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He finally sent the email breaking NC after 13 weeks


curiousnycgirl

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curiousnycgirl

Well my ex finally sent the email he told his friend over 4 weeks ago that he had been crafting for weeks at that point. To sum it up, as I read it of course, he loved me very much but everything was my fault, he found me to be unattractive, and some other things that I am too embarrassed to repeat. Needless to say I cried. Then because I am an idiot, I responded with the following:

 

"I have now read this note multiple times and rather than respond point by point, which may come later, I will ask you a question.

 

You have detailed many traits in me that are clearly unattractive (to be kind) in your email - so why do you love me?"

 

To his credit he sent a very good response, which to tell the truth I didn't expect. It's amazing how differently we think - he thought the first email was opening his heart, whereas I read it as a list of things wrong with me. I find it hard to believe it is a male/female thing. I think HE has issues communicating. To be fair, his response is below:

 

"OK, so I guess I messed that attempt up; elliciting an unexpected response. I apologize if anything I wrote gave less than a positive response, which it obviously did. I was trying to lay my heart openly on the table in my last email, but sadly, that was ineffective.

 

What I love about you, is that you are a beautiful woman with a beautiful kind heart; the kindest, most endearing woman I have ever known. I love your intelligence, your strong character, among many other things, However, more than anything, it is how I feel about you, and that you have been, and continue to be, part of my heart and my being.

 

I was trying to communicate (obviously poorly), that I want us to be able to each talk about anything with each other, resolve each other's issues and move forward in a constructive way that supports one another. That is where my heart is, regardless if it seems to you that my actions are not consistent with that sentiment. "

 

So to be honest I was clearly opening the door to communication (and giving him yet another chance) by asking the question above. Now that he has come back with what I consider to be a suprisingly good response - I have been working on responding point by point to his first email.

 

The overwhelming impression I get is that can't be saved, and that makes me sad. I'm tired and I am fairly certain he won't meet me even half way. So why do I bother you might ask. Because I'm an idiot?!

 

Really what is my problem?! LS'ers I need your input please - with the caveat that I might not follow your advice and please don't get angry with me about that later - I swear I am trying!

 

And I can promise you all at least one thing - I will NOT go back to how things were. I lost myself in the old relationship, I gave and I gave until I had nothing left to give (OMG I"m the freaking giving tree). So if he wants to go back to how things were, I can assure you I'm done. But if he actually wants to prove to me that he can change - shouldn't I give it a chance?

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It seems we both got positive responses from our SO's this week. I say keep the communication flowing and don't rush anything. Thats what i'm doing.

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Right....so, he took weeks to send you an e-mail which sent you spiralling into a sad despair, but a fraction of that time to send you an e-mail which made you feel so much better.

I wonder why he couldn't have sent that one first....

 

I don't like the sound of this.

But I've been wrong plenty of times.....

 

I'd really love to be wrong again....

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threebyfate

There are two reasons why I say he sucks:

  1. I'm seeing nothing that takes any responsibility for himself or his actions.
  2. He's back...period. Wonder why now?

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But if he actually wants to prove to me that he can change - shouldn't I give it a chance?

 

No, because no matter how badly he says he wants to change, YOU KNOW THAT HE WON'T/CAN'T.

 

You know that.

 

What you have now, is the best it will ever be. Do you want that?

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curiousnycgirl
It seems we both got positive responses from our SO's this week. I say keep the communication flowing and don't rush anything. Thats what i'm doing.

 

Jen - I'm not certain either one of us should be communicating at this point. I will stalker button you to see what's going on with yours.

 

Right....so, he took weeks to send you an e-mail which sent you spiralling into a sad despair, but a fraction of that time to send you an e-mail which made you feel so much better.

I wonder why he couldn't have sent that one first....

 

I don't like the sound of this.

But I've been wrong plenty of times.....

 

I'd really love to be wrong again....

 

I agree TaraMaiden - the note he spent weeks composing was fairly awful and in fact a regurgitation of stuff he's written to me before. I'm really and truly wondering if he best friend, who was in town, wrote the second note. I really don't know.

 

I find it very hard to believe you've been wrong plenty of times, and I'm still trying to figure out if we will have the chance to prove you right or wrong. I've writen a very long response, but haven't sent it yet.

 

There are two reasons why I say he sucks:

  1. I'm seeing nothing that takes any responsibility for himself or his actions.
  2. He's back...period. Wonder why now?

 

TBF as usual you hit the nail on the head. He has not taken any responsibility and that's my biggest issue.

 

No, because no matter how badly he says he wants to change, YOU KNOW THAT HE WON'T/CAN'T.

 

You know that.

 

What you have now, is the best it will ever be. Do you want that?

 

StarGazer - what I have now is nothing but heart ache. What I had 2 or 3 years ago was probably the best, and to tell the truth, yes that is what i want with some modifications (specifically living together).

 

So I've written and edited a response to his first note. It is heart felt and pretty damn good. Now I'm just trying to figure out if I should send it. I'm going away for the weekend tomorrow, part of me thinks I should just wait until I get back - but that is so not my style.

 

I don't know.

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I don't think I would have the will power not to respond, so when you do I'll understand!

 

I'm interested to know what your goal is in opeining a line of communication with him again. My problem is that I agree with threebyfate - I see no attempt to take any responsibility himself. What I really want (I know I shouldn't, I can't expect it, and I need to move on without it, but if we're being honest here;) is for my ex to show me that she sees what she did, and shows genuine remorse for having treated someone she claimed to love so much in such a way. I think if I were in your situation I would see his emails as a chance to finally have that conversation, and hear what it is you want to hear, but I think we make it that when it isn't due to that one tiny thread we are still hanging on by.

 

From what I see so far, this isn't an apology, it isn't a demonstration of reflection or personal growth, it is an attempt to keep somebody he cared a lot about in his life without having to change a thing about himself or how he behaves.

 

If anything I've said feels like something you feel let me know, and if I'm completely off point then let me know how you do feel- I'd love to know as I'm currently weeks into NC and in a somewhat strange place.

As I said, I don't think I would be able to ignore it, so I wish you so much luck with it.

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But if he actually wants to prove to me that he can change - shouldn't I give it a chance?

 

Sheesh, that's such a huge phukkin' word, isn't it? And just two letters....

 

"If".....

 

If he actually wants to.....

 

Are you absolutely completely sure he does?

Without question?

Does any teeny-tiny atomic particle of you have any reservations about his motive?

 

I'd pay attention to that little voice, if I were you.

If.

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curiousnycgirl

Oh I have enormous doubts. Tremendous. I've even included them in my drafted response. So does that mean I should not even give it a go with caution?

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sorry, that was not suppose to be a winking smiley face, but a semi colon followed by a bracket. F**king emoticons!

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curiousnycgirl
I don't think I would have the will power not to respond, so when you do I'll understand!

 

I'm interested to know what your goal is in opeining a line of communication with him again. My problem is that I agree with threebyfate - I see no attempt to take any responsibility himself. What I really want (I know I shouldn't, I can't expect it, and I need to move on without it, but if we're being honest here;) is for my ex to show me that she sees what she did, and shows genuine remorse for having treated someone she claimed to love so much in such a way. I think if I were in your situation I would see his emails as a chance to finally have that conversation, and hear what it is you want to hear, but I think we make it that when it isn't due to that one tiny thread we are still hanging on by.

 

From what I see so far, this isn't an apology, it isn't a demonstration of reflection or personal growth, it is an attempt to keep somebody he cared a lot about in his life without having to change a thing about himself or how he behaves.

 

If anything I've said feels like something you feel let me know, and if I'm completely off point then let me know how you do feel- I'd love to know as I'm currently weeks into NC and in a somewhat strange place.

As I said, I don't think I would be able to ignore it, so I wish you so much luck with it.

 

I agree I don't think I'll be able to ignore it, but I'm not ready to actually speak to him either. I think I am still weighing every single word very carefully.

 

I not only need him to take responsibility but I need him to shoulder the burden for a while. I spent 5.5 years being the one who did it all, I'm tired, I'm hurt and I don't know if I can keep going.

 

I just don't know if I'm asking more than he can do.

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threebyfate

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2013239&postcount=14

 

I'm linking this to remind you of what he is and possibly, what he's capable or incapable of providing.

 

I agree with pulse, with the following. Nicely put:

From what I see so far, this isn't an apology, it isn't a demonstration of reflection or personal growth, it is an attempt to keep somebody he cared a lot about in his life without having to change a thing about himself or how he behaves.

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From what I see so far, this isn't an apology, it isn't a demonstration of reflection or personal growth, it is an attempt to keep somebody he cared a lot about in his life without having to change a thing about himself or how he behaves.

 

It really couldn't have been said better...

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curiousnycgirl

As I said above I have been writing and editing a response to his email since last night here are the last two paragraphs ( at the end of 4 pages) I have so far.

 

"I apologize if parts of this note appear to be bitter – to tell the truth they might be, I’m not sure. I am not sure anymore that we can salvage this relationship – I have given my all for so long and I am so very tired, and so very gun shy of what you might say or how you might react. I told you in December that this had turned into the relationship I had with my mother years ago – I wasn’t wrong. I was afraid of her and in many ways I became afraid of you. I have to take responsibility for that – but so do you. I also have to take responsibility for the fact that I spent so much time trying to make sure you got as much of what you wanted that I could provide, that I lost sight of what I wanted. That is entirely my fault, but now that I see it, I will not return to how things were. I deserve at least some of what I want out of life, as do you. I used to think we could do that for each other and together, but I don’t know that it’s possible anymore. I’d like to think it is – but I just don’t know.

 

I do know that at this point I cannot keep being the one who gives >100% I need you to take responsibility for your side of this relationship and for it having gotten to where it is at the moment (to be honest so far I haven’t seen you do that). I need you to meet me far more than halfway and to carry the burden for a while. I need to see and feel that you care as you say you do and I need you to make me believe that it’s real. "

 

My intent was to tell him what I need, but now that I've read the entire thread in the link TBF provided (perfect as usual) and stunned that I am in exactly the same place as last year, only worse.

 

So am I a complete idiot for wanting to believe? What the heck is wrong with me?!

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threebyfate

Beyond adding "Your actions have to match your words or they're nothing but words", I like what you've written.

 

This is such a rock and a hard place for you. ((hugs))

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What I love about you, is that you are a beautiful woman with a beautiful kind heart; the kindest, most endearing woman I have ever known. I love your intelligence, your strong character, among many other things, However, more than anything, it is how I feel about you, and that you have been, and continue to be, part of my heart and my being.

 

OMG!

 

This brought tears to my eyes... :love:

 

Congratulations! I'm so glad he is telling you all these wonderful things! :love::bunny:

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curiousnycgirl
Beyond adding "Your actions have to match your words or they're nothing but words", I like what you've written.

 

This is such a rock and a hard place for you. ((hugs))

 

Thanks TBF that was good and I've added it as my closing words.

 

You are right I am between a rock and a hard place, but I cannot thank everyone here enough for consistently being there for me, despite the fact that in 5 years I do not appear to have learned anything!

 

I will probably send this email either tonight or tomorrow (before I go away for the weekend) - but I am sooo not ready to actually speak with him. Wonder if/when I'll be ready to see him.

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curiousnycgirl
OMG!

 

This brought tears to my eyes... :love:

 

Congratulations! I'm so glad he is telling you all these wonderful things! :love::bunny:

 

Thanks Ariadne, when I saw you had posted I chuckled because I knew you would be happy for me. I'm just so very scared of trusting these beautiful words. They are certainly not the norm for us - and frankly I put far more stock into actions rather than words.

 

But I will give him lots of credit for writing some very, very beautiful things. Now how do I make sure he means them?

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Rearden Metal

I think it says basically what you want to say, but that it's probably too long/too much (I'm guilty of the same). I think you can condense it to something like:

 

I'm unwilling to return to the relationship we had, one of fear and uncertainty. While I certainly share the blame, I don't see you taking any of the responsibility for how our relationship turned out. I'm tired of giving >100% and will not continue with this unless you carry this burden. We do this together or not at all.

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curiousnycgirl

Thanks RM that's good - although the rest of the email before it is about 4 pages so far, so why be brief now? LOL

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Thanks Ariadne, when I saw you had posted I chuckled because I knew you would be happy for me. I'm just so very scared of trusting these beautiful words. They are certainly not the norm for us - and frankly I put far more stock into actions rather than words.

 

But I will give him lots of credit for writing some very, very beautiful things. Now how do I make sure he means them?

 

I tell you that he means them.

 

Men don't say things like this just like that.

 

Besides, he thought about them for a long time.

 

See what happens now..

 

Best of luck!!! :love:

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curiousnycgirl
I tell you that he means them.

 

Men don't say things like this just like that.

 

Besides, he thought about them for a long time.

 

See what happens now..

 

Best of luck!!! :love:

 

I find your eternal optimism to be so endearing. Thank you

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I find your eternal optimism to be so endearing. Thank you

 

Welcome..

 

(Happy reconciliation now! :cool::rolleyes:)

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