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I feel like such a weak person


mendsley

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I have been seperated with my wife for about 14 months after 10 years of marriage. She left me for another man, which didn't work out for her. I have been a huge damn mess since this happened, up and down. One minute I feel strong and act like I dont care and the next I am a crying mess.

 

We have a child together, he is nine, and I talk to him almost every night. Weak point number one; I try to avoid talking to him on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday cause he tells me what his mom and her NEW boyfriend are gonna be doing or did. He is included with thier plans which is good, but it is very hard for me to hear how great they all are doing while my weak ass can't seem to move on.

 

I feel like I am on the edge and kinda feel like jumping, my life sucks I am in debt beyond what I can pay back, I suck at my job and people are starting to notice, I can't go meet people cause I constantly think about my ex and how she can just move on like I was nothing and I am extremely lonely. Her family took me in like I was one of thiers now I am just another person they pass by.

 

The divorce papers are being filed and I guess California takes about 8 months to finalize. During this time I don't know how to act to her. I want to be nice and give her the world, but she has moved on and wants nothing from me. I don't even know how to act, I cannot bring myself to be mean and treat her like she treats me, another weakness.

 

This might sound wierd but how am I suppossed to act towards her, my heart tells me to treat like a queen but something tells me not to.

 

What kicked this off is tonight I talked to my son and he told me how much fun he had over the weekend he had with his mom and the new guy. I tried very hard to be supportive but the weakness got the better of me and I told him I should get off and I will call him tomorrow. It has been OVER 14 MONTHS when will this stop, I don't know what to do I am getting very tired of this pain and would do anything to make it stop.

Edited by mendsley
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I wish I could give you good advice in your situation, but whenever kids are involved, I haven't the slightest clue...but I'll give it a try...

 

I know your son probably means a lot to you, and you don't want to jeopardize your relationship with him due to your wife...but it may be necessary for you to have less contact with him...he's probably too young to understand how to "filter" his conversations with you as to not bring up your wife and any new guy she's with...and if it's too painful to hear it, then it's probably best that you not hear it...

 

But the most important thing for you to do now is to get your ass off the self-pity train...we've all gone through some tough times which make us question whether it's worth it to go on, and the only person that can get you off the train is you...work on self-improvement...whether it's in your job, physical fitness, social skills, or just a new hair cut...the more you dwell on things in the past, the deeper the hole you dig...use this time for you...not worrying about how you should treat her...the only people that should matter to you now is you and your son...

 

145 months and counting...and the count won't stop until you realize that you are the only person who can make it stop...

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Thanks Hokie, I know what you are saying but for some reason there is something inside of me that cannot let her go. SHe has completely devistated me and if anyone else in this world ever hurt me as bad as she did I would be in jail. I go to the gym, martial arts, and just recently started trying to date but I can't seem to trust the women I talk to. I feel like yeah they are talking to me but, are they serious. I am sure this little episode will pass but I had thoughts in my head that scared me and I have no one else to express myself to so I came here.

 

One last question, does anyone know what the signs are of someone finally moving on?

 

I made a typo and it is 14 months not 145 months :)

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Wow I really feel for your plight I have never been with a woman for 10 years and had a son so you beat me in that department! I know things seem darker than ever but remember when things seem the darkest it is right before dawn. I would just take a personal inventory and concentrate on yourself and of course your son. Attack one thing at a time for instance your job...Just bury yourself in your work and improve and become the absolute best damn employee your company has ever had. Have a sit down with your boss and explain your situation and then just think about work for the time being. When you turn it around at work and get the employee of the year award you will gain new found confidence. Use that as a momentum builder to other areas of your life. Join a gym, start exercising every day. Whenever I think of how my bitch ex threw me to the wolves and didn't even say goodbye instead of staying at home angry I turn that anger into energy and work out/ concentrate on my job..etc. And concentrate on being the best father to your boy that you can. Do things with him that make you 2 a team...boy scouts...sports etc, don't worry about a competition with your ex. As far as dealing with her make it as little as possible in the next few months.."hi" and "bye" when she picks up your son. If she wants to talk about the divorce tell her to contact your lawyer you dont have time to deal with her. Don't be nasty but just be short with her whenever you see her..She made her decision to be selfish and hurt her son's life and yours she doesn't deserve the time of day from you. Thats the short term...when you start feeling better and trust me you will eventually start socializing again going out meeting new women..someone who is worthy and not a selfish person. It will get better..don't give up. If you are in deep crisis call a depression help line and remember your son. Don't worry about the time your wife is spending remember her values and also she will just hurt the next guy as people rarely change. I hope I helped a little bit...Good luck and I truly hope things get better soon.

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soheartbroken

Hi. Maybe you don't want to hear this, but it may just take more time. I know it sucks to live every day in distress, but I personally don't believe that 14 months is that long considering the length of the relationship, and the fact that you have to keep hearing about her new boyfriends.

 

You must be doing a great job of looking out for your son and shielding him from the turmoil if he feels comfortable telling you these things about his mom. I remember when my parents split we just KNEW not to talk about my mom to my dad, because he was one angry guy during that time. It was a taboo subject...not healthy for kids to know that their dad hates their mom that much.

 

Anyway, I think with time you will recover. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You're learning the whole time. One day this will lift. For some it just takes longer. You don't have to date if you're not ready for it.

 

I think when you finally move on, there is this feeling of lifting...like a dark cloud just lifts, and a weight comes off your shoulders. And you realize one day that you don't really care what your ex is doing. You feel like thanking people who were there for you during the tough time, because you know you've survived.

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Man 10 years is a ride. Time alone doesn't generally heal. It's time WITH effort that will help. If the days just pass by, often one may dwell, rehash, long for, get angry, etc. Gotta be DOING something to get better. The # 1 reason for you to not make a quick and easy exit is your son. Yes, your own self improvement is important but your son's life would be F***ED up if you checked out. I mean his head and self esteem, future with relationships, and just his future in general would be wrecked without serious help. Imagine how you feel now with trust issues and women. Now imagine how your SON would feel with trust issues and such if you checked out. The fact that he is having fun and telling you about it means you two have a good relationship with and as mentioned earlier, he has been somewhat shielded from the drama. At 9 years old he will remember the pain and sadness if you did something to yourself. You may feel your ex is a royal cold hearted B*** who you still love very much. 14 months after 10 years IS NOT a long time at all to heal. Especially since going through the divorce process and such keeps reopening any wounds that even begin to heal. Immerse yourself in books (do your homework on that) and maybe some divorce groups or something. Gotta stay out of the house and start to be around people who can help to prop you up and also be there on those particularly low days. Sounds like she may have "moved on " so fast because many people cannot be single and are co-dependent needing validation that she is loveable. The newness factor may play in to. Its a tough a** situation you are in. You can make it out of it. Dating at this point isn't gonna help much because you are not whole inside and have nothing in your bleeding heart to give just yet. Hang in there and keep us posted.

 

J

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Thanks everyone for the replies. Hopefully tomorrow I feel better, I have the gym at lunch and martial arts at night so my mind will be occupied. I have been thinking, while my mind is out of control, and reading a ton of postings on here and it is sad to see how many people have to go thru this experience, why us?

 

All of us and the rest of the people on this planet have this biological urge to eventually be part of or be accepted in a relationship of some type. Whether it be with another person or with ourselves, why can't we just be? The reason being is unkown to me but whether it be a god or just nature it is a very cruel part of life.

 

When I was trying to meet someone I went on a dating website and one thing that really stood out is almost everyone was divorced. There seems to be a cycle where you meet someone and want to spend every minute with that person, then eventually someones emotions change, something happens in the brain and they snap. They decide it's time to move on and not look back. All the love you had for each other has somehow turned into reasons to leave and memories. It happens so fast you become dizzy and after the dust settles you pick thru the pieces trying to fathom the devistation that has struck and the reasoning behind it. Nature or god has no mercy on the ones who are left picking up the pieces, it's like god or nature had to make a choice and for us ..... to bad. The only thing givin to us is the acceptance of time and the ability to manage pain. We are now wondering how and when will we love again, do we really want that? You have no choice again, whether you want to or not it is not up to you!

 

So what I am trying to get at thru all this rambling is; why the f**k does the person who walks away for no aparent reason, destroying a family, enjoy thier life and thier existance in it so much? Just does not seem fair to me, hopefully karma fits into this equation some where. Night

Edited by mendsley
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Great Post! The Karma thing is definitely a reality. Had a chat with my dad earlier on Sunday at dinner, and he said, they didn't come up with the saying "what comes around, goes around" for no reason. Whether we've been wronged intentionally or not, they'll get theirs in the end. In my case, the guy my ex is with, has no idea what he's in store for...part of me wants to have a little heart to heart him as I know my ex's MO is to get pregnant...period. I was real adamant that I wouldn't do that until we were married, which the plan was, this spring. She would have found in Vegas last weekend, had she not split on me in September. The other part of me is to just sit back, wait and watch, because like so many before me, he will find why she's the common denominator in all of her failed relationships! I take comfort in knowing that it's her that's damaged and not me.

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Wow, so sorry to hear about what you are going through!

 

Although I don't have any kids, I just went through a break up from a 10 year relationship earlier this year. It's only been 7 months for me and I feel like I have a lot more healing to do.

 

I commend you for thinking about your son and doing your best to be strong in front of him. I can't even imagine how hard that part is, it was hard enough for me to know my ex started dating someone 2 months after our break up!

 

Anyways, I just started reading a book that I think might help you called, "Feeling Good" by David D. Burns. I literally just started reading it this weekend so I can't say that it has helped me yet, but it came highly recommended by a friend of mine who has been helping me deal with my break up.

 

Another recommendation I have is that if you are feeling overwhelmed by emotion, which is something I have been through, is to check out a therapist in your area. It took me a while to do this for myself but I'm SO glad I did.

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Hiya,

 

Just read your thread. I found out this weekend that my kids have now met my ex's great new boyfriend. I tried to explain to them that hearing about him upsets daddy (they're only 3 and 6) and that I didn't want to talk about him very much. I don't know if they understood but they hardly mentioned him at all after that.

 

Just concentrate on your son and make his life as good as you can while you are with him. Whatever happens you have to remember he's yours and no-one else's and that if you do see him less you'll just play into your ex's hands and it will be easier for new boyfriends to become a new father figure. Do you really want that?

 

But I understand how tough it is...

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I too have just been "dumped" after 10 years. It is agony and having children as I do becauseyou still have a contact via your children. My ex left mefor a woman her works with and is having a working holiday with her for 3 weeks as we speak. He only left 9 weeks ago and yes he is bloody smug and self satified and doesnt appear to understand why I am suffering still!! He is a pratt. I agree when the one that leaves always appears to be happy and carefree it isnt fair.

I beleive in Karma it keeps me going. I am hoping his knob drops off.!!!!!!

 

keep strong and you will be ok in the end. Your son needs you and always will. Concentrate on your self asteam and gradually you will feel better. x

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Hiya,

 

Just read your thread. I found out this weekend that my kids have now met my ex's great new boyfriend. I tried to explain to them that hearing about him upsets daddy (they're only 3 and 6) and that I didn't want to talk about him very much. I don't know if they understood but they hardly mentioned him at all after that.

 

Just concentrate on your son and make his life as good as you can while you are with him. Whatever happens you have to remember he's yours and no-one else's and that if you do see him less you'll just play into your ex's hands and it will be easier for new boyfriends to become a new father figure. Do you really want that?

 

But I understand how tough it is...

 

 

I'm in the same situation. Was married for 8 yrs. knew her for 10. Separated last Apr. We Have 2 children. She is totally in love with this OM who has a child of his own. I hear a lot, by the kids how funny he is, how they went to x,y,z on the wknds...it was so much fun etc etc. My kids and his kid are friends. And I just have to just be thankful he doesn't beat,yell or be a total scumbag to my kids. It is so tough.

 

We had a party recently for my daughters b day and the stbx and I were there together. No OM,but his child was there. To make a long story short I was using my old camera,now hers and went through the saved pictures without her knowing. It hurt so much to see her that happy with another man and all the kids together. But I will still be the father of my kids no matter how nice he is to them. Good luck, and I hope it get easier for all of us.

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Hey man

 

Im younger and my limited experience cant properly relate to the phase your going through now. But you seem like a very nice guy, to think of your son first, and to still want to be civil with your ex, i cant imagine the strength involved in that. Personally id be an angry lashing wreck, so ive got nothing but respect for you man.

 

As for the karma thing, although i know im younger and more naive, i think that the harshest and worst experiences can teach you to find and truly enjoy the best experiences. So once you make it out of this, you will feel like a new human being.

 

Thats how i felt from some of my bad relationships, im currently going through abit of a rough patch but i always remember that feeling of lightness that you feel on your shoulders that springs one morning after the darkest moments of your life, and remember that it was worth it. Your a good person and you deserve to be happy, im sure you will be one day.

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Hey man

 

Im younger and my limited experience cant properly relate to the phase your going through now. But you seem like a very nice guy, to think of your son first, and to still want to be civil with your ex, i cant imagine the strength involved in that. Personally id be an angry lashing wreck, so ive got nothing but respect for you man.

 

As for the karma thing, although i know im younger and more naive, i think that the harshest and worst experiences can teach you to find and truly enjoy the best experiences. So once you make it out of this, you will feel like a new human being.

 

Thats how i felt from some of my bad relationships, im currently going through abit of a rough patch but i always remember that feeling of lightness that you feel on your shoulders that springs one morning after the darkest moments of your life, and remember that it was worth it. Your a good person and you deserve to be happy, im sure you will be one day.

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