What to make of this email from ex-fiance?

[Chitowngirl]

Backstory: I left my fiance 8 months ago during a huge fight we had in a hotel room. I left him basically b/c we had a huge fight that was just another that broke the camel's back, and he told me to leave (like he had before during fights) but this was the first time I listened to him. I still think about him every day and of course am still in love with him..just curious what you all think about his email below referring to me asking him for closure and what he wants from me:

 

 

I don't know what to say. I haven't seen or talked to you in seven months. Yes the pain is still fresh. It hurts thinking about you. I looked on Match (which I'm no longer on) and you seem very well adjusted to your move to Omaha. What do you want with me? You're an attractive woman and in the that little pond you'll do exceptional well. I'm also very afraid with you moving there. It's my home. You have shown the ability to hurt me by telling people personal details about our relationship and about myself. Omaha is a small town, which is very clicky. If you're intent is to hurt me more, you will succeed.

 

Do I want to pursue a relationship with you, no. I couldn't fathom dating you long distance right now. Yes I've continued to be friends with some of my ex's. Others I'm not, which I'll respect whatever it is that you want. It has been seven months!!! I think about you every day and wish things would have turned out differently, I did blow up that night and wish it did not happen. You are a good person and all I ask is that you remember I loved you, cared about you and have absolutely no desire to hurt you, say mean things about you or cause you any pain. I can only hope you feel the same.

[DenverBachelor]

Hey chibeauty,

 

From the sound of his e-mail, it sounds like he's trying to conceal an attempt at possible reconciliation by putting on a tough guy "take you or leave you" persona. If it has been seven months, I can guarantee you that he still loves you a lot based on that e-mail. The very fact that he was thinking about you enough to send it after half a year speaks volumes.

 

I've never really spent more than three months mourning the loss of a relationship when I wasn't prepared for it. By six months, I was back to my old bar-hopping self. Not a second thought.

 

So either he's a sappy person or someone who is very much still in love with you. I think he's the latter.

 

But is seven months long enough? Is he going to play that dominate "I can't lose" personality during each fight you guys have? You know what I am talking about. I've been around the block enough times to not see the patterns.

 

Bottom line -- he's in love with you, he misses you and he's trying to play a position of power to avoid appearing to play a weaker hand. And he does have the weaker hand -- he knew he screwed up with you during that fight and after seven months, he's still reliving that night.

 

Good luck.

[TaraMaiden]

So let me get this straight.

you walked out on him and left him, and then you wrote to him asking him for closure and asking what he wants from you?

 

How long had you been split up, when you wrote to him?

Why didn't you let sleeping dogs lie?

Is there any truth in what he says - that you've been talking to others about personal and relationship matters?

 

 

I don't think he wants to get back with you actually, no. Not at all.

In fact, he says as much.

So I think he actually resents the fact that you contacted him and opened freshly healing wounds.

 

I'm sorry, but I can see his point.

Did you write to him for his benefit, or yours?

If you wanted 'closure' it would have been for you.

But really, the wisest thing would have been to leave well alone.

[Chitowngirl]

He contacted me after 5 months of NC. He acted as friends in the emails he sent me, asking how I was doing, how my family was doing, etc, so I was confused. That is what I asked him: "Why did you write me after 5 months no contact? I moved on, and you writing me opened the wounds and the emotions came back." That's all I wanted to know. WHY DID HE WRITE ME. I was all set to move on, and even had fallen in love again..and then he wrote me after 5 months.

 

 

 

So let me get this straight.

you walked out on him and left him, and then you wrote to him asking him for closure and asking what he wants from you?

 

How long had you been split up, when you wrote to him?

Why didn't you let sleeping dogs lie?

Is there any truth in what he says - that you've been talking to others about personal and relationship matters?

 

 

I don't think he wants to get back with you actually, no. Not at all.

In fact, he says as much.

So I think he actually resents the fact that you contacted him and opened freshly healing wounds.

 

I'm sorry, but I can see his point.

Did you write to him for his benefit, or yours?

If you wanted 'closure' it would have been for you.

But really, the wisest thing would have been to leave well alone.

[Chitowngirl]

Thanks Denver,

I initially believed what you did, and then 6 HOURS LATER he writes me the following email (BECAUSE I ASKED FOR CLARIFICATION IF HE WANTED TO GET BACK TOGETHER OR NOT):

 

I need to be fair and upfront and bring closure to our situation, which I started by contacting you. This is over between us. I believe the best approach is to stop ALL contact. I have had months to reflect on our relationship and now know we're not compatible. As to why I contacted you, I needed closure. I have that now and the anger I felt has passed. I know moving is a serious change and I wish you the best.

 

Out of respect for you I will no longer contact you and would ask for the same.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

--------Soo...Is he bipolar? Just playing mind games? Did he really just want to F with my emotions by telling me 6 hours earlier he thought about me every DAY?? And then tells me he has had months to think about our relationship and he realises we're not compatible??? It is just so odd to me and hurts all the more and does not bring me closure. I am still crying over him and he sent this email last week.

 

 

Hey chibeauty,

 

From the sound of his e-mail, it sounds like he's trying to conceal an attempt at possible reconciliation by putting on a tough guy "take you or leave you" persona. If it has been seven months, I can guarantee you that he still loves you a lot based on that e-mail. The very fact that he was thinking about you enough to send it after half a year speaks volumes.

 

I've never really spent more than three months mourning the loss of a relationship when I wasn't prepared for it. By six months, I was back to my old bar-hopping self. Not a second thought.

 

So either he's a sappy person or someone who is very much still in love with you. I think he's the latter.

 

But is seven months long enough? Is he going to play that dominate "I can't lose" personality during each fight you guys have? You know what I am talking about. I've been around the block enough times to not see the patterns.

 

Bottom line -- he's in love with you, he misses you and he's trying to play a position of power to avoid appearing to play a weaker hand. And he does have the weaker hand -- he knew he screwed up with you during that fight and after seven months, he's still reliving that night.

 

Good luck.

Edited February 5, 2010 by Chitowngirl

[TaraMaiden]

He contacted me after 5 months of NC. He acted as friends in the emails he sent me, asking how I was doing, how my family was doing, etc, so I was confused. That is what I asked him: "Why did you write me after 5 months no contact? I moved on, and you writing me opened the wounds and the emotions came back." That's all I wanted to know. WHY DID HE WRITE ME. I was all set to move on, and even had fallen in love again..and then he wrote me after 5 months.

 

Oh I see. I didn't have the full picture, obviously, so I now see where the problematic issue actually lies.

 

With him.

 

Thanks Denver,

I initially believed what you did, and then 6 HOURS LATER he writes me the following email (BECAUSE I ASKED FOR CLARIFICATION IF HE WANTED TO GET BACK TOGETHER OR NOT):

 

I need to be fair and upfront and bring closure to our situation, which I started by contacting you. This is over between us. I believe the best approach is to stop ALL contact. I have had months to reflect on our relationship and now know we're not compatible. As to why I contacted you, I needed closure. I have that now and the anger I felt has passed. I know moving is a serious change and I wish you the best.

 

Out of respect for you I will no longer contact you and would ask for the same.

 

--------Soo...Is he bipolar? Just playing mind games? Did he really just want to F with my emotions by telling me 6 hours earlier he thought about me every DAY?? And then tells me he has had months to think about our relationship and he realises we're not compatible??? It is just so odd to me and hurts all the more and does not bring me closure. I am still crying over him and he sent this email last week.

 

It's difficult - not to say absolutely impossible - to form any kind of diagnosis with regard to his mental state, but one thing is clear. He's one messed-up guy.

You're absolutely right, of course. This isn't you, it's him.

And I think any questions about him, his state of mind, his agenda, his reasoning are all completely redundant.

This is finished.

it's over.

He's a bit of a screwball, and much as I'm sure you love him, and still have deep feelings for him, you need to take a deep breath, pin your shoulders back, and start again, moving on.

As the saying goes, 'don't live him live in your head, rent-free'.

He's history, and you have a lot of potential, and love to give.

Cherish it, nurture you and look after yourself, now.

[Chitowngirl]

Thanks, the thing is, the day after I left him, he said, "We're over. We are finished." The same thing he said below. He said it 8 months ago. And then he thinks about me every day, says he reaches over after a nap and hopes I'm there, and said he checked my facebook daily to view my pictures and loved when I posted pix that were "taken in our home." Then the very next day he says we're not compatible and he's done and to stop all contact. Just very confusing and UGH just want this drama over with!! Does't help that I'm laid off so have tons of time to dwell on him and feel sorry for my life.

But yeah, your line about him living in my head rent free is funny..I should tell him that.

Oh I see. I didn't have the full picture, obviously, so I now see where the problematic issue actually lies.

 

With him.

 

 

 

It's difficult - not to say absolutely impossible - to form any kind of diagnosis with regard to his mental state, but one thing is clear. He's one messed-up guy.

You're absolutely right, of course. This isn't you, it's him.

And I think any questions about him, his state of mind, his agenda, his reasoning are all completely redundant.

This is finished.

it's over.

He's a bit of a screwball, and much as I'm sure you love him, and still have deep feelings for him, you need to take a deep breath, pin your shoulders back, and start again, moving on.

As the saying goes, 'don't live him live in your head, rent-free'.

He's history, and you have a lot of potential, and love to give.

Cherish it, nurture you and look after yourself, now.