Difference Between Missing Them and Missing It

[DenverBachelor]

There are a lot of people that I have known in life that are terrified of being single for any length of time. I have seen people go from one relationship into another simply to avoid being alone.

 

There is a difference between missing your ex and missing your relationship. Do you honestly know which of the two you are mourning? A lot of people miss the relationship (which includes missing the ex, but not directly related to the ex per se). When we get out of a relationship, we are forced to accept a new identity. The problem with many breakups is that, when we get out of a relationship and are alone, we have either forgotten our own identity or we were constantly using relationships to create our identity.

 

If you are the type of person that has problems with being alone and you have recently gone through a breakup, then now is the time to create and explore your identity. If you cannot be strong and happy alone, you may be entering relationships to hide these insecurities. The most powerful thing you can do for yourself and your next relationship is to explore your interests and dive into yourself and figure out who you are as a person. Once you are secure with being alone and single, you're ready to compliment your time with that of another while creating a new relationship.

 

Many of us have spent far too much time questioning why our previous relationships have failed. The truth is that most relationships aren't meant to last forever -- but eventually if you are lucky, you will find someone with whom you can have a long-lasting relationship. However, you will only be able to do so if you are confident with your own identity and understand who you are as a person. If you let someone else define aspects of your own personality and existence, you're relationship will become unbalanced at some point.

 

The bottom line is that we go through life and share relationships with others to learn more about ourselves. We should not be moving from relationship to relationship to fill gaps within our insecurities.

 

So when you find yourself thinking about your ex and missing them, take a step further back. You may find that it isn't your ex specifically that you miss, but the comfort that the relationship brought to your life. You should be able to find comfort within yourself. Once you get to that point and a relationship fails, you get dumped, you dump them, etc. then you will be able to move on more quickly.

 

Relationships don't fail because someone wasn't adequate. The fact that you got to the point of being in that relationship shows that you were in many ways. Relationships fail because many times the individuals within the relationship are exploring, growing and changing. Once you realize this, then you won't feel so much pressure to blame yourself for the failure of the relationship while at the same time being able to reflect and grow as a person from the experiences you shared while in that relationship.

 

Emotions like anger, animosity and jealousy are counter-productive. Keep your sights towards the future and accept the fact that life is like going to an amusement park. Some rides are wild, crazy and fast. Some are like riding teacups. Just make sure you can handle the emotional price of admission before you jump into the front of the largest roller-coaster. Also, it's perfectly acceptable to ride the teacups alone for awhile so you can catch your breath and reflect on some of the crazier rides.

 

In the end, it's all good.

Edited December 26, 2009 by DenverBachelor

[TaraMaiden]

This.

 

Brilliant.

 

That's all!

[Brightmoon]

This.

 

Brilliant.

 

That's all!

 

Here here. Thanks again Denver.

[Eisenhower]

Very wise way to look at it. I have decided it's not my ex I miss, it's the way I felt when I had her. Knowing who she really is now, I wouldn't want her back - I just want that feeling back.

 

Again, well thought out logic, Denver. Thanks.

 

Eisenhower

[LovelyDaze]

DenverBachelor...another home run with your posts!

 

I feel it could very well be the illusion of what I thought was a good relationship with my ex. Certainly isn't him...because he's an ass.

[carolinawanderer]

What would you say to a person who seems to be in-between?

 

I've thought about this a lot - friends have asked me if I really miss my ex, or just being in a relationship - and I do miss HER a lot, I miss the person she was and how we interacted together. She was quite different from me, but I felt she complemented me well.

 

But I am also one of those people that really hates to be alone, and I really do miss the feeling of a relationship and being in love as well.

 

Plus, every time I try to move on and have a "it's-her-problem-not-mine" attitude (I'm the one who got dumped), I get very guilty feelings about mistakes I made in our relationship, as most of our disputes were initiated by me, and it's really keeping me from moving on.

[HeavenOrHell]

I miss him as a person and what we had in our relationship.

[BigTenInchRecord]

Good post. Just wanna say a few things relating to this, and ask a question..

 

Since early September when my gf broke up with me, I'd say that mid-November to mid-December have probably been the easiest so far. I wasn't really thinking much about her, or when I do not really wishing her back...even managed to not respond to a pointless text of hers without really caring, which was definitely a first. The thing is that we met last November, and got to no each-other long distance over the Holidays on university break(Dec to Jan)...Now we all know how great it is when you meet a new person you like and your just starting to get to know each other and flirting, etc. So now that the holidays have came again and we're apart, I can't help but being extremely nostalgic and missing her. It's especially hard since our courting over the holidays led to the best relationship I've ever had.

 

It was a tough break, because I was under the impression things were better then ever. We never fought, got along so well, had so much fun together, very attracted, etc. Plus we dated unofficially for 2-3 months (started in January), so it's not like we rushed into anything. Then suddenly come mid-August, she went away for 2 weeks to Europe and came back someone totally different - and that's when it ended. It happened so suddenl,y which made it very tough...and I honestly thought we'd be together for a while, cause we were a real good fit (so I thought).

 

Now here's what I'm getting at...when I think of her (recently that is) - although I know it's over for good - I still miss her and the relationship. Problem is, when it gets bad, I feel like I have zero interest in any other girls, and it's gonna take a long, long time to find someone to match her, or find someone with as much in common I'm attracted to. It's confusing cause I often feel like I just miss the companionship - she definitely had things about her I wasn't crazy about it - but then sometimes it's like no other girl excites me as much.

 

Wouldn't it seem I miss the actual girl as opposed to the relationship? Granted I've never been in a relationship as serious or long as this one, and it still wasn't that long, and I'm young... but still, it's quite confusing. All I know is that I did really love her.

 

This could probably be it's own post, but I think it fits here...any feedback would be appreciated.

[Eisenhower]

I know what you mean about feeling like you're not attracted to any other girls as much ... that's got to fade with time though. At least I hope.

 

Eisenhower

[JaggedRoad]

Terrific post =)

[DenverBachelor]

 

Wouldn't it seem I miss the actual girl as opposed to the relationship? Granted I've never been in a relationship as serious or long as this one, and it still wasn't that long, and I'm young... but still, it's quite confusing. All I know is that I did really love her.

 

This could probably be it's own post, but I think it fits here...any feedback would be appreciated.

 

I'm sure you do miss her as a person. I wasn't trying to suggest by my post that people never miss the "person," but that we should understand what aspects we miss from the relationship and which we miss about the person.

 

What you wrote suggested that this was your first "serious" relationship -- at least by your standards. Knowing this, you have to understand that you have not had this type of a relationship with anyone that you could compare with your ex.

 

You will find that, as you get out and date women, you'll discover each one is unique in their own way. It really did bring a smile to my face when my grandmother used to tell me, "you're unique, just like everyone else."

 

I will assume you are both under 25 and that you may be her first (or one of her first) serious relationships as well. Since she is very young, she may have had some experiences while in Europe that made her see a lot of diversity out there. Generally when young Americans go to Europe, interesting things happen.

 

I would focus on your goals and integrate the positive memories of your past relationship into your world view with the realization that you will have a lot more experiences -- and I guarantee one will eventually make your past relationship seem tame in comparison.

 

Good luck!

[DenverBachelor]

But I am also one of those people that really hates to be alone, and I really do miss the feeling of a relationship and being in love as well.

 

Plus, every time I try to move on and have a "it's-her-problem-not-mine" attitude (I'm the one who got dumped), I get very guilty feelings about mistakes I made in our relationship, as most of our disputes were initiated by me, and it's really keeping me from moving on.

 

I'm going to make two points. I'm sure you miss her as a person. However, did she compliment you as a person or supplement you as a person? The difference is immense in a relationship because one adds happiness to our lives while the other becomes the sole source of our happiness -- and that can become a problem.

 

Also, you will have to ask yourself what it is about being "alone" that you hate. We're not really "ever" alone in the sense that we have friends and family. So when I said "alone" in my first post, I meant being single. We should be able to lead a fulfilling life while single and then approach another person for a possible relationship only after we've fulfilled our interests and passions. It makes us more attractive as a person and helps prevent becoming overly dependant on another person to fill in gaps in our own life.

 

It feels great to surround yourself with hobbies and activities that enrich you as a person and help you grow. If we become too caught up the pursuit of relationships simply to fill a hole in our lives, we need to look deeper and discover the real reason for that hole because a relationship is just going to put a cover over that hole. That hole still exists until we take steps to figure out how to fill it without becoming dependent on another to do so.

[TaraMaiden]

DB, you are my alter-ego...I now have two such companionable fellows fighting the good fight with me! :laugh:

 

You're articulate, logical and your reasoning is flawless.

 

I love your posts: this is absolutely spot-on, in my opinion.

[DenverBachelor]

DB, you are my alter-ego...I now have two such companionable fellows fighting the good fight with me! :laugh:

 

You're articulate, logical and your reasoning is flawless.

 

I love your posts: this is absolutely spot-on, in my opinion.

 

Thanks! But it is only a matter of time before I write something you disagree with.

[TaraMaiden]

Possibly.

But I love a good pillow fight......

 

The same can be said of the reverse.

Then feathers will fly, but we'll be laughing, anyway.....

[nobmagnet]

denver

 

another helpful post!! you couldnt haveput it better IMO.

 

Now I am having fun again getting out there I am finding the old me again. I allowed lowly to become too much a part of me. It was a failing part of me! He dragged me down........I allowed him to because I had an unhealthy dependance on him emotionally. I know if I hadnt invested so much of me for his happiness (i didnt manage it) I wouldnt have been so broken. I would like to maybe spend time with another man but I will always be sailing my own ship and expect him too also. To have a companion that compliments your life would be my dream. I shall continue working on me, being as happy as pig in poo and have adventures alone. It will make my life fuller and me abetter chick!

 

xxxxxx

[Maggotface]

This is such a great post.