Dope Dealer's Depression. Long. Desperate for guidance

[Speed Demon]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm fairly new to this forum and never expected to find myself in such a position as to be so shaken up and affected by a failed relationship. That isn't to say I've dated a million people. It's not the case at all. I'm very much a long-term relationship type of person, but the past two long-term relationships I was the one that initiated the breakup. I felt guilty for hurting the person, but one was a long distance relationship that wasn't going anywhere (we remain excellent friends to this day, though.. both moved on and we both have a very health friendship) and the second was due to emotional instability and it being unhealthy.

 

Anyway, this post might get a bit long, because I want to include all relevant detail, but hopefully, someone will take the time to read through it and give some insight. It'll mean a lot to me.

 

Anyway, this all began about a year ago. I've always been stable as far as a job is concerned and always kept a level head. I was also a fairly a successful drug dealer while I kept my full time job. I sold everything, from crystal meth, ecstasy, pcp, marijuana, cocaine... you get the idea and I'm not trying to dick size here (though this is relevant), but mainly I sold crystal meth. I was good at it too and was raking in about $1,000+ minimum of profit on the weekend, plus my salary at work.

 

This allowed for me to lead a fairly fun and easy going life. Money wasn't a problem, work was doing great, and I didn't really dabble in my wares, because the money came first. The relationship I was in had become abusive and mentally draining. There was cutting, screaming, threats, guilt trips, and name calling. It was bad.

 

One night I was over a friend's house at an after party and I was argueing with my then girlfriend, but trying to keep it private by going into another room and keeping a low tone. She kept accusing me of not loving her, ect. and I finally broke down and said I was done and wanted the relationship to end. I kept saying, "Listen, fine, it's over for good if you want. You can take whatever, I'll replace, but please, let's just end this." I was real stressed.

 

I ended up hanging up the phone and went to get away from everything and hang out with my close friends. In come this very attractive blonde that I had met earlier and served. Out going, confident, sure of herself, gorgeous (she was a former model), and a fashion sense to boot. She was beautiful. She came in and said, "Listen, I heard you talking over the phone to your girlfriend, I think? Listen.. Do you want to go outside and walk in the snow?"

 

At this time I wanted to do just clear my head and I agreed. She walked and played in the snow and we spoke that night about abusive and bad relationships. She was going through the same thing and was finally leaving her boyfriend after a long time of going back and she told me to be strong and that she could relate. If I ever needed anyone to talk to, well, she was there. She gave me a slip of paper with her number on it.

 

There was something about her that I liked. Maybe her genuine character. Maybe it was earlier that night she introduced herself to me and didn't seem to be after my money, drugs, or status. Who knows? Anyway, I promptly lost her number.

 

A week went by and I told my then girlfriend that it was over and there was no salvaging anything and I was single. Time goes by and finally the pretty blonde from the after party texts me. Saying how she hopes its not weird, but just wanted to see how I was doing. Of course this was welcome and since we both worked professional jobs we exchange Outlook e-mails and e-mail each other back and forth.

 

A few more weeks go by and we finally plan on seeing each other to hang out, which we do. We kick it off real ****ing well. It was amazing. Match made in heaven, but both of us are fresh out of relationships and both say we don't want each other in that way. Our friendship was too good.

 

Well, a week and a half goes by and we end up kissing one night and the next day we end up having sex. From there we agree "friends with benefits", but we end up hanging out every day. Everyone saw us as the perfect couple. We smiled big, had so much fun with each other, we were on cloud 9.

 

She never stole from me, she never used me, and she was trust worth. To drive that point, I gave her $1,800 in a club to organize in the women's bathroom and she came back with a knot of cash with it all there. Not a single $20 was stolen.

 

Now, she was a bit older than me. I was 25 and she was 29. Only four years, but she had experienced already a lot more than I had in life. I learned a lot from her. She was a bit more mature then me and had much more life experience. She was much more adult compared to the young and arrogant hustler.

 

I took her out and we went on real dates. Something I hadn't done in a while. Dinner, going to the beach, art museums, stuff like that. Unfortunately, there were issues slowly brewing. She liked meth. We began to use everyday, but it was okay, because my connections were solid and I still made excellent money.

 

The summer was the best ever and we both learned so much from each other. Unfortunately, as the fall and winter approached things for whatever reason started to not go as well. I ended up getting arrested and catching two cases (thank God, I'll beat them and not lose not real job), but still made good money, but our meth use had no escalated to every day and going hard. I slowly began to fall into a depression and wanted to quit.

 

Whenever I brought up quitting meth, she would at first agree, but when she sobered up she would get overly defensive of my plan and not be okay with it. So, we never quit. Regardless, our relationship seemed going fairly well. I bought her a custom laptop for Christmas and all was going well.

 

Until...

 

BAM! December 16th she invites me over says that she thinks she wants to break up with me. She wasn't sure she was doing the right thing, she said, but she felt it needed to be done. She said I made her so happy and that I'd (and I would have) given her the world if she asked for it. She just wasn't sure if she wanted a relationship.

 

I was devestated. Even more so when I found out she got a new boyfriend (some ex-con that did 10 years in prison). I became suicidal and tried to kill myself two times via overdose. I didn't practice NC at all and she found out about my suicide attempts (her then boyfriend was pissed that she kept contact with me still), but she told my mutual friends to help my ass out and they did.

 

Anyway, a few weeks later it ends up this new guy is no different than her abusive ex-boyfriend and my pathetic ass is there to help her through it. Obviously, with the intention of getting back with her. She kept saying she wanted to take it slow and be friends, but I told her it wasn't possible. We keep saying we love each other, have sex, become a couple again.

 

The relationship seems stronger than every for two or three weeks and then she begins to get stand-offish and moody toward me. We broke up yesterday. She didn't want to get specifics into the breakup, because she didn't want to nitpick, but I do have a feeling it is partly because her friends slowly stopped associating with her due to her meth use. Other things were:

 

1. Me not being old enough / experienced in life

2. Her not wanting a relationship and not wanting that title

3. Her not wanting to hurt me anymore

4. Not wanting to act stand-offish and put me through her mood swings

5. She wanted to get her life in order. Too much meth

6. That she's felt this way with most of her previous boyfriends and wonders if it will ever stop, but hates it.

 

So, I grab up my stuff and tell her that I can't be her friend if she does this and will need to practice strict NC and she agrees. She says she wants to do the same. We part ways.

 

I'm crushed, but not as crushed as I was the first time. I was sort of prepared for this. I plan on volunteering at an animal shelter, reconnecting with family, doing strict NC, and hanging with friends. I'm so devestated though. Sure, it's been one day, but she seemed like the perfect girl for me. We both learned from each other so much, but it is funny, from the start we joked we were each other's rebounds. I know this is long, but whoever read it... Thank you so much. Any input is helpful.

 

- Speed Demon

[jenifer1972]

Just an opinion...I think anytime a very addictive substance plays a major role in a relationship, things generally don't go well in the long haul. Because there usually are reasons why the substance is being used, something that is trying to be escaped or avoided, and that always has a way of rearing its ugly head, and insists that "the piper be paid".. Only you know what those issues might be..good luck