Really Missing Her Only Because I'm Lonely...?

[USMCHokie]

Wow...it's been a while since I've created a thread in the coping forum...thought I was getting closer to being completely done with it...but lately it's been a bit of a struggle...quick synopsis: I broke up with my ex back in July 09, after about a month of classic begging and pleading, went NC in September...I dated a couple girls since then...nothing that lasted more than a few dates...

 

So lately I've been thinking about her A LOT...sleepless nights...constantly dreaming about her...mind always going to her while I'm walking on the golf course...thinking about her in between sets at the gym...anywhere...I had a pretty good period of time this past winter when she wasn't really on my mind all that much, so this is sort of a recent development...

 

In March, I started going out a lot with friends...many late weekend nights...some late weekday nights...but I was getting out, meeting people, and having a pretty good time...however, since the beginning of April, I've toned it down a lot (as in not going out at all...), primarily due to saving money, as having a social life can get expensive...but also because it kind of got old real fast...so instead, I have been keeping myself very busy lately with sports, working out, and just regaining my appreciation for quality down time sitting at home alone...

 

Unfortunately, I've been getting an annoying feeling of loneliness...I never used to have this problem with spending weekend nights sitting in the room...but it's starting to make me feel sluggish...and apathic towards life...and it makes my mind go straight to the ex...it's like that Lady Antebellum song Need You Now constantly playing in my head...

 

So as the thread title reads, am I only missing her because of the loneliness...?

[shadowplay]

Stop indulging in thoughts about her. I find that has helped me a lot.

[djentleman]

After my recent breakup (February), which caused me to move in with my mom, I've realized the stagnant moments where I don't have anything to do are when I catch my mind lingering to the ex. But, I wouldn't say it's loneliness... And with that, I ask myself: what is the price of ridding myself of this loneliness besides another relationship (if we're going for consistency)? Yes, it really could be that easy, but only if you want to jump aboard the boat of compromises all over again. Really, enjoy your freedom while it's there; find something you can do that won't burn a hole in your pocket (I hear Call of Duty is the best solution), and keep yourself busy.

 

Now, not to digress, but for me: the feelings of missing my ex are becoming transient. I miss the old her, before she became all "radical" with her involvement in politics, economics, societal dysfunctions, etc. etc. — I miss the chill girl who just wanted to move and spend the rest of her life surfing. But, it's hard to really miss that, because that's (3) years ago. At this point, not to sound like a dog, but I miss the physical attraction — I miss the cuddling and a warm body to hold in bed. These are the things that can cripple my mind. However, I snap out of it the moment I think about the majority of sht that comes with the full enchilada, AKA a relationship, which makes those moments easily unappreciated... Productive time alone will certainly help you sculpt who you are, what you want and need, and what you're ready to undertake.

 

Getting back on track... I've done the exact same things you have. I started going out with friends, working out again, and keeping myself busy — busy outside of my home. Then, after having such a good time, you notice the newfound lifestyle can be costly. You do a minor brake-check and ease up on the cruise control, and realize while those things are great, they're really doing nothing but enhancing the social life and not the independent self — you know, the moments when you really ARE alone. I question if while I'm embarking on this single lifestyle, am I doing the right things? Should I take part in other social activities? For instance, instead of going out to the city at night, should I take the dog to the dog park during the day and let him wear out the both of us? That way, when I return home, I'll pass out immediately. And, this is where the overanalyzing begins: am I purposely dodging being home alone, by resorting to going out, or partaking in activities to where I'm so exhausted afterward, there's no other option besides passing out in the empty house/room? (I'll openly admit to thinking too much.)

 

My conclusion is that I feel activities are key. Activities promoting any form of self-improvement, be it as a result of becoming a better reader, writer, musician, gamer, thinker and/or problem solver. So, if you're spending the majority of your free time watching television (History and Discovery channels are acceptable), movies, etc. to kill and evening and save some cash, then this could be a problem, because feminine company and these sorts of things usually go hand-in-hand. Avoid it.

[ALombard]

I know how it feels, I have those same questions and feelings. Unfortunately, my break up was 2 weeks ago, and she already has a new guy. However, I have been thinking to myself do I miss her or do I miss having SOMEONE.

 

I've always been a guy who likes physcial moments (watching a movie cuddling, holding hands, etc.) I'm trying to find ways to the feelings of not having anyone anymore out of my head because I feel like if I don't I will start becoming desperate to find someone. I go to the gym, go out with friends, almost anything I can think of to just get my mind off her and not being able to fall asleep next to someone anymore but it isn't quite working.

 

So as with USMC, anything else I can do to just get out of my funk, besides jumping into a relationship because I'm still having the feelings that NO girl can compare to her.

[northstar1]

I think this is pretty normal, at least in my experience. Healing is rarely linear and there are times you slip back a bit. I know with an ex from a few years back that brought me to this board, it was like that. 6 months after the breakup I started feeling better, same as you I was out more, dating a bit, feeling much better. Then I began to think about her more, not sure if it was the holiday season that brought up memories, but I found myself back feeling like I did in the first few months. I wanted to reach out to her. And part of it was feeling lonely, hating the empty weekends. Going out with friends was good, but I'd still find myself coming home afterwards and thinking about her. It didn't last too long and I kept myself busy still with friends, working out. Yeah, I think it was loneliness, being home alone with thoughts, and not having someone with you to even do the small things lin life that you take for granted.

 

Ithink it's also your brain fighting to finally let go. You went NC, you kept yourself busy with distractioins. Now, you are at that stage where you are maybe truly ready to let go. And your brain is drudging up the memories as a way to begin to let go, and all the feelings that come with that

 

You've done all the necessary steps to move on, NC, getting out, working out. The rest will just be time, cliche,but true.

Edited May 3, 2010 by northstar1

[thepulse27]

...thought I was getting closer to being completely done with it...but lately it's been a bit of a struggle...quick synopsis: I broke up with my ex back in July 09, after about a month of classic begging and pleading, went NC in September...I dated a couple girls since then...nothing that lasted more than a few dates...

 

So lately I've been thinking about her A LOT...sleepless nights...constantly dreaming about her...mind always going to her while I'm walking on the golf course...thinking about her in between sets at the gym...anywhere...I had a pretty good period of time this past winter when she wasn't really on my mind all that much, so this is sort of a recent development...

 

In March, I started going out a lot with friends...many late weekend nights...some late weekday nights...but I was getting out, meeting people, and having a pretty good time...however, since the beginning of April, I've toned it down a lot (as in not going out at all...), primarily due to saving money, as having a social life can get expensive...but also because it kind of got old real fast...so instead, I have been keeping myself very busy lately with sports, working out, and just regaining my appreciation for quality down time sitting at home alone...

 

Unfortunately, I've been getting an annoying feeling of loneliness...I never used to have this problem with spending weekend nights sitting in the room...but it's starting to make me feel sluggish...and apathic towards life...and it makes my mind go straight to the ex...

 

So as the thread title reads, am I only missing her because of the loneliness...?

 

 

Yes. I think so anyway. It's obviously not the only reason, but it plays a big role in why you go back to thinking of her so much.

 

I'm in a very similar place to you. I had some time when it just stopped bothering me at all, but it's come back now, and it does feel like taking a step back. In trying to save money for when I move in a couple of months time, I've seriously toned down doing much socially, so I'm also spending a lot of time alone, and I've started spending a lot of that time thinking about her.

 

I think it's the fact that we've moved on so much; I'm ready to start seeing other people now, so the fact that I'm not is making me miss her so much more. And as others mentioned - spending more time chilling and not going out reminds us more of them, since that's what we would do together.

 

I've got no idea whether I'm handling this well so far, but I think the best way to approach this would be the same as any other time in the past when you were single and would've appreciated some female company (ie. not specifically her). These times are a pain in the arse, but we know they don't last forever.

 

If you find anything works for you let me know - I'd like to go back to happy thoughts too.

[mickleb]

Hey Hokie

 

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way but also, very glad you posted about it.

 

I think you've had some great responses here. I found djentleman's particularly thought-provoking and wisdom-filled.

 

I just wanted to add that I think, to some extent, the 'why?' is irrelevent. I say 'to some extent' as that part is not, really, for us to answer. Only you know what your life needs more or less of, be it a romantic connection; friend-time; more stimulating activities; hard cash; etc.

 

My point is that, let's face it, ALL of our lives need continual fine-tweaking to maintain our happiness. That's why it's so tough but, also, so rewarding.

 

Loneliness is the most perfectly normal state. Even within our most intimate of relationships, we experience it frequently. Communication with others is necessary. Being within our own heads for too long, just goddamned HURTS!

 

That feeling can be removed by a satisfying encounter with a random person at a bus-stop, or philosophical shop assistant.

 

A times when we suspect we feel loneliness, it is important for us to recognise that we need to connect with others. Luckily, LS helps us to do that 24/7, from the comfort of our rooms, bless it. But connection is to be found all around. Sometimes in the eyes of an animal, if humans are sparse.

 

Don't fret too much - the only thing that makes me concerned about you, from your post is that choice of soundtrack(!) I would HATE to have that going round in my head! (Sorry - didn't mean to be rude when you're feeling down.. Well, maybe just a teeny bit. )

 

Take care - we'll watch your back.

 

x

[deux ex machina]

In times of stress and change, keep in mind the word HALT.

 

A person can feel more vulnerable at times when one gets too:

 

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

 

A certain amount of loneliness could be a reason.

[cdt76]

I've gone through similar bouts of this type down turn. In my search for clarity and stability of this emotional roller coaster I've come to one conclusion. We have to work on being alone again. People always say stay busy, distraction, exercise, sleep, prioritizing our new life, refocusing our thought patterns away from the one thing we only want to think about. But this only works during those times. It doesn't work when we are alone on a Monday night watching Chuck and thinking about how nice it used to be holding that special someone. So, this is where you have to focus your therapy. What is it about being alone that reminds you of her? What is it about being by yourself that you are not satisfied with? It becomes an emotional attachment to the pain that we connect with, we are human and our feelings for this other person were real and therefore we MUST hurt because if we did not hurt then it was not love. So we make ourselves hurt, think about the past, cry, filter through the memory banks to the "good times" we shared because those memories bring about the pain now. The pain is what feels good because it validates our feelings. But think about this. Before this person you could enjoy your time alone. You had things you enjoyed doing by yourself. Focus on these things. Focus on the peace that is the quiet. Focus on enjoying singing in your house as loud as you can and no one can hear. Think about how good it feels to rule your own life without having to consider anyone elses feelings. I am working on these things too. It works. It takes your thoughts from pain to "ok" and contentment about the now. It seems to work for me.

[northstar1]

I've gone through similar bouts of this type down turn. In my search for clarity and stability of this emotional roller coaster I've come to one conclusion. We have to work on being alone again. People always say stay busy, distraction, exercise, sleep, prioritizing our new life, refocusing our thought patterns away from the one thing we only want to think about. But this only works during those times. It doesn't work when we are alone on a Monday night watching Chuck and thinking about how nice it used to be holding that special someone. So, this is where you have to focus your therapy. What is it about being alone that reminds you of her? What is it about being by yourself that you are not satisfied with? It becomes an emotional attachment to the pain that we connect with, we are human and our feelings for this other person were real and therefore we MUST hurt because if we did not hurt then it was not love. So we make ourselves hurt, think about the past, cry, filter through the memory banks to the "good times" we shared because those memories bring about the pain now. The pain is what feels good because it validates our feelings. But think about this. Before this person you could enjoy your time alone. You had things you enjoyed doing by yourself. Focus on these things. Focus on the peace that is the quiet. Focus on enjoying singing in your house as loud as you can and no one can hear. Think about how good it feels to rule your own life without having to consider anyone elses feelings. I am working on these things too. It works. It takes your thoughts from pain to "ok" and contentment about the now. It seems to work for me.

 

This is good. I like it.

 

It's funny because now that I'm single I get antsy if I'm home alone at nights, esp on weekends. I feel despair, like I should be doing something else.

But when I think about when I was in a relationship, alot of those nights together, we were doing the same thing anyways, cooking dinner, TV, reading etc. But now when you are doing them alone, it somehow feels less fufilling and that other people are probably out having more fun

 

And I also think back to when I'd look forward to having a night or two to myself to do my own thing- watch tv, download music, play a videogame. Now that I have it...........................

[DustySaltus]

Hokie, I often think back to the day before I reconnected with my ex fiance to see what I once was and if I can get back to that point. Before I was with her I was single for 2 years. I don't remember being lonely as much as just not finding someone that was up to my standards. I kept reaching and reaching to find someone and that someone happened to be from my past who lived half way across the world. Then that "someone" turned out to be nothing like I expected.

 

In the months after the breakup I was a walking zombie. I met a ton of girls, really nice and sweet women that wanted to be with me. I just wasn't ready. I think for us at the end of the day it is all about the butterflies. You go out with someone for a while, you breakup, mourn, become bitter and angry, process things, go through another period of mourning and then eventually get back out there. Then one day you meet someone and they give you those butterflies again. It's one o;f the most profound feelings you can have because it shows you that you are capable of caring again. Even if things don't work out, just having that feeling will breathe life back into your soul.

 

We miss our ex's for what they were, not what they have become. Loneliness is a function of not being able to have our needs met. Just because we go out and meet a girl doesn't mean that they can give us what we need besides a short term physical fulfillment. You got to stop listening to that song though. There's NO CHANCE that this is going to be the last relationship you ever had. There's NO DOUBT that you will be in love again.

 

You miss her because you haven't met her equal or someone superior to her yet. So when you go out with women that don't measure up to her as you walk home from the date you start thinking about your ex, makes sense. You're talking to a guy who went out on 10 dates in 10 nights and thought being single was going to be the greatest thing in the world. By date 5 I was thinking that I could be single the rest of my life and singing "Wicked Game" in my head over and over again. Trust me, I hated sitting at the miscellaneous tables at weddings, but it was a phase I needed to go through. I needed to spend some time in the minors to work on myself.

 

It's perfectly normal what you are going through. I think you should try and go on a few dates here and there at your own pace.

[LK30]

Hey all. This is one the the best threads I have read for ages! Excellent insight from everyone and kind of applies to anyone feeling heartbroken. I hope many more people read it and take what they need as it's all wrapped up here!

 

Loveshack has helped me no end. Thanks guys and gals!

[GrayClouds]

Well it is all over but the crying, and even now even the crying is done.

 

Your not longer fighting the madness, the roller coaster of emotions has smoothed out and almost miss the pain for at least it offer a deversion of sorts. The break-up activities are such as those new hobbies, new workout, new socializing are no longer keeping us company they become a new part of your better self routine. But they too are no longer a diversion.

 

Now your there with yourself. A better self, but with yourself none the less. We are social animals, and we get lonely. Our mind being clever as it is, finds the easy solution to that loneliness, back to the time when we were not, the EX. Thinking about the ex is another distraction.

 

Though this is when our healing is really challenged. For learning to deal with that loneliness in a healthy way is what will keep us from another unsuccessful relationship. We now discover if we have grown, if we do understand out self worth. If we will have the self esteem to have someone win us over with their actions not words. If we posses the give courage to be with our loneliness rather then to be with the wrong person.

 

This is when we assure ourselves we have developed productive behaviors to deal with loneliness rather then be dependent on distraction. It is when we prove to yourselves if we were all words or real action.

 

My suspension with you USMCHokie you have become a better you, and shortly find a better her.

[sean1970]

USMCHokie, it's borderline spooky how yours and my situations has played out so similarly over time.. Same time for breakup, same NC month, same IKEA story (remember?), and, seemingly, a parallel emotional ride along the way.

 

And, like you, I did all that I was supposed to do initially... Workouts, lifestyle change, socializing, even a fantastic impromptu trip to Colorado a few weeks ago. I have met great women that wanted to be with me... Thus far, no situation has felt quite right. I won't totally dismiss that I may be gun shy to a degree but I really do believe that, whether it is conscious or not, I'm just being more selective. Not sure I could put pen to paper and fully detail why or what exactly has changed to make it so but the resulting 'loneliness' is not entirely unwelcome (if that makes sense).

 

The more time we get to change our lives, the more prepared we will be when we find someone again. Remember, we want a partner; someone that compliments our life, not one that fills in where we feel incomplete. Do I believe that every time I tell myself; no, not always? Did I, like you, slip on fitness, socializing, better attitude recently, yes (ref 'spooky' above . I think that anyone that has been through all of this knows that those needed distractions become routine and lose their punch after a while. However, the alternative to maintaining them is far worse. Loosing them will have us slip and settle for less than we deserve. I wont do it... Not again... So, I'm back in the gym, tanner than Irish men are allowed to be, and am planning a party at my place for this weekend...

 

We both know we have to keep going and, someday, we will find a mate again; one that is better suited for us...

Edited May 3, 2010 by sean1970

[skydiveaddict]

 

Unfortunately, I've been getting an annoying feeling of loneliness...I never used to have this problem with spending weekend nights sitting in the room...but it's starting to make me feel sluggish...and apathic towards life...and it makes my mind go straight to the ex...it's like that Lady Antebellum song Need You Now constantly playing in my head...

 

So as the thread title reads, am I only missing her because of the loneliness...?

 

 

it's not loneliness. You still miss her. Believe me devil dog, I know exactly how you feel. I cant forget either, no matter what I try. I think this is something only time will cure

[USMCHokie]

Thanks everyone for your responses, thoughts, and insights! It's great to know that LS is such an amazing support network. I think I had been spending the past few months trying to suppress my own issues by only contributing my advice to other people's coping threads...and then it kind of blew up in my face very recently...so it's a bit of a change of pace to be posting about myself again...but I definitely appreciate what everyone has written. I'm going to spend some time tonight carefully going through the responses and responding to them.

 

Thanks again.

[CLC2008]

Thanks everyone for your responses, thoughts, and insights! It's great to know that LS is such an amazing support network. I think I had been spending the past few months trying to suppress my own issues by only contributing my advice to other people's coping threads...and then it kind of blew up in my face very recently...so it's a bit of a change of pace to be posting about myself again...but I definitely appreciate what everyone has written. I'm going to spend some time tonight carefully going through the responses and responding to them.

 

Thanks again.

 

I know what you mean. I think it can be a bit of both, part of you misses her and part of you is just feeling a bit lonely. You're human.

 

I know time makes it easier but it still hurts regardless.

[sean1970]

You're human.

 

Super human... The man has a cape...

[CLC2008]

Super human... The man has a cape...

 

Capes are good to have, but sometimes they're just capes...