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thepulse27

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First of all sorry to everyone for my assault on the LS forums this morning. I've realised something I don't like and as always this place has been a great escape.

 

It's nearly two months now, and things have got better (it would be very worrying if they hadn't). I have got over a lot of the pain, and a lot of what comes with it. I've got a few things in my life back on track, and made plans to get a lot more going. And I've got future plans that are going to make me very happy indeed. In short, I have come a long way.

 

But I feel like I've stagnated here. The last week or so nothings changed, and she is still PERMANENTLY on my mind. As someone who has always thought of themselves as a very strong person, with a lot going on and a lot to look forward to, dwelling constantly on her (and the new s**t person she has become) and the new boy (who is also a f*****g loser) seems infinitely beneath me.

So why am I doing it???

 

 

Anyone further down this road than me please give me some insight, I want to get past this so badly.

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Your still in the thick of it, 2 months really is not that long. Make sure your exercising and eating well, it helps.

 

Try getting this book and working through it:

 

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life

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Thanks GreyClouds.

I'm eating ok, and I'm absolutely loving exercising - I don't think I realised until this happened just how many happy drugs we release when we push ourselves!

 

And I know you're right, but knowing that she's breezing around now in the honeymoon phase of a new romance, while I'm crawling towards the light at the end of the tunnel - makes me so mad that she basically stole this chunk of my life from me.

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Thanks GreyClouds.

I'm eating ok, and I'm absolutely loving exercising - I don't think I realised until this happened just how many happy drugs we release when we push ourselves!

 

And I know you're right, but knowing that she's breezing around now in the honeymoon phase of a new romance, while I'm crawling towards the light at the end of the tunnel - makes me so mad that she basically stole this chunk of my life from me.

 

She stole nothing. You had good things in the relationship and now the relationship is over. Your struggling now but your also learning and growing a great deal. Yes it is not fun, you would have not chose it but there will be a point where you look back and see it was one of the most important time in your life.

 

Hang in there and keep the focus on YOU.

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I'm about 6 months out and I am right where you are...stagnant is a great word for it...wanting to get over it and move on, but for whatever reason, it just isn't happening...

 

I wish I had answers for you, but I don't even have answers for myself...it's just something that takes time and active effort to do things for yourself...

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'She stole nothing. You had good things in the relationship and now the relationship is over. Your struggling now but your also learning and growing a great deal. Yes it is not fun, you would have not chose it but there will be a point where you look back and see it was one of the most important time in your life.'

Yeah, I know. I don't regret the relationship in any way, I just hate that this has to come after it, it just seems like such a waste. And I agree with you, I can already see how important to me this is, and I'm only going to be a better person because of it (I'm already a better man than I was in November). It's strange that no matter how many times we hear it, it takes a serious loss to make us realise certain things.

 

I'm about 6 months out and I am right where you are...stagnant is a great word for it...wanting to get over it and move on, but for whatever reason, it just isn't happening...

 

I wish I had answers for you, but I don't even have answers for myself...it's just something that takes time and active effort to do things for yourself...

 

I appreciate the support mate, I've read a lot you've written and it's been a big help. I'm staying ridiculously active, and it's making me happy, but she's always there.

 

I'm in a very funny place. I obviouly still love her in some way, I miss the unbelievable bond we had, and I can't stand the thought of her with another man. But at the same time I hate who she has become, and don't want her in my life in any way.

It's weird to miss someone you don't want to see isn't it?

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silverplanets

I read this one for the title ....

 

I'm 4 months in to NC and having been doing really well ... over the really hard first bit and I don't want her back AT ALL.

 

Yet - this week in particular she is just going round and round in my head ...

 

As OP says .. is there anyone further down the line who can shed some light on this ....

 

Is this the memories last desperate attempt for attention ????

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I appreciate the support mate, I've read a lot you've written and it's been a big help. I'm staying ridiculously active, and it's making me happy, but she's always there.

 

I'm in a very funny place. I obviouly still love her in some way, I miss the unbelievable bond we had, and I can't stand the thought of her with another man. But at the same time I hate who she has become, and don't want her in my life in any way.

It's weird to miss someone you don't want to see isn't it?

 

 

This is where you and I are a little different...I don't know who my ex has become...she may be the same person that I once loved, or maybe a better person, or a worse person...but I don't know...it's just been so long...

 

I don't know whether I'd want her back in my life...but I do miss her...and I'd certainly like to see her or even just talk to her again one day...

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But I feel like I've stagnated here. The last week or so nothings changed,

It does feel like stagnation, but it's more that your emotional healing has hit a 'plateau' (just like your title says) -- and exactly the same as when we're trying to lose weight and get fit.

 

One reason is that your psyche can only handle so much on a conscious level. What's happening is that there is subconscious processing, integrating and releasing going on, of the work that you've done in the recent past. That also accounts for sometimes having strange-spooky-unwanted dreams and daydreams...it's just how the psyche does this part of its job. (Some people freak-out cos they think they're going "backwards", but it ain't necessarily so.)

 

Another reason could be that you're still using the exact same 'healing tools' from two months ago. But you're further along today, so you need to find and use new methods, and also to mix it up a bit -- again, same as for weight loss/fitness. You're getting "emotionally fit", basically, exercising your "healing muscles and abilities"...and they're gonna get bored and lazy with just the same workout, pace, intensity, etc.

 

Or you could look at it as your having graduated 'Grade 1 of Healing' <YEAH!!! :bunny:>, and you're now on a well-deserved Summer Break.

It's totally appropriate and necessary to take a break from "healing and moving forward" -- it is difficult and exhausting work! We've got to give our psyches a chance to catch up, and practice self-care, and lay-off our self-judgments and self-criticisms.

 

And, when your break is over and you get to 'Grade 2'...well, you're gonna hafta work a little differently and a little harder...if you want to graduate that level, too ;)

Edited by Ronni_W
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USMCHokie: I may have spoken a little strongly here, and there is almost certainly some false bravado in what I said. I still can't properly fathom a life without her, and I would love to talk to her one day down the line and maybe see what happened here (and let's not pretend that I haven't still got one little bit of hope that she will come back and it will be perfect). I'm just having a really hard time dealing with how the person you know better than anyone in the world can change instantly, to the point where you don't recognise them the next day.

 

Ronni: I'm intrigued. That all makes perfect sense (basically as it's analogous to any other part of our lives). What do you mean when you say 'mix it up' or change 'healing tools'? Just like in any other aspect of my life, I don't want to plateau, I want to move on.

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The day my ex walked out the door, she completely changed.

Rarely sleeps at her house anymore, befriending every single person she meets, pretending like our relationship meant nothing and was worthless, blaming me for everything that went wrong, and became such a cold-hearted person that it's made me very sad to see.

 

I hope she finds her true self once again and stops this charade for her own good.

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What do you mean when you say 'mix it up' or change 'healing tools'? Just like in any other aspect of my life, I don't want to plateau, I want to move on.

Giving your psyche the proper time that it needs to process stuff is a critical part of "moving on", though. Trying to rush/force it can lead to serious mental-emotional fatigue, and then you have insufficient (inner) resources to actually start doing any new/deeper work.

 

As far as healing, growth and development work, my own 'mix up' consists mostly of reading, journaling, visualization, and I still do therapy on an as-needed basis. (Meditation doesn't work too well for me but I also throw that in once in a while. And I've been wanting to get into art therapy. Bought supplies and 'how to' books but...still waiting for inspiration to hit me, about that :).)

 

I also score pretty much every half-interesting sounding, free ecourse I can get my hands on -- self-help or not -- so there's usually something 'new and exciting' to try, different perspectives on the same subject, new ways of doing old things, etc.

 

Er. I don't know if this is answering your question. If not, let me know and I'll try again.

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Yeah that makes sense Ronni, and I understand about not rushing it, but it's hard as I have no gauge for this kind of thing. I'm trying to try new things (if that makes sense) if I can find the time. I like the thought of moving on to the next level, but not sure I like the idea of it being even harder than the last one.

 

Tonight was a really bad night, it doesn't help that I'm so tired. I can't let go of this love, and with it this last piece of hope that she will realise what a huge mistake she has made (even though if that did happen I wouldn't know what to do). This just makes it impossible to really be without her. Everything I do seems to be just background, while I think about her.

 

I know this is one of those nights when it all seems hopeless, and I'm happy that they are becoming less regular, but it is so depressing that even on the good days the thought of her is with me wherever I go. I feel so lost.

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I'm sorry you're having a tough night. I think maybe it just gets worse on weekends cos those are usually "date" nights (and days.)

 

I know what you mean about not having a 'point of reference' for how you're doing. Mostly you just have to trust that you're going in the right direction -- just keep telling yourself that. Oh, I shoulda mentioned another thing I use is 'positive affirmations/optimistic self-talk'. If you're mostly consistent with it, you will score dividends.

 

Depending on what new things you're trying to try, 5 minutes is better than nothing. Making the time is also about being clear on your own goals and priorities. You could also ask a friend to be your 'coach' in the sense of holding you accountable. Sometimes just knowing that someone is gonna be asking, "So...did you write in your journal at least 3 times last week?" (for example) -- sometimes that is enough to motivate you to do it.

I like the thought of moving on to the next level, but not sure I like the idea of it being even harder than the last one.

Honestly, only "harder" in the same sense that Grade 2 is "harder" than Grade 1. You learn/do the same stuff, but you go a bit deeper into it and expect that you'll become a little more proficient at it than you were.

(Not "harder" like trying to accomplish at a Grade 5 level directly after Grade 1. If that makes sense?)

 

this last piece of hope that she will realise what a huge mistake she has made (even though if that did happen I wouldn't know what to do).

This is going to suck worse than losing that last piece of hope: For her, she did not make a "huge mistake"...she made a wise, self-loving decision.

 

That's how you gotta look at it, or you may just be stuck with that hope for who knows how long. Try to remind yourself that YOU are making the huge mistake by thinking-believing that she made a huge mistake, and that she may be second-guessing her decision to not still be with you. (She probably is NOT doing that...which means she will have no such realization.)

 

I do know, I think, what you mean about your current experience of life being "just background", and feeling lost.

I had a similar years ago. For me it felt as if I was watching a movie of me acting in my life but it didn't really feel like my life at all. I was on the outside looking in, and I knew I should be on the inside, but I had no way, or idea of how, to get there. And I wasn't even sure that I wanted to be there (wherever "there" was, which I wasn't sure I knew.)

 

It's difficult to explain. Very weird and warped, and highly disorienting. But. We somehow do manage to muddle through it, and to come out stronger on the other side. For right now, maybe that is just another thing that you've got to keep telling yourself.

 

Anyway. I do hope that you'll be feeling better. Maybe try watching the funniest movie/comedy show/cartoon that you can get your hands on -- go rent it, if you have to. Just drown yourself in laughter for a couple of hours.

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This is going to suck worse than losing that last piece of hope: For her, she did not make a "huge mistake"...she made a wise, self-loving decision.

 

I know you are right, in that I need to stop thinking this way. But there are emotional factors that led up to it that make that next to impossible for me. From what I can tell, and I am trying to be as objective as possible, and I am usually good at kind of thing; feelings of abandonment (whether imagined or not) led to a transference of all her feelings to another source, in this case a ruthless close friend who always doted on her and tried very badly to hide his infatuation. This is quite a basic summation, as there is so much background that I could never wrap it up properly on here. But knowing this (or thinking it, if you like, but I'm fairly sure it's accurate) makes it so hard for me to accept that this was a good decision for her, and without that it makes it hard for me to get on with my life without her.

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This is going to suck worse than losing that last piece of hope: For her, she did not make a "huge mistake"...she made a wise, self-loving decision.

 

I know you are right, in that I need to stop thinking this way. But there are emotional factors that led up to it that make that next to impossible for me. From what I can tell, and I am trying to be as objective as possible, and I am usually good at kind of thing; feelings of abandonment (whether imagined or not) led to a transference of all her feelings to another source, in this case a ruthless close friend who always doted on her and tried very badly to hide his infatuation. This is quite a basic summation, as there is so much background that I could never wrap it up properly on here. But knowing this (or thinking it, if you like, but I'm fairly sure it's accurate) makes it so hard for me to accept that this was a good decision for her, and without that it makes it hard for me to get on with my life without her.

 

BUT NONE OF THAT MATTERS ( though I do compliment you on your psychological mombo jumbo, it takes me back to freshman year Pshyc 101...what a great professor)

 

What matters it is over and how you are going to move on from it. Trying to understand it or diagnose it does not help yo to move on. What does? Focus on yourself, making yourself better, and understanding your own issues (not hers).

 

What are YOU going to do for YOU to move on?

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feelings of abandonment (whether imagined or not) led to a transference of all her feelings to another source, ... knowing this (or thinking it, if you like, but I'm fairly sure it's accurate) makes it so hard for me to accept that this was a good decision for her

Well...I'd say that you are "guessing and assuming" it --which are, of course, also thoughts...just not of the "factual, knowing" variety.

 

The thing is. It is perfectly fine for you to accept that YOU don't think it was her good decision. I mean. *I* accept that you don't think-believe it was a good decision for her.

 

But. That is an entirely different kettle of fish as you needing to accept that SHE thinks-believes it was a good self-decision.

 

You do not HAVE to let go of your belief. You just have to realize that your belief is different than hers. And she is 100% entitled to self-determination...and to making her own mistakes if, indeed, this will turn out to be one of her mistakes.

 

Regardless of whatever insights and background info you have, or think you have, you CANNOT know how things are going to turn out for her. You do not have a crystal ball; you do not know the 'higher lessons' that she will learn as the result of this decision of hers (how it will ultimately affect her human and spiritual growth and development); you have no idea if, what or how her 'Karma' is playing out in all of it.

 

You are not empowered to be able to discern/assess/judge whether or not her decision is a "good" one or a "bad" one. That is not your call to make. (Not for anybody except your own Self, about your own choices and decisions.)

 

I know it sucks. But, at the end of the day, you wanting to believe that you have special insights into HER life and soul lessons...that's not accurate. EVEN IF you're right about the transference and such. Those are still part of HER life and soul lessons...and FOR HER, things are playing out exactly as they should.

 

FOR HER, right now...her Karma, or her life and soul lessons, or her abandonment/transference issues need her to be someplace OTHER than with you. That is, it doesn't matter if it's Karma or emotional issues. It's that, for whatever reason, it IS in her best interest to have made the exact decision that she made.

 

I know it sucks. Hugs.

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Yeah you're both right. I am too, but it isn't my decision to make and unfortunately it has been well and truly made. Somewhere inside me I know I have to move on, and I'm trying, but getting over her sucks.

 

And thank you, you really help put things into perspective.

 

On a much brighter note: having bitched about how s**t things were for me yesterday I feel the need to say that today was f**king fantastic! Doing things you love, trying new things, and meeting new people (particularly good looking women) is what a day should consist of. If only they were alll like this...

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I feel the need to say that today was f**king fantastic!

:bunny::):bunny: Oh, DEFINITELY you gotta share the f**king fantastic stuff too!!! Thanks for that.

 

meeting new people (particularly good looking women)
;):love:;) Whoo-hoo!!! Looking forward to reading you in the 'Dating' forum...when all you're worrying about are the whats and hows of romancing all those good looking women who will be part of your future experiences...and hopefully (much) sooner than later, right?
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