I feel sickened to my stomach

[Nikki Sahagin]

My ex left for his travel marathon round America without saying goodbye. We hadn't been speaking for a couple of months anyway but he had always gotten in touch with me. Last time we spoke he went off in a huff about something trivial so I did not make contact hoping he would apologise for his final text. Prior to this he was texting me staying he still has feeling and he is worried they will never go. I know he could be buttering me up but he is quite a closed off person emotionally and very proud so I don't think he would tell me this if it wasn't true. I am just shocked he left without trying to make things okay and saying goodbye. I'm outraged as a FRIEND more than an ex. I feel disgusted and repulsed that he'll probably be drinking and s**gging around all summer whilst boring, moralistic me can't go near anyone else because i'm still so in love. I really do feel like the bottom of my world has fallen out. He will go away, drink lots, sleep with loads of hot girls and forget all about me. But thats not how I am, so I have to get over this the long, hard, torturous way. I can't party and sleep my worries away - that doesn't fulfill me.

 

I'm also wondering should I text him to wish him a good summer just as a friend? I feel a strong sense of guilt to say nothing.

[sedgwick]

No, don't contact him. Just let him go -- realize that a little NC is probably not a bad idea here. Maybe it's forever, maybe it's not, but the fact of the matter is that he's just taken off on a trip and is probably not in a place to say anything you want to hear. In other words, he's in adventure mode, and needs to be left alone to see more of the world and become the adult he's meant to be.

 

That said, he is NOT necessarily at the bottom of a pile of hot girls with a bottle of liquor in his hand, as your brain seems to be telling you he is. I'm traveling right now, and I'm single and (relatively) young, and I'm not partying it up every night and going through lovers like tissues. I spend a lot of time writing in my journal and a number of evenings chilling in my room because I'm so wiped out from all the sightseeing I've done during the day. I've traveled solo for the last 21 years of my life, and have actually managed to spend entire trips, months at a time, without getting any action! Yes, it's true!!

 

It really sounds like what you need to do is find some adventure for yourself. What's stopping YOU from traveling? You describe yourself as boring and moralistic...what could you do to change those things?

[GrayClouds]

My ex left for his travel marathon round America without saying goodbye. We hadn't been speaking for a couple of months anyway but he had always gotten in touch with me. Last time we spoke he went off in a huff about something trivial so I did not make contact hoping he would apologise for his final text. Prior to this he was texting me staying he still has feeling and he is worried they will never go. I know he could be buttering me up but he is quite a closed off person emotionally and very proud so I don't think he would tell me this if it wasn't true. I am just shocked he left without trying to make things okay and saying goodbye. I'm outraged as a FRIEND more than an ex. I feel disgusted and repulsed that he'll probably be drinking and s**gging around all summer whilst boring, moralistic me can't go near anyone else because i'm still so in love. I really do feel like the bottom of my world has fallen out. He will go away, drink lots, sleep with loads of hot girls and forget all about me. But thats not how I am, so I have to get over this the long, hard, torturous way. I can't party and sleep my worries away - that doesn't fulfill me.

 

I'm also wondering should I text him to wish him a good summer just as a friend? I feel a strong sense of guilt to say nothing.

Your outrage as a FRIEND? He is not a friend he the EX. The kindest thing he should do is not make any contact with you for any reason. Nikki your already holding on way too much, you do not need any more reason to do so.

 

If you feel your morals are not making you happy, then pursue new ones, because your talking like your burden with something that you do not want. If your not proud and respectful of your morals how do you expect to ever attract someone who too would be proud and respectful of them?

 

And no you do knw have to get over this the long hard torturous way, that is what you are choosing. If that is what feel you need, that is ok but understand it is a victim of it your making a choice it. Though understand choosing the long hard way will not make it any more fulfilling in the end. Only by persuading the things that fulfill you will do that which, interesting enough is the still hard but less long and more rewarding way to move on.

 

So what are you doing fulfill you?

[aeren944]

We all do it... but try not to put him on any kind of pedestal. He doesn't deserve to be on a pedestal in your mind. All of us do it, at some point, because we remember the love we had, and it makes things worse. Don't let him be on that pedestal, cuz it's of no use to you. There's a reason he's an ex, and because of that reason, he should not be taking up one of the pedestals in your brain. Take that pedestal for YOURSELF.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Thanks for the responses.

 

Well I did text him...not for him. But for me. Just to alleviate the niggling feeling of guilt and of 'not trying'. He didn't reply. But that didn't upset me. Because I know I tried and my text was out of my heart to wish him well. It doesn't matter that he had nothing to say, or chose not to say it, but that I said what I wanted to. Its out there and free and I don't regret it

 

I suppose he is still on a pedestal. But he was my first kiss, first boyfriend, first everything and I am a very intense person. I've realised my emotions and thoughts are INCREDIBLY intense when they develop and so its hard for me to let them go.

 

And I know he isn't 'a friend', he is an ex. But I feel life is too short to hold grudges. He used to be my best friend, and I wish him well as a friend. If he doesn't see things that way, thats his choice. But I do. And I don't regret expressing that.

 

I feel wishing him well has kind of set me free in some ways. I was true to myself and not affected by his lack of a response. I was at first, but then I realised, what you want to say or have to say shouldn't be hindered by the fear of what someone will or wont say back, but the fact that you feel the need to say it.

 

As for my morals well...I wish I could ditch them, but they are engrained in me. I can't sleep around and drink loads every night (as examples) because it makes me feel sick and disgusted. But there are other ways I can be adventurous and free. I suppose I was always a bit jealous of him because he was so uninhibited and free and I liked security and my routines. He has some of the qualities I wish I had.

[GrayClouds]

Thanks for the responses.

 

Well I did text him...not for him. But for me. Just to alleviate the niggling feeling of guilt and of 'not trying'. He didn't reply. But that didn't upset me. Because I know I tried and my text was out of my heart to wish him well. It doesn't matter that he had nothing to say, or chose not to say it, but that I said what I wanted to. Its out there and free and I don't regret it

 

I suppose he is still on a pedestal. But he was my first kiss, first boyfriend, first everything and I am a very intense person. I've realised my emotions and thoughts are INCREDIBLY intense when they develop and so its hard for me to let them go.

 

And I know he isn't 'a friend', he is an ex. But I feel life is too short to hold grudges. He used to be my best friend, and I wish him well as a friend. If he doesn't see things that way, thats his choice. But I do. And I don't regret expressing that.

 

I feel wishing him well has kind of set me free in some ways. I was true to myself and not affected by his lack of a response. I was at first, but then I realised, what you want to say or have to say shouldn't be hindered by the fear of what someone will or wont say back, but the fact that you feel the need to say it.

 

As for my morals well...I wish I could ditch them, but they are engrained in me. I can't sleep around and drink loads every night (as examples) because it makes me feel sick and disgusted. But there are other ways I can be adventurous and free. I suppose I was always a bit jealous of him because he was so uninhibited and free and I liked security and my routines. He has some of the qualities I wish I had.

 

 

No one suggesting you hold a grudge. Rather it is about your loving yourself. Which means engaging your emotions with all the intensity you posses to be loving and kind to yourself. To learn to be engage those emotions in a way that reflects that your priories yourself rather then distracting yourself. To understand that if things like easy sex and heavy drinking makes you sick, your doing yourself a disinterested in wanting to ditch them and be with people who do not share them. Finally if their are traits you want to gain you can do so in a healthy way rather then vicariously through another.

 

Your lucky you feel things deeply for not everyone does. But those deep intense feelings can be scary and make us a bit insecure of our own ability to care for ourselves. We have a tendency to hold on to what we know long after it is helpful. We have to work extra hard to find our strength and confidence, to learn to love ourselves. But when we do, we are blessed for the effort. Your time is now. Focus on you.

Edited May 25, 2010 by GrayClouds

[sedgwick]

As for my morals well...I wish I could ditch them, but they are engrained in me. I can't sleep around and drink loads every night (as examples) because it makes me feel sick and disgusted. But there are other ways I can be adventurous and free.

 

Exactly! I consider myself to have morals, and I don't sleep around or drink at all, but I'm quite adventurous and free. One thing I cannot recommend enough is traveling alone! If you've never done it, it's the best possible way to learn who you truly are, and to show yourself what you're capable of.

[Nikki Sahagin]

No one suggesting you hold a grudge. Rather it is about your loving yourself. Which means engaging your emotions with all the intensity you posses to be loving and kind to yourself. To learn to be engage those emotions in a way that reflects that your priories yourself rather then distracting yourself. To understand that if things like easy sex and heavy drinking makes you sick, your doing yourself a disinterested in wanting to ditch them and be with people who do not share them. Finally if their are traits you want to gain you can do so in a healthy way rather then vicariously through another.

 

Your lucky you feel things deeply for not everyone does. But those deep intense feelings can be scary and make us a bit insecure of our own ability to care for ourselves. We have a tendency to hold on to what we know long after it is helpful. We have to work extra hard to find our strength and confidence, to learn to love ourselves. But when we do, we are blessed for the effort. Your time is now. Focus on you.

 

I think that is the hardest part for me. When I focus on myself, there are far too many scary things I find there; my anxiety, my fear, my self-destructive side, my intensity, my way of thinking. I distract myself by loving others. I admired a lot of things about who he was, but I realised, many of the things he was, I could never be, because thats not the way I was made to be. When I help others, I'm always confident i'm doing the right thing, but when I help myself, i'm never sure. Your reply does hit home a lot though with me.

[GrayClouds]

I think that is the hardest part for me. When I focus on myself, there are far too many scary things I find there;.

 

And from this point forward you have your answer to why the realtionship did not work, why your still holding on, why your finding difficult to get the things in your life that you deserve.

[This Hurts]

I can't party and sleep my worries away - that doesn't fulfill me.

 

I used to be this way. In fact, I've been this way all my life, since I was a kid. I've had enough, though... and I see a new me emerging. When I say enough, I MEAN enough. I've been a good and moral person ALL my life. I've been the absolute best person I can be, and it has gotten me nowhere but abandoned, depressed, cynical, and most of all confused. I'm DONE. And this summer I'm going to be a completely different person and see if that gets me anywhere, 'cause being like this surely hasn't.

 

Sleeping around is something I know I'm still not going to do, though. I can't go that far I know it'll just make me feel a billion times worst.