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I can't take feeling like this......


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Last week, I posted my story on the breakup page. I think I should have started here, though. I broke up with my fiance about a month ago. We were to be married Oct. of this year. I think to say our 3 years together was a roller-coaster would be an understatement, but I never once stopped loving him. He made a serious suicide attempt that left him in a week-long coma in Fall 2001. We had not had any REAL problems prior to that, but I did note that he drank more than usual the 2 months before his attempt on his life. I thought that when he survived and proposed, we would sort of "start over". The attempted Tylenol overdose left him with damage to his pancreas, and strict orders from the doctor to not drink again. Plus, he had to file bankruptcy for all the bills and no insurance.

 

In February 2002, 5 months after he was out of the hospital, he proposed to me. A month later he was arrested for DUI ad drug posession. The drugs surprised me- he was not a user. Nor did he get a chance to use them that night, since he crashed the car (and drug tests came back negative). I bailed him out, he started AA, but drank about every 3 months up until I called it off in June. When he drank, it was a binge that lasted only an evening at a time, but he would get drunk and do crazy things. Never violent, but almost burned the house down by leaving things on the stove, took a knife and slashed his arm open, screamed so loud that I warned him someone would call the police, so he did call them on himself (and he's on probation!). Plus he has a life threatening condition reactive to alcohol.

 

The night I called it off, he had been drinking and chaos ensued...he tried to drive away once, but I took his keys. that was when he did all the yelling and called the police. After they left, I just told him I was disgusted with the events of the evening and went to bed. I heard him get some water, then go outside (I thought to smoke a cigarette). Turns out he took the last 12 of his anti-depressant and drove to his parents. On the way there, he side-swiped a telephone pole and luckily was not caught by the police. His parents called to tell me he was there, and I told them they needed to make sure he threw up the pills, and he did. The next morning, I asked him what he thought we should do. He said that being with me was the best thing in the world for him, but that I was better off without him. I had to call off the wedding, and tell everyone what had been happening. No one knew the whole story, as I had covered it up.

 

He went on to lose his job after the breakup because he was so depressed and out of it from drinking that he could not make it in. He asked me to once to wait for him to get better so we could try again, but then apologized for being unfair. His parent are poor, and now they have him to feed and care for,too. Him getting a new job will be hard due to his arrest. I worry that he will try to committ suicide again, though he did start back to AA this week after being perpetually drunk for almost 3 weeks.

 

The crazy thing is, I miss him like hell. I love him so much. EVERYTHING reminds me of us, and the good times we had (which were a vast majority of the time) and the fact that we really, truly, loved and respected each other. AA tells us that we can't take the alcoholic's behavior personally, since it is an illness and a compulsive behavior. I know this. But there is no way I could take him back and be in that same situation again. It is scary to watch im hurt himself. It would be so much easier if one of us did not want to be with the other, or one did not love the other, but we love each other and want to be with each other, but have circumstances be different. I can barely get through and hour without crying, have lost a lot of weight, and obsess wondering if I'd ever be able to trust him again. There are monumental trust issues. Part of me knows that the healthiest thing for me to do is move on,but I can't stop worrying about him, loving him, and wanting him near me. We are both 31, no spring chickens. He is the love of my life, and everyone keeps telling me that if it was meant to be it would have been. My family is very impatient and says that I should be better by now. I am not exaggerating when I say I spend the majority of every hour thinking about him. An ad in the paper for a cabin rental reminds me of our vacations. A commercial for The Simpsons reminds me of us cuddling on the couch. We are trying not to e-mail, but I have been bad about it. He sent me a message yesterday to say he had not had a drink in a week and a half, and was doing AA, that he loves me and misses me. I do not know what to do....I am not suicidal, but I wish I were dead at times. I am seeing a counselor, but have only been once. Anyone have any thoughts? how do i stop myself from going crazy and hurting this much?

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Counselling is good. Staying busy will help. But its really just going to take time. You gotta be strong and each day'll get easier. Then once you're more removed from the situation you can reevaluate things and see where you are. Now you're just missing him and lonely.

 

I've said it before around here, but life is cyclical. It goes up and it comes down. But it always goes back up, and then later it come back down again. Thats life, and time will get you to the next hill.

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I know keeping busy will help, but the last thing I want to do is see my friends who were all planning on coming tot he wedding and are his friends, too. Everyone just looks at me with this expression of pity that kills me. When I say my thougts are obsessive, I mean that I wake up each morning looking for him, every song, everything I see reminds me of him. I keep asking myself what would heal the pain, and the answer is "having him back". My heart wants that so much, but my head says that I can't live like I was before, worried about his drinking and his health. I know he wants to try and get his act together and reunite one day (he has told me this) but my friends and family would freak out and then there is the question of if he REALLY changed or would it all start up again? This is ther person I chose to spend my life with for good reasons. I chose to break it off for good reasons ,too. I am lucky my job doesn't care when I come in because I have paralyzing anxiety attacks every morning. I have to tell myself a reason to live every morning, and though I would NEVER act on teh urge, I feel like just cutting my wrists open and lettinga ll the pain seep out. I wish I could be angry at him, but I'm not. Anger would be better than this. I know I can't possibly feel like this forever, but it is hard to see when I will.

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