we have been split a year now, NC for 3 months, I feel dispair :(

[gavinus]

A brief history: We dated for 3 years. Over the 3 years she was verbally, emotionally, physically abusive towards me. She did not treat me with respect and as a result I withdrew from her as I felt battered and unloved as nothing I could do was good enough. She then said me withdrawing was nearly as bad as her physical, emotional abuse. She said she stayed with me because she lacked the confidence to leave and she could have settled for me but wanted more. I always tried to support her and see the good in her and helped her get out of debt, get a house etc. She ended the relationship about one year ago. The levels of manipulation she went to to get her way with me were extreme. We had contact 3 months ago. I told her how she had treated me was abusive etc. She looked at me and said I knew what she was like so it was my problem not hers. She told me before we split that if anybody had a problem with her, it was their problem and not hers. She told me I was too senstive and nothing was wrong with her at all. She has little to no remorse and also said if somebody did not want her in their life that was once again their problem. She said she wanted a possible friendship with me but on only 1 contact every 2 weeks.

I told her I only accept people into my life that treat me with love and respect as that is what I deserve and her anger is not part of that. There has been no contact since.

I feel despair because it always was and will always be her way or the highway. I feel despair because in her mind she is ok and I know she has told her version of what happened between us to her friends/family etc to paint herself in a good light. I still do blame myself for the relationship failure as if I was stronger and left her she may have changed. My therapist has said if I respect myself my ex will respect me, its not true. My ex only respects getting her way. I know she has moved on with another guy and in her mind has changed how she has treated me.

I suppose I just want to be heard. Some mail has arrived for her. What do I do? If I give it to her what will that say? How long do I have to be strong when the person who has hurt me so much has moved on and it seems I cannot move forward.

I know what I will never put up with again and it seems my reward for respecting myself and putting strong boundaries down is to be alone....and then her mail arrives,

thanks heaps for reading.

Edited February 6, 2010 by gavinus

[bananaboat11]

Sounds like my recent ex...

 

They're low-self esteem, sad type girls... they somehow portray over confidence in themselves and press their own problems and insecurities through devious manipulation as if the breakup was OUR fault and not theirs.

 

Me? I know I am an alpha male type (non-jerk/*******). I have a few NGS (nice guy syndrome qualities) but honestly... nothing that has ever jeopardized a relationship of mine in the past. These types of girls can't seem to handle beyond the initial stages of a relationship (qualifying) into the bonding stages... the qualifying stage (ie,honeymoon, immediate post honeymoon) can last up to a full year or slightly over such, but once that period ceases... they begin to recede back into themselves. Unable to press off any previous insecurities and vulnerabilities that had plagued them... they are unable to repress their depressive state and allow this to drive them into manipulating you so that that can use you as a scapegoat now as its YOUR problem (or MY problem) and not hers...

 

...sound familiar? You'll have some INTENSE arguments... some small ones.. her body language one moment may read, "I want you" and the next... "I need my space, but I want you near me... so I'll roll over to the other side of the bed and not say anything so you'll read/assume I just want my space"... or she'll be mildly flirtatious with other men unknowingly, and you... the trusting man you are... will think nothing of it... at first.

 

Some of her arguments and faults with you will be minimal at best... as time progresses... some of these stupid, little things will escalate into huge verbal brawls. No? She'll blame you.

 

Mine only last 4.5 months, thank god. Yeah, I miss her... or the thought of her. I don't miss her. I'm sorry yours lasted so long. There are many bitches out there.. many good girls... but there are these LSE-Sad Types out there too with prior problems.

 

My ex was one... she avoided her pain with sex... sex with me... 4-6 times per night... 2-3 per day.

 

She told me she loved me.. in retrospect.. she never cared about me, thinking about it now. I don't expect to hear from her ever again. We have had NC for 4 months now.. I will never be sure if she's tried to contact me, I suspect she has for whatever reason (you can search my f'd up venting threads)... but I WANT to believe she hasn't nor will. I have great friends and so much going for me. I'm not going to **** it all up just b/c of one stupid girl. There ARE great girls out there... you just have to be the best you can be and live your life and eventually.. someone will share that with you. At least, that's what I believe.

 

These LSE-sad type girls have issues. We deserve better... it's unfair we experience these types... it's disgusting. I was used for just sex... a love affair turned rebound... or it was a rebound all the time. I hope you weren't used like I was, but regardless... the emotional abuse is uncalled for. The manipulation and verbal demeaning manner they possess... we tolerate it. We truly believe we WANT them... that we need them. I believe we've been led astray from our hearts and our minds with them...

 

...do not let her get the best of you. Use this time to better yourself so that next time... you won't close yourself off to a GREAT girl. Reflect on your situation... look to mine... look to others who suffer emotional abuse... physical abuse (thankfully... my situation never took on this role)... become a better man, a better student, a better partner, a better gym rat, a better lover, a better person... and you will find happiness.

 

I had to throw EVERYTHING about my ex (nicole) away... the good memories (few & far between) and the bad. I needed to rid myself of her in every way... she was toxic... I don't care anymore that her last 2 LT relationships cheated on her. I'm NOT them. you can't manipulate and abuse me b/c you're comfortable with that from your past. your parents are separated? I don't know why, but that's not the route I want. Nicole couldn't handle that I am financially stable (like all her exes), in a prestigious graduate program, fit, and all those nice things that women are attracted to... but I am decent, loyal, loving, caring, dedicated, a companion, and devoted... while maintaining a fine boundary of emotion for a healthy relationship... and with her 'attitude' and 'depressive state'... she was able to wreck it all. Took me 4 months to rebuild myself... I probably won't approach a woman for a good 5-6 months... won't date for an additional 2-3.. but that's so I don't rebound. that's so I can heal internally... and reflect o myself. Because one day.. I want to risk all my love, and for her to do the same with me. To love a woman like crazy and her to love me the same way. To give-take equally and not put her on a pedestal. Rather... to be equal partners, lovers, and companions... best friends. On an emotional, physical, spiritual, and any other way possible.

 

To know when to give in... to know when to put my foot down.

 

The outside (of you) can only draw 'them' in for so long... take this time to work on the inside of you... your mind.. your heart... so that you will be the best you possibly can.

 

Good luck OP! I'm so sorry you had to go through this too!

[bananaboat11]

ps - I'm in my lab now... so I need to keep this brief, but know that your relationship lasted a year.

 

...if you read some of my other emotionally supportive threads to dumpees...

 

I don't believe she's over you yet. She's temporarily filling that void... that void she created in you both. She has the problem.. she's the one that left. keep that in mind.

 

She took something away from you.. a comfort that was there. She's filling that pain with someone new. Unfortunately, she's not with you and you have no say in how she does fill that void and pain, but understand... as you begin the healing process (and ESTABLISH NO CONTACT WITH HER!!! LET HER BEG FOR YOU BACK)... eventually, when her next honeymoon fades... she'll wonder where you are. There was a reason she was with you for long...

 

that's something you have up on me. I was straight up used.

 

Be strong... use this time to repair yourself... and you'll find a better (HER NAME HERE).... someone that looks just like her, but smarter & nicer. Maybe even with better legs

 

In all seriousness though... it's amazing how great of a person you will become from this experience.

 

The waves of emotions you feel and will feel are completely normal. Ride them out... grieve your loss and become stronger for the next riptide. Life throws surprises at us.. don't get sucked under. Keep swimming! (terrible analogy on my part LOL)

 

-Rob