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recognizing patterns with exes


BetterOffWithoutYou

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BetterOffWithoutYou

it's been a little over a month since the ex left, and i am now seeing all the things that love had blinded me to.

 

one of these things is how similar the ex was to the ex before! i can't believe how i didn't see the similarities while i was in the relationship :eek:

 

one thing they both had in common was the alter ego... i am wondering if other women have dated this type of man before as well, or men do you have any friends like this? let me explain a little deeper.

 

for example, my first ex and i were in a long relationship, almost 7 years. after about 3 years in, he reconnected with some old friends who were into rapping. he got really into this dream of becoming a rapper, and created an alter ego for it. the problem is he became this other person... the most narcissistic person i had ever met! he changed so much i eventually had to leave bc he was treating me so poorly and became emotionally abusive. when i had first met him he told me his grandmother told him he was heartless...i couldn't understand how she could say this until the alter ego showed his true colors.

 

the current ex had a career but enjoyed break dancing as a hobby. he had an alter ego for his dancing as well. i got to know the REAL him, this was a side he never even showed to his friends or family. the times i saw him dance battle (i know this sounds ridiculous!) as his alter ego i didn't know him at all... it was a different person. he had told me his dance crew members had always told him he had no soul...again i couldn't understand this until he left. looking back there is truth in this and it is also obvious he liked being his alter ego more than himself.

 

soooooo anyone else have similar experiences with exes or friends??? i am trying to find some support so i don't feel so alone in this. and believe me, i am never dating a man with an alter ego again!!!!!

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I think the friends who told your breakdancing ex he had no soul were onto something.

 

People who can completely reinvent themselves overnight--who have what you termed "alter egos"--are often people whose personalities are sketchy and unformed in the first place. They have no center; there is no "real" them at all. They basically create whatever personae they think a given situation calls for. This is the clinical meaning of the word "hysteria." A genuine hysteric is a person who projects back to others an image he or she feels they want or expect to see.

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YES!! I have ABSOLUTELY experienced this!!

 

The worst ex I ever had (I call him Sh*tnugget) was a bona fide sociopath. When we first met, he struck me as sweet, smart, and very funny, and I fell hard and fast. I felt sorry for him when he told me about his last ex and how she'd coldly dumped him and broken his heart. I thought she must just be a terrible person.

 

We were long distance, so I saw him fairly infrequently. Our first couple of visits were really great. On the third, we walked outside one day and I saw his face visibly change. I asked if he was angry or upset, and he said, "No, this is just The Mask." He proceeded to tell me he had to put on a different face when he went outside to protect himself from all the stupid people who might want something from him. The next day, he PULLED A KNIFE on a guy for leaning against his car!!! That night, he hit me during sex, and I realized he was a completely different person from who I thought he was. I also had the sense to get as far away from him as possible.

 

Later, I met his ex, the one I thought was such a horrible person, and she told me he was the same way when they met -- sweet, wonderful, etc. He moved in with her, and shortly after that, everything started to change, to the point where she came home one day to find he'd hung blackout curtains over all the windows and was sitting inside looking at guns to buy on the internet. He started calling her a whore, and then an "old whore," because she was a year older than him. So yeah, sociopath, big time.

 

Oh, and he was a writer, and he referred to himself as The American Literary Menace. It even said that on his business cards. When his first book came out (we'd broken up by that time), I picked it up in the bookstore one day and saw he'd dedicated it to his penis. NOT. F*CKING. KIDDING.

 

My last ex, the one I still love, had an onstage persona when he played with his band. It wasn't like he was an actor playing a character; the other guys in the band were just themselves. But he even had a different name -- a variation of his real name, but still. I first developed a crush on him when I saw him just playing music with friends, and he later said to me, "I liked you because you fell in love with the real me. If you'd fallen in love with (character name), I wouldn't have been interested." Then I started to notice that sometimes the character would slip out when we were just hanging out together. It was really weird, like this alter ego would sometimes just take over.

 

REALLY freakin' weird...

Edited by sedgwick
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Recognising a pattern is the first step towards breaking it!

 

My pattern with men has usually been to date someone I don't feel particularly attracted to in a physical sense, simply because he's a nice guy and I'm lonely. Of course, physical attraction never develops, so I end up in a passionless relationship with a guy I'm not attracted to, who's more like a friend than a boyfriend. Nowadays I recognise that pattern, and I won't date a guy unless I feel some sort of physical spark, even if he's nice and I'm lonely. I've realised that if there's no spark, I'm better off keeping the guy as a friend.

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BetterOffWithoutYou

its comforting to know that someone else had\s experienced men like this! it is a bizarre thing that doesn't happen often... go figure i happen to find the weirdos! something you said struck me:

"I liked you because you fell in love with the real me. If you'd fallen in love with (character name), I wouldn't have been interested."

 

my current ex said something very similar! he told me how happy he was i had fallen for the real him and not the dancer version as his exes did in the past. he was so happy that he could finally be the real him and someone loved him for that... but slowly slipped back into his alter ego. all i know is that i am never dating one of these men again! they aren't comfortable being themselves or being committed. the patterns they follow are so a like that there must be something wrong with them. all i know is i am myself from day one!

 

thanks for sharing, i don't feel so alone :)

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BetterOffWithoutYou
Recognising a pattern is the first step towards breaking it!

 

My pattern with men has usually been to date someone I don't feel particularly attracted to in a physical sense, simply because he's a nice guy and I'm lonely. Of course, physical attraction never develops, so I end up in a passionless relationship with a guy I'm not attracted to, who's more like a friend than a boyfriend. Nowadays I recognise that pattern, and I won't date a guy unless I feel some sort of physical spark, even if he's nice and I'm lonely. I've realised that if there's no spark, I'm better off keeping the guy as a friend.

 

i have had that problem too! i think, he's so nice and sweet that the attraction will grow. with the first ex i talked about it didn't... with the current ex it did. but regardless of that they both turned out to be pretending to be sweet guys, both were selfish and empty inside.

 

i agree... i'm glad i am recognizing the patterns bc i am not settling or putting up with less then i deserve anymore!

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shadowplay

My pattern is similar to Eeyore's. Fall into relationships with guys I'm not especially interested in because they show interest in me, and I feel like I'm not attractive enough to be picky. Another pattern is being drawn to guys who seem really nice, accepting and introspective. I assume they'll accept me. Instead they usually end up being weak, selfish or cold. Still it's hard for me not to believe that it's not me that's the problem.

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BetterOffWithoutYou
I think the friends who told your breakdancing ex he had no soul were onto something.

 

People who can completely reinvent themselves overnight--who have what you termed "alter egos"--are often people whose personalities are sketchy and unformed in the first place. They have no center; there is no "real" them at all. They basically create whatever personae they think a given situation calls for. This is the clinical meaning of the word "hysteria." A genuine hysteric is a person who projects back to others an image he or she feels they want or expect to see.

 

WOW. I can say that he definitely projected to me all the things i wanted in a man. when he was with his family he projected what they wanted from him. and the same went when he danced.

i feel like he was lost and didn't know who he really was. his identity was based on his family and his hobby. he never had deep relationships with any of these people though. he was actually able to open up to me but constantly whined about how hard it was to realize the truth about his life and the people in it as well as the truth about himself. it makes sense that what i have dubbed the "alter ego" is actually a lack of knowing who they really are or what truly matters in life.

great insights!!!! ty

 

shadowplay... i have been there too. it's so crazy how the guys who seem the most understanding and sensitive are really cold and selfish inside. they reel you in so easily :(

don't worry though, i've been looking for a gusband for ever if you want support :)

Edited by BetterOffWithoutYou
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i have had that problem too! i think, he's so nice and sweet that the attraction will grow.

 

In my experience the attraction never grows, and I end up stuck in a passionless relationship which is more like a friendship. I felt like I was too lonely and isolated to be picky; anyone would do as long as they seemed nice and relieved the loneliness. Now I've realised that there has to be some physical component of attraction, otherwise it's not a relationship, it's merely a friendship, and as a result I've become more picky. I only date guys I'm attracted to now, which is the way it should always have been tbh.

 

I guess I looked at my bad relationships and figured out that the common denominator is me! Of course it isn't my fault if a guy cheated or treated me like crap, but it was my fault for not being picky enough and dating him in the first place, and for not having clear boundaries and dumping him when he crossed them. I needed to change my people picker - I needed to choose guys who were genuine and decent, and who I was actually attracted to, and I needed to learn to stand by my boundaries and dump anyone who crossed them.

 

I dumped a guy earlier this year for being nasty - I'm proud of myself, because years ago I'd probably have continued dating him because I was lonely. My improved people picker has led me to a new man who seems great so far, so fingers crossed that things work out for me for once!

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Nikki Sahagin

My 'pattern' is lost boys. I am a very loving person, and so I think I seek out the little lost boy. My ex was a really lost soul. I mean on the one hand, he was very out there and eccentric - he has a magnetism and people gravitate to him; he seems so smiley and full of happiness - the chemistry I had with him was immense, but I think he has this electrifying thing where he can spark chemistry with anybody. Its weird to explain...Deep down inside however, he had fears and insecurities as do we all I suppose, but he would remind me of a puppy dog and a little boy, and I just wanted to love him and be there for me forever. Thats when it hit me that I loved him. So I think I gravitate to people I feel I need to 'heal' probably to distract from the fact that I feel the need to be healed.

 

I also think i'm a bit of a committmentphobe; I like the drama, passion and intensity of a LONG chase and a lot of hardship before I 'earn' the relationship. Otherwise I become bored. I think i'm a little addicted to lovesickness! In that sense i'm a man, I love to be chased and I love the chase. A man that is too interested and too obvious repels me.

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