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SP's No Contact Guide


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

 
 
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Old 1st May 2010, 3:34 PM   #1
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SP's No Contact Guide

I love Cali's NC guide. Thought I'd add my own spin to the mix.

You probably want to break no contact for one of the following reasons, if not all of them. Before you do, read this.

1) You hold onto hope that you can somehow convince your ex to take you back. You want control. You need to accept the fact that you have none when it comes to this situation. In all likelihood, your ex isn't coming back. In fact the chance that they are is so slim that it's better to just assume that they're not.

You need to prepare yourself for the most probable outcome. If it comes to pass, as it almost certainly will, which is better for you? To stay NC and get on with your life, or to make contact, which will seriously delay your healing, sacrifice your dignity and fray your self esteem?

Step back from your situation for a second and pretend you are an outside observer named X who is playing a game in which you control a Sim character's life (you = the Sim). As X you can only win the game by achieving a certain level of happiness and success for your Sim. After your Sim has a tough breakup, would you choose to have it make contact with its ex or go full NC? No-brainer.

Reframe your healing process in scientific, logical terms. Weigh the probable outcomes. Remove yourself from yourself and pretend you're advising another person. It's your job to make sure that person is happy. Cut your losses. You don't have control over your ex, but you do have control over yourself. So switch from trying to control your ex to trying to control yourself.

2. You believe that no matter what you won't ever be as happy without your ex, even if you go through the pain of healing and self improvement. This conclusion is problematic for several reasons. Because the stakes in your mind are so high, a choice between happiness and lifetime misery, it may seem like you have nothing to lose by breaking contact. It's like you're a terminally ill cancer patient who is faced with the choice of an experimental procedure that only has a 10% survival rate or doing nothing. Given that you'll probably die either way, why the heck not? I hope this comparison drives home how ridiculous your assumptions are.

a) That you believe your happiness is tied to one person suggests that even if you were with said person you wouldn't be happy or fulfilled on a deep level. Why not? First off you'd always be uneasy that they would leave you, ripping your life apart. Or what if they died? You have no clue what life would throw at you, and you'd constantly feel desperate and insecure in their presence.

b) That you believe your happiness is tied to your ex also means you have low confidence and feel undeveloped in certain ways. If you were with them, you'd be essentially using them to fill in your inner void. As this isn't solving the core problem, you would never feel completely happy. Think back to your relationship with your ex, and remember any doubts you may have had or the moments where you felt gray. These are because you probably realized on some level that your ex couldn't provide what you needed (only you can).

3) Magical thinking. When you're emotionally invested, your brain may go into magical thinking mode. You romanticize your ex in retrospect, because there's a momentary comfort in that fantasy even if it causes long term pain. It's the same way that crying can feel comforting, even though it's unhealthy if you keep it up past a certain point. You're indulging these fantasies because you're unwilling to face the reality of moving on.

Your ex is not perfect, not even close, and they're not nearly as amazing as you probably think they are. You didn't have some magical bond with them that would inspire great art, and you're not noble for being emo and hanging on to them. You just had an ordinary, mundane relationship that ended, no different from millions of other relationships. There isn't "one" person for everybody. There are people who are either more or less compatible. You and your ex weren't compatible.

Part of the NC process is killing these magical thoughts. Stop listening to sad music, stop looking at their facebook pages. Do a reality check every time you have a thought that what you had was so "special." It wasn't. Really.

4) A quick fix. You may feel better for a moment, but ultimately you'll feel worse. Think of your ex as crack. Whenever you get a craving, distract yourself with anything, doesn't matter what it is. If you distract yourself long enough the craving will eventually pass and you'll feel better. I promise.

That's it. Oh, and if it helps pretend you have a sassy gay friend swoop in whenever you're feeling weak. If you don't get the reference, watch this video (thanks for the introduction TigressA ).

Good luck!

Last edited by shadowplay; 1st May 2010 at 3:38 PM..
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Old 1st May 2010, 3:46 PM   #2
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Thanks for a heartfelt treatise. I saw a lot of harsh realities from my past in there.

If I could add one thing, from the present. I've noted, when reading/responding/relating to issues raised on LS, the process appears to violate the NC 'thought' and 'emotion' rules, causing a revisiting of relationship dynamics, sometimes inciting a 'mourning' of the death, not so much of the marriage (in my case) but of who I was in the marriage. Perhaps it is a necessary part of the road to acceptance. I can say I do 'feel' less mournful when pushed away from LS for a number of days. I've experimented with this and it's definitely there. How do you feel about that?
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Old 1st May 2010, 3:52 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carhill View Post
Thanks for a heartfelt treatise. I saw a lot of harsh realities from my past in there.

If I could add one thing, from the present. I've noted, when reading/responding/relating to issues raised on LS, the process appears to violate the NC 'thought' and 'emotion' rules, causing a revisiting of relationship dynamics, sometimes inciting a 'mourning' of the death, not so much of the marriage (in my case) but of who I was in the marriage. Perhaps it is a necessary part of the road to acceptance. I can say I do 'feel' less mournful when pushed away from LS for a number of days. I've experimented with this and it's definitely there. How do you feel about that?
Ha! Yes, I agree. I think LS can be helpful in the first week or so after the breakup, but it's probably better to stay off after a certain point. It's something I should probably try.
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Old 1st May 2010, 5:08 PM   #4
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Shadowplay,

Thanks for uploading your thread. Very useful comments for guys like me on their second day of NC.

I have indulged myself repeatedly in points 1, 2 and 3 over the last few months. I've never done crack but the temptation to text, email and phone her each day is maybe just as strong.

The phone, a lack of self discipline and my unfathomable love for someone who seldom reciprocated are the real enemies in this drug war now!!

I have found that keeping busy at all costs is the answer.

Off to bed with the determination to make it through to the end of day three. I really have lost all self respect with her and it is time to claw it back, day by day and be a man again!
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