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Not Coping at all today - and had the weirdest of dreams - and broke NC


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Well today has been a roller coaster day.

 

I had the weirdest of dreams last night after speaking to her for 45 mins on the phone before going to bed (I know I need to go NC but every time she phones a part of me hopes she is phoning to say she wants to get back together).

 

Anyways she phoned about 4 times yesterday – then the last time was at night just as I was attempting to sleep – we talked and somehow the conversation steered towards her dad still giving her crap about everything else in her life (for those of you that don’t know my story you can find it on my other posts – basically her dad did not approve of her dating person who was of a different race - which I am and she broke it off because of that). So anyways the conversation somehow steered towards her growing up life and her dad still giving her crap etc… she said something which I don’t think she meant to (I don’t know though) she said that basically her main reason for ending things due to her dad was because in the past every time her dad told her something was “Wrong” i.e. her choices in life he always turned out to be right – in the sense in the past if he told her that if she dated someone who he didn’t like it wouldn’t work out it never did and stuff like that.

 

I basically just responded to that by saying that the only reason she chooses to believe and accept that is because ever since she was a child she has this memory ingrained into her mind that even if things are going well she will end up sabotaging them because she has this thought in her mind that if her dad does not approve of it then she will never be happy. Granted I know our parents want the best for us, but I was always brought up in an environment where my folks gave us their advice and guidance but after a certain age they believed that in life sometimes we all make mistakes and we learn from them and sometimes they let us (their kids) make those mistakes, however they never ever forced us not to do something simply because they didn’t like it or approve of it. I basically told her my views and opinions on this to which she readily agreed that yes – in her mind she had just come to accept that whatever her dad says in right even if she does not agree with it. Anyways cut a long story short I didn’t talk about the relationship from there on and played it cool (again I know I need to go NC)…

 

Anyways back to my night and day – I then proceeded to have the weirdest of dreams – I was in vegas on holiday and ended up winning a crazy jackpot on the slots and the first thing I do is go to her dad to show him that I can give his daughter everything she wants and keep her happy and that now I am rich (she once said that her dad has this thing for rich people and looks at them differently compared to normal folk – not that he is rich himself).

 

Anyways all morning I have been really emotional – crying and getting teary eyed over the smallest of things… I cried while buying a pack of gum because it reminded me of her – and I don’t know what to do to stop…..

 

All I seem to do is relapsing into this point where I cant stop thinking about her, thinking about what I can do to prove her dad wrong, what I can do to get her back, and this is really not helping me cope at all today….

 

Anyways just needed to vent off….

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MissIceCream

I know exactly how you feel, and I can identify with your ex. I, too have a father like that, and I always feel I somehow sabotage my happiness, and I have. She seems to still want to be with you even though it may not be so right now. She's just just at a loss right now.

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I know exactly how you feel, and I can identify with your ex. I, too have a father like that, and I always feel I somehow sabotage my happiness, and I have. She seems to still want to be with you even though it may not be so right now. She's just just at a loss right now.

 

the thing with her though is that she has had this long standing battle with him - at first she never told me about it and over time things started coming out - and I completely understand the need to please our parents we have all wanted to do it - and to a certain extent we will try as hard as we can because at the end of the day they are our parents. I can only truly imagine how hard it must have been on her because even though our relationship was quite short - in that short period of time we bonded to the point that most couple I know that have been together for years had not reached.

 

The question though is when you know that there is a problem and you do nothing about it, its a signal that something is wrong. She knows and accepts that sometimes the things he does do not make her happy, yet she goes, and I had all the signs that she was sabotaging things yet I chose to love her and accept her for who she was, I guess I was hoping that I would be able to give her the courage and strength to stand up for what she believes in. The difficult part for me now is comprehending the fact that now she talks about still doing things that he does not approve of and not telling him - yet when at the end I suggested taking a step back and gradually introducing me to him she flatly refused...

 

And the dreams just keep on getting weirder - I have like 4 dreams in the past 5 nights all about me doing things and running to her to prove to him that I am worthy of his daughter. I dont mean to blow my own trumpet but I am not such a bad person, but this whole experience has actually made me questions my own self worth - made me think that I must be so bad that even she didnt that I would be worth the fight...

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