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what the f*cking f*ck?!


ALombard

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Hello everyone!

 

So as usual I am just giving everyone an update (I should really start my own "life" blog or something by this point). First and foremost, to all of you who read and replied to my most recent thread, "thank you". I cannot even begin to tell you how much it meant to me to see how people I don't even know personally could care so much about my issues. It helped a lot.

 

Here's the update;

 

The last week has been a weird one. With the torn feelings, being confused, depressed, etc. I feel like I am in a good spot in my life, finally. I did, however, break up with my current girlfriend. Not out of spite or because I want my ex back but because I felt....bad. I have read and replied to countless threads on here regarding people in relationships still talking to or wanting their ex's. I have never agreed with it and therefor felt like a hypocrite doing it. My current girlfreind was very understanding, which was weird, and told me she would stick by my side relationship or not. All I have to say to that is, "wow". I am not going to lead her on and was very clear in how I was feeling and how the stress and idea of a new relationship just wasn't something I could do for the time being. I have no idea what is going to happen with her but right now it's the best thing for ME to do.

 

Coincidentally, the day I posted my last thread my ex called me. The conversation was nothing amazing, she just asked if she could pick up the dog for the weekend seeing as she missed him. I agreed, it really isn't a big deal and he his her dog as well so whatever. Funny thing is after that conversation she called me later again that night, I did not answer. I go about my normal routine, I didn't think about her at all. It's great I really don't think about her much after my little "break down" a few days ago. Back to the story at hand, so I leave work. As some of you might know I work nights so I usually don't get out of work until 7:30 in the morning. On my drive home I get a call, it's her. I answer, wondering why she is calling me so early and she tells me she is still drunk and wanted to talk to me (her still drunk at 7:30 am? Such a shocker! haha). Anyway we talk, I get home, tell her I am going to bed and hang up.

 

I will say less than 15 minutes later she calls again. Tells me she is afraid her father is drinking again. Her dad is a 11 year sober alcoholic and I mean he was a crazy ass drunk from what I heard from her family. Now eventhough I am not with her, her dad and I always got along great. In fact he kept in contact with me each time her and I broke up, so he's a really nice guy. Because of the circumstance I talk to her about it and let her vent, the conversation ended up going for almost an hour. Eh, whatever.

 

The funny thing is, and this made me laugh numerous times during both of our conversations was she kept saying to me, "I really should not be talking to you because "so so" will flip the **** out". I mean what the f*ck, don't talk to me then! I never asked her to call me, in all honesty since she told me last week that we had to stop talking because of "so so" I haven't even tried to contact her. Ugh, ex's, they are just such two sided creatures.

 

I have noticed from my experience and from the threads here that a lot people have problems when it comes to contact with ex's. I have seen a lot of, "My ex told me stop contacting him/her so I did. Now they are calling me". Funny how that works isn't it? They put you through hell, make you go through the amazing stages of lonliness, bitterness, anger, and depression and then call you out of the blue and want to have a conversation. Now I did slip up the last two days, I take full responsibility for that, but I do not like seeing others go through the confusion of trying to be civil with your ex.

 

I do not expect a phone call from her today, I've realized if you don't hope for something to happen you can not be let down, and if she does call me I will have to ask her genuinely what she is trying to pull.

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I have noticed from my experience and from the threads here that a lot people have problems when it comes to contact with ex's. I have seen a lot of, "My ex told me stop contacting him/her so I did. Now they are calling me". Funny how that works isn't it? They put you through hell, make you go through the amazing stages of lonliness, bitterness, anger, and depression and then call you out of the blue and want to have a conversation. Now I did slip up the last two days, I take full responsibility for that, but I do not like seeing others go through the confusion of trying to be civil with your ex.

 

i love this cliche.... i remember while we were discussing our break up (yes we were discussing it) as you may or may not know ours was complicated - i recall her telling me that it would be too hard for her to talk to me on the phone or see me as there are too many feelings still there - so i said ok and that i understood (i didnt i could not bear the thought of her not being there)...

 

anyways she texts me the night i moved out, then 2 days later she phones, and would phone me everyday for the first week - then it came every second day to check on me and see how i am doing cos she was worried about me - me being the idiot always answered thinking she wants to come back - and even though i knew that everytime i saw her name flash up on my phone i went back to all the pain and grief i still do it....

 

but yeah its such a damn cliche that they tell us NC yet they break it...

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I've experienced this too. I only contact my ex regarding matters with our son, but I don't talk about the relationship. But he'll eventually break NC and try to goad me into an argument. He's done in twice now, and I won't allow it to happen again.

 

I imagine, though, this won't be the last I've heard of him. In fact, if my dreams are any indication, I need to man-up and prepare for the storm.

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teanoranges

I keep telling myself that its a good thing my ex doesn't try to contact me... I don't have to deal with all this drama-stuff...

at one point, I would have been calling you all lucky to be getting calls....

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In a twisted sort of way she is giving you a bit of help about not feeling so bad. Through the reminder of the behavior she is capable of; drunk 7:30 morning, going behind here current in a way she knows would hurt him, and using you to feel better at your expense it may help a bit to continue let go of what was when you can see what is. Also props for knowing your not in the place for it and letting the new one go. Very few would have the courage to do that. ALombard keep moving in this direction and soon you will be the LS poster child for what good can come out of a break-up if you decide to focus on yourself and use it to grow.

 

 

 

PS. Did you get my 2nd reply on your last thread?

 

 

 

.

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Hey GC,

 

Yeah I got your last post on my thread. No worries, I didn't take it personally.

 

I think you're right about what she did though. When she called me yesterday her exact words when I said hello were this, " I know I shouldn't be calling you right now because "so so" would flip out but you're the only person I know who is up and I am still so drunk right now." After that I just thought to myself, "wow! this was the girl I fell in love with?"

 

Also, I feel really good about my current break up, she is actually sitting next to me right now. She told me she didn't want to lose me because what we have is so good and I agreed but I did, once again, tell her I was not ready to make anything official. I do love her I am just not IN LOVE with her. She knows this and she is somehow taking this as a mature adult. Maybe it's her age, she's 23 and my ex is 21. She also was in a 6 year relationship before me. I am not going to lead her on and I have been very honest with her since we got together. So yeah, weird.

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Hey GC,

 

Yeah I got your last post on my thread. No worries, I didn't take it personally.

 

I think you're right about what she did though. When she called me yesterday her exact words when I said hello were this, " I know I shouldn't be calling you right now because "so so" would flip out but you're the only person I know who is up and I am still so drunk right now." After that I just thought to myself, "wow! this was the girl I fell in love with?"

 

Also, I feel really good about my current break up, she is actually sitting next to me right now. She told me she didn't want to lose me because what we have is so good and I agreed but I did, once again, tell her I was not ready to make anything official. I do love her I am just not IN LOVE with her. She knows this and she is somehow taking this as a mature adult. Maybe it's her age, she's 23 and my ex is 21. She also was in a 6 year relationship before me. I am not going to lead her on and I have been very honest with her since we got together. So yeah, weird.

 

Talking about a quality girl..

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If she continues this game I would suggest trying out some of that new emotional availability and tell her "Do you understand this is feels emotionally manipulative and a bit hurtful and suggest you find a better way to deal with your problems using the people who you chosen to be part of your life." in the kindest most thoughtful manner you can.

 

It would be good practice for you, and what do you have to loose.;)

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Wait, are you talking about my ex? Or the girl I just broke up with? I am confused. I don't feel like the the girl I just dumped is playing games, she is very genuine and has done a lot for me and put up with a lot for me.

 

My ex on the other, do I f*cking hate her sometimes. She seems to only want to talk to me when it's okay with her. She calls me, bitches about her dad to me, I listen. Yet she can't do the same for me? Eh, f*ck her, I'll let her see the dog this weekend but I'm straight up tired of her crap. I'll be fine after 3 days of not talking to her and all of a sudden its, "Sorry for calling, but I'm sh*t faced and it's 8 AM. Oh by the way can I tell you about how crappy my life is and bring up my new boyfriend every 3 minutes in our conversation?" Ha! DUMB C*NT...that's all I am going to say.

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AlwaysConflicted

My ex broke up with me and never looked back. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. At least if she contacted me, I would feel like she actually cared about me. Instead I feel like the entire relationship was one sided and that she lied about loving me. So I'm not sure what is really better.

 

Regardless, I'm happy to hear you're doing well. You did the right thing by your most recent ex.

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Always - I know it's hard to believe, but she is doing you a favor by not contacting you. Look at the number of people who do get contacted, then live in hope their ex wants to reconcile only to have them either disappear or yank the carpet out again.

 

I haven't heard from my ex either, and while I admit for the first month it was hard, I am now grateful. It allowed me to move on from her and realize the deficiences in both her and the relationship.

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Wait, are you talking about my ex? Or the girl I just broke up with? I am confused. I don't feel like the the girl I just dumped is playing games, she is very genuine and has done a lot for me and put up with a lot for me.

 

My ex on the other, do I f*cking hate her sometimes. She seems to only want to talk to me when it's okay with her. She calls me, bitches about her dad to me, I listen. Yet she can't do the same for me? Eh, f*ck her, I'll let her see the dog this weekend but I'm straight up tired of her crap. I'll be fine after 3 days of not talking to her and all of a sudden its, "Sorry for calling, but I'm sh*t faced and it's 8 AM. Oh by the way can I tell you about how crappy my life is and bring up my new boyfriend every 3 minutes in our conversation?" Ha! DUMB C*NT...that's all I am going to say.

 

 

Yes not your "Friend" but Miss 7:30-how-dry-I-am-hickup-hickup-lets-talk EX. And see if you can do it in a honest non destructive way to help build some communication skills ;)

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Yes. Tell the dumb cunt (still can't believe that doesn't get censored..) to sling her hook.

 

But use GC's words. It'll make you feel a whole lot better.

 

:D

 

x

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Copy that!

 

Yeah I can't believe "cunt" doesn't get censored either...cunt cunt cunty cunt cunt..that was fun.

 

Okay yeah anyway I'll try that plan of attack you suggested GC. My ex is stopping by the house tomorrow to pick up the dog for the day. I most likely will be asleep so I'm praying she doesn't try to come "talk" to me. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

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...cunt cunt cunty cunt cunt..that was fun.

 

God, I really needed to laugh out loud and that did it!

 

Thank you. :lmao:

 

One thing, though - your avoidance strategy reminded me of my plan when the student accommodation inspector visited our shared house. I couldn't be bothered to explain why I'd put my posters up with Blu-Tak - just didn't have the energy to go into why I'd broken the contract so effortlessly. She came into my room and I pretended to lightly snore.

 

I've since grown up (only a bit) and know that when you the ground you stand on has justification to keep you upright, stating it almost always feels better.

 

x

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I never asked to be this way. I have always been told I am emotionally unavailable which I somewhat blame on my upbringing.

 

And you do not need a plan of "attack" is not about winning or losing. Emotional availability is simple knowing what ever the outcome we will be all right. The risk of opening, be honest about your needs and wants, expressing your feelings are outed weighed by the rewards of doing it via healthier, happier, more successful and fulfilling relationship.

 

Going through the hell of a break-up, feeling the deepest hurt we can and moving on teaches our strengths, what we are capable of, how in the end bad emotions do not control us. We seen the worst and we survived, and not only surviving but if work hard having grown. We do not have to hide from our emotions, disconnected from them, or keep them out of reach of others. We have tought ourselves no matter how strong our emotion get how much pain they offer, we are not defined by them, we are stronger then them. We do not have to be afraid of them any more. This is what a break-up can teach us.

 

And with any new lesson we learn, practice makes perfect. At first our lesson. The more we practice, the more skillful and confident we get until it become a unconscious part of us.

 

Many never able to or have courage to admit is holding them back from having the relationship they truly want . ALombard your one of the lucky ones to have discovered what that item is.

 

This situation give you a perfect opportunity to practice being emotional available. You may ask "why should I be available to this cunt? (cunt cunt cunt...ya that is kind of fun;)) It is not for her, it for you. So if you do not avoid and be open and honest, say something like:"Do you understand this is feels emotionally manipulative and a bit hurtful and suggest it would better way to deal with your problems using the people who you chosen to be part of your life", you grow. It helps you develop the skills so you can be available to those who mean something in your life.

Edited by GrayClouds
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Hey GC,

 

Yeah I wont be having any issues with my ex anymore and here is why!

 

So as you all know, she wanted to come pick up "our" dog and see him for the day, which I agreed to. She called to remind me, I went to sleep and was woken up by my Dad later in the day. I decided to stay up and wait for her to come get the dog because she wanted me to. I see her come up to the house and who does she bring? HER F*CKING BOYFRIEND!!!!! I am beyond livid with her. She took the dog, I texted her later telling her that as soon as she drops the dog off I am done with her. I want her out of my life for good and she won't be seeing the dog anymore.

 

Everything between her and I was fine, I even saw us becoming friends in the future. But after this I am just appaled, how little respect do you have to have for someone to bring you new S/O to your ex's house. Not only that but let him come into your ex's house (I was outside on my porch by the way so I didn't know he came in until after they left). I MEAN SERIOUSLY WHAT THE F*CK?!

 

I hope she dies, not metaphorically...literally. I hope she gets hit by a f*cking car. People like her do not deserve to be alive.

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that sucks but then its good. Done.

 

She a game plaing drama loving type of gal, is isn't she? I suspected that was part of the attraction between you to. A constant dance of give and take... she being emotional manipulative and you being emotional distance. And more often then not she would lead the dance and one way or another she could get some emotion out of you, Usually in the form of anger? It the easiest of emotions to express and allow us to have a sense of control while we do. But hell, at least she got you to show something and it was kind of good to feel it, to let something of it out.

 

Damn if I would continue to guess, I suspect this explain why the new gal, despite the beauty, kindness, and affection just does not do it for you. She is perfect on paper but there is that one thing something missing, that spark; she can not force the emotions out of you like the old she devil of the EX could.

 

If I am any close to being right, where does that lead you? As I see it one of 2 choices:

 

1. Keep having realtionship with gals like the EX, it sucks and is unhealthy but at least it emotional stimulating.

 

2. Understand that honest, healthy and happy girls will be boring to you or you will be boning to them until you do the hard work of learning to open up, take those exciting risks, learn healthier ways to behave in realtionships and freeing yourself to express those deep emotions.

 

The second choice would not be the easy choice, it would take a good deal of hard work and courage, maybe even some help from a professional but the rewards would be high.

 

Like I said just guessing, anything close?

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GC, I think you are the first person ever to actually say something to me that makes sense. You're right, I fed off the crap her and I went through. After she moved out of my house 2 years ago and the relationship started getting very rocky is when I became the guy who would die for her. She loved it, but when I finally decided to put my foot down she didn't like it. But yeah I was addicted to the drama, to that feeling of having someone but not really HAVING them.

 

I don't know where to go from here. The girls I date usually seem normal when I first get with them, it's after the first 6 monts or year (you know, after the honeymoon stage) that I see them for who they are.

 

Example, with my ex her and I were perfect for 8 months, never fought, rarely even argued. I did anything and everything for her. But after 8 months, and 2 months of living together we got comfortable and that's when the fights started. After she moved out of my house 1 1/2 years later is when I saw her for her real self. The manipulative, lying, emotional f*cked up bitch.

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I don't know where to go from here. The girls I date usually seem normal when I first get with them, it's after the first 6 monts or year (you know, after the honeymoon stage) that I see them for who they are.

 

There is always the exception, but by and large we attract the people what what we want.

 

You stated in your earlier post you now see that emotionally you hold yourself back. As yourself what type a person would be attracted to that? Generally someone who want to prove somehting to themselve, who feel a need for a challenge, someone who grew up trying working to get an emotional response out of the people who claim to love them. Somewhere deep that really do not believe they deserve love if it comes to easy. They feel they must work very hard to get a response. They look for someone who fits that pattern, hence your EX finding you.

 

You in return have learn to hold yourself back, limit what you give. You want someone like your EX for she does all the work, who, who will force emotions out of you. You do not have to give because she is constantly pulling you for some. While deeply wanting it, both people are really scared to be loved, you by holding yourself back, she by only getting involved with someone who will not give.

 

In someways it is a perfect relationship, you both do what comes natural, she pulls your retreat. Even though it not healthy interaction it is what you both feel safe doing, but overtime it starts to build. Until it feels she is pulling to hard at you and for her your not giving enough to her and then, crazy hits the fan.

 

So if you are tired of these types, what do you do? If you behave different you will attract different. If that is really what you want, it means learn to be emotional open, venerable. Liston to what your dad told you, and tell him he wrong. Start taking the risk of exposing your feelings, it make take work with a professional, it may mean reading some books. It will means practicing, but this is where you go next if you want to grow. Though as you get better, this type of girl will be scared off and the type of girl who expects opens a dislikes drama will be attracted.

 

Frighting as hell, it means learning a new way, it means changing. We hate change even it its the best thing for us. If I was to speculate, it really appears you are ready for the challenge.

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