futureshock Posted February 4, 2010 Share Posted February 4, 2010 Hi all, This is first time posting for me, though I've found much comfort in these wise pages over the last few months as I put myself in a hellish relationship fix. I feel like I'm coming out the other side now, but am just wondering... how long's it going to take until I feel rational again? As someone who's never stayed on the same continent as an ex-boyfriend before, I'm suddenly facing the prospect of two exes living five minutes away in the same town - in the same house. My old house. Gosh, a psychotherapist could have a whale of a time with us three... I'd been living with my ex-boyfriend X for a couple of years in a big shared house. As my friends moved out to get their own places and his friends started to move in, our relationship hit the skids. He was very loving and kind, but was smoking increasing amounts of weed on a daily basis. I didn't. I wanted kids, a place of our own and grew frustrated with his inability to see the woods for the trees, refusal to take responsibility for his life as he got more paranoid and anti-social. After six months of pond life existance where we'd meet for meals then he'd barricade himself in the spare room 'writing' each evening, we called it off. (At least I thought 'we' had at the time, turned out he thought I'd dumped him.) At the same time X's 'best friend', let's call him Y, moved in after splitting with his long-term, on-off girlfriend. He's hot, charismatic, talented, selfish. I'd always thought him a big jerk, but we bonded over shared break up stories whilst I was sorting out my move across town. I can see that even then I was hopelessly attracted to him, but I just didn't see it coming at all. Six months later... I go to a night at a place. Y's there. I invite him back to mine for post-drinks with a bunch of other people. They leave, he stays - we talk till dawn, completely out of the blue. Next time I see him at a party at THEIR HOUSE, we end up in bed together. In the morning we're gripped with horror at the guilt of betraying X. Never again, agreed! Nope, of course not... This drunken chatting horniness sets the pattern for the next six months - every few weeks, we run into each other and we end up having (fairly unspectacular, if I'm truthful) sex. By this point I'm wild with it, I can't eat, can't sleep. We don't contact each other between events, we're always cold when we first see each other again, he flirts with other women... but somehow / somewhere the pheremones get me and it always ends the same way. It's the dirtiest, hottest, wrongest thing and I hate myself for loving it. Everyone finds out of course. Including X, who doesn't confront either of us, but withdraws even further. Christmas-time away was mad. I came back feeling like I had to face up to the situation or seriously lose my mind. I texted him, asking to meet for a chat. Obviously, he freaks out completely and tries every trick to wheedle out of it. Finally, in drunken bravado I corner him at their house. We agree that it has to end because of X, but then end up kissing... I woke up on their sofa a month ago today. I haven't contacted him since. I have deleted his profile on Farcebook. Deleted his number from my phone. I won't go near their house if I can help it. I've stopped hanging out with mutual friends. I've stopped listening to music we used to listen to. Avoiding all the nights I used to go to. Meditating. Self-help books. Supportive friends and parents. Listing his many faults. Joining new courses and groups. Still feel terrible. I know what I did was horribly wrong and selfish and I probably should feel terrible for a good while to come, but can anyone offer any support? Any similar stories? I've never had to break an addiction to a person before. Why can't I stop thinking about someone who's obviously a jerk? How to handle no contact when you know that just a raise of an eyebrow would have you running back and you can't bear the thought of never seeing him again? How to handle mutual friends who think the sun shines from his arse? Should I just leave town? Thanks very much, J Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted February 4, 2010 Share Posted February 4, 2010 I suggest you find a very good counselor to try to understand your behavior and where it seems from. If you do not face it no, likely it will turn into a pattern that keeps making havoc of your life. As you look for that counselor read the book: Women, Sex, and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author futureshock Posted February 4, 2010 Author Share Posted February 4, 2010 (edited) I've ordered that book - sounds perfect. It feels so scary to be this out of control over a relationship that's essentially in my head! Thank you so much for your kind wishes, GrayClouds. (Sorry, not GreyClouds...) Edited February 4, 2010 by futureshock misspelling Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted February 4, 2010 Share Posted February 4, 2010 I've ordered that book - sounds perfect. It feels so scary to be this out of control over a relationship that's essentially in my head! Thank you so much for your kind wishes, GrayClouds. (Sorry, not GreyClouds...) I suspect you will find that it has very little to do with sex. But be proud that you understand it is destructive behavior. I do wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
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