cdt76 Posted February 4, 2010 Share Posted February 4, 2010 Girlfriend left me for a co-worker/friend of mine in July, I'll refer to him as "SB" for Sh$$Bag. The break up threw me into a depressed rage, the likes of which I've never experienced. December I took a 3 month assignment in DC, hoping some random act of kindness would befall me and I would not have to return to that office. Well, my three months is coming to an end and the anxiety, depression and ANGER are all coming back, knowing I'm going to have to return. Monday, I get a call from some guy in Texas asking if I know SB and how I like him. I told the caller to get back to the point of the call and ended the chit chat. That night, I drank almost an entire double bottle of wine. I began crying and praying and begging for some heavenly intervention, basically a complete mental breakdown. Yes I do take anti depressants but have not been able to have therapy here. The main issue is anger. I have not forgiven him for the betrayal and I have not been able to "move on" because I want nothing but bad things for him. I do not know where all the anger comes from but I know it is very destructive because not an hour goes by that I don't want to smash his face in. I'm at a loss as to why the anxiety and rage have not subsided. I have not found anyone to date, though I have dated. I do not sit around sulking and am very active at work and play. I just wonder if I am abnormal in my hatred and inability to release my mind from the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Odyssey Posted February 4, 2010 Share Posted February 4, 2010 Hey cdt, my thought was that the 3 months away would make you feel slightly better. Obviously not. Mmmm...it doesn't sound healthy man. Does your anger come & go or is it constantly there everyday? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdt76 Posted February 4, 2010 Author Share Posted February 4, 2010 Hey cdt, my thought was that the 3 months away would make you feel slightly better. Obviously not. Mmmm...it doesn't sound healthy man. Does your anger come & go or is it constantly there everyday? It only comes around when my mind wanders back and thinks of SB or thinking about seeing him in the office, or hearing that the office is going out for a night on the town...stuff like that. I do not associate with anyone at the office anymore. But the anger is very much still there when I think of co-workers or going back there. When I'm here and distracted, I'm ok. I still have to take sleeping meds to fall asleep some nights but that is rare. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted February 4, 2010 Share Posted February 4, 2010 Your anger at him may be a way of avoiding the grief of losing the relationship. For a lot of us guys we know anger but sadness and loss is much more difficult to face up to. I suggest get the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life (Paperback) It may also help you understand where the anger is coming from, possible from a earlier time that is now resurfacing. Hang in there, be kind to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
health Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I feel your pain bro. Sometimes I want to break someones face too. No your not abnormal. Sometimes I get enraged like that too. On the surface I seem all pleasant though. It's challenging. In the end Its what Ghandi said - Ander will do more dammage to the container it's in, then anything it's poured on to. I agree. We can't let people affect us like this - cause it affects our effectiveness! That's why being in empowering mind states is so important. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 The main issue is anger. I have not forgiven him for the betrayal How do you feel about your ex-girlfriend? If you've managed to forgive her for betraying you, then maybe you can adapt the techniques you used for her, and apply it to forgiving the guy? Or. Could it be a case where your anger is being misdirected? Or. You could ask yourself, what would be the worst thing that could happen if you did just go ahead and forgive the guy? Link to post Share on other sites
jenifer1972 Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I have been reading some books on anger and what they say is that anger is a "secondary emotion", meaning that it is a defense mechanism to not having to feel the "primary emotion" behind an event which is too painful to face at the time. The primary emotion could be grief, embarrassment, fear, extreme loss, feeling bereft, remorse, and others, but these are more painful to feel than anger which is kind of energizing and seems empowering at the time, but in reality it sucks the life out of you. You may want to just free flow journal about this situation to get at the underlying emotions. I guarantee it will be painful though when they come up... My guess is the underlying emotions here are grief and loss. There are people I have struggled to forgive. The way I finally got to the other side of it was to realize that forgiving does not mean "letting them off the hook" or "erasing" what they did like "bygones" on Ally McBeal. I did it for MYSELF, not for THEM because I didn't want to carry around that rotting carcass of hurtful memories anymore. It was stinking up my life. So I imagined myself like that monkey that is trapped by hunters because he will not let go of the peanut in the narrow necked bottle. I just finally fully imagined the events in my mind and "dropped" that peanut, for myself. The peanut is still there, but at least I am not carrying it around and turning it over and over in my hands any more. This is hard... Link to post Share on other sites
jenifer1972 Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 (edited) I have been reading some books on anger and they say that anger is a "secondary" emotion, meaning it is a defense mechanism to shield us from the "primary emotion" which is too painful to address at the time. The primary emotion could be fear, loss, grief, and those are more painful to feel than anger, which has a somewhat energizing component to it, but it ends up sucking the life out of you. You may want to free flow journal to get at the primary emotion, but my guess is, it may be grief, loss.. Forgiving is a difficult process. What has helped me is to realize that forgiving does not mean "letting the person off the hook" or "wiping the slate as if the hurtful thing did not happen." It is not saying "bygones" and wiping away consequences for that person. I forgave for MYSELF, not for THEM, because I no longer wanted to carry around that baggage any more...like the monkey who is trapped because he will not drop the peanut in the narrow necked jar. The peanut still exists, it just doesn't hold ME captive anymore... Edited February 5, 2010 by jenifer1972 Please delete, thought my first post did not come up because my computer indicated it did not post, but then later it did Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdt76 Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 I do not think about her because the grief and loss and betrayal and hurt are too much. I have no contact with her and do not see her. I only see him. Therefore the anger at him is constant. I have not forgiven either one of them. I do not know if I am capable of forgiving them for doing something like that. To me, it's the worst thing someone can do to another. Betrayal and lies are what destroyed my insides. I can not forgive and therefore I have the anger which, and you are right about this, covers up the grief, loss and hurt. I have tried to date, however I'm about to give that up. I'm not capable of sustaining the BS that goes into the games people play in dating. If I can not forgive, and the anger eats me up, how am I to survive? I don't want to see or hear or be reminded of them in anyway and yet I can't escape it. I've tried, even tried to get a new job in a different city but it didn't work out. I don't think Ghandi had the pleasure of beating the pi$$ out of someone he hated! Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I do not think about her because the grief and loss and betrayal and hurt are too much. I have no contact with her and do not see her. I only see him. Therefore the anger at him is constant. I have not forgiven either one of them. I do not know if I am capable of forgiving them for doing something like that. To me, it's the worst thing someone can do to another. Betrayal and lies are what destroyed my insides. I can not forgive and therefore I have the anger which, and you are right about this, covers up the grief, loss and hurt. I have tried to date, however I'm about to give that up. I'm not capable of sustaining the BS that goes into the games people play in dating. If I can not forgive, and the anger eats me up, how am I to survive? I don't want to see or hear or be reminded of them in anyway and yet I can't escape it. I've tried, even tried to get a new job in a different city but it didn't work out. I don't think Ghandi had the pleasure of beating the pi$$ out of someone he hated! Understand that your hate is doing more injury to yourself then to him. It is comes from a desire to avoid your own fears and insecurities for he is a reminder of something you dislike about yourself. Forgiveness may not be likely but you can achieve indifference by working to understand that his actions, choices and behaviors has no relevance on the quality of life that waits you. And as long as your focus is on him through your hate it is a distraction that keep you from healing and growing. NC is about no contact, just as important it is about self development. Put your energies in that and it will get easier. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 Doesn't sound like a complete mental breakdown to me, if it is then there's no hope for me as I cry in the way you describe a lot these days, (minus the booze cos I don't drink anyway), I must be having a lot of breakdowns! Crying doesn't=breakdown even if you are drunk at the time. Breakdowns are when you can't function anymore and need help with coping with day to day life. Ooh I'm so pedantic Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I have similar feelings by the way cos my ex fancies an ex friend of mine, he can't see what a self centred b**** she is. Or maybe she's wonderful and I just can't see it now that I know she is prepared to s*** on friends to get what she wants. But I refuse to let her or him get the better of me anymore, f*** the pair of them. Not sure how I would deal with it if I were working with them though, it is bad enough bumping into them in town. Link to post Share on other sites
McGrupp Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 frankly i think you shloud go out on the town one night they are all out. bring a hot blonde. start ****ing with the guy and just act way cooler then him (becasue you know you are) in front of him and her... or go ahead and beat his ass. listen i have few regrets in life but most if not all revolve around beating someones ass when i shouldve. i dont know what this entails with your career but i think if you beat his ass you would feel better. a lot better. **** this LS bs, ya know how i got over my breakup? i went out and banged some hoes and beat up a kid that had been pissing me off since HS. yup, sometimes you gotta put the books down and the drugs and just go be a ****ing man!... Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdt76 Posted February 6, 2010 Author Share Posted February 6, 2010 I would love to but we are both in Law enforcement. I just can't simply risk my career for his stupid A$$. I like the blonde idea, but don't know any, would have to pay for one and don't know if I can even be in the same area of town let alone same place at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted February 6, 2010 Share Posted February 6, 2010 I just wonder if I am abnormal in my hatred and inability to release my mind from the issue. I think you're just feeling normal grief/anger. I'm feeling the same way too right now, it's been four months since i've even seen her. I can't imagine the hell of having to see her everyday. I don't think I could do it. I'm heading back to Afghanistan in May, no better way to let out your fustrations/anger than a war. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdt76 Posted February 7, 2010 Author Share Posted February 7, 2010 I actually took up boxing right afterwards and it helps...but unfortunately it doesn't take it all away the source of the anger. Like I said I tried to get a new job in a different city and I think that would have helped but I shouldn't be the one running. He should have to face me everyday and taste the bile in his throat from his own wretched soul as it rots inside him. Unfortunately, he has no moral or ethical code which makes him think he did anything wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
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