Haven't had a good relationship since my last big heartbreak

[Exit]

Been over a year now since a really painful breakup. Started dating again after a long healing period.

 

Dated one girl for about three months and she was crazy but I caused a lot of the problems too.

 

Now a two month relationship just fell apart with someone who I thought I could really be with for a long time.

 

I have trust issues stemming from the fact that I was blindsided by the breakup of that last serious relationship and she was with a new guy really quickly. I've been letting it affect me, never believing anyone really wants to be with me, sabotaging the relationships and then scrambling to ask for another chance when the girl reaches her breaking point.

 

Last night I read a quote "love like you've never been hurt before" and I certainly haven't been doing that. I've been being overly cautious to make sure I never feel like there's a knife stuck in my heart again, but I know I'm preventing myself from finding happiness too.

 

I don't really know how to fix it. Really bummed that this last girl walked away but I don't blame her. Guess I'm still dealing with the damage of that painful breakup and I dunno how to get over it permanently. I never want to hurt like that again.

[ginyi1111]

you sound like my ex who just couldnt get over his ex, no matter how many times he tried to convince me and himself.

 

you have to believe that you will find someone that loves you so much that they could never hurt you like how you were hurt before. someone that will never walk away..someone that will be there through thick and thin...and let the hurt go away.

[Exit]

Hm well I don't think its the actual ex that I'm not over but I just don't want to feel that type of pain again. I wish I could find someone to stick with me thru it all cuz then I wouldn't be dumped right now. My fears caused a lot of the fighting with this most recent girl but I did a lot of good things for her too. Just gonna leave her alone this weekend and see if I hear from her but if not I ithink I better stay single for a while.

 

Its not that I want my old ex back I'm just scared that someone will do the same thing to me and I don't really give them a chance until its too late.

[teanoranges]

the first step to understanding the fear is recognizing it.

You have recognized your fear so now you should maybe question it? Or you have?...

what will you do about it?

 

For myself, I think I've come to learn that pain is inevitable. I have to learn to pick myself up off of the ground much quicker and move on with my life.

I've talked to people older than I who have said that they used to hurt a lot at my age but have become numb to it because of all the a$$es they've dealt with... but of course that they slip up here and there and get hurt again...

haha... I don't know what I'm trying to say..

but just try not to worry too much. If you can believe you will be okay no matter what crappy things happen, you'll be in a much better position for good things to happen to you and for you to notice them.

 

???

[sedgwick]

Maybe you're just not ready to date yet. It's been three years since my ex dumped me, and the pain is still so great that I could never trust anyone else even if they were interested! Sometimes things hurt us so badly that we can't repeat the experience no matter how much we want to. Give yourself time. A year is nothing!!

Edited May 29, 2010 by sedgwick

[Exit]

Thanks for the replies, I agree with both of you. For one thing, I am becoming more numb to things, well not in a bad way "numb", but I don't think I'll ever go off the deep end and feel like dying for 5 months after a breakup. Haven't even cried or been upset over this breakup, maybe it hasn't hit me as real yet or maybe I just don't feel the need to react that strongly.

 

And yeah, maybe it still is too soon. Going on a date or something is one thing but I guess to get to the point where I really engage in a relationship with someone, might not be ready.

 

We'll see what happens.

[Odyssey]

Hey EXIT, how's things man? It's been a year for me too and in the same boat as you right now. Feeling a little jaded and can't put 100% into a relationship just yet. (it's like that 1% keeps holding me back)...trust... I'm sure the trust will come back to us in time.

 

Take care.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I'm a year too, and I had one short rebound relationship. I am nowhere near ready for another relationship. I would love one and sometimes I worry that i'll never love again, but i'm waiting to feel and find the kind of chemistry me and my ex had. Anyone can get into a relationship just to be in one, but a REAL relationship that you actually WANT to be in because the other person is just WOW is hard to find. Thats the frustrating thing.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's about the same for me. It's been a year and a half, and nothing serious since. I dated someone for a few months, but we weren't a good match for long term. I struggle with cynicism about men and love, but lately, with the beautiful summer weather and fun, I am feeling much better and more hopeful.

 

But I really don't much feel like putting myself out there. I just see the same pattern playing out over again. On the other hand, I KNOW I'm smarter and more discriminating now. I have strong, caring friendships and my life is getting more solid all the time. I think that a great guy will come along when I'm really ready for him, and I'll navigate the relationship better than I have in the past.

 

I think the best thing any of us can do is just accept where we are, accept what is. Things will get better.

[Toki]

Same for me, four horrendous "relationships" since my great love. However, I came to the conclusion that relationships aren't my thing, I was checking out this girl pretty hard today, and was tempted to ask for her number but it's only been like a month since my last breakup, and I just don't need that crap in my life right now. I'm going to do my thing from now on, and if someone wants to join me, great, but I'm not going to go out of my way to find to find a date. It sounds like I've given up, but the reality is, I don't really want a fling, they tend to be expensive, and shallow. Really don't want to have a repeat of being the rebound.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Toki, I think this is the healthy attitude.

 

I think some people become obsessive about finding the one, so much so that they forget about every other aspect of life. Relationships are amazing and add so much to life when they work, but they are NOT necessary to complete us. It is better to be alone, and sometimes lonely and frightened than being with someone for the sake of it.

 

I know a lot of people of all ages. Some are 20 and have kids together. Some are 50 and have had their partner and children die. Nothing means anything if you don't find happiness of some form in yourself and your independent life.

[mickleb]

Some of the perspectives here are very healthy. Some of them, however, could be fertile ground for the old commitment phobic tendencies to creep their way in.

 

Of course we need to take time to heal and learn from an experience as significant as this, in our lives. We do need to become reliant on ourselves for our own happiness. Not become 'an island' but understand that no-one else can make us happy. Only we can do that for ourselves, then, others can add to that.

 

However, the key to overcoming heartbreak is this:

 

If you can believe you will be okay no matter what crappy things happen, you'll be in a much better position for good things to happen to you and for you to notice them.

 

You say it without conviction, t&o but you speak so very wisely.

 

It's always $hite to hear there's MORE work to be done, Exit. But, there often is, for all of us. Hard work does bring its rewards, however. It is worth it.

 

Keep yer chin up. You'll get there. You'll find yourself really awed by your own strength then you'll find she'll pop right out in front of you, just when you weren't looking.

 

x

[northstar1]

It took me a good 9 months to get over my prior ex before I could really entertain dating. I had a few good ones, a few bad ones. I did end up getting into a pretty serious relationship at about the 9 month mark and lasted up until a few months ago. I think when we are in a post breakup mode, we tend to place a geat amount of importance on finding someone. You notice more acutely other couples around you and the loneliness that can sometimes creep in.

 

My last ex made me forget about my prior ex, something I'd not imagined being possible. And with any luck, the next girl will do the same. But i'm in no rush. I'm 2 months post breakup and just doing my own thing, getting in better shape, seeing friends more, enjoying the summer weather. Sure, Id love to have someone to tag along and fill my life in, but I am not going to rush to date just for the sake of having someone there. When I've done that, I feel even more hollow than being alone.

[Exit]

Yeah... I had one more chance to talk to this most recent girl today but she told me she was coming with her mind already made up. Thought I was getting through to her while we sat and talked but at the end she still didn't change her mind.

 

Dunno what to think right now. Not too utterly destroyed about it but it does bother me that the things I did wrong this time are still rooted in lingering fears from having my heart broken.

 

I wish I could get comfortable on my own. I don't have too many friends, the ones I do have all are wrapped up in their own relationships. Sure the weather is nice right now but hard to enjoy it with nobody and nowhere to go.

 

Blah....

[EmperorR]

im the same, i can never fully trust a women again I try but to no avail, which is why I just stay single for now.

[Inigo]

Howdy!!! It's been about 5-6 months since we broke up and about 3 months ago I finally cut the love of my life OUT of my life permanently. I can't begin to tell you how hard all of this has been for me. At the same time if I tell you the story it would seem completely logical that this is something I should have moved on from way earlier - but these nagging unresolved feeling just keeps nipping at me.

[skydiveaddict]

I feel exactly the same

[Exit]

It's a shame.... seems like I learn the most from mistakes. Seems very clear to me now that this most recent relationship, and the last brief one before it, were seriously & deeply affected because I was judging these girls based on my last major ex. I really wish I could start over with the last relationship and she acknowledged that it seems like I'm realizing what I was doing wrong now, but it's too late because she's also unable to continue trying. Soooo yay. I think it's out of my system, next relationship I find myself in is going to start with a clean slate, but I wish I could be with the last girl because she was really great and I messed it up.