but who knows.

 

 

 

When you get that inevitable call months from now from him that says he made a mistake (because the new girl left him). The best revenge will be when you hang up, because that's when the karma will truly hit.

 

I won't ever get a call from him. He's convinced himself that this person is the be all and end all in his life. He's a committment-o-phobe, and yet, I'm sure he's going to end up marrying this one (ugh). Believe me, I would LOVE for him to call right now JUST so I can hang up in his face.

 

 

 

Did he do any of this, with a solid and actively planned strategy to actually hurt you?

or was that just a bi-product of his complete self-centredness, cheating, selfish desire?

 

Be honest now.

 

However, you are actively, deliberately, intentionally wishing to hurt him.

To see him in pain. To cause him some kind of harm.

So, (and here I'm going to get utterly whacked for it) your karma risks being worse than his.

 

TaraMaiden....THANK YOU.

One thing I pride myself on is my ability to not only be brutally honest, but to be open to hearing the brutal truth.

 

I don't think he set out to hurt me intentionally. But I do not believe he was truly sorry for it either. He had put off breaking up with me for so long that he no longer cared about my feelings at all. When he broke up with me, it was like I was made to feel like the 'other woman', when I was his girlfriend. If that makes sense at all. Like I was such an inconvenience to him and his plans with the girl he left me for.

 

I know, I need to let it go. I don't like who I'm becoming, and it needs to stop right now. What doesn't help is that every cycle I PMS something chronic, and I 'cycle' every 3 weeks (so a little more often than most, which throws me off balance just when I think I'm on top of it all). Can't seem to break it because of my hormones

 

I'll think more carefully from now on.

[TouchedByViolet]

You get over wanting revenge by getting over the person. It's as simple as that.

 

This!!!!!

 

Normally, I believe in the "don't get mad, get even" mentality. However, sometimes in life it is impossible to get even. In these cases you must accept what was done to you and treat the event as a learning lesson. Eventually your feelings about this guy's life will be of indifference. I don't think their are any short cuts when dealing with your feelings. Just try to gain as much maturity as possible.

[GrayClouds]

Hmmmm, possibly. It is a VERY intense hurt. I do have a very passionate need/desire to prove myself to people. Might be because my father abandoned me before I was born, but who knows.

 

Please get the book; "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. I will bet dollars to donuts it will be significant for you.

[r6060]

I don't think he set out to hurt me intentionally. But I do not believe he was truly sorry for it either. He had put off breaking up with me for so long that he no longer cared about my feelings at all. When he broke up with me, it was like I was made to feel like the 'other woman', when I was his girlfriend. If that makes sense at all. Like I was such an inconvenience to him and his plans with the girl he left me for.

 

LTC,

 

I just have to note that this paragraph helped me tremendously... and it makes complete and perfect sense to me. I think this is where most of the pain comes from in my situation.

 

For me she clearly she didn't mean to or want to hurt me...but the indifference and complete disregard that she did hurt me terribly and the additional pain that comes from the follow up attitude of "can't you just go away, I'm happy now and I shouldn't have to deal with you, your pain, or you needing to try to figure this out at all" is like a whole other stake through the heart... all while you are trying to figure out how you actually could get from where you were to where you are in the first place.

[TaraMaiden]

TaraMaiden....THANK YOU.

One thing I pride myself on is my ability to not only be brutally honest, but to be open to hearing the brutal truth.

Well there you go.

Well done you for being open enough to take it, and it was meant with good intention, so I'm grateful to you for being so receptive......

 

I don't think he set out to hurt me intentionally. But I do not believe he was truly sorry for it either. He had put off breaking up with me for so long that he no longer cared about my feelings at all. When he broke up with me, it was like I was made to feel like the 'other woman', when I was his girlfriend. If that makes sense at all. Like I was such an inconvenience to him and his plans with the girl he left me for.

It does make complete sense. The blindly blinkered selfish will convince themselves of anything in order to justify their actions to themselves.

His heart had moved on long ago, and frankly, he had quite literally divorced himself from the relationship. Unfortunately, he had omitted to inform you of these events as they unfolded in his mind...

I'm sorry - really I am - that he could have treated you in this way. And I think he convinced himself to behave in a cold and indifferent manner, to make it easier for him, and to appease his own conscience.

I can't tell you fore sure what karma he has accumulated for himself, but I can't disagree with you - it won't be good.

The only thing I can tell you is that he probably has no notion of this at all, and at some point - now or in the mid- to distant future - it will activate.

Karma's a tricky thing, and the logistics of it are virtually inexplicable.

But the more mindful you are of what you do with yours, and generating the best kind, the better you'll feel about yourself. And the easier the load will be to bear.

 

 

I know, I need to let it go. I don't like who I'm becoming, and it needs to stop right now.

Admission, and recognising the problem, is the first step in your healing process. One way to consider this "improvement" is to remember that he actually doesn't deserve your attention.

Whatever attention you give him (whether he is aware of it or not) is abdicating your power and weakening your self to accommodate someone who actually is worthless and insignificant in your life.

 

Giving your thinking time to thoughts of him, is a waste of your precious energy, and more importantly your precious time.

 

Let me put this as bluntly and starkly as I can:

let us suppose you continue harbouring negative feelings, thoughts, emotions about him. They fester, grow and multiply and create a real bitterness. You find more and more of your time, devoted to thinking of ways of really getting one over him, and it becomes all-consuming.

because of this, your outlook on life in general becomes jaded, and you remain fixated on this burning issue.

Then - you get hit by a truck. Stupid driver was drunk AND on his phone, the jerk!

Do you really want to be in a situation where your life might end with this frame of mind weighing upon you?

Or would it not be nicer to transform your attitude into one that builds you up, makes you stand tall, and in which you rise above the petty, insensitive and selfish mind-frame of the jerk he is?

 

Forgive me for adding a morbid angle, but Living holds no guarantees, which is why "making the best of every moment we have" is of primary importance.

You have a life to live.....

Live it!

Pay it the respect it deserves, and give yourself your attention!

Nobody is more deserving!!

 

What doesn't help is that every cycle I PMS something chronic, and I 'cycle' every 3 weeks (so a little more often than most, which throws me off balance just when I think I'm on top of it all). Can't seem to break it because of my hormones

I call this my DCS.

Not my PMS, DCS.

Diamond-Clarity-syndrome.

This is actually a time when your inherent femininity, intuition and hormonal governing as a woman comes into its own.

Contrary to opinion that states our moods and emotions fluctuate wildly, without rhyme or reason I am firmly and truly of the opinion that this is a time when we women are at our sharpest, and when we think more lucidly, honestly and accurately.

This is when our feminine wisdom screams to be heard, and we give it voice.The rest of the time, we practice tact, diplomacy, sensitivity and discretion.

Well, screw that.

let it out girl!

 

But - do so skilfully.

perceive what damage you are doing to yourself and use this time to lay the foundation of straightforward and direct thinking - for you. Think about what you're doing, and train yourself - during a time when brutal honesty can work for you - to discipline your thought processes, and re-direct your focus to where it matters most.

 

I'll think more carefully from now on.

I don't doubt this at all.

 

I'm sorry this has been long.

I'm just trying to help.....

[LikeCharlotte]

You tell yourself that you want to be happy. Find someone new. Not suffering over it is the greatest revenge. I never let anyone look at me with pity, as if leaving me did me some horrible disservice. Pft. Who do they think they are acting as if I/you should feel gifted to have them and "oh so desparate and hurt" by their leaving. Whatever. You'll find someone better and laugh that they had the arrogance to assume you needed pity.