Where does jealousy/insecurity stem from?

[Nikki Sahagin]

I suppose all we can do as we cope, is try to work on ourselves and improve. In saying that, there are 2 things about myself that i'd love to change and that is my jealousy and insecurity, which are really 2 sides of the same coin.

 

My jealousy/insecurity is worse if I have a boyfriend or am interested in someone because then I feel I have someone I need to be protective or territorial over. Because I feel emotional toward someone and care for them, I then become vulnerable and feel all of these irrational emotions surface. A big issue between myself and my ex was that because of our intense love and passion for each other, we were massively jealous of any potential 'threat' yet both of us at times were flirtacious for one upmanship purposes or just meaninglessly. This only further chipped away at both of our self-esteem and I know that we both lacked it. If i'm single, ordinarily I can admire beautiful girls and feel happy for them and appreciative of them.

 

The thing is, now that i'm single, I've recently started to look at other girls and although they may have weaker characters or looser morals or not have amazing personalities (in some cases), if they are more attractive, I feel jealous and insecurity. Its not that I want to be them or even look like them. I just feel that I don't size up to them. I feel like it doesn't matter that i'm a kind person or funny or affectionate, because if i'm not drop dead gorgeous, no-one will look twice. Now many people do compliment me on my looks and I always get attention but I know its really just make-up and straightened hair and the right clothes. Its not that I am 'unattractive', its just that i'm not a complete stunner, not naturally anyway.

 

If anything i'm just 'cute', I look young for my age and I just hate my smile! lol

 

Now these feelings are predominantly mine. It is my issue, but my ex definately stoked the flames with some of his behaviour. Now i'm almost greatful i'm single so that I can avoid those flare ups of envy, of desperation, of neediness, of fear that he would leave or cheat. But they still follow me a little.

 

I suppose I can't see why a man would 'choose' me over any other woman. I recognise my good qualities which are that I am very gentle and intelligent and caring, I like to have fun and i'm affectionate but I also know that I have a lot of bad qualities that seem to put a lot of men off; i'm very opinionated and stubborn and argumentative. I don't see what any man would see in me ABOVE any other girl, so perhaps thats not insecurity...?

 

As I said I can say to myself, I have better morals than this girl, or....I don't have the horrible attitude of that girl....but it seems to many people that just doesn't matter....if anything many people LIKE that kind of girl in the same way that girls can like the bad boy.

 

How do you cope with jealousy and combat insecurity? Sometimes I think its almost not worth being with anyone just to avoid these feelings because they hit me really hard!

[Odyssey]

How...? Every time you get this feeling of jealousy, slow down and don't react. The mistake you may make is acting out on something that's not really happening in real life - just in your head. Examine the real life situation at hand and break it down to figure out what is really happening to make you feel anxious.

 

You'll have to be very patient with yourself in order to do this right because it's going to take some time.

 

Note: This isn't something you need to share with your future SO - work on this privately. You can talk it through here or with a friend, but the important thing is, don't let your personal issues become a relationship issue.

 

Hope this helps.

[RobM]

You sound a little like my wife in that she always has to compare herself to her friends and co-workers. At lot of her self worth and happiness seems to come from being ahead. Me on the other hand, I admit I compare myself to other people but I find my happiness from comparing myself to my own goals and limits, not anyone else.

 

It really bothers my wife if she finds something unfair, if someone makes more money or doesn't work as hard, that kind of thing bothers me. Me on the other hand, those things don't bother me. Where ever you are in life, there will always be somebody that is "more" and some that are "less", it's really a losing proposition to always compare yourself to others, you have to learn to find your happiness in yourself.