Approaching a year now need advice.

[badz2801]

My ex girlfriend and I have been broken up now for about a year. Infact June 17th is the exact date.

 

Currently we have not spoken in 6-8 months and those are the terms that I set. I figured that considering the fact she cheated, walked away, didn't help me when I needed her and her total lack of respect for our relationship; constituted grounds for never speaking again. I didn't see any kind of basis for us to start over even as just friends.

 

I cant say that cutting all contact has been easy, especially when she ignored my request several times. To be honest I miss her to this day and still love her very much. I know many of you believe that young people are confused about love, but I actually think I got it right. Right now it is especially tuff to understand that true love is also letting go.

 

I have dated and slept with several women since her and to this day she still holds my heart. I feel this is very dangerous as I am so vulnerable to her emotionally (not as bad as before). She can use that against me to get what she wants.

 

Now for the stupid, ignorant, and crazy part. I have been thinking of something that I would like to do. July 13th is her birthday. I have not spoken to her and I believe she has another boyfriend, but things change with her like night and day. I would like to take a yellow rose (her color) and place it on her car (in the night) on the 12th. I know that sounds like a stalker, but my heart keeps telling me to do it. My gut feeling tells me that I should do this. What do you think?

 

What I don't understand is why my heart keeps telling me to do this. This girl was nothing but trouble for me. My grades dropped, she lied, cheated, zero respect and did many things to hurt me. When I refused to talk to her, she jumped at me and said a number of hurtful things. Ex. Mike is everything you were and more.

 

I also don't understand fully what I am trying to accomplish by doing this. It almost seems like I am trying to get something started again. However, I know I wont forget all that she did or that she has been with other men. That is my rule never take someone back after they slept with another person. I wont trust her 250 miles away even if she dumps her guy for me.(she is at JMU and I am at ODU) I think she will play us both. Thus, I have no basis to make an attempt at another chance.

 

The problem is that I have yet to find another girl that I really like. I cant really explain what I like, I just know they are not it. It feels like a power struggle between what I know is right and what my heart wants. I want what I had back, but I don't think I can ever find that again even with her.

 

Have any of you ever taken someone back after they have been with another? How do you feel? What happened? She was a very important part of my life at a very important time. Things where not always bad, but I cant say the relationship was ever complete. I would just like one glimmer of hope amongst all the bad that our paths will cross again.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK:

 

1. "I would like to take a yellow rose (her color) and place it on her car (in the night) on the 12th. I know that sounds like a stalker, but my heart keeps telling me to do it. My gut feeling tells me that I should do this. What do you think?"

 

I think you're crazy. Why would you want to honor somebody like that after all the hurt and pain they have lavished upon you??? You've been doing just fine staying away from this girl. Doing something like this is only going to invite her into your life again so she can pound and pulverize your heart again.

 

I don't buy that there are no other ladies around for you. You've just got to turn this one loose...and that shouldn't be hard to do...and others will come into your life.

 

2. "Have any of you ever taken someone back after they have been with another?"

 

Yes, and rarely do things change. You can get it up the butt again and again until you learn. Users and abusers just love guys like you. I don't do that stuff anymore....learned my lesson.

 

3. "How do you feel?"

 

Fine, thank you.

[midori]

Hi, I know first-hand how hard it is to get a hurtful person out of your head and heart. But you have to realize that no matter how much your "heart" is urging you to reach out to her again, doing so is not in your best interests.

 

I say "heart" because I rather doubt that what you're seeking from her is love. Clearly she is not someone you could expect that from. She has shown herself to be hurtful and deceitful.

 

My guess is that she represents other things to you, things that you haven't identified or perhaps aren't comfortable admitting to yourself. You still want those things, and so you're still focused on her. What could they be? Excitement? Intellectual challenge (is she a smart girl?)? Class differences (did she make you feel like she was of higher social status than you?)? Those are some possibilities, but you need to figure it out.

 

I have had an awful time getting over my ex, and it's been more than two years since we broke up. I've realized that I don't miss him so much as the things he represented to me: adventure, travel, expanded horizons, passionate commitment to work. He was a real inspiration to me in many ways. I've accomplished some of the things he represented to me on my own now, and I know that I can have them all in my own right, without relying on him.

 

Sure, I still experience pangs of sadness and pain about this ex. But now that I've separated the person from the tangible and intangible things he provided, he is much diminished and much less appealing to me.

 

When someone is clearly not right for you, when they make you unhappy and anxious, you've got to look deeper at what draws you to them. Chances are it's not this ex herself that has you stuck. She already doesn't seem to meet some of your basic criteria (e.g. having a sex life that has involved multiple partners) and she has been hurtful. So why do you want to have anything to do with her?

 

If you can figure out what it is about your ex that you find so appealing, you'll see that you can pursue those things independently, and your ex won't be so significant to you anymore.

 

Bottom line: don't give her anything. She sounds like a petty, manipulative person. Chances are that your act of kindness would blow up in your face and cause you further grief. You don't want to establish more ties to her. You want to undo whatever attachment still lingers.

 

You can only be so understanding and patient with selfish, shallow people. Once they've used up their margin of error (as she surely has), only a fool would allow a selfish person to continue to mess them about.

[Tony T]

midori's advice, above, is priceless and intensely insightful. You can't buy it that good. Read every word. Copy and paste it into a word document to be saved in your computer. Print out a back up. Share it with your friends who may need it in the future.

[NEONINK]

I just want to add. You may have physically uncommitted yourself from her, but you have not emotionally uncommitted yourself from her.

 

When your heart lets go, you will move on. If you think you deserve love, then why do you hang on to hurt?

 

Btw... cheaters never win, and winners never cheat.

[badz2801]

Tony: You are right I am crazy...but then again as you pointed out we have all been there.

 

*How did you feel? Though I am glad you feel good.

 

midori: What can I say...you are totally correct.

 

Rachel represented many things to me. She was my first, so it represented a bond that I thought could never be violated. However that is not really the heart of it.

 

When I met Rachel I was having trouble getting a girlfriend. In many ways I did not have much self worth. Emotionally she picked me up and showed me that I was desirable, even by gorgeous women. Thus, I did feel I was dating someone above my class. It is actually very ironic that you mention that as my family is very wealthy and hers was not (kinda nuts huh?).

 

It is the special nature of our relationship that holds me to Rachel. She was my first, we shared our first year together in school and went on our first romantic vacation. I wanted more than anything to marry her and always put her before myself. For once I was not selfish, and I just wanted things to work out.

 

I also had the same feeling of empowerment when dating Rachel as you did with your ex. I could do anything when I was with her and she provided my motivation. I went to school, drove 500 miles every weekend (for a year), bought two cars, made lots of money, stayed in nice hotels, did drugs, partied, etc.

 

Well you all talked me out of it. Thanks for your help, and I did print a copy of your post. I have to go to work, but I will respond more in-depth later.

 

Sincerely

Badz2801.

 

Thank you.

[chocolate_boy]

Dude, our situations are quite similar, even down to the name of our ex being the same.

 

Differences are my Rach didnt cheat on me as far as I know, and it was more a loss of passion on my behalf and her becoming too controlling, I broke up with her in Nov.

 

However I found myself really missing her and wanting her back around Feb time, and still have this horrible empty feeling in my stomach, and have to cope seeing her with this other guy who she talks about non-stop whenever I see her.

 

I know why you want to do it mate, I also had ideas about what to get her for her birthday, I've been meeting up with her recently and she suggested I should give her a book of memories of our relationship.. I was considering it, but I try and not even speak about our relationship anymore when I see her unless she brings it up.

 

I was considering doing it, going out taking loads of photos of places we used to go, copying down all the love poems I wrote her, making a CD of all of our songs, writing down every precious memory and what it meant to me in a book, but deep down I know why, i'm hoping she'll get sentimental and it will touch her and she'll fall for me again.. after all, she did once (twice actually we did split once a couple of years ago), but its not going to happen, I had offered my heart on a plate to her, and despite her telling me I was the love of her life and no one had ever meant as much to her as me etc. I'm the only bfriend she had never cheated on blah blah blah, she still refused to get back with me and got with the first guy that came along, and used him as a DIRECT replacement for me, she even calls him the same nick-names she used to call me, and they're doing the exact same stuff we did in our relationship and she's basically carrying out all our future plans with this new guy. (who is a real control freak as well, tries to get her to send me nasty text messages and ignore me when she sees me, despite the fact I've known her for 4 years and we were together for 2.5 years, and he's known her since about the end of Feb).

 

Point is my friend, we're both kidding ourselves, if you're honest you realise, your mind is like "what u doing u fool?" you try and make excuses to rationalise yourself cos you're embarrased to admit u still want this person back, but you're heart it crying out for them.

 

After 8 months apart (in my case) or a year (in yours) time has passed, a lot has happened, and it's not that person you miss anymore, we don't even really know these people now, we miss the relationship not the person, you miss being in love, you miss the butterflies and the proud feeling of having a beautiful girl who adores you... but as everyone has said to me, and to you, there are lots more women out there...

 

Rachel got over me in about 2.5 months so it is possible to quickly get over a significant love, maybe you just have to meet someone else, she did and she's very happy with him (personally I can't see it, I think he's v ugly and has a v controlling hold over her but hey, her life).

 

You need to look after number one, get out there and do stuff to get over her. I'm going to extremes maybe, I'm moving several hundred miles away... but part of me wants to stay in touch... you never know, maybe when this relationship with her new guy falls apart she'll miss me and come and find me... but hopefully I'll be with my real soulmate by then... so will you.. but for now, look after number 1, yourself... enjoy being single and the freedom it gives, cos u dont get it for much of your life when you meet someone else, and if they are the one, it will be forever.

 

Good luck my friend!

 

Choccy