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Keeping NC - tough, so tough


Catseye8

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My ex went all weird and broke up with me a month ago. There's a long story behind 'went all weird', but basically, depression plus weird commitmentphobia stuff that hit me like an unexpected and very large brick. We've talked since and sort of downgraded it from a permanent breakup to a more temporary thing, but in the meantime agreed we definitely both need time and space apart. Okay.

 

We were in light contact for a while via email after that. He went sort of overboard with it (finding reasons to email/text me about anything, many times a day), and I cooled it down. Then the stuff he sent me started getting weird and mixed-signallish and messed with my head - one minute snapping at me that he was nowhere near ready to meet and talk in person, the next sending me happy-Xmas emails complete with photos of him & his family - and I decided to go NC for my own sanity. He's clearly got the message (or come to the same conclusion himself), and hasn't contacted me since.

 

It's his birthday in a few days. I don't plan to contact him. And for some reason, I feel really awful about that. Like: well, if I don't wish him happy birthday, he'll decide I've moved on from him and give up on thinking about getting back together! Or: but if I don't wish him happy birthday, he'll know that NC is a definite thing I'm doing rather than just thinking I haven't contacted him for a while, and he'll be mad at me! (I have no idea why I'd even care that he'd be mad at me, except that he's already done so much to break my heart recently I couldn't cope with anything else on top of that.)

 

I know this is totally irrational. I know NC is the best thing for me, even (especially?) on things like his birthday. But knowing it and feeling it are two different things. How do I stay strong here?

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Stop thinking of what he may think. We have a hard enough time figuring out what is going on in our own heads to spend any time wondering what they think. Predicting... forecasting... are just futile efforts that leave us with more questions than answers/understanding.

 

I had the same situation recently; my birthday was the 30th, her's the 11th of this month. I did not hear from her. Yeah, it hurt.

 

I have had to ask myself; is wishing her a happy birthday really about how it would make her feel or how it would make me feel? Is it something I 'should do' or really just something I 'want to do'? It seems like a way of contacting them that still saves face... I just cant believe it would work out that way.

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The best way to keep NC is by knowing what you want.

 

Your boyfriend behavior is likely a respnce of your pulling away from him. He trying to be cool and win you back while other time angry that you left him. And flip flopping between the two.

 

Decide what you want. If you do not want to be in a relationship with him, let him know and let him go. Then focus on yourself, find some help, to understand why you went weird and how to grow beyond it. Adress the depression

 

If you do want a relationship with him, then make a commitment and then do the things you need to do to make it work. Address the depression. find some consoling that will help you understand why you went weird and how you two can grow beyond it.

 

Your both in between land where your half in and half out. It is making him crazy and you confused.

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Grayclouds - that's great advice, thanks, but I think some of it should be the other way round! He's the one with the depression and the weirdness, and he's the one who left me. Hurts like hell. But I agree, we're in a weird inbetween land right now, and it's not very much fun.

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Grayclouds - that's great advice, thanks, but I think some of it should be the other way round! He's the one with the depression and the weirdness, and he's the one who left me. Hurts like hell. But I agree, we're in a weird inbetween land right now, and it's not very much fun.

 

I don't understand wanting to stay in a world of confusion and hurt.

For me, the only way to go was up. I was at bottom barrel when my ex decided to dump me for another.

When he tried to get back together with me WHILE he was still engaged, it was the eye opening experience I needed.

Love feels good, safe, and certainly not "in-between" Oh yes, you will have arguments and such but hell, what you have is not even called a relationship...it's a pile of s***.

 

As suggested, try to figure out what it is that you want. IF it is relationship with your ex, let the next question be is " will we work out" then "is it healthy?"

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Grayclouds - that's great advice, thanks, but I think some of it should be the other way round! He's the one with the depression and the weirdness, and he's the one who left me. Hurts like hell. But I agree, we're in a weird inbetween land right now, and it's not very much fun.

 

Sorry about my miss understanding. Though the idea of figuring out wnat uyou want is still valid. What do you want?

 

Figuring that out will help you both. Good luck

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