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Feeling that you don't deserve love?


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

 
 
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Old 16th July 2010, 3:17 PM   #1
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Feeling that you don't deserve love?

With recent feelings coming back, i've realised that when I fall in love I idealise the person I fall in love with; they become perfect and untouchable and I by default, suddenly feel very inferior and overwhelmed and tend to sabotague that love and spoil it because deep down I hold certain beliefs that relationships don't last and that a man will only eventually lie, become bored or cheat (I do not say this to offend any men on the forum, this is simply my engrained belief, i'm not saying its correct, just that its what I feel.)

I've tried to 'correct' my idealism but it only leaves me feeling cold and unable to let anyone in.

I don't know that lack of self-esteem is the problem as I have healthy self-esteem UNTIL I enter a relationship. It is only in relationships that my self-esteem sinks and I begin to worry/fret that the relationship wont work out and that they'll leave me. I think I feel I don't deserve love. Admitting this is really quite painful right now.
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Old 16th July 2010, 4:16 PM   #2
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You are doing amazingly with the self-discovery, Nikki. I think you are very close to the root of your issues.

I am afraid I feel low self-esteem is the cause. The thing about self-esteem is that no-one can take it away from you. So, although you may worry from time to time about losing what you love, or need clearer communication about this or that, you NEVER feel truly threatened by another person's behaviour. As a result, depsite the fact that - being human - you will lose it from time to time, it is never for long and you recover at a pace that is deemed 'healthy'.

Your post to your ex on the other thread was moving and real but indicates you have deep-seated issues that, in my humble (but professional) opinion, need attention.

The fact that you are able to articulate these uncomfortable truths, shows you have amazing potential to, not only, recover but really transform your life and get everything you want out of it.

Try therapy again and keep up with the honest communication. To your next therapist, to yourself, to us and to those around you.

Congruence is key.

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Old 16th July 2010, 6:55 PM   #3
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I don't have a healthy self-esteem when I'm out of a relationship. But other than that I feel exactly as you do.

I think I've mentioned before how I think we have very similar personalities. But I could be mistaken you with someone else on here
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Old 17th July 2010, 6:41 AM   #4
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No I remember you saying that before

I'm starting to feel that 'getting to know' myself is like falling down a never ending rabbit hole.
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Old 17th July 2010, 9:48 AM   #5
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Bless.

I liked that well analogy someone posted here a while ago: You fall down the well then realise you're worth saving, so scratch and fight your way, brick by brick, up to the top.

When you get there, though, it's changed. Comparitively, it's paradise.

We're here.

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Old 17th July 2010, 11:13 AM   #6
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Nikki - ( I know I'm an ass, but this is a legitimate post so I hope you read it)...

I am going through a rough time emotionally right now.... i'm under so much pressure from school (PhD work) so having 2 failed relationships that were bombs are really beginning to make me crack and break down.

Life is always full of surprises as long as you don't shut it out and seclude yourself. Yes, there are periods where you want to do such... and you should BUT only for a day or 2 to self-reflect. No longer.

There will ALWAYS be ups and downs and most everyone has dragged themselves emotionally through the mud...and it's so worth the effort you put in to get through. When you get up out of the mud and clean yourself off you'll feel like a new person all over again.

What does someone else have that you don't? What do you have that 'they' don't? Someone meets you - clearly there is some distinct interest in YOU they don't have in someone else. Once you weed out the guy from being a player / interested in only sex... don't over think the situation and don't be anhedonic. All you can be is yourself. And if he sees that, that's all you need. Why waste your breathe on someone who doesn't think that's good enough? I know you wouldn't on him. If he's in possession of a number of red flags, I'm sure you'd walk away. Don't settle for less. Don't be over picky, but don't settle for a man who won't see you and appreciate that. The man who will is out there. Don't overlook him, though...

We all get so caught up in ourselves we fail to see the world around us. Everyone has flaws, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and weaknesses.... and when you realize that and see them for what they are and accept it all with open, loving arms... what more could you ask for?

Smile Nikki, you're growing up Most people don't read this stage for awhile.
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